READY FOR MY CLOSE UP…


Wow! What a long weekend! Yes, I have been to LA, Hollywood, Santa Monica, Malibu and Venice Beach — and I’ve returned enlightened. I wish I could share the mis-adventures that B and I shared with Beck and Luke Wilson, but I’m not one to name drop. So, I will keep my words to a very small stretch and try my best to let some of my pix speak for themselves.

Of course, one of my life long dreams has now been achieved. Yes, I finally found the actual apartment used by Barbra Streisand for her fucking awesome movie, A STAR IS BORN! The following pictures are of Esther Hoffman’s apartment!!!! That is me! Sitting in the same place Babs once walked about and filmed a movie! (sigh) …I could feel the magical karma all around me. Blessed are the people who now live there!

After B forced me back into the car, we made our way to the ultimate tourist destinations. However, business first! We had an appointment with one, Ms. Janice Dickinson. Yes, she was late. Again!
She wanted me to be her next big model but I just don’t have the time. Nor did, B. Actually, And, B is thinking about suing. the agency is in the middle of a mall. …and it appears to be a total set.

Saw some neat things here!
striking a pose in preparation for the “live” appearances of Brad and George.
…always a polite thing to bond with Joan.
I cleaned it and did my very best to teach and prevent people from walking on it!!

They lost our reservations here! And, most interesting! There is a Budget Rent-A-Car right by this highly prized hotel — and in its tiny lot are Beamers, Rolls Royces and Hummers. …and, hidden away as if in shame was one loan Lexus. Yet, it was the same shit Budget Car office building. Go figure. Anyway, we found a great room at The Travel Lodge Royale in Westwood! I like to jump on hotel beds. …yep, I like to live on the edge, baby!

Then, it was time for a drive up to the infamous curvy road!!!!…is it not the cutest boy you’ve ever seen!?!?! …I was feeling inspired. …you can dance.
…if you look close you can almost see the Hollywood sign. Too much smog.

Then, it was on to Venice Beach! And, this is where Linda Blair fell in love with that skinny dude and they Roller Boogie’d like there was no tomorrow! I always knew my life would lead me to the very place where ROLLLER BOOGIE was filmed. I just knew it.

There are, apparently, aliens roaming about Venice Beach. They seemed harmless enough. For a dollar you can pose with them. However, they don’t talk or anything. Actually, from the odd smell — I began to think that they might be dead. Exploitation!

There was some wicked cool art! B posed with some!

While I got a wacky tourist baja and was the Hit of the Boardwalk!!!! And, I picked up some way cool sun glasses!

We ate a lot of junk food! But, it was at Canter’s Deli that I think I gained 40 pounds in one sitting. This was the best food I’ve had in ages!!! This Koser deli rocks!

We ran along the same pier that Jack, Chrissy and Janet used to dance and jiggle their way into our hearts back in the 70’s. It was a great trip! And, we opted to skip the 101 on the way back home by taking the scenic route along Hwy 1. It was a very pretty ride. Or, so I hear. I was asleep for most of it. I was quite tired. Poor B had to drive most of the way home without the pleasure of my endless stream of consciousness conversation. (i think he might have been relieved)

At some point we did end up here. I took a picture.

All in all — LA was cool, but I don’t think I could live there. I missed the fresh air of SF and the odd things one sees on the streets here. And, I guess she must be a big star but Terri Hatcher cut us off in her Beamer SUV thing. She is a stick, too. And, tho, I was never certain — i’m pretty sure I could feel the presence of Goldie Hawn lurking at our every turn. And, kids, that was most worrying!

However, there was a great deal of beauty and surprise in Southern California. It was fun! …I took this picture. I rather like it and feel it sums up Southern California on a cool summer day!

And, I sat my ass in the very same place that Barbra sat her once fine ass back in the spring of 1976! cool. Barbra’s 70’s butt was quite nice — and she was ever so limber. (the end) …and, soon we leave for my family reunion later this week! Denver, here we come! B gets to bond with my mom, brother and other members of my family!

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May 29, 2007. Uncategorized. 28 comments.

A POSTCARD FROM CAPP & 18th

it was impossible to miss.

the pink feather boa was flying in the breeze. even harder to miss was the suspiciously tall girl in platform shoes who was chasing after it. right into the street. horns. a slam of brakes.

