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PASSING WIND ON MUNI OR iPOD HORROR!!!

Well, we all knew that my beloved Mini iPod would start to act up sooner or later. That perfect pink color could only keep it going strong for so long. It has been doing funny things for a while now, but today was the absolute worst! I’ve been learning all kinds of new tricks that my iPod can do of which I was not aware! Anyway, last night I decided it was time to “re-synch” so I did. It took my poor little mini close to one full hour to synch up. All I did was take off some tracks with which I had grown a wee-bit tired. One too many plays of The White Stripes and Ursula 1000. Anyway, I decided to put Heart back on to rotation in my shuffle mode.

I like Heart. Don’t get me wrong. I think I own all of their stuff pre-1985. They totally ruled. A sort of female Led Zep for the ages with just enough southern California rock roots to make it soft when it needed to be.

Of course, by the 80’s they had sold out and gone the way of the Power Ballad. But, still — classic rock at it’s best! “Dreamboat Annie” is an almost perfect album. I even like “Magazine” — which, at one time, was one of my fave LP’s with which to stone.

Anyway, I couldn’t decide which tracks to upload to my iPod so I just moved all of them over. So, there are now 1292 songs on my iPod. But, when I selected “shuffle” I was greeted with the ultimate horror. Currently, my iPod will ONLY play Heart. …and, for some odd reason, it will only play certain Heart songs. …over and over.

Kids, I have heard the “Bebe Le Strange” and “Magazine” LP’s 3 times today. I can’t get any Goldfrapp to play. No Barbra. No Led Zep. No Antony & The Johnstons. Just Heart. Heart. Heart. Heart.

…it wouldn’t be so bad if it would only play Goldfrapp. I could handle that.

On my way to the Castro this afternoon I was so very sick of hearing Ann & Nancy that I just turned it off. Well, I should say — I “attempted” to turn it off. Currently, my iPod will not turn off. It is playing “Raised On You” on what appears to be an endless repeat loop. This is iPod torture.

I hope to figure it out tonight when I can try to re-synch. A guy can only take so much Heart, you know!

Anyway, as I pulled out my ear plugs in frustration — the little old man sitting next to me let out what had to be the loudest fart in the history of the Bay Area mass transit. It was so loud that everyone just sort of stopped and looked. I think we all wanted to laugh but the old man just sat there without expression. It was as if he was pretending that nothing had happened. Then he did it again. But, this time the obnoxious whoopee cushion-like sound was accompanied by a stench that I can only think to be similar to that of a 2 week old rotting corpse on a summer’s day. It was HORRIBLE!

I mention this because the newly re-mastered and special edition DVD of WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE? came out on DVD this week! It is full of way-cool extras! Most exciting will be a vintage featurette created to promote the film prior to its initial release in 1962! You know this film still packs a punch, tho it now carries a camp factor. It is easy to imagine how very shocking it must have been for audiences to see Bette Davis and Joan Crawford in such a strange, creepy and gross film! And, so fucking cool that Bette Davis went the distance and had no fear of leaving her glam looks behind to look tragically grotesque and decadent. Too bad Ms. Crawford felt the need to retain the glam look — even tho she should have looked wasted from sitting in a wheel chair upstairs with only her pet birds to eat. But, now — that makes the film all the more fun and better! AND — Charles Busch and Lypsinka provide the commentary!!! Oh, and that seldom seen episode of The Andy Williams Show in which Bette Davis appeared as part of her promotion for the movie!!! I can’t wait. I forget why I felt this related to both my iPod Heart issue and breaking wind on Muni but at some point it made sense to me. Oh well. I do wish that they had included the clip of Joan Crawford accepting Anne Bancroft’s OSCAR after she beat out Bette Davis. Joan Crawford: Bitch Extraordinare! A tip of the hat!

And, kids!!! Don’t forget! Next week we have the newly re-mastered and special delux edition of MOMMIE DEAREST to warm our hearts. It will be filled with lots of really neat extras — neatest of which will be a dual commentary from the film’s top celeb fans — John Waters and Lypsinka (is she attempting a comeback?!?!?) — if only Faye Dunaway could have gotten a grip and recorded commentary for it. Poor Faye. It is actually a damn good performance — I think the director just forced her to stick with the film/iconic image of Crawford 24/7 vs. the way she wanted to play the legend. Still, that aspect makes the film so much fun some 20 years later.

…best line: “Don’t fuck with me, fellas! This ain’t my first time at the rodeo!” or “If she gets mad at you she can make you disappear” …or, “When I asked you to call me that — I wanted you to say it like you meant it” …I don’t think it is “No more wire hangers!” …that one gets over-used at this point.

“…maybe I needed a little bit of publicity.” — that was a good one. Or, I do enjoy her attempt at composure just before she goes off on that little bitchy teenage Christina and says to the Photoplay reporter, “Barbara, please!” …Actually, Lypsinka used that in her act for over a decade. Seems like she used to have a little female midget follow her about with a pad and pen as she lip synched that line over and over. I miss Lypsinka!

