PICNIC WITH BJORK…

I’ve decided to break my vow of silence. I pray that Bjork will forgive me. I know that B and Ing will. Tho, I suspect Ing might be a bit upset. You see, I think that both Ing and B were having an “off” day — which is why I thought it would be a great day for a picnic!

It was such a gorgeous day in the park. B knew a very secluded place. Ing had her yoga mat but had insisted on wearing her spiffy new corporate PR power suit — heels and all. Imagine our surprise when we saw world famous fashion photographer, Mr. X! And, imagine our total shock when we saw that he was taking pictures of our fave pixie muse, Bjork!!!!

I was ecstatic! B was confused and Ing just wanted to do her yoga stretches. But none of that mattered as Mr. X screamed:

“You fucking gorgeous San Francisco Hipsters! Come! Join us in my photos! They are a celebration of life!”

Me: “We’d be honored!”

B: “Um, Matty, speak for yourself. I’ve got studying to do!”

Ing: “As long as I can keep my heels on and do my yoga stretches I don’t mind.”

Bjork: “Blee Blee da pobble pobble dee la she do!”

(an awkward silence as the four of us try to decide if any of us is meant to respond to the musical genius of the proto-electronic music movement. it is unclear to all of us to whom she has just spoken)

Mr. X: “Pleeeez. Do not move. She might not notice us and I feel this would be for the best.”

me: “um, but she is just standing there waiting for someone to say something.”

B: “Is she looking at one of us or is she looking above my head?”

Ing: “I don’t care. I’m setting up my yoga mat! But, I do think she is looking at Matty.”

(i feel honored!)

me: “Ms. Bjork? Are you speaking to me?’

Bjork: “Walla Walla Ki Dip uuuuur vvvvv la!”

B: “What the fuck?!?!?” — and, with that Bjork jumped from the giant fake mushroom that had been set up for her and landed smack in between me and Ing. With surprising strength, Bjork pulled Ing up by the hair and pulled her close to her! I was already moving in as close to Bjork as I could.

Mr. X: “Pose! Pose! She wants for to take picture!”

B rushed forward and tried to cram himself into Mr. X’s picture! Before any of us really knew what had happened — (snap!!!!!)

Wow! Suddenly our picnic had morphed into an alternative rock moment of biblical proportions! We were striking poses with Bjork!

Mr. X: “No! This is wrong! I need for more shock value! I need magic!”

me: “Wait. Do you mean ‘magik’ or just ordinary ‘magic’?”

B: “For what publication are these being taken!”

me: “Baby, be nice! We’re working with Bjork!”

Bjork: “Ahhhhh! Biiiii Yabba Yabba deeee weedle bee bop do la la!”

At this point, Bjork somehow jumped 30 feet into the air! She twirled about and the sprokets of hair let loose! She landed perfectly on tree stump! Her hair now loose and free!

Ing: “Wow! She looks like an Icelandic Breck Girl!”

me: “She is fabulous!”

B: “You are so gay.”

Ing: “I wonder if she can teach me to do that! Matty, do you know Bjork-Speak?”

(not wanting to appear like I didn’t — I decided to wing it! I jumped up on to the tree stump with Bjork. I did my best twee smile, raised my voice up an octave and sing-song’d a statement in my best Bjork-Speak-Like-Way!)

me: Walla Biiiiyaaa ooop do do be pretty leaf!”

B: “What the fuck?!!?”

Mr. X: “Shhhhh! I think your lover is actually getting thru! I’ve been trying to speak with her for years and the best I’ve ever done was to understand she wanted no restraints!”

(Bjork jumped up and down with the prettiest smile!)

Bjork: “Ya ya ya!!!!”

me: “Ya ya ya!!!!”

(suddenly Bjork tore off her clothing, jumped up about 10 feet and fell back down in the very same place!!! She began to stick out her tongue and sing songs about breaking things and sensuality!)

Mr. X: “Quick! All of you — get in there and dance!”

(never to turn down a chance to dance Ing and I began to do a number of things as close to Bjork as we could be! B seemed confused and annoyed, but stepped up into the frame. Ing looked hot as per ususal! I decided to do what I do best. Yes, I sang ‘You Light Up My Life’ as loud as I could)

Mr. X (to B): “Quickly! Move to the left!”

