TOSSING PILLOWS AT THERAPISTS & LITTLE BAGEL CAPTURED!
Peaches scares me, but in a really positive sort of way...
Tho I downloaded the new Peaches album when it came out I don’t think I had ever really listened to it until yesterday afternoon. I love it. In fact, I’ve been playing it over and over. I love the way she continues to sound as if she has recorded her work in a Canadian basement somewhere. Most cool. I particularly like “Talk To Me”
Therapy was so fucking difficult yesterday. After I stumbled outside of the therapist’s office I felt as if I had been in a rough-n-tumble fight with myself. I very nearly colided my body into several boys on Castro. I fear I might have looked like a confused gay boy on meth or something. However, I think I was dressed smartly enough. I know I’m no boy. I turn 43 this coming November, but I like to think I will always be ‘the boy’ — tho, that moment fleeted by in about 1993. …when I had hair and most of it fell in front of my left eye. However, I am still the same size! Yay!
Anyway, therapy. Well, it is the way out of the PSTD Flashback Hell I seem to be living. So, pushing forward. I’m quite blessed really. I have a partner whom I love and who loves me, two perfectly crazy pets, a mom who loves me, a cool brother in NYC, some fucking awesome friends, a great therapist — even if she wanted me to throw a pillow at her —, great music at my disposal, cool shoes and it’s an easy walk to the beach. So, things will and ARE coming together. I have faith in that.
Anyway, the whole point of this post is to share a glimpse of my Little Bagel. That is B’s voice you will hear. And, if you look really close, you will see one of my feet at the very end of the clip. It was late and I was wearing only a night shirt. I refused to be captured on the iCamera. But, really, I ask you — what good are clothes at bedtime. Nude is the way to go. Tho, I’m not opposed to jock straps.
Here’s Little Bagel! Let’s hope I do this right! I did mangage to post it to Facebook!
ME AS ROCK STAR MATTY
My mother has been creating some interesting art. Much of it is really quite good and of merit. She is going to be bringing some of it to a couple of galleries for evaluation.
The above is not representative of her work, but it makes me laugh. She has developed the rather “unusual” habit of drawing me as various people or personnas. She explained to me that the above is me as Rock Star. She has also drawn me as a black homeless man, a sort of black Jesus and a black female power executive. I’m not sure why she enjoys drawing me as a person of color, but I rather think it cool.
I stole Rock Star Matty from her.
Thought I would share the wonderment of my rock star self! I feel I look rather dapper in this one.
I LIKE TO CALL IT MY BACKYARD…
Yesterday, my best pal — A — wanted to shoot some pix of the Sutro Baths which are just a short walk from our apartment. B snap’d a few pictures with his newest iPhone. I look so serious/grim in this one shot, but I like the way it is framed. Neither me or A knew he was taking pictures. I hope I don’t look this grim all the time as I am not a grim or overtly serious person.
Really. And, I don’t think I normally look like a priest.
As bad as I look, I really do like the picture.
Oh, and B shot his first vid-clip with his iPhone! I shall attempt to post it here! I like to think of the Sutro Bath Ruins as our backyard.
I love the sound of the ocean crashing into the rocks. Not bad for a camera phone, really. Too bad it was so foggy in the mirco-environment of The Richmond yesterday. It is so very pretty when the sun is out. I’m also bummed that I can’t hear the seals barking.
Let’s see if this works:
A BIT OF LITTLE BAGEL & LOLA 4 YOUR MORNING!
going on about 3 hours sleep, but feeling oddly energetic. however, i don’t have anything to write about at the moment so i thought i would post two pictures of Little Bagel and Lola!
Little Bagel at about midnight this morning!
and
Lola at about the same time!
B took these with the latest version of iPhone. I need to learn to use the video option and then I could post up some tiny vlogs. …mabye. i don’t know. …coffee is calling!
Happy Sunday! And, for those of you fellow queer souls embarking on the Alley Fair adventures — have fun and play safe!
love and kisses,
matty, lola and Little Bagel
KISSING WITH FISTS & THE LIKE…
loving this LP. best tracks are 'kiss with a fist' and 'drumming song'!!!
Normally I do not mind the fog. Actually, I rather like it. The San Francisco bubble/micro-environments keep the pollution and heat out — but, today, I would much prefer to have the sun back. Therapy Day was not as difficult as usual but the therapist always leaves me with so many thoughts to think about. Like, she asked me some specific questions about my childhood. After rambling on and on she made an interesting observation:
“Why do you think that you are able to speak so casually and humorously about events that strike me as so devastatingly horrible?”
