I love photography. When I try to scan my head for the images by one photographer that ring most deeply within me — many artists names come to mind. But, I think the one photographer who most grabbed my imagination is Mick Rock.
I mean, aside from the real artistry one can see in his “simple” images — he managed to be in the right place at the right time so often. A sort of alchemy. He even manged to create a cool image for Carly Simon! …Not that she isn’t cool, but you know what I mean. The cover to “Come Upstairs” does not match the music one will hear on that disc. Yet, his images of David Bowie, Queen, Blondie and Iggy — all of those images capture the look of the sound that those artists put forward.
If you’re wondering I was looking at my copy of two of books of collected photographs this morning. I felt a yearning to post something about his work.
I spend a great deal of time dithering on to myself about how honest I want to be on my blog and, also, how self-absorbed my writing might seem or even be. But, it is my blog. And, I figure that anyone who might be reading it can always just stop reading if so inclined. I “blog” for me. Of course, one can’t help but think of a possible audience. Still. This blog is my record of me — but it is not a journal in that there are things about myself, my life and those in it which are too personal to publish on the world wide web.
That said, I find it somehow therapeutic to write some of what I am going through down — and, quite often, a reader contacts me with helpful ideas or opinions that give me a sort of strength which was lacking prior to my writing. Self-induced pop psychology.
I’ve been trying to process some rather disturbing information shared with me and my Life Love, Mr. B — by my therapist with back-up support of my previous therapist. The information was overpowering to me. It still is.
I don’t know that I believe it.
Can this really be true?
Can this really be me?
What sort of new world of crazy just fell into my lap?
Shit. This can’t be true?
I think I am still processing the information. Accessing wether or not this is a concept I even believe to exist. Accessing what it really means and, should it be true, does it really apply to me? And, if it is true and does apply to me how do I move forward?
Right now, I am trying to let go of the whole “label” thing. Why must the name of something matter? And, does being labeled something really mean anything other that what it is? A label does not define us. I am gay. …But, in human terms, it is not the most important aspect of who I am. Tho, it most definitely has formed who I am and how I respond to the world — and to the unfairness of the world. …and the absurdity that the country to which I was born is supposedly a place where all people are created equally and have the same opportunities and rights. This is absurd because it simply IS NOT TRUE. No. To have full equal rights and equal opportunity you better hope that you are a white, fully hair headed, male who was lucky enough to be born into money. Oh, and your chances of having the best opportunities will be increased if you are 6 foot or over and gifted at sport. If you are a woman, a person of color, not hetrosexual or of the middle or lower classes — forget it. If you fall into one or more of those categories — your chance at equal rights, opportunities and respect in general are more than cut in half. Welcome to the world — specifically in this case — to the United States of America.
Anyway, I digress. Labels do not define us. And, in my case right now — I’m not sure a name/label for the psychological issues I’m fighting really matter. What matters — I think — is the drive to fight through it. Find a way to first live with and through it and get to a place where it is no longer an issue in my life. …To a place where I can march back into the den of inequality and lack of opportunity vs. just sitting at the beach feeling afraid. Yes. That is what and where I should apply focus.
I’ve an exceptional and caring therapist, a loving husband, loving friends and family — all of whom are pushing and supporting me as I work through this mess. The name of the cause is of no concern. I think. Maybe.
I’ve been told to think of my mind as a file cabinet. An onion analogy was first attempted but I find it more than a little challenging to compare any aspect of my life to a vegetable or fruit. But this concept of my brain as a filing cabinet seems to make a bit of sense to me.
So, for my purposes of processing — the brain is made up of “files” called memories and emotions. When something happens to me it causes an emotion. The problem I have (in its most simple form) is that many of my emotional files are currently mis-filed with certain memories from childhood.
So, let’s say, someone yells at me — my brain should automatically select an appropriate emotion — which is somehow related to one of the memory files but not on a filing conscious level. That emotion is then sent into action in a manner appropriate to the situation. Currently, if someone were to yell at me my mind might scramble to a file filled with the emotion more appropriate to 5 year old and directly tied to something horrible that happened when I was 5 years of age. Because the files have never been sorted correctly — when my brain sends the files into action — the resulting response is not appropriate to my 43 year old situation. The messages are getting received but coming out in a rather fucked way because somewhere in my file cabinet I am still stuck in the 70’s when I was child.