Sigh. I can’t fucking wait!!!!

OK — if I can’t fix my iPod I will have to sell my body to get a new and proper iPod. Tho, I doubt anyone would pay me enough. I think the iPod goes for $300. I can’t afford that right now. Damn, it! …but, I can afford those two DVD’s and you know I will be in line at Virgin tomorrow!!!!

kisses,
matty

May 31, 2006. Uncategorized. 11 comments.

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PICTURE THIS!

…very few words, but more than a few pix from a long weekend spent in the California sun. Adventures with “B” and Ing. A couple of movies, a visit to Ing’s way cool book store, searching for Ing’s car, not being able to find the correct dirt road to “that” beach, discussing art, selling some art, a brunch, romance, great music, sleeping late and staying up early. These are the pictures from my Memorial Day — and, I MUST catch up on blogging this week!!!!

perfect day!

…the ruins

…could it be “B”????

…not so much an X Man as an R Queer

…the pretty ruins

…don’t jump!

…surprised!

…cool view!

…OP (teeth)

…fantasy window. …not a fantasy man by the window

…pretty rocks

…a nice walk

…yes, it is “B” by the view of the pretty rocks.

Look! They white-washed Maggie Cheung to attract a larger western audience! …sad.

My iPod Shuffle as I walked to work this morning:
“Car Wash” by Rose Royce
“Boogie With Stu” by Led Zep
“Muscle Cars” by Mylo
“Yes, Sir I Can Boogie” by Sophie Ellis-Bextor
“Nothing To Hide” by Ladytron
“Desperate But Not Serious” by Adam & The Ants
“Hairy Trees” by Goldfrapp
“Messy” by MenWomen&Children


…this is a wicked cool CD which everyone should own! Casiotone For The Painfully Lonely… They are awesome! This CD is called “Twinkle Echo”!!!!

May 30, 2006. Uncategorized. 13 comments.

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THE IMPORTANCE OF KILLING MUSIC…

A few weeks ago I made mention of a book that I discovered thanks to one of my fave blogs. The blog I mentioned is one of my favorite blogs, but it was not the one that led me to the way cool book by Pete Burns. I made an mistake and credited the wrong blog. This is not cool as all bloggers know!

And, it got me to thinking — I really need to do all I can to show anyone who will follow the light that is being held up by The Grande Trashbender! …no one really knows what he looks like, but he likes to use the iconic image of Miss Hepburn in her way cool sun glasses to stand in for his picture. I suspect Trashbender is quite hot.

So, please! I implore you to take my advice and visit his site because you’re destined to discover something new or something from the past that will either give you a fond feeling or a really creepy one. Such as Trashbender’s recent discovery of a horrific vid-clip from 1980 that explains why disco REALLY died. …Disco could do nothing but roll over and die when Liza Minnelli decided to belt her own version of Donna Summer’s “Bad Girls” — it hurts, boy and girls. However, I know you’re all secretly dying to see Liza warble her coked-up way thru the Donna’s disco classic. …and, kill disco once and for all. I also do not think that there is anything that Trashbender does not know about 80’s pop music. He is a must visit site! And, tell him I sent you, please! And, please request that he find the vid-clip for “I Eat Cannibals” — anyone remember that little gem of the 80’s??!!?!? I need to see it!!!!

So — go and take a look at the

  • killing of music!!!

    My bestest pal, Ing, has been begging me to give her a copy of my baby picture taken by The Baptist Hospital of Beaumont, Texas at approx 6am on November 12, 1966 just about 2 hours after my birth. I was removed from my mother’s vaginal canal with the aid of forceps — which bruised my head. This probably explains a lot. Anyway, some odd nurse must have thought it would be cute to pose me. So my little hand was placed beneath my oddly (and thankfully temp deformed) head —- it looks like an evil little sprite silently judging someone. Actually, it is both scary and rather funny. The horrific photo was then placed in a seriously 60’s announcement card to be mailed out to loved ones to announce the birth of me.

    I found a stack of these cards when I was clearing out some things after my father died. I think my mother wisely opted to not send many of them out. Anyway, I thought it would be funny to send them out in 1997 — which I did. …to a number of friends. I only have one left. Ing wants it so she can show it to random people and tell them it is the baby she had — but “put down” due to the fact that “it” seemed to be judging her. Or some such. Quite funny. But, I couldn’t stand the idea of parting with my only remaining copy. So, I had a color copy made for her personal use.

    …I felt I should share the joy that my mother decided to hide from the world of late 1966. I do look rather evil. But, I’m not. I’m quite nice, actually.