“Freak!”
“Get out of the street!”

her large hands grasped the boa and slowly she drape’d it over her too-tanned and far too-broad shoulders.

with not a glance in either direction she sauntered back on to the sidewalk greeted with a friendly “You go, girl!” from the store clerk who was chocking on her ciggie.

i feel a squishy sort of sensation. i look down. appears to be a freshly discarded condom and the yellow-ish clear gel oozes out on to the sides of my steve maddens. great.

but, now there’s trouble outside the grocer’s.

“i turn you, man! i will fuckin’ turn you!”
“who yo gonna turn, muthafucka?”
“you! i said i’s gonna turn you!”
“go ‘head on, then! turn me! tell ’em i stole yo fix! go the fuck on!”
more screaming, pushing and slurring all brought to a halt by the threat of a call to the cops.

it is in the middle of this that i walk.
watching.
listening.
noting.

“hey! watch where you groove, my brother.” …i’m warned by that white dude who wears all those skeleton rings.

i walk on.
i feel full.
i feel full of life.

this lost magic place i call home will not be ignored. it simply refuses.

and, with a slight press to the iButton i’m left to a world of black snow cherries from france.

May 23, 2007. Uncategorized. 24 comments.

ACHING HEADS, SYRINGES & MAGIC BOTTLES!

I’ve been wishing I had a Jeannie bottle to climb into…. It always looked so cool and comfortable in there! As long as your evil darker head’d cousin doesn’t nab your home bottle, plug it up and send you off away to a cruel master or anything. Ah, to dream. Alas, my head has been hurting too badly to even dream.

You see, I fall prey to horrible migraines from time to time. Luckily, not all that often. However, when they do hit they kill! I had one Sunday night going into Monday morning and then another Monday afternoon and then a third hit last night. First partially blinded by lights then pain that leaves one wondering how to move without causing the brain to pop. I gave up and called my doctor’s office this morning as I can’t afford to miss another day of work. After a bit of begging and some annoying/painful examinations I was given a shot! …in the bum. At first, I felt kind of hot and then I tossed my Diet Coke (so to speak), then I was made to lay down for about 10 minutes, then I was told to take a cab home, stay out of the heat and rest for the remainder of the day. And, I will be good to go to work tomorrow! My head doesn’t even hurt that bad anymore! Actually, I didn’t even use a cab! No. I’m tough. I took the bus home! I was feeling really pretty good, but then I felt kind of woozy and have been on the sofa ever since.

Bored, my mind floated back to the idea of taking a nap in Jeannie’s bottle! Seems to me that the interior was sometimes black and pink or all pinks and reds. Either way, it looked so cool! Of course, one would have to find a way to get very tiny or secure a really big bottle. I don’t think I’d look very good dressed as like Jeannie. Perhaps I could pull off an Aladan sort of look. Well, if there was a proper shirt. Maybe by end of summer I could do vest only, but for now there would have to be both a shirt and a vest.

Anyway, tis but a dream…

There is a really talented fellow in LA who makes Jeannie bottles. I mentioned him in my last post, but you can visit his site at http://www.jeanniebottles.com — and, if you’ve got the $$$ you can get one!!! Actually, considering that they are each unique, brass and painted with the same sort of paint one uses for a new car — it is well worth it! I have been saving my coins in a full-on pig bank which I hope to send me and B to Paris/London. However, reality has set in and I know that my savings won’t get me as far as LA. But, if I play my spare change right I just might be able to afford my very own brass Jeannie bottle by my 41st bday!!!! Sadly, I don’t think I’ll be able to fit in the bottle.

Now, I know thatSHE said that there is one that could make me smaller, but I don’t think SHE meant it in a literal way. Sigh.

May 22, 2007. Uncategorized. 9 comments.

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO HOLY MTN!

I finally got around to watching Alejandro Jodorowsky’s THE HOLY MOUNTAIN… It was more and less of what I had expected. Certainly it rides high on the hippie-dippy-after-The Mason Family-Movie-Wagon, but it also has some amazing visuals. And, more than a few interesting insights into a culture which is sickened by too much blind faith in organized religion and governmental rule. Very dated and quite flawed, it is still an artistic venture worth checking out if so inclined. I mean, this film did drive Marilyn Manson to pursue Jodorowsky to peform the marriage ceremony for he and his once “true love” Dita. Having this artist serve as the minister at your wedding is most certainly dooming it to hell. However, I be there was one hell of party at the reception. Anyway, I digress…

As I watched this odd experiment of a film I began to think about all the important things facing us at this moment in time. I thought about global warming, the continuing gentrification of San Francisco, this endless stupid tragic war of ours, our idiot of a president, the steady erosion of our civil rights, racism, poverty, homelessness, the fact that I’m probably less than a paycheck away from being among the homeless, and all manner of grave issues for which there seems little hope.
But, then I realized that I was being silly. The real and true issue that we all as a world order must remedy is the fate of Paris Hilton! I mean, my God! This poor girl is about to go to jail. Yes. Jail! And, even worse — they are going to take away her mobile phone while she is in her isolation cell. And, we all know that orange is not Paris’ color! Remember that outfit?!?!? Shudder to think!

