Well kids, it’s been a very busy week thus far.
Not feeling so creative but jotted down some notes on/off today. It amused me to think of some things I said today. When taken out of context they seem rather odd. But, when I said them — they made sense for the situation.
Here are some highlights:
“Oh, wait! Your leach is tangled up in your skirt and boot!”
“But, it is shaved completely bare?”
“No, I’m trying to determine your width.”
“Don’t bite it!”
“Do you want to go down?”
“Is that hair or a thread?”
“I really think you should wash your hands.”
“I’ll be getting off in just a few minutes.”
And, on my way home the following four songs played when I pressed “shuffle” on my iPod:
1. Heart Attack
3. A Little More Love
4. Twist of Fate
Hey, remember when Travolta and Lily Tomlin did that so-bad-it’s-almost-genius film for Jane Wagner? It was a major flop but was expected to be a major hit. Anyway…
…And, Lily did that nude scene with John — but it was hard to tell who was who because they both had the exact same hair cut? Man! I’d like to see that movie one more time! I saw it with my father when it came out but I can really only remember thinking it funny than John Travolta’s character’s name was “Trip” …odd, that. You know, this cinematic “gem” needs to be on DVD really bad!!!!
…I think we should write our congress representatives. …or maybe Oprah.
Anyway, I’ve always wondered how it would look if I shave all around my head with the #1 blade — just above the ears. And, then, to leave a bit of length on the top with no blending.
So, I did it.
I think I like it. However, I am fighting whether or not to let the gel stick it more or less flat and out or to amp the gel up and spike the top. Both B and the lady cutting it just wanted to pull it into little horn-like spikes. No one looked at me any funnier than they normally look at me.
I started to get B to take a picture, but I can’t decide how I’m going to wear it or if I might not go back tomorrow and have it blended in. I think I’ll not do that, tho. I need to give it more time. And, I think I need more of a Power Gel. You know? Or, maybe I should dye it pink/red/ or pitch black? …if I went with black I could purchase some of that black spray paint and hide my balding spot.
Still, I’m unsure.
1. How horrible and sad must it have been to walk in the shoes of Anna Nicole Smith? I mean how often do you hear of a judge sobbing as he delivers a verdict?!?!? According to the news, the judge was at his rope’s end having to sort thru the details of her life, what was her circumstances, her twisted mother and family, her odd ex-lover, her upset lawyer/lover/friend and the press. The mother wanted her body burried in Texas. I take it her ex lover didn’t want her burried till he secured the legal parental rights of the daughter that has yet to be proved as his and her lawyer/lover wanted her to just be burried by her recently deceased son. Luckily, the judge rulled that Smith would be layed to rest next to her son. Crying as he delivered the verdict he said something to the effect: “…she had to live all of her years under this and I just get a week and a half of it and it’s already flattened me down.” …I should write that this is not a direct quote. I read it in the paper on BART and then something else on line. Just makes me realize that there was so much more horrible there that we never really saw. Sad. Sad. Sad. Judges do not break easily.
2. How fucked up is it when there are million dollar condos going on all around me and I worry if I can make it to pay day. Worse yet, I see kids every day who are having to decide if they should stay in school or go to work because their families are on the verge of being homelesss. Even worse yet, I must walk by 25 homeless people in the span of 30 minutes every morning of my life. Much worse, just think of what the US could have done with the money spent on sending our soldiers to die and kill innocent people and totally destroy a country on the other side of the world. Funding for the poor, children, elderly, cancer/AIDS research and healthcare in general is being cut right and left but the powers that be are still raping to be as wealthy as possible. The difference between the poor and the wealthy is growing fast. How much longer will The Red States and the Republicans continue to give the big “fuck you” to the future of our country, world and universe? Will there be a revolution in my lifetime? Can I join?
3. Is it mean or does Oprah seem sad? I see her on covers of magazines (some of which I believe she publishes) and I sometimes see clips of her on TV. …she looks so tired and sad in the eyes to me. Her smile seems beyond fake. It has the look of a soul tired and depressed. I think we all need to help Oprah. She if bumming me out! Send her some flowers or something!