    Oh! And, run — don’t just walk to the nearest indie record store and pick up a copy of the new CD by Men,Women&Children!!!! It is fantastic and a must own!!!! And, while you’re picking it up — be sure to buy “Supernature” by Goldfrapp if you have still not picked that one up!!!! These are essentials for all record collections. Just like “The Power of Pussy by Bongwater! Everyone should own these records. It should be put into law! …think 90’s indie rock smashed up with trash disco and you get the idea. It is pure magic!

    I’m also really getting into this odd little band from the Land of Bjork! A big thanks to my ‘secret admirer’ who ever you are! You’ve exceptional taste and know just what I like! I am really enjoying this CD! Sigur Ros rocks! …well, in an ambient OK Computer kind of way.

    Ing, Alan and I saw a wicked cool/good movie called SOMERSAULT from Australia! See it!!!!

    Kisses!!!

    May 25, 2006. Uncategorized. 12 comments.

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    CUTS YOU UP!
    …it is amazing what one can do with the common toothbrush!

    Well, today was my last visit to the free clinic for my meds. My insurance goes into effect June 1st. This is a really good thing because today was my worst visit yet. I was expecting it to me rather calm. When I walked in I was surprised to discover that there were only two people waiting and both seemed to be fairly grounded. I signed in and chatted with the guard. I confirmed I had no weapons or sharp objects in my bag. I then confirmed to one of the nice folks at the front desk that this would be my last visit.

    I took a seat in the front row. The TV was screening The Tyra Banks Show. As I am normally at the clinic for quite a while I had planned on reading some more of the extraordinary Bernard Cooper short stories for Ing’s Short Attention Span Reading Group but I was drawn into Tyra’s show because it was all about germs.

    Lovely Meredith, please take note — I was watching this program for you because it was discussing concerns around public and private places and the sorts of germs one can encounter and what are the best options one can take! It was actually fairly interesting. For instance — when one has to use a public toilet — always go to the first stall because it gets more air and is the least used of the stalls. ??? Anyway, another surprising thing — toilet seats carry less germs than the average household kitchen sponge!!! Who knew?!?!? Urine is fairly sterile and is of little concern for germ carrying as anything that might be in it dies when air hits it. So, best option is to simply wipe the toilet seat and sit down. No need to worry with those paper covers or toilet paper over the seat because there is a stronger danger of encountering germs when your hands are doing such things. Also, when washing your hands — it is important to lather up and wash for a minimum of 20 seconds. Oh, and, the average human carries a surprising amount of fecal matter in his/her underwear. Very bad to wear underwear more than once without washing —and even worse to not wear undies!!!! AND — of more concern than public toilets, hotels beds and shaking hands —- is the horrid nightmare that is the sponge!!!! …and your kitchen. Sponges should be washed daily and placed in the microwave for approx 1 minute after being washed. Personally, I don’t think I would use a sponge. Just stick with papertowels. Ewwwwwww!!!!! It was all quite interesting and Tyra was demonstrating how she uses public toilets when my world was shattered with the following exclamation:

    “I’M GONNA FUCKIN’ CUT YOU, MUTHA FUCKA!!!” ***

    I looked to my left and there stood a crazy man welding what looked to be a shiv. It was a yellow toothbrush with a razor blade attached by twine. He carried a stench of urine, vomit and whiskey. He was all twitchy and really angry. I could see the guard sneaking behind him and pressing some button on the wall in the entry way. …Let’s call our “friend” with the shiv “Randy”

    “‘Randy’, honey — take a deep breath and drop the knife. Everything is OK. No one here is going to hurt you.” …so spoke one of the nice folks behind the counter.

    “YOU’RE DAMN FUCKIN’ RIGHT NO ONE IS EVA GONNA HURT MY MUTHAFUCKIN’ ASS AGAIN!! I’M GONNA CUT YOU DEEP, BITCH!”

    I could hear the two people behind me getting up — and, it sounded like one was running toward the hallway of the clinic.

    ‘Randy’ sort of twitched forward closer to me and screamed, “WHERE THE FUCK YOU GOIN’ MUTHAFUCKA?!?! STAY HERE! I WANT YOUR WALLET, ASSHOLE!”

    I no longer heard running.

    “‘Randy’, now think about what you’re doing. Drop the knife and everything will be OK.”

    And, then — well, shit. ‘Randy’ looks at me.

    “‘Randy’ come on. Drop the knife and ‘Jo’ will come out and talk to you and make everything OK.”

    But, ‘Randy’ is still looking at me.

    “GIVE ME YOUR PURSE! I WANT YOUR PURSE!”

    Well, I can’t explain or defend my response. All I can say is that when you’ve been thru the last couple of years that I’ve had — well, you get a bit protective of what little you still own. My mouth went off before my brain could restrain myself.

    “NO!” …yeah, this is what I said to a mentally unbalanced/unhinged psycho with a shiv pointed toward me.

    “MUTHAFUCKA GIVE ME THAT FUCKIN’ PURSE!”