Aw, the humanity! And, yes, Jack Nicholson was right — I can’t handle the truth! And, dammit! I don’t have enough cool shoes!

Not to be too superficial, but I find it easier to think about the plight of Paris Hilton than to dwell my head too long on things that really matter. Which of course is the whole problem with our culture.

Still. I think I might feel better if I can own a hand crafted I Dream Of Jeannie bottle! Ing and I met the guy who creates these and he hangs with Barbara Eden. So, quite obviously, these bottles are magical. We found him and his bottles at a new age fair after all!

If wishes were horses, I’d ride a few and get myself an I Dream Of Jeannie Bottle!!! And, I’d let Paris make a few phone calls while she is forced to wear that ugly pants suit and the chains. …and, I’d like to buy the world a Diet Coke. I would. I really would. …because you won’t gain a single ounce no matter how much of it you drink!!! Magic elixir.

I forgot the point of my post, but it was very important. Just believe me on that point. Of course, maybe there wasn’t much of a point. I woke up with a terrible migraine, yacking up in toilet and spent the day in bed with a pillow over my head. Essentially it suck’d. Now, I lie on the sofa watching Ken Russell’s TOMMY for the 500th (or so) time — but this time with Mr. Russell’s commentary. However, I am doing that mainly because my head is too sore to handle rock. And, we all know that Mr. Townsend can rock.

Now, where did I put that Jeannie bottle?

Kisses,
matty

May 21, 2007. Uncategorized. 11 comments.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF CINDY SHERMAN?

Despite my dangerous lack of funds, I had to pick this book up when I saw it sitting all alone at Green Apple. It was pay day after all and I figure a boy should be able to buy at least one thing per pay check. Am I right? …forget I asked. Anyway, I love the images she creates. I will be reading the text analysis provided in this large volume but I’ve not done so yet. I have never been able to decide if she was a living and breathing canvas which warp’d out of Diane Arbus’ deathbed or if she is simply lampooning our culture. …or lack of it. Or, if she is lampooning us for accepting her work as fine art. Or is her work meant to make us laugh. …and cringe. The clown portraits disturb on all levels and her more recent works around genitalia or quite worrying. What does it all mean? And, how and why did she come to make the dark comedy feature film, OFFICE KILLER?!??

Much to my surprise, she is actually quite pretty when out of her costuming and posing. I think this shot was taken at an exhibit in NYC last year.

Well, here are some samples of more recent work from Ms. Sherman. Certainly gets one’s attention.



I can’t wait to read my new book, but I have to take care not to drop it in the bath or spill Diet Coke or water on it. I tend to be rough on books. That’s why I never keep them unless they are quite special to me. …or, unless they art books like this one.

I have a very dandy collection of art books — the most valuabel are my Diane Arbus and Pierre et Gilles giant books which are no longer in print. But, I suppose I look at my Isabelle Huppert art book that my brother got for me after seeing that exhibit in NYC. (Thanks Roy!!!)

I wish I were more thin.

And, I really want that jacket at Citizen.

What would Cindy Sherman do?

May 19, 2007. Uncategorized. 13 comments.

I MET STEVIE NICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!


Well, not really. But wouldn’t it have been, like, totally cool if i had?!?!? But B got us kick ass seats for the first night of The Crystal Visions 2007 Tour!!! And, she so totally rocked the house! I had never seen Ms. Nicks perform live without any apparent aid of one substance or another. She was spectacular. It was an amazing show! At 59 about to be 60 she looked so beautiful! Not thin, but not over weight — she had an elegantly sexy look full of curves and spun like nobody’s business! And, on top of that — her voice was in top form. Flawless and never out of tune — she was just awesome on all levels. Even her LedZep cover worked! And, when one thinks of all the songs she has written over the years and hears only a fraction sung over about 2.5 hours —- Well, kids, it was just magical! And she had some of her finest shawls on display!