4. Why is everyone bashing LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE? I don’t get it. I know it is not a piece of cinematic genius, but it is a funny, entertaining and odd-bent story that seems to touch most of us. Why is that so bad? And, I’m sorry. But, that little girl was awesome! In a year filled with stupid movies, this was a smart one! People should stop being so mean to it. Of course I don’t know why it bothers me. I think I am embarassed a movie I liked actually scored an OSCAR nod. …that seldom EVER happens for me. Somehow the OSCAR stuff hurts the film’s cred. For me, anyway. I do not think the OSCARS are all that cool. The last time I really agreed was when they nominated David Lynch for BLUE VELVET. …of course, he didn’t win. I think someone won for directing an old woman getting driven around by that moist-eye’d pussy man who was once so cool in The Electric Company as The Easy Reader. Now, he just annoys me. …And, I’m sorry. But, I found DRIVING MISS DAISY offensive. I wanted to drive her off a cliff with Morgan Freeman! …when he looks up, his eyes will be all moist and a single tear might fall if the music cues it to be so. But, he will not cry. No. He is too proud. He will just tear up. Like a maaaaaaan. Oy! There, I said it! I feel better now.
5. Ok. The ad campaign for PRIDE is all over Oakland and parts of San Francisco. To whom is this film being aimed? It seems so “gay” …and homo-erotic. Do you agree or is it just me. There were a group of “homies” laughing it at one of the Oakland BART stations today. One kid asked the other, “Yo, is Bernie playin’ gay?” Hmmmmm……color me so there.
Yes, dear friends. Today my head was filled with so much information that I had to just sit back, take a deep breath and tell myself that it will all make sense at some point. For now, I shall have to “wing it” …but, as the rain pours and I sit in our living room (which is in dire need of a cleaning) I am reminded of the following:
“…they always hound me,
with one request,
who can satisfy their lustful habits,
I’m not a rabbit!
I need some rest!
sick and tired of love,
I’ve had my fill of love,
from below and above,
tired of being admired,
tired of love uninspired,
let’s face it,
I’ve been with 1000’s of men,
again and again,
they promise the moon,
they always coming and going,
going and coming,
and always too soon!
…just replace the bits about ‘love’ ‘lust’ and ‘men’ with things like ‘procedures’ ‘artist contracts’ ‘systems integration’ ‘requests for things needed yesterday” etc.
my head hurts. it is too full.
but, tomorrow is Friday!!!!! Whoo-hoo!
And, I have no interest in the outcome of the OSCARS. …please don’t take me there.
kisses from GayTown
…by my way-cool pal, Joe over at Icy Blog!!!! I will not tag anyone, tho I would be most curious to see what Hot Lunch, Daniel, Acting Responsible, Kevin, Old Cheeser or Minge would do with this list! But, here goes:
Name a book that you want to share so much that you keep giving away copies:
“The Little Prince” …I feel that the world would be a better place if we all read this book at least twice a year.
Name a piece of music that changed the way you listen to music:
This is an interesting question. This is not really asking me to list my favorite piece(s) of music but the one(s) that have changed the way I listen to music. Hmmmmm… There are four songs that I remember caught me so off-guard when I first heard them that I can still remember where I was and what I was doing when I first heard them. So, I shall list those 4 songs:
“Wuthering Heights” by Kate Bush …odd, magical, romantic, creepy and sweeping. Totally original and 5 steps ahead of the game.
“Rock Lobster” by the B-52’s …Noise with a beat and a twist of Yoko Ono. Is shouldn’t but it totally works and I’ve never heard anything quite like it.
“Pissing In A River” by Patti Smith Group …punker than punk and four times as angry. Hearing this as an 11 year old led me on to the “Horses” LP which was even more so. However, this song remains The One for me when it comes to Patti Smith. I love the idea of relationship evaluation as the review of a blowjob that is just going no where no matter how hard she tries. It is flacid. And she is pissed off …and hurt.
“I Feel Love” by Donna Summer …ultra chic, super cool and something that still sounds like it is so far ahead of the curve you have to remind yourself it came out over 30 years ago.