Those were not her exact words. I am paraphrasing my therapist. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about that ever since she made the observation. I think “survival” is the easiest answer, but perhaps it runs deeper than that. …Everything seems to run deeper than I expect. But, she is exceptional and I think I am begining to feel myself slip back in from time to time. I think things are getting better. But, she cautioned me that “we” have a lot of work to do. I guess I’m still looking at a couple of years of this sort of self-examination/reflection before the tools one needs to cope with PTSD are going to be useful. Chin up and pushing forward.
Donut Holes. ...my little book.
I gave an online interview with a book website yesterday. They seemed to like what I had to say and it will be published soon. Hmmm… I will put up a link whenever that happens. Interestingly, a critic in France is about to publish a review of my book. B does Google searches for it — and I have as well. After digging thru the Google search engine I have found various websites in the US, Canada, Germany, France and the UK are selling it. When I click on to the link it normally brings one to the Amazon.com US site. It looks like Green Apple ( a cool San Francisco Indie-Bookstore ) will be stocking it soon. And, a couple of other indie stores seem interested. I am dependent upon my mother to work on them. Can’t seem to get up the energy to deal with it myself. Frustrating.
Also, I think I have mixed feelings I had not expected to come up. I think I’m a very open person about my life, self and experiences so it seems odd to me that I feel a bit odd about the book. I’m glad there are a few people who seem to like it and buying it, but something about it is worrying to me. I published it for myself. …And, I think something in me wanted to try and reach people who are going through or who have been through similar horrors as myself. Much like the writings of Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore has done for me. His writing just seems to help me. His latest book is called “So Many Ways to Sleep Badly”
He is a true writer. I think I’m a dabbler. I have all the angst of an artist, but am not one. But, I do hope my book is funny to people. Life is funny. Growing up is awkward and there is so much humor to find in the adventure of it all.
Mattilda's excellent book!
Mattilda lives in San Francisco as well, but I’ve never met him. I just communicate with him via his blog.
I’ve “discovered” some more new music recently:
way cool and addictive smooth electronica-like musis! Get it!
I’ve loved Grizzly Bear for a while, but this new LP is the best thing they have done! I guess it is considered electronica, but it sort of grows away from that genre. The lyrics are excellent and the mood is pitch-perfect. I love “Two Weeks” and “Cheerleader” …Can’t seem to play this LP enough! I suggest you get it as soon as possible.
And…
despite the lame cover art, this LP is rather magical. really. it is.
…I don’t think there is a single lame track on the new Bat for Lashes LP. …but, what was she thinking with that cover? She seems to be a very free sort of artist. Tho, the sound is totally different — she reminds me a bit of Kate Bush. I used to think of Bat for Lashes as a knock off of my cheerished Goldfrapp. …but, this second LP is unique to itself.
Blah, Blah, Blah. I think this might be one of the dullest posts I’ve ever put up. Oh well. I’m enjoying FaceBook. And, the new issue of BUTT is quite a good read!
seems like BUTT is going back to more alt gay porn which is a good thing!
There are actually interviews and things to read and the erotic photos are not so mainstream in the last two issues. There is hope!
A FEW QUESTIONS FOR CARLY SIMON
You know, I met Carly Simon in Boston on Newbury Street back in 1993 (I think it was 1993) — some guy I was “dating” at that time was a real estate person and he was showing her a house on Beacon Hill. He let me meet her before he took she and her husband to see the property on the condition that I agreed to do nothing more than say “hello” — as I recall, I was only allowed to say “hello” — literally. “I will take over if anything else needs to be said and will indicate when you are to leave us.” …I also remember that he did not want me to say “goodbye” — I was just to walk away upon his instruction. Anyway, ever since I’ve been plagued by the feeling that I would never have the chance to ask her the questions I wanted to ask her. So, I figured I would just put my questions on my blog some 16 years ago.
1. Carly, are there still clouds in your coffee?
2. Ms. Simon, are you still tired of being blonde or have you grown comfortable with it?
3. Do I really belong to you? Or, wait, were you singing about someone else? Jeez! I feel all a-flush. I suspect you were singing about James Taylor and not a 10 year old kid. (sigh) Oh well, if you could answer that anyway, I’d greatly appreciate it.
4. Carly, did you realize that this incredibly artistic photograph that served as the cover to your LP was most erotic, mysterious and worrying to a young boy — even tho I was not in a tree and was gay?
5. Were you ever really naive?
6. Did a spy love you or was it Warren Beatty? Oh, wait. You didn’t write that song did you? Or did you? Carly, did you write the theme song for that James Bond movie or just sing it?
7. In 1983, I got into a stoned-infused debate with a member of my high school football team about whether or not that vid-clip for “You Know What to Do” was about a rape or the fantasy of rape. What’s the story with that vid-clip? How did you get it past the MTV censors?
8. Not really a question, but great sex is rather like a house on fire. That was yet another great lyric, Ms. Simon. Just have to let you know my feeling about that particular lyric.