…and, this CD is quite good. I suggest it if you enjoy African or Afro-centric music. This new one from Ms. Kidjo has a blend of Western influence that adds an interesting twist to her musical interpretations. Get it!

Claude Chabrol’s infamous 1977 film which made Isabelle Huppert a star finally arrieved to DVD! I’ve been waiting to see this film for years. Based on a true story of a young woman who systematically set out to murder both of her parents in the early 1930’s, Chabrol’s slightly surreal film is unsettling and deceptively “simple” —- very much worth a look. If you’re like me you will find yourself thinking more about it a few days after having seen it than while you’re actually watching it. I’m still not clear on what Chabrol wants to say with this film. Huppert is hopelessly young and impossible to forget. And, the ending leaves you with both a chill and vague sense of confusion about what is wrong and what is right. …a worrying film. Check it out. Too bad no one bothered to better master it for DVD release. Isabelle Huppert could have never done anything but star in movies.


“…All your life youve never seen a woman
Taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven
Will you ever win

She is like a cat in the dark
And then she is the darkness…”

May 18, 2007. Uncategorized. 5 comments.

MY ALL TIME FAVE TV SHOWS


Old Cheeser tag’d me a while back to list out my fave TV shows. Old Cheeser is neither “old” or “cheezy” — in fact he is a cool swinging England kind of guy! I have had a hard time coming up with a list. Actually, that is not true. I am embarrassed because I don’t really watch “TV” as such unless it is on a DVD. But, I grew up on it. And, there are several programs I love and can watch over and over and over again! So, here is my list!

AbFab!
Well, kids — this is my all time fave TV show. I know it pretty much by heart and have loved every episode. Yes, even the later ones. This is humor of which I approve. Dark, mean-spirited and pop culture obsessed. I think Jennifer Saunders almost managed to create a sitcom which has absolutely no characters of any moral fiber or nice qualities. However, there is something about Edina, Patsy, Saffy and Gram that makes us love them. And, the “joke” may have gotten a bit long in the tooth — but I will take this joke over a FRIENDS episode any day. Is that show still on?!?!?

NIGHTY NIGHT

…only two series (aka seasons) but this is fucking brilliant! …and totally sick and twisted. While Ms. Saunders may not have fully managed to create a show around totally damned souls, Julia Davis did! This program pushed the envelope so far it fell off the desk and slid out on to a dirty street for all the world to see! I love this show! And, while series 2 was so far off the hook to the point of insanity — I love it all the more. Fish mongers will never be the same for me.

MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN
Darkly funny, sort of surreal take on the American 1970’s Soap Opera and state of our culture at that time — this show still packs a punch. And, I bet you will see more of yourself and your life reflected in it than you would have ever imagined. God bless Norman Lear! …and, Louise Lasser. Who was really hot when you consider that silly hair “do”!!!!

THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW & RHODA

OK, here’s the deal: TMTM Show is quite dated, but it is still, in my opinion the classic American sitcom. It just works so well. And, you might try — but you will love Mary. Who else could turn the world on with a smile?!?! And, Betty White was funny on GOLDEN GIRLS — but she will never top the uber-bitch she played on this show! Perfect! And, then there is the spin-off show, RHODA. Even more dated and not as good — but come on! Kids, this is virtual video bible for modern life! Single in the middle years, failed relationships, the joy of falling in love, the pain of losing it and not really knowing what you want to do with your life — and all with a laugh track and a mom from Hell! Big thumbs up!

PEEP SHOW
Probably the only show on my list that str8 guys will love as much as women and gay men. British peek into the lives of two losers on the beltway of life. Comic, awkward, painful and 80% more effective than anything THE OFFICE ever attempted!! I can’t wait for Series 4! Please tell me that there is/will be one!!!

THE BRADY BUNCH

So bad it is good. No, so terrible it is fucking awesome! I mean the mom and dad were so hot, Marcia’s hair was to die for and Peter was soooooooooooo cute!!!!! I’m still trying to figure out where that attic came from? Oh, and it all on DVD now! …and the box set is encased in green shag carpet. I want it so bad I can almost taste Alice’s meatloaf!

FRENCH & SAUNDERS
They just bring me joy. One look from either of them can send me into hysterical fits of laughter! True, the girls work isn’t as shocking or as fresh as it seemed back when I first saw them in the mid 80’s — but they still rule! And, no two people ever performed a Kylie song as opera better! Not to mention ramblin’ discussions on Lady Di and Jerri Hall that are hard to forget! …and, who can forget Dawn French’s take on Jackie Stallone?!?!? “…Yeah, Jackie.”

