i know that this should be viewed as a major relief and blessing. i get it. i understand.
when my doctors advised me to apply for permanent disability i was devastated. just getting my head around the idea that i might not be able to work again seems so incredibly hard to fathom. but, the evidence of this is all around me and in my head.
true, i might be able to think about returning to “a job” in a couple of years but there is much therapy and ‘healing’ to be done. after each therapy session i feel ill and as if i’ve just worked a 15 hour day and run a marathon.
so, i applied. it was quite difficult to do.
i was warned by everyone that i would likely have to appeal as most all applications are refused by the government. i dreaded that process. and, in the mean time — bills have stacked up, debt to our ears and i’ve sold almost all of my personal possessions just to have some amount of money. i’ve been going without any income for over six months.
so, to those close to me it seemed a major blessing that the government approved my permanent disability with the first application. my payments will start in march.
however, all i feel is that i’ve been further defeated by this PSTD ordeal.
feeling small, a loser, lost and insignificant is only hightened by the fact that i am now officially recognized as “disabled” — degrading and degraded.
sorry, if i whine too much. i’m quite lucky to have survived what i went through and i am quite lucky to have those who love me near and i am quite lucky that the government didn’t send me on a hassle to secure a way to help support myself.
so, i close my eyes.
…and, i try to push forward.
I know it is an important day, but I’ve just sort of been getting lost in this music.
It can be such a pleasure to slip into music…
It was a beautiful day. We walked up the beach and watched Bagel have a blast trying to connect with other dogs and chase the tide. As I walked my dog thru the sand, the dizziness started to set in and I began to feel confused.
…A feeling to which I seem to becoming all too familiar. But, today, in the sunlight holding on to Bagel via her leach I just held on to the idea that this is my reality despite the odd floating/dreaming sensation which seems to swamp up around me.
I began to think to myself that maybe — just maybe — this post traumatic stress disorder horror is just an extension of me now. A sort of “being” that I do not desire but which seems to have spliced into my genetic code. Sort of like being trapped in that silly Ken Russell film — or, more possibly, that lame distortion of the Russell film in the Ah-Ah video clip.
…If only there were a wall into which I could thrash myself to shake this feeling off. But, that is not the case. And, in a few days, I shall no longer be using cigarettes as a crutch to get me thru this feeling.
I simply have to cope.
Maybe if I can find a way to simply stop and attempt to enjoy the insanity of it. I suppose there are a number of people who pay to experience these sensations as trips.
But, I was never one of acid or mushrooms.
“They” tell me these sensations are “normal” and that — given time, therapy and medication — they will pass and I will learn to develop coping skills to work thru them — and, hopefully, be able to return to a more predictably functional state. However, this ability is most likely a ways off.
For now, I simply have to adapt and let these disorienting states wash over me. All, the while it feels like what I’ve known as “life” or “being” has evaporated. Leaving unable to work, deal with standard life issues and alienate me from my friends.
Tonight, I sit looking out at the city lights of the Outer Sunset. Taking in the smoke that sort of makes me feel like I’m really here. I guess I should try to look on this time in my life as an adventure.
But the truth is — this is a nightmare.
…pushing forward. …trying not to look back, but ahead to returning to a state of wellness — and being.
I hope everyone had a happy new year and that 2009 brings us all hope, “change”, peace, health and happiness! 2008 was not such a great year for me. Actually, it was a rather shit year. But, things can only get better!
I was thinking of my fave movies and music of 2008 — thought I would share my faves here. And, yes, I know that a couple are technically not from “2008” but a couple only made it to US cinemas and music stores until 2008. So…
My Fave 3 Movies Seen in 2008:
This was an amazing film on all counts. It blew me down and away.
Guy Maddin’s imagination ran wild and created a new sort of film. …not a documentary, not a mock-u-mentary — more of a meditation on life and the struggle to both the desire to escape and the unexplainable need to stay. Brilliant.
I so hated the poster for this Claude Chabrol film that I almost skipped it. So glad I didn’t. There is so much going on in this film it is hard to explain. Human cruelty and the requirements for survival are explored in a comical, tragic and fascinating way. How does someone of Chabrol’s age stay so clued into modern and current culture without falling into the traps of Woody Allen?!?!
If you ask me, this was a really bad year for film. Much of what has been hailed by the critics is just more or less “ok” — not much was going on of interest in 2008. But, there were some jewels.
My Fave Music of 2008
duh. this release was met with some confusion by many of us of the glitter dusted Goldfrapp’d lovers — but it is about as close to perfect as a gorgeous, lazy day. just float with it. Awesome.
Conor Oberst first solo LP is just what I expected and wanted. Can’t seem to play it enough!
And, now, a tie for third spot:
Roisin Murphy’s OVERPOWERED is just a brilliant dance LP which was released in the UK in 2007 — never really released in the US — but has slowly found it’s way here. I don’t think it has been a hit, but it certainly deserved to be. Sad to me that folks are happy to settle for Madonna and Britney while never noticing this artist. …and, I rather like Madonna and Britney (stop making fun of me!) …but, neither has the talent of funk held by Ms. Murphy! Listen to it!!! Buy it!!!!
…she is close to perfect and so is this LP. I rather like the cover of the LP made smaller. All I Intended to Be is a great recording. …returning to work with her once husband — this is a minor masterpiece.
Happy New Year, kids!
love and kisses,