Name a film you can watch again and again without fatigue:
Once again, I am unable to restrict myself to only one choice. I do love the movies!
1. Ken Russell’s film version of The Who’s TOMMY
2. Robert Altman’s NASHVILLE
3. Robert Altman’s 3 WOMEN
4. Barbra and Kris in A STAR IS BORN (sigh)
5. BELLE DE JOUR (wow)
6. Woody Allen’s MANHATTAN
Name a performer for whom you suspend all disbelief:
Name a work of art you’d like to live with:
…that sculpture which Maude makes Harold feel — and they both seem to almost reach orgasm as they touch it.
Name a punch line that always makes you laugh:
“I stole the TV!” Jerri Blank, opening credits to the last 2 seasons of “Strangers With Candy” …never fails to make me laugh. …Mainly because it is so random and I have no idea what it really has to do with anything. God bless Amy Sedaris!
Kisses from GayTown,
…Well, I know you have all been there-done-that but we each must share our own private life stories. You know? So, like, they told me I had to be there at 8AM. That is, like, so totally stupid but I know how to play the game. Right? So, we hired a private jet — don’t worry! I wasn’t born last week! I had them paint on my name and a pretty little rose with a spike chain wrapped around the stem. It was, like, totally cool.
Anyway, I get there and they are, like,
“I’m sorry but we do not allow personal assistants to join you and we do not allow pets.”
Like, I’m so sure. Whatever. I kissed Sha-Sha goodbye. And then, they were like,
“You can only bring one bag and we will secure it for you. You can’t bring anything into the searching and living spaces.”
Dude! Whatever. I gave them eight of my bags and my wicked cool bag from Japan. I asked Jake and JoJo to take the other twelve back to the compound. It’s all good, right? But, then this lazy eye’d bitch actually tells me as she is leading me down the hall,
“You’ll be sharing a room with two other people. They are still sleeping so you will need to take off those shoes to not disturb them. We suggest that everyone wear the healing clogs you will find by the Re-Birthing Bed.”
Ok. Look. No one told me I was going to have to wear gardening clogs! I mean, I made Rosaria stop wearing those ugly things when she works in front of the house. I mean, she can be naked and in the back of the estate — well, no, Rosaria must cover her body, but you know what I mean. Clogs?!!?!? Gardening clogs?!?!?
But, then — The Final Straw! So, like my cell phone rings. And, you know, it’s no big thing. I left the other three with Marla at the compound. But, this is my private shit. You know? So, it rings. And, of course I answer it. And, of course, it is HIM. Again! And, I just put my foot down. I mean if he wants anymore money he needs to get out there and hustle his ass like he was born to do. Am I right? Oh, yeah. I know! But, the thing that really bit my fine ass was when this bitch goes off on me for answering my phone.
I guess, it isn’t center-appropriate to have a cell phone. And, I was told that it was even worse when it the ring tone was Paris Hilton screaming “Fuck you!” …Personally, I think it is a funny and inspiring sort of ring tone. Whatever. I didn’t even give the bitch ‘tude. I just looked at her dried up old face and she actually had the nerve to take the cell out of my hand.
Yes. Oh, yes she did. She fucking took my phone and had the nerve to actually touch me.
Well, I’m sorry, but that was it. I kicked the clogs at her, I slapped her face and took my phone. I called JoJo and told him to pick me the hell up and take me back to the airport. Whatever! I told the fuckers to just hold my bags and I’d have Sondra pick them up later in the day. Don’t worry, I took my way cool bag with me as I left. Oh, and get this shit! I had to sign a binder full of forms before they would let me out of the gate.
JoJo was great. He gave me a massage as we headed back to the airport.
But, then it happened. I had the guys pull into the drive thru at Taco Bell. I was hungry. I know. I know. But, you know I love my Taco Bell. Anyway, we roll up to the window and they told us they the soda machine was down. Fucking down.
Well, I had no choice. We drove up to one of those tacky salons you see in strip malls. I marched right in, asked for the clippers and shaved my hair off. It looks kind of cool but now there is some sort of intervention shit going down and I’m so over it already. Oh, gotta run girls! I hope I am doing this right. I’m still not up on the 4-1-1 with this text messaging thing.
