PICNIC WITH BJORK…

I’ve decided to break my vow of silence. I pray that Bjork will forgive me. I know that B and Ing will. Tho, I suspect Ing might be a bit upset. You see, I think that both Ing and B were having an “off” day — which is why I thought it would be a great day for a picnic!

It was such a gorgeous day in the park. B knew a very secluded place. Ing had her yoga mat but had insisted on wearing her spiffy new corporate PR power suit — heels and all. Imagine our surprise when we saw world famous fashion photographer, Mr. X! And, imagine our total shock when we saw that he was taking pictures of our fave pixie muse, Bjork!!!!

I was ecstatic! B was confused and Ing just wanted to do her yoga stretches. But none of that mattered as Mr. X screamed:

“You fucking gorgeous San Francisco Hipsters! Come! Join us in my photos! They are a celebration of life!”

Me: “We’d be honored!”

B: “Um, Matty, speak for yourself. I’ve got studying to do!”

Ing: “As long as I can keep my heels on and do my yoga stretches I don’t mind.”

Bjork: “Blee Blee da pobble pobble dee la she do!”

(an awkward silence as the four of us try to decide if any of us is meant to respond to the musical genius of the proto-electronic music movement. it is unclear to all of us to whom she has just spoken)

Mr. X: “Pleeeez. Do not move. She might not notice us and I feel this would be for the best.”

me: “um, but she is just standing there waiting for someone to say something.”

B: “Is she looking at one of us or is she looking above my head?”

Ing: “I don’t care. I’m setting up my yoga mat! But, I do think she is looking at Matty.”

(i feel honored!)

me: “Ms. Bjork? Are you speaking to me?’

Bjork: “Walla Walla Ki Dip uuuuur vvvvv la!”

B: “What the fuck?!?!?” — and, with that Bjork jumped from the giant fake mushroom that had been set up for her and landed smack in between me and Ing. With surprising strength, Bjork pulled Ing up by the hair and pulled her close to her! I was already moving in as close to Bjork as I could.

Mr. X: “Pose! Pose! She wants for to take picture!”

B rushed forward and tried to cram himself into Mr. X’s picture! Before any of us really knew what had happened — (snap!!!!!)

Wow! Suddenly our picnic had morphed into an alternative rock moment of biblical proportions! We were striking poses with Bjork!

Mr. X: “No! This is wrong! I need for more shock value! I need magic!”

me: “Wait. Do you mean ‘magik’ or just ordinary ‘magic’?”

B: “For what publication are these being taken!”

me: “Baby, be nice! We’re working with Bjork!”

Bjork: “Ahhhhh! Biiiii Yabba Yabba deeee weedle bee bop do la la!”

At this point, Bjork somehow jumped 30 feet into the air! She twirled about and the sprokets of hair let loose! She landed perfectly on tree stump! Her hair now loose and free!

Ing: “Wow! She looks like an Icelandic Breck Girl!”

me: “She is fabulous!”

B: “You are so gay.”

Ing: “I wonder if she can teach me to do that! Matty, do you know Bjork-Speak?”

(not wanting to appear like I didn’t — I decided to wing it! I jumped up on to the tree stump with Bjork. I did my best twee smile, raised my voice up an octave and sing-song’d a statement in my best Bjork-Speak-Like-Way!)

me: Walla Biiiiyaaa ooop do do be pretty leaf!”

B: “What the fuck?!!?”

Mr. X: “Shhhhh! I think your lover is actually getting thru! I’ve been trying to speak with her for years and the best I’ve ever done was to understand she wanted no restraints!”

(Bjork jumped up and down with the prettiest smile!)

Bjork: “Ya ya ya!!!!”

me: “Ya ya ya!!!!”

(suddenly Bjork tore off her clothing, jumped up about 10 feet and fell back down in the very same place!!! She began to stick out her tongue and sing songs about breaking things and sensuality!)

Mr. X: “Quick! All of you — get in there and dance!”

(never to turn down a chance to dance Ing and I began to do a number of things as close to Bjork as we could be! B seemed confused and annoyed, but stepped up into the frame. Ing looked hot as per ususal! I decided to do what I do best. Yes, I sang ‘You Light Up My Life’ as loud as I could)

Mr. X (to B): “Quickly! Move to the left!”

Bjork: (to B): “Walla Walla ppppppuuuulliiiiii!”

Ing: “I’m a model! I’m a model!”

me (to B): “Baby, I think Bjork wants you to block the view of her ‘Sally’!”

B: “What the fuck?!?!”

SNAP!

Mr. X: “Absolute perfection!”

Bjork: “Yes. Thank you. We greatly appreciate your love and patience.”

…and, then a huge limo drove up as if from out of nowhere. …before we even knew what had happened — Bjork and Mr. X were gone.

Leaving us with but two photos of our picnic with Bjork. All in all, it was just another adventure in Paradise.