9. Carly, was it your idea to put that killer drum solo at the end of the last song on the “Spy” lp?
10. Carly, no matter what — you always give great album cover! Always! Seriously. How involved are you involved with the LP art? That Mick Rock shot for that one you did in 1981 was awesome too!!!!
11. It’s OK, you can tell me. Was “Jesse” meant to be called “Matty”?…I know what you’re thinking and, yes, I will admit. I am so vain.
12. Why did you sing that song with John Travolta? I just don’t understand why you did that. Please explain and defend that choice?
13. Is that James Taylor you’re hanging on to on the cool cover of “Torch”?
Carly, I understand if you don’t want to answer. That’s OK. I know you’re a private person. However, it would be greatly appreciated if you could. Just type the answers (in full) in the comment section below or give me a call. You know the number.
love and kisses,
matty
DIET COKE & FLASHBACKS
um, that's not 007 by those words. it is me. really. i mean it.
Yesterday, while in therapy, something was explained to me that I never knew. These horrible sensations that have been haunting me in the most unrelentingly manner for almost two years now — and, indeed, for most of my life in far less incapcitating ways — are not “panic attacks” “freaking-out” or “stress” but are actually flashbacks.
I have always associated flashbacks with leftovers from bad acid trips or veterans who end up thinking they are still in battle/war. But, I guess the true definition of a flashback is not as hallucinatory or limited as I had thought.
FLASHBACK defined:
a psychological phenomenon in which an individual has a sudden, usually powerful, re-experiencing of a past experience or elements of a past experience. The term is used particularly when the memory is recalled involuntarily, and/or when it is so intense that the person “relives” the experience, unable to fully recognize it as memory and not something that is happening in “real time”. The medical term for the phenomenon is “hypnagogic regression”.[citation needed]
Flashbacks are not necessarily episodic — that is, the re-experienced memories may not include specific identifying features (such as images and sounds) that were part of the original event or experience. Because there is a strong emotionaltraumatic event. This is especially true for young children who were lacking the cognitive abilities needed to define and characterize the trauma when they experienced it, but who may, nevertheless, relive all of the emotions associated with the traumatic event. In addition, those adult survivors of childhood trauma who have component to memory as well, flashbacks can occur as a rush of feelings, emotions, and/or sensations associated with a solely these emotional memories to draw on, also may experience them in flashbacks.
When they occur involuntarily, flashbacks may be due to a disorder such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (in cases of war-related trauma, physical or sexual abuse trauma)
As always, it made me feel really odd to hear a term like that applied to me. It upset me. I was up all night. Just couldn’t sleep. And, my nicotine patch be damned I think I nearly off’d an entire pack of Marlboros just to make it through to the sunrise. That sucks because this is my fifth week on the patch and I’ve cut back to only 2.5 cigarettes a day.
see? i dyed my hair and eyebrows. this is how i apply my patch.
But, i think it was unavoidable as the cigs kept me from crawly out of my skin. I fell into sleep around 5:30am and woke up at 9am. Odd thing is that I woke up feeling pretty damn good.
I went to the beach, took Little Bagel for a long walk and did some basic errands.
I think, maybe, given some time to digest the information I feel a bit relieved to know that there are real names for what is experienced. And, as “we” continue to work through all this shit in therapy — I will gradually learn tools/techniques that will help me get through these episodes.
The goal of therapy is obvious: To get ME and MY LIFE back. To be able to once again enjoy my life, live it and work again! I keep having to remind myself that it will happen. It will.
…just would be ever so nice if there were a pill or some medical procedure that could remove several years of my childhood from my brain.
Last night I sat in the midst of flashbacks — Actually, I think I was in Flashback City. Anyway, I sat in that sad little city and just wished that all pedophiles, rapists and other evil-doer’s would just evaporate. …in a really painful way!
…And, I was also thinking that I wished cigarettes were good for us, that Diet Coke could act as a major vitamin, that chocolate/sugar conatined 0 calories and that working out was bad for us. And, that vegetables and fruit turned out to be the dangerous stuff.
Well, that is my post for the day. Now, if you will excuse me I think I might go out into the sunny day armed with my Diet Coke and my patch. I hope to leave the flashbacks in the apartment. …Maybe Little Bagel will eat them like she eats everything else. Tho, I doubt it. Little Bagel tends to only eat the objects we value. Like photographs, art and pretty glass lamps.
poor Little Bagel. she was up all night with me. but, this is an older picture.
DARK CORNERS, DENTAL WORRIES, SKINNY-FAT & ODDLY COLORED PUBES…
one of isabelle's new movies which has yet to open in the US! ugh! great poster, tho!
Well, it has been far too long since last I posted a blog entry. Actually, it has been far too long since I’ve last been on the computer. But, now, I attempt to return to some order of a life starting today. At least I hope so! I suppose I should bring anyone who might still be stopping by my site up to speed on the events of my “life” — Let’s see.