    “NO FUCKING WAY!” — and I found myself holding my way-cool bag close to my person like a baby. I mean, my mini iPod is in there — not to mention my meds! And, my chewing gum, my keys, my cell phone and my Hello Kitty note pad. No way this fucker was going to get my bag. I was getting ready to kick. Luckily, I was wearing my Doc Martens today and not my new way cool gay pink sneakers.

    “‘Randy’ he is going to give you his bag, but you need to drop the knife”

    It was at this point that I realized I was probably being a wee bit stupid. And, yet, I stayed poised ready to kick and my bag pressed firmly against my chest. I was Tyra-ready to jump the psycho.

    Luckily, the guard and three other guys were creeping up behind ‘Randy’ and they all pounced him to the ground. A lady came running from behind with a syringe in her latex gloved hand and shoved it into his shoulder. ??? ‘Randy’ was down for the count and the shiv was on the floor a few feet away from him. Another lady picked up the scary knife — she, too, was wearing gloves. Germs.

    Sirens. Some cops. A jacket. A stretcher. ‘Randy’ was carried out.

    I had been at the clinic for only about 30 minutes thus far. I was bumped ahead of my two fellow patients. I was led to a private space. As he wrote out my two ‘scripts he lectured me on the fact that you never agitate someone like I had and that nothing was worth putting my life or the lives of others at risk. I apologized and told him it was sort of automatic. He rolled his eyes. His hands were still trembling. I was surprisingly calm. I took my scripts and he told me to be well and wished me luck with my new job and on getting off the meds.

    I left. My way cool bag and contents in tact. I picked up a vanilla malt and headed to the “M” train.

    This was my adventure for the day. No more drama, please. I know that a few of you will think that I have exaggerated, but I haven’t. Free clinics can be interesting. …but not nearly as interesting as Tyra demonstrating how she uses a toilet.

    ***Up until today I thought that this was something one only heard in bad Linda Blair prison flicks. Guess I was wrong.

    May 23, 2006. Uncategorized. 16 comments.

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    OH, TINA!

    Saturday morning, as “B”* and I emerged from his apartment at about Noon we witnessed a most interesting San Francisco Castro Sight. “B” lives on a very queer positive street and it is near another infamous street which is on a rather severe SF incline/decline (dependent upon which direction you might be headed) Anyway, we both saw a man/boy dressed in some odd “party” costume made to look like a fish of some sort. This costume covered his back side, the top of his arms and the top of his head. He was running down in the incline of the street. Only, he wasn’t just running — He was sort of jumping and flapping his arms hysterically. Even from a distance he had a sort of manic high-impact energy. Oh, and his pants had fallen and were at his angles. This was causing some challenges for him as he ran/skipped/jumped his way down the steep street.

    “I think someone is still tweaking” …was my comment.

    “B” agreed.

    Now, this is where it got strange. We both stood watching Fish Club Boi sort of flapping down the hill when suddenly (and without any sort of warning) he just fell. …flat on his face. I am not exaggerating when I write that I think we heard him “splat” on the pavement. We both started walking slowly up the hill. I guess we were going to make sure he was OK. But, as we edged closer — Fish Club Boi sort of sprung back to life. He slowly pushed himself up. Clearly, the impact on the street had knocked him out. I didn’t want to see the blood — so I just sort of looked at his feet. Expensive foot gear and underwear. He had nice legs. He pulled his pants up. And, then, he was jumping up and down again — flapping on down the street toward the many queer brunchers of The Castro. Someone let Fish Club Boi leave the party too soon. It was one of those moments distinctly San Francisco. I’ve a feeling he is in a hospital right now. At the very least, his nose had to be have been broken. Oh, when will these cute little boys learn.

    We then spent the day exploring Berkeley where I was shown a very odd place filled with discarded items such as old photo albums of memories and families long forgotten. Kind of sad. But, wild and cool clown paintings, pianos and vinyl!!! Oh, and there were two customers there whom I really liked. They were a couple and it was as if they had been transported from 1969. She was in a hippie prairie dress with long flat hair and he had the same hair only with an unkept beard and really vintage bell bottom jeans with boots. I think they were on their way home to enjoy some hash, tofu and Melanie records.

    Alan is on his way to see Julie Andrews present the city with some sort of award. I am jealous, but will be adult about and not tell him. I wanna meet Mary Poppins!!!

    Oh, here are my way cool pink/brown shoes! I received many compliments on them today! …this is my pose for my cool new $12 shoes…

    We closed shop early but I was there till normal time doing all the things that have to be done. Oh well. At least I got to blast my fave music. I was riding the white horse as I closed the day and posted monies received.
    …it’s a ring. isn’t it cool???

    *”B” will now refer to The Boyfriend who is seriously rocking my world. sigh. …I hope I didn’t just curse myself.

    May 22, 2006. Uncategorized. 16 comments.