Bjork: (to B): “Walla Walla ppppppuuuulliiiiii!”

Ing: “I’m a model! I’m a model!”

me (to B): “Baby, I think Bjork wants you to block the view of her ‘Sally’!”

B: “What the fuck?!?!”

SNAP!

Mr. X: “Absolute perfection!”

Bjork: “Yes. Thank you. We greatly appreciate your love and patience.”

…and, then a huge limo drove up as if from out of nowhere. …before we even knew what had happened — Bjork and Mr. X were gone.

Leaving us with but two photos of our picnic with Bjork. All in all, it was just another adventure in Paradise.

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April 2, 2007. Uncategorized.

11 Comments

  1. hot lunch replied:

    i’d like to live in your wonderland, if only for a day. i hope you told bjork to start making music with actual instruments again. no more of this all-vocals crap!

  2. joe replied:

    bjork is fab-u-lous! and you guys all look so good in your photos!! Matty, I think you should be American’s next top model!!! bbbiiii diid bip oos zzzop!

  3. Minge replied:

    How outrageously fabulous! Can I have some of the pills you’re on?

    😉

  4. ing replied:

    Ahh, yes, the picinic with Bjork. I will never forget it, and neither will B. Now if you will excuse me, I have some more yoga to do.

  5. Matt replied:

    This is hilarious. Maybe you should re-name this blog Matt in Wonderland! OMG I’m cracking up…. 🙂

  6. Tim replied:

    But only with your heels on, right Ing?!

    Matty, you crack me up. You see, the way Bjork told the story to me, you and Ing turned her into the Icelandic meat in your SF sandwich, and then stripped the poor waif of all her clothes and possesions while tickling her and making her laugh (which is why she doesn’t look at all perturbed in the second picture), all the while watched by a bemused but nonetheless incriminated 3rd party, who goes only by the moniker ‘B’. When lucid, Ms Bjork believes this not to be his full name. She also asks for her magic rollerboots back.

  7. Daniel replied:

    In her lucid moments, I’m sure that Bjork is grateful for your gracious assistance in her photo shoot.
    I adore Bjork. She’s a true creative gift.

  8. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch! My world is really more confusing than a wonderland. I think it is just San Francisco. You know, I’m not sure how one communicates with Bjork. But, if ever we run into her again I will give her a piece of my mind about that. I had liked the idea, but when I played it === it kind of creep’d me out. Maybe her new CD will be more of an electronic concept!

    Oh, Joe! I love you for thinking I could be America’s Top Model. Personally, I don’t think I’d have a shot as I’m quite old and need to loose some poundage. I think it helps that I’m riding my bike to work but I guess I need to stop with the cookies. Do you really speak “Bjork”?!?!? Color me impressed!!!

  9. matty03 replied:

    Minge, darling — my dolls are your dolls! Do you want the blue or the red? However, I only share the pink ones with Ing.

    Ing! I hope you got plenty of rest and yoga in! Today is the first day of your new job as a Power Publicist! Rock their world, baby!

  10. matty03 replied:

    Matt – Oh! I love the idea of that name, but it’s been this name for so long now I don’t want to change it! Still. I don’t see what’s so funny. Maybe the fact that I failed to mention that in addition to stealing our images (AKA souls) Ms. Bjork also stole my rainbow tube socks, B’s pants and Ing’s way cool heels! Now, that. That. Is not so funny, is it? No. It is tragic and sad.

  11. matty03 replied:

    Tim! You know, Bjork took Ing’s heels! Poor Ing has had to do her joga in those brightly color’d gardening clogs! It is most worrying!

    And, Tim, you can’t believe a work Bjork tells you! Trust me on this. The woman may be a genius, but she is a bit unhinged and not to be trusted. I’m telling you, B was bemused because his pants were gone. Ing and I were too busy being fab and posing to notice that she had taken stuff from us at that time! I think that scary homeless man/boy/girl/woman person stole Bjork’s magic rollerboots. That wasn’t our fault.

    Tim – I wish I had magic roller boots. The ones I’ve ordered from Target.com are probably not magic.

    Daniel – why thank you! Yes, I agree! I think there are only a few truly creative/gifted artists with major label contracts — and she is one. I do, however, suspect she might be a bit crazy. I suspect the same for my beloved Tori.

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