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, HAZEL AND GOOD TIMES

All three shows are from different eras of time in exaggerated forms. No one answered a door like Hazel, No one was as mean as Mr. B, no one was a cute as The Beaver, no mom was as ever as perfect as Mrs. Cleaver, Ward was always a bit too hard on the Beaver, no one was as self-righteous as Mrs. Evans and it is hard to not find these three shows oddly addictive.

Well, those are my faves!

May 16, 2007. Uncategorized. 27 comments.

AND, THIS IS ME WITH A CHICKEN…

Bits and pieces of a conversation I heard while I ate my lunch and pretended to be writing very important notes and ideas — when actually all I was doing was transcribing the things that these three rather large men were saying. They were all in their late 30’s to early 40’s, overweight and kind of, well, slimy. I don’t know how else to say it.

At first I noticed them because they were so gross. It was just the four of us in the tiny courtyard of this way cool Mission restaurant. They were trading fart jokes and comparing the sexual merits of women by their ethnicity. It was disgusting. There was also a good deal of stupid conversation around the world wrestling federation, star trek and some poor girl who was just hired. All three of them are betting on who will get to “bed” her first.

The shocking thing was that it turned out that these cretins were actually publishers/editors. And, after all their stupid conversing over their lunch they began a business meeting. They were discussing plans for what would be published and how to deal with the writers. Much to my surprise they each said a few intelligent things! Like, they all agreed that Michelle Tea is brilliant.
Tho, after they discussed her for a while — the eldest added that it made him sad that she is a lesbian (actually, he said “dyke”) …and then the fattest one commented that just the thought of her being a lesbian gave him, and I quote, “a fuckin’ huge boner, dude!”

Anyway, I sat there and wrote the comments that seemed the most odd and interesting. I think they are most fun out of context. Here are my fave comments by the 3 straight publishing “dudes”

“I’ve no concern with telling him to change his religion to sell his damn book!”

“Oh, please! That is never going to sell! What is the titty count for that one?”

“Yeah, but can he really raise Satan? Is this a valid claim?” (um, this was stated in all seriousness. i am not kidding or exaggerating)

“Can we just talk about erect nipple fiction?”

“I don’t agree. Ethics doesn’t even factor in here. All that matters is that we sell the fucker!”

“What about weed? Do we have anything working up about or ‘how to’ when it comes to the 420?”

“Shit on me if I know. I mean, I really can’t believe that idiotic book about porn stars is selling. Maybe this will sell too. And, if it doesn’t, I’m sure we can push it thru Urban Outfitters later on.”

“No. I will not suggest that one. The bottom line is that the whole dick trick thing is over.”

“I’ll take that meeting. I mean, she is the real deal. She is a great writer and has a great pair of tits!”

“Look. I don’t want to talk about board books. ‘Martha’ was talking about board books all fucking morning!”

“I know the pictures are about tying women in knots, but how is the text?”

“Is he willing to change his religion to sell this book? If we can tell PR that he is an actual Baptist it might work with the right cover.”

“We need better gay fiction. No more AIDS shit. The gay guys don’t want to read that crap!”

“I love this one. She has essentially created a novel about a girl who claims to want to have a baby so she can just fuck day and night. I swear to you! The character is using birth control the whole time! And, then she has an abortion. I really think it will sell!”

“Who does that bastard think he is?!?!? Capote?!?! Give me a fucking break!”

“What’s going on with that Marilyn Manson book? Do you think anyone is going to care?”

…lunch there will never be the same.

May 14, 2007. Uncategorized. 8 comments.

BLIND SPOT or MATTY GETS SOME NEW GLASSES!

I’ve been saying I needed to get my eyes checked for some time now. Due to both lack of funds and general phobia around the idea of shopping for frames I haven’t really pursued it.
However, last night while B and I were about to take in a viewing of silly zombie movie called 28 WEEKS I thought I saw a co-worker who I thing is quite cool and fun. However, it was all blurry so I couldn’t decide if it was him. However, he started walking toward us. He began to waive. I still could not make out his face, but the jacket looked really familiar. And, then as he was within a few feet I knew it was my friend! I felt stupid and explained that I was almost blind and couldn’t decide if it was him. Blah, blah, blah. It was cool.