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    SHARING THIS MOMENT WITH YOU…

    I just wanted to take a few minutes to share this moment with you. It is about 25 minutes after Noon as I sit at my favorite table at my favorite cafe — you know, the one not too far from Castro Street but far enough that I don’t feel totally enslaved to tourism and the beat. Anyway, I am sitting here. The impossibly thin and bitchy woman is ordering her coffee from the sweet little boy who works the counter. The guy who always chats with me has shaved his head (a mistake in my opinion) seems to be pondering life — or, possibly his oddly formulated omelet. And, here I am. Watching. Not much is happening to report in my little Hello Kitty pocket journal which I can later transcribe. No, this is a very free-form moment filled with possibilites.

    I am not being honest.

    Yes. This is a free form moment, but it is not wrought with possibilites. Mainly — this moment is about my shoes. Yeah, my shoes. Last night as I worked my way down Market Street to check my mail box I stopped by one of my favorite thrift shops and finally gave in and bought those $12 pair of sneakers. The brown ones by Steve Madden with the pink stripes and pink laces. They are perfect. And, they are on my feet. Size 8. No one has made mention of my “new” shoes excepting Alan who commented as I whisked by him to catch the M train, “My, but those shoes have a bit of a pink streak!”

    I am not being honest.

    Yes. Alan did make comment on my way-cool-perfect shoes, but he said, “Matt, your shoes are pink.”

    “Is that bad?”

    “No. They are absolutely fabulous.” …but, Alan said this in a tone which indicated that he was more amused than impressed. He did, however, like my print shirt which is filled with images from B-grade Karate flicks of the 70’s. Silk-screened so that the images over-lap and look like drawings. I had forgotten I had picked this up a month or so ago.

    But, I wish you could see me in my karate flick designer, pink/brown shoes and vintage jeans glory. No so much because I think I look good or anything — but because I want to know if you think I look like a victim of fashion, a slave to it or an urban hipster queer waiting to meet up with his best pal and his boyfriend (who I hope might really like me and will not dump me when he discovers my many faults) —- You see, I want to share this minute with you to find out if I look OK or just bad.

    I don’t think any of us have the ability to actually “see” or “understand” how we look. I am not sure that is even possible. I see this all the time. Just look over at the flirty guy who shaved his head. Or, my Ing who has not concept of how very hot she is. Or, that girl who sat by me on the M train wearing the “baby doll” t-shirt and tight jeans which served only to cause us all to focus on this big roll of fat which hung over her jeans and betrayed her attempted look. I don’t think she would have worn that outfit had she realized. And, the look could have worked had she been working it — but her insecurity undermined any possible charm of cuteness her clothing might have accented.

    Yesterday someone started in on a topic which I shall not make mention of here. But, the long and short of his rant was that he and I needed to teach all those mid-to-late 30’s men how not to dress. To be honest, I thought he was being kind of mean to me but it turned out that he thought I was in my late 20’s — he thought I was his age. ?????

    Now, I know I should walk away from this feeling cool. However, I walked away wondering why or how he could possibly mistake me for being 28 or 29 and, if he really did —- does this mean that I act immature? When the person who was with me asked him how old he thought I was and then told him my age (oh, and thanks for that!) he responded by saying that I was so “young looking” “cool” “thin” and “dressed so well” — but, were these back-handed compliments? I am not fishing here. No, I am simply sharing my thoughts and insecurities. I am — sharing this moment.

    So, I do wish I could show you “my look” of the moment. My costume for the day. My Little Eddy Moment.

    Last night Alan and I watched Araki’s film version of MYSTERIOUS SKIN. I had not seen it since it played in cinemas last year. It blew both of us away. And, reminded both of us how very lame The OSCARS really are. This was the best acted film of 2005. And, that Joseph Gordon Levitt may turn out to be the most important actor to come our way in years. Remarkable work. And, OK — I am comfortable enough to admit it. I think he is incredibly hot. I know he is only something like 25, but he is so fucking cute. So hot that it doesn’t even matter that he really doesn’t have an ass. I am NOT a dirty old man. I am just saying — he’s really hot. …and, he gave the best performance of 2005. If you ask me. Actually, I guess he might be in a tie with Jennifer Jason Leigh who took only five minutes of PALINDROMES and totally rocked the screen as a 12 year old girl. Amazing.

    Speaking of MYSTERIOUS SKIN — both, Alan and I had to admit guilt in that we found the pedophile coach in the movie to be pretty hot. Well, not the pedophile coach, but the actor playing the pedophile coach. He was hot. Tho, not as hot as Mr. Gordon Levitt. But, Bill Sage is certainly more age appropriate for both of us.

    Even still, this incredible guy I’ve met, “B” — is better looking than both of these movie actors. And, equally talented. Just in a different area. He is a really gifted artist. He was working on an art project for a queer theory class he is taking when I first met him. He presented the finished project to the prof and the class earlier this week. He told me it was a big hit. He also told me that I served as his “muse” —- No one has ever called me a “muse” before. I was so flattered. Tho, I think I’d rather be a “siren”. ….You know, calling sailors off their charted course and into the rocks of doom and the depths of death. I’m so romantic. …Must be the shoes. They have a pink streak.