To be honest, I have been quite busy. Seems that there has been much time required for me to sit in dark corners focusing on refining my confusion, depression, lack of sleep, nightmares, and general inability to function. Basically, it is time spent huddled in a dark corner quietly weeping while my iPod struggles to not run out of battery power.
Not to say that I’ve been totally consumed by required time in the dark corner. Dear, no! There are other pressing issues that drive me out of my dim little corner. …For a while these were mainly dental worries.
While my incredibly talented brother was visiting I fell prey to horrid dental pain. Thank goodness B found an awesome dentist who basically saved my life. I had to take anti-biotic and was given a pain killer before anything could be done. The pain killer really worked like magic. Unfortunately, it made me more than a little “tipsy’ and I worry that I made a junkie sort of impression on my brother’s way-cool and beautiful girlfriend. They both kept telling me that it was fun to hang with me, but I worry that the lamp shade and toilet plunger incident was a bit too much.
Anyway, the tooth issue was quite bad. Scary infection(s) resulting in the extraction of my two lower front teeth. I looked like the kid with the banjo in DELIVERANCE. …
Sadly, the banjo-pickin’ skills do not come with missing front teeth — just an odd sort of lisp.
Two cool things did result:
1. My dental bridge! Aside from being one of the sweetest people I’ve met with two incredibly cool assistants, she is an absolute artist! My new teeth look better than any of my other teeth and yet she managed to blend them in!
2. Pain killers sort of numbed my general worries for a while and made me realize that all problems in life might be solved if we could all walk around with morphine drips. I could be wrong, but I seriously doubt it.
Of course, there are future dental worries to be addressed later this year. It could be that another tooth might require extraction and I believe I need to have two or three root canals to be re-done and a crown replaced. If it didn’t feel a bit “alien” I would enjoy having my entire tooth selection bridged. Tho, this experience does make me wonder how our elders ever really dealt with dentures. I mean, you don’t realize it — but one does feel with their teeth. Odd, that. Oh, and before you suggest it, implants are not an option for me. Not enough bone or something. …who took my bone?
All my time in the dark corner and essentially no doing much thanks to this hell they call PSTD — I have somehow managed to get to the correct weight. But, I think the lack of activitiy is resulting in the fact that I am skinny-fat. I don’t mind being skinny, but I must draw the line at skinny-fatness. It is odd. I need to find some sort of pulley system that will allow me to work out without falling down. Adding that to my list right now!
Oh, and can I just share something with the world that is really annoying? …And, kids, be prepared it will eventually happen to all of you. Why o why must pubic hair turn to odd shades of gray?!?!!? Isn’t it bad enough that we must suffer gray on our heads and in our beards?!?!? …now the odd gray hairs show up on the toilet privates. Not cool.
And, none of my issues has been helped by the fact that Isabelle Huppert’s films from last year have yet to play in the US! Color me even more annoyed and distressed. However, there is a new Barbra LP coming for end of September! And, I have been enjoying the new Tori Amos LP — even if it isn’t really all that new in style/sound. I still like it. But, please! Let me see Isabelle’s new movies!
i know i am probably one of the gayest men on the planet, but i could just stare at Ms. Huppert for days on end. So cool!
Oh, and regarding my self-published Amazon.com book: odd experience. …even tho, I ‘ve kept a blog for years and have always been upfront about my life — the book brings it to another level. I didn’t expect that. I also did not expect it to sell. I just felt the need to do it. What has happened is that it has sold more than I thought it ever would — tho, not that much mind you.
My worry is that it will sell just enough so that I put my disabilty payments in jeopardy. I really can’t work right now and I have no idea when I will get to the point when I can return to any sort of nomral functional capacity. I’ve a new therapist and it sure appears that I’ve a long way to go. Anyway, the book brought up more than a few things for me. I hadn’t expected that either.
Donut Holes (my book of sticky pieces of fictionalized realities)
I’m just going to roll with it and try not to worry. I figure what with oddly color’d pubic hairs sprouting about I have enough to contend with! Right? Thank you for the affirmation.
Another odd thing about my book is that when I have googled it I have discovered that it is being sold off of websites in the UK, Canada and Germany. …It looks like these sites are somehow linked into Amazon.com. Also, there is this web site devoted to newly published short story collections that wants to review my book on their site. So, why not? …but, what if they really hate it and point out the really stupid “type-O”s that crept into the final print!?!?
Sigh. Once again, I will just roll with it. One really can’t be bothered by this sort of thing when dealing with graying pubes.
Well, I shall close this post as I do want to catch up with the blog world I know and love. Once I do that I will pet Little Bagel and Lola — and, then, return to my dark corner for several hours of uncontrolable weeping and moaning.
love and kisses,
matty