But, this morning on the way to look for a baby present for a friend of ours B pointed out a sign. I said I could see it but couldn’t quite make it out. B suggested that I read it to him when I was close enough to see it. We walked some more. And, a bit further. I mentioned my need for a Diet Coke. And, then I read the sign to him. B pulled me back (we were holding hands cuz we’re like that) and he said — “OK, let’s get your eyes checked” …I think he had forgotten that I was supposed to read the sign to him when I could see it. And, from what I can gather he had been able to read the sign quite a bit before me.


Anyway, we walked in. I filled out some paper work. Was sent to a sort of closet-like examination room and a doctor proceeded to have me review a large number of eye charts, lens, shapes and other things. Long story short — I really need some new glasses. A sample of our chat:

Doctor: “Now. What do you see?”
Me: “Sorry?”
Doctor: “On the screen. What do you see?”
Me: “What screen?”

Doctor: “Read that to me”
Me: “Should I try to read what is there or tell you the truth?”
Doctor: “The truth”
Me: “Looks like little black shapes against a white background”
Doctor: “Ok” flips something “Read it now”
Me: “Oh! Cool! K R L 0 5 S”
(silence) …the doctor flips something, “OK, now read that to me!”
Me: “Ok. Um, K R L 0 5 S — wait, no. K R I O 3 3”
(silence)

Doctor: “Which is better, 1 or 2?”
Me: “Um, is there a third option?”
Doctor: “Have you considered a job in comedy?”

Anyway, my vision sucks. He advised me to spend the extra money to get the really thin type lenses because I could be on my way to coke bottles. Asked me if I had considered surgery. I asked him if he could loan me the money. He laughed. I just stared out into the space where I think he was seated.

B, my knight in cool clothes, loaned me the money to get a pair of glasses. I poll’d everyone in the store while B went out and found Ing (who was quite busy PR-ing and purchasing odd things that she explained were “plants”) …and the Oliver Peeples semi-rims won out! They are a bit funky and B worries that I will grow tired of them. However, I will just be happy to see again! Sadly, my vision insurance (which will actually be saving me about $300!) requires that they send the frames off to be fitted for my lenses. So, I won’t be able to see for about 2 more weeks.

I’ve tried to find a picture of what they will look like. I had no luck — However, these are quite close! Just imagine them jet black with a purple lining and no rims on the bottom. I will be stylin’, baby!

Stand back! I shall be fierce — and if you give me any ‘tude — I’ll be able to see you. So, do keep that in mind!

May 13, 2007. Uncategorized. 20 comments.

MAKING A GREEN SPLASH…

Well, neither of us could see it coming. It had been a busy morning. Lunch time had arrived! I found some candy in the break room and had picked up a medium size jaw breaker.

I walked down to this cool little place in the area.

I was feelin’ good in my Guess flare-leg’d jeans, CK button down shirt and sylin’ zip up jacket. I ordered a turkey sandwich dry and a Diet Coke. I took my time eating. It was nice. I decided it was the ideal time to enjoy my jawbreaker.

I tossed it in my mouth and allowed it to move around a bit as I gently closed my eyes and sort of mentally processed and prioritized the remainder of my day. As is the way with time — it flew. I realized it was time to head back to the office. I got up and decided that I should pick up some sugar free gum.

I walked up to the cool lady at the register. I picked up the gum. She began to ring me up. We smiled at each other and as she took my five dollar bill she said:

“How was lunch, hon?”

I opened my mouth to say ‘great’ but an amazing amount of green drool spilled out of my mouth and on to her counter.

(very awkward moment of confusion and silence)

Not sure if I should pretend it never happened or take the shame. I stood there for what seemed like minutes but was probably only a few seconds. She began to busy herself which was odd because she had not yet given my my change.

Own it, I thought.

“Um, I am so sorry! That is so embarrassing!”

“What? No worries. Here’s your change!”

…and she turned 5 shades of red before my very eyes. My neck burned and I felt an outbreak of sweat coming on.

Should I offer to wipe it up?

…she solved it for me by saying (very loudly): “Next customer, please!” …which was odd as there was only one other person in the place. …and, then it hit me that this one person had probably witnessed me drool green all over the counter top.

File this under “Awkward Moment 10,334,054” —- I quietly slipped out of the cafe.

I wonder if I’ll gather the nerve to return. However, I shall never eat another jawbreaker!

May 10, 2007. Uncategorized. 18 comments.

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