    Well, kids. This was my moment. No spell or gram check. Pure and true — the moment. Shared.

    iPod Shuffle, Saturday Morning On My Way to My Moment…
    “Slide In (DFA Remix)” by Goldfrapp
    “Weekend (James Iha Remix)” by Ladytron
    “Plotzich Is Alles Anders” by Stereo Total
    “Youth In Asia” by Dirty Sanchez
    “The Ballad of Sexor” by Tiga
    “Like A Motorway” by Saint Etienne
    “You Better, You Bet” by The Who
    “Paris Four Hundred” by Mylo
    “Koko” by Goldfrapp
    “You Can Feel Me” by Har Mar Superstar
    “Killing A Boy” by Melody Club
    “I Go Hard, I Go Home” by The Presets
    “Fistful of Love” by Antony & The Johnsons

    May 20, 2006. Uncategorized. 12 comments.

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    BEAUTY TIPS FROM THE STARS PART 4: BABS ATTEMPTS TO PUT HER PREGNANCY TO USE

    …not that we should all follow the stars and their extreme ways toward perfection, but sometimes it is interesting to contemplate what they toss our way. For instance — take my fave diva, Barbra Streisand. In the early 70’s she demonstrated an odd attempt to hide a pregnancy from her husband and turn it into a beauty enhancement.

    uh, oh. the rabbit died. what to do?!?!?

    ok, take a deep one and push with all your might…

    painful, but that unsightly bulge is gone!

    …and, look, something is happening!!!

    that bulge has deviated and moved upwards to the region of Barbra’s like butta chest…

    …and, presto! Barbra has increased her bust significantly!!!!

    Oh, embrace and enjoy the natural enhancement of deep pushing…

    Work it, Babs!

    Shit.

    Well, this is a temp measure and the pregnancy soon drops back down leaving Barbra with very little to show for her efforts.

    Still, there is always a visit to the father from Different Strokes who can take a feel of Barbra’s chest to see if there is anything that can be done…

    very, very, very odd cinematic moments. — and, matty didn’t have anything to blog about tonight so he is sharing the warmth of experimental comedy from Barbra circa 1972.

    May 17, 2006. Uncategorized. 14 comments.

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    A UNIQUE FREAK OR CHER IN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE????

    So, I’ve been reading the autobiography by Pete “Dead or Alive/You Spin Me Round” Burns. I discovered it thanks to one of my fave people,

  • Lubin, formerly known as The Trash Addict. …However, Lubin changed the name of his site because he neither an addict or trashy. Smart move. I was curious about this book so I got a copy and I’ve not been able to put it down.

    It is poorly written and destined for the bargain bin, but oddly hypnotic.

    I gather that this book was fueled and created by Pete’s appearance on Celebrity Big Brother UK where he shocked and rocked the nation with his odd fashion sense and cosmetic surgery survival stories. Actually, he looks a bit like Cher after a bender a bit too much botox. …What a difference a decade can make…

    Anyway, the book is odd. It is about Pete Burns and his life but you never walk away with a true sense of him or his life. Partly because I am not sure Pete Burns can hold on to a string of thought long enough to tell a complete story. Tho, he does make it very clear that David Bowie was NEVER an influence. Apparently is was all about Suzi Quatro for Pete. His mother was some sort of royalty who pal’d about with Marlene Dietrich but this is never really explained or discussed. It is simply thrown out there for us to “know” — however I can tell you all about Pete’s horribly botched lip job. More than I would ever want to tell you, actually. Oh, and he thinks Madonna is “tired” and he can hear many other people’s melodies in her music so he feels he never need listen to her work. Ok. But, he loves Suzie Quatro. And, there is a great picture of he and Elton John in which Elton actually looks a bit worried and uncomfortable. Who can blame him? Still. I’d like to have dinner with Pete Burns. He seems to be a complex, odd and interesting character. Boy? Man? Girl? Woman? Dead or Alive? I don’t think he knows. But, he has a life partner. …and there is a very creepy picture of Pete posing with his boyfriend’s little girl who looks as dazed and confused as Pete.

    Interesting bits are mentioned but never formerly explored. Such as the following:

    “…He (Pete’s pussy-whipped father) has his own way of dealing with it and the last occasion he had to, it was on Christmas when my mum was sitting in a chair and she kicked my dad in the back and he fell into the fire. I said, ‘She’s drunk!’ and he was going, ‘She’s not drunk!’ as he beat the flames out of his sweater.”