SO – my brain files need to be pulled out, dusted off, re-evaluated and then re-sorted so that the brain can select what is needed and file away the past as just that. …the past. No longer going on, but valid. And, the emotions that I might have needed to express/feel at that time were just too much for a 5 year old filing cabinet to hold. So, the cabinet sorted the files in a way to protect my psyche. Now, years later — that disorganization is causing some very serious and disabling challenges.
It doesn’t matter what my shrink wants to call them. Or if what the issue is called or debated within the psychiatric community. …what matters is how I function and that I get on with my life before I wake up to discover I need a walker to get to the can.
So, taking a deep breath — I am attempting to sort out or through the worrying diagnosis name and just sort out these files in the cabinet I’ve been told is my brain.
It doesn’t really make sense to me yet. I’m still fighting against it. I think. I don’t want to fight against a concept. I really don’t. However, I am struggling not to fight against it. I am struggling to grasp all the meanings and get past a label that horrifies me to the core.
At any rate, I do hope there is sufficient budget to color code my files. I find that much easier when dealing with office work. Perhaps it will also assist in the re-sorting of my life.
i turned 43 today. so, i’ve been trying to figure out what i wanted to do today for me. no ideas. so, i’ve been playing with youtube and came across this. it gave me a smile. Oddly cool and funny. Patti Smith will always rock.
43. oh my god.
You know, I wasn’t really interested in seeing this film. However, the reality of the day led me to the decision that I needed to escape it all for just a little while. So, screw my budget! I went to the movies. I actually quite liked this movie. Spike Jonze just seems to be an incredible filmmaker. You think I would understand that by now. I think I still associate him with all those crazed skateboard antic films he used to (still?) makes. But, his feature film work is really quite impressive.
I’m not a parent, but I kept thinking to myself: “Why is this film rated PG?” …Not that this film would fail to entertain a child, but it deals with some fairly substantial issues in rather direct ways. I don’t think I would want my child to see it unless they were exceptionally mature or at least 12 or 13 years old. In many ways, I felt this movie captured the frustration of being a child in a scary, sometimes brutal adult world — and that child trying to cope it all out. …Very much through the imaginings of a creative adult. I never read the book(s) as a kid. …nor, as an adult.
Anyway, great movie!
And, due to a mistake on my absent minded part, I accidentally I pressed too many buttons on the Amazon.com UK site and ordered the DVD of BRONSON — a British film which is just now opening in US cinemas. This film is about an all together sort of wild thing — and where they are…
BRONSON is a truly unique, visionary and extraordinary film. Tho, based entirely on fact and the life of Britain’s most infamous and “celebrated” prisoner — I believe he is considered the most violent prisoner to ever be held in a British prison — and has been in prison for almost his entire life. He took on the name “Charlie Bronson” after the DEATH WISH American movie star.
What made this film so brilliant is the way the director/writer pursued the telling of Bronson’s story and many wild escapades within the British prison system. The film takes an almost non-linear approach in showing us the man’s life by applying ambiguous small scenes from his life inter-spliced with Bronson either addressing the camera or a make believe audience with back screen projection of actual archival footage of Bronson’s instigated riot at a brutal British mental hospital. The cinematography and editing are amazing — and the director must have made the decision to over saturate all the colors on the screen to great impact. The viewer is left with a totally visceral and surreal experience of a real person who is either trapped by choice or by need in prison. I found myself wanting to know more and felt a bit frustrated after the film ended — but after thinking on it — the director’s choices were brilliant!
Along with HURT LOCKER — I feel this is the best film I’ve seen in 2009. And, if there is to ANY justice — Tom Hardy will walk away with the Oscar for his performance. Perhaps the most memorable I’ve seen since DeNiro played TAXI DRIVER. Remarkable performance! A MUST SEE!!!!
Anyway, these were both interesting and worthy films.
Oh, and this one was quite good, too!
This film is also quite amazing in its own quiet way. Patton Oswald is so well cast in this role. Painfully funny and effective. …And, one doesn’t need to understand sports to enjoy or understand it. Sadly, it took me about 20 minutes into the movie to understand that the character is a fan of a football team. I kept wondering where the basketball court was. I don’t know from sports, but I do know from movies — and this is well worth seeing!
That’s it for now,
love and kisses,