    …Now, this is all we know of this little incident, but I want to know more! Pete! Why did she kick him? Did she respond to the question of her behavior? Did he leave her? Did she leave him? To leave the reader wanting more is one thing but to leave the reader confused is a whole other agenda. In fact, the next paragraph goes into Pete’s discussion of fact is stranger than fiction. Actually, there is a lot in Pete’s book that seems oddly familiar. I am not saying that Pete made up anything but I have to wonder if he doesn’t get his reality mixed with movies and novels. I’ve read some of these things before. And the scary discussions of his cosmetic surgical nightmares. Creepy stuff!!!

    One thing is for sure — this puts the Jane Fonda autobiography to shame — and she has led an interesting life. Yet, Pete could have taught Jane a few things about how to bring it to life!

    As Pete writes, “I don’t use makeup any more. I use knives.” …and, maybe, a few spoons…

    Hmmmmmm…

    May 15, 2006. Uncategorized. 10 comments.

  • 114763823577159275

    RESTRAINT BY THE NUMBERS

    I always aim to be a supportive, loyal and solid friend. It was this aim in mind when I explained to Ing that, while I understood her need to clean her home in preparation for the arrival of her parental unit, I could not let her move forward with her plans. We had plans for last night but they all had to be amended when I discovered that we had the opportunity to see Matthew Barney’s film version of his latest artistic vision, DRAWING RESTRAINT 9. The 2.5 hour film is a glimpse into what will make up his show and collaborative effort with his life partner, Bjork. So, you see, Ing had no choice. She had to trek with me and Alan to see the masterpiece that Barney and Bjork have wrought. Ing understood the gravity of the situation and we proceeded to walk toward our destination.

    I’ve had a cold since Monday. I think this is my month to be sick. Anyway, my nose bleeds when I have a cold or great sex. But, as Ing and I walked up this street my nose started bleeding without warning. …All over me. So, I did what anyone would do and screamed, “Ingrid! Ouch! Stop hitting me!!!!” — and ran several paces in front of her. As always, Ing caught that ball with grace and started chasing up the street shaking her fist screaming words that would make her parental unit blush. Once we made our way to one of the many Tacorio thing-i-ees all over the city — I ran to the restroom, stripped off my way cool but now blood stained OP hoodie and soaked it. Then Ing and I sat for a while and discussed life, love, sex, the meaning of life, God and Matthew Barney’s DRAWING RESTRAINT 9. You know. The things that really matter in life.

    Bjork.
    Wow. It’s been a long road from that imp of a little girl who warmed our hearts as she fronted that odd little outfit we now remember as The Sugarcubes to the clubster sprite of the very early 90’s to the head mistress of electronica to the daring performance on the OSCARS wearing a dead swan. But, who would have guess that our fave little pixie of eccentricity would land in the arms of hunky but VERY odd conceptual video artist, Matthew Barney?!?!? Actually, it all makes perfect sense if one charts our Bjork’s sonic adventure. I do, however, worry for what it might be like for their love child. That poor kid must have “trouble” written all over his little face! yeah, Matthew Barney is fucking hot but he knows it and you better remember it, baby!!!

    Anyway, DRAWING RESTRAINT 9 seems to be a meditation on the need of both nature and man to draw on restraint in an attempt to prevent the natural course of things. Now, this idea goes against the very grain of nature. But, that is how I viewed what we saw displayed on the screen. Ritualistically human formalities contrasted with ritualistic workings of a rig crew on the great seas to those of native women collecting things from a reef and the very “nature” of nature fighting against them all. Yes, it is all quite heavy and metaphorical. It is also oddly pretty with all of it’s metallic. lubed and blue glory. And, Bjork has created an amazing musical score for her man’s film. …giving it all for art.

    It is a cool bit of experimental film. I was never bored for all 160 minutes. However, there were more than a couple of audience members who opted to leave before it ended. However, let’s be honest. The scene for which this film will always be remembered is the one in which Bjork and Matthew sort of make love while using huge butcher knives to hack off each other limbs in a pool of liquid composed of sea water, blood, tea and Vaselilne. As the flesh is pulled away and appendages are hacked off we discover what we knew all along. Yes, kids. Bjork and Mr. Barney are little whales.

    anyway, during one of the more graphic moments — Bjork tenderly pulls away the meat from Matthew’s leg — Ing was cringing uncomfortably in her seat — I leaned over to Ing and whispered, “Ahhhhh. True love”

    I am not sure what this was all about, but I kind of like it. And it was cool to see the film for which the music I’ve been playing on my iPod for over a year was written. Oh, and I’d like to say that I am all for drawing restraint if that is what floats your boat but count me out if knives are involved. I don’t think I am up for that. No. I am not a little whale. I’m a little tea cup with glitter flowers ’round the edges. …when life gives you lemons, toss them in a tub with Bjork. It works.

    May 14, 2006. Uncategorized. 13 comments.

    114723145317337696

    ING & MATTY GET GOLDFRAPP’D!!!! …AND MORE!

    Yes, I wore my new Goldfrapp US Tour T-shirt to work today! I was the envy of all! …and, we had a patient who called and canceled his appointment for his deep cleaning because he had been out partying too hard at the Goldfrapp show! Ing and I were a bit more reserved. We opted for high class and gloss vs. low and dirty on the dance floor in front of the stage. Well, I was near death’s door just a few days ago so I felt I better take it easy. Ing was a doll about it. The Fillmore is so cool and a great place to see a show live. We both took turns running down the stage floor. …where we each jumped up and down and waved to each other (we were in one of those cool orchestra boxes over the stage) — Ing looked so fucking hot in her French cut jeans and hot pink glitter disco Goldfrapp horse tshirt. I was wearing a cool shirt I had purchased for the event. I like my Goldfrapp t-shirt, but the ones for the ladies were cooler. I was going to get one, but Ing felt that they were just too femme for me. Oh well.

    Ing chatted up an old hippie guarding the access to the back stage area — which was dangerously close to us!! And, the kind-a cute British roadies kept coming up from the stage and out to the room where we were seated. Ing tried to convince me to offer up blow jobs to the two sorta cute roadies so that we could get back stage passes and bond with Allison and her band, but I’m not that kind of boy. I asked Ing if she would be willing to do the hippie who was guarding the door and reading a Louie Lamour (sp??) but she said that this was my job not hers. sigh. Anyway, I don’t do that sort of thing. Besides, 39 is far too old to slip into the life of a Goldfrapp groupie. Oh, and Ing is the first person to explain why we call them “blow jobs” and not “suck jobs” because one does not really blow. (I hope you all know that) …Anyway, as Ing explains it — one is giving pleasure so that the recipient can blow his load. Hence, blow job. Wow! Never knew that. I didn’t ask her about that “salad” thing. Maybe next time as I don’t get that expression either. However, I do know how and have been “caked” But, that is a whole other blog.

    However, I did have to go to the restroom. The Fillmore is really cool, but the men’s room is really just a big piss trough. I had to stand next to this boy (maybe 24-ish) — as I was relieving myself he was making it very clear that he was watching me do my business. I finally looked over at him as I was starting to find it hard to take a wee. He then told me that he liked my dick. I slipped into a frail voice and said, “Uh, thanks.” …then I zipped up and he followed me over to the sink. I was washing my hands. He was leaning against the wall behind me holding his cocktail and said something that I shall not repeat. I ran away. Ing told me I should be flattered. Ok.

    The concert was amazing! Goldfrapp took the stage at about 9:20pm and their performance was flawless. They were able to recreate the exact same sound as their recorded work which is really quite rare and they were performing. No lip-syncing crap here! Her voice is amazing. I was particularly impressed with her vocal work on “Lovely Head” which blew me away. I loved that electronic gadget that distorted her yodeling. Neat-O.

    Allison Goldfrapp looked amazing in her form-fitted black jumpsuit — with the highest spike heels I think I’ve ever seen! She is gorgeous! However, based on what I’ve seen, heard and read — they really toned down their show for the US. No costume changes, dancing or much glitz. However, her two Go-Go dancers were awesome!!!! I loved all of their scary animal head masks they wore as they danced perversely to all the great music. My fave dancer costume was for Ride The White Horse where they had these enormous disco ball-like horse heads — and they pranced about Allison as she sang her heart out.

    It was a sold out show! And everyone seemed to know the words to all the songs. Ms. Goldfrapp seemed to be wanting to do one of her more ambient trip hop shows, but she would start to lose the audience (including Ing) when she sang some of their earlier/slower stuff. The San Francisco crowd wanted electric boom and bounce. …and they got it! Excellent and wondrous experience!! And, check out the way-cool poster that they gave us!!!!

    The Fillmore was filled with way cool posters from all these years of performing. I mean, everyone from Janis to Blondie has been on that stage — and every poster from every performance was represented. It was most neat! As we were leaving we saw this one incredible and original/vintage Fillmore poster of The Who when they were there in the 60’s to perform TOMMY. We both thought of Gina and wished that she had been there to share in Goldfrapp with us. Ing shared some way cool concert story adventures she had shared with Gina. I had to pull Ing down by force as she was trying to pry The Who poster off the sacred walls of the Fillmore. I was so worried she was going to get arrested.

    Gina — you are much loved!

    Oh, and do you guys like my swank new messenger bag??!?!?! Please say you do! I lost my receipt so I’m stuck with it!!! I like it.

    I just told Alan all about how cool the show was and now I feel guilty. He is now wishing he had met us and scored a ticket from a scalper. Oh well.

    Tomorrow, I am meeting with this incredible man I’ve met for dinner!!! I’m excited, can’t wait to see him but I’m also nervous. Nervous in a really cool, good way. I feel self-conscious and goofy around him. Sigh.

    Ok. No spell check or review. I’m just posting cuz I’m kind of tired. Goldrapp can do that to you.

    May 9, 2006. Uncategorized. 29 comments.

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