Air kisses from here!
“You know I really love it when the electricity is out and I can piss in the urinal and my piss mixes with other male piss. I love that.”
“Really? You mean like in an erotic way?”
“Oh! No, dude! No. I just like it. Well, yeah, I guess it is kind of an erotic pleasure.”
“Really? You know, only the electricity is out. The toilets are flushing.”
And, then, yesterday — as I boarded a bus two husky men in their mid to late 30’s started talking to me:
“Man, you are a playa! Look at him! He is such a playa!
“Look at you, my man! In those threads, the way you walk — man, you got confidence! C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-C-E!”
…as the bus shits and grinds down the street they both continue to discuss my “playa-ness” and I began to worry that I’m about to be M-U-G-G-E-D because I am no “playa” and was only wearing a Mister Blister hoodie. But, as I started off the bus they both held out their fist and I touched my fist to theirs.
“Smooth, my man! Smooth!”
Dear Alan: No. You’re not normal. And, that’s a good and cool thing! I’m not normal either. Actually, I am not sure anyone knows what “normal” is anyway. But, be glad you’re not! I do not believe in this silly societally-imposed life milestone plan thing, either. If you’re happy being single — then you just rock on and continue to enjoy it! That is the most important thing! Be happy! So, be single for as long as it works for you! Just a quick note, tho — Remember: What happens in the gay pool hall stays in the gay pool hall. Someone forgot to tell me about that when I was still single and loving it. Boy, if only someone could have told me I could have been spared much embarrassment! Oh, and I’m glad you mentioned cats. Single people should avoid them! Dogs are great, tho! But owning cats is likely to forever curse you to be single. I do believe that is some sort of actual fact. Anyway, Alan, keep your options open. Am glad to hear that you know better than to get a cat!
Dear Matty: Who do I need both of my hands to jerk off? signed, Joe.
Dear Joe: Color me impressed! I guess I’m thinking that sometimes it takes two people to move a large pole and the same theory must factor into your masturbation technique. So, be glad yours takes both your hands to move toward pleasure!!! If you’re growing tired, drop Alan a line!
Dear Matty: Please don’t include my real name or email address. I’ve been involved with this great guy and he has asked me to move in with him. My mother is thrilled. I think she thought her daughter would never find a man. I do love him and want to move in with him but we have always had this one problem. He refuses to go down on me and makes me brush my teeth after I go down on him before he will even kiss me. My best friend tells me that a lot of guys are like this and I’m being stupid about it. What do you think? Signed, Frustrated In A Red State Dear Red State: So, like, this is, like sort of a, like serious question. OK. I’m down with that. I can be real. Right up, I think that sex is VERY important but it is NOT the most important thing. However, that having been written. I would tell this boy to get a grip and return the favor. I don’t understand why someone who loves you and is your lover would fail to do such a great thing — and, not want to do it for the pleasure it would bring. This would make me worry about such future issues as trust, sharing, caring and really being there for you. I wouldn’t move in. But, that is just me. However, that is very easy for me to write. Not so easy if you love this selfish lover man. Hang in there!
Dear Matty: Why are all the good men either taken or gay? Signed, Brookelina.
Dear Brookelina: A trick question!!! Cool! I think I figured out the answer to your riddle! …There aren’t any good men! LOL! …but, seriously, Brookelina, there are a few good men out there. Sadly, they appear to all be either gay or taken. Not sure why. I think it might have to do with global warming. I really do think that Al Gore dude is on to something!
Dear Hate: I’m afraid I don’t know the answer. I don’t know who “Barbara Striesand” is. You might want to check out Barbra Streisand. She is absolute perfection and like buttah! Voice like velvet and, while not ever having fit the traditional view of beautiful she is gorgeous!
Dear Matty: What should I do on Valentine’s Day while everyone else is looking for a place to display all of their flowers & stuff? Should I get a cat to dote on in my old age? Signed Alonefrapp in SF.”
Dear Alonefrapp: Valentine’s Day is a cruel greeting card holiday designed to make us all feel lonely and inadequate. Don’t allow it! Fight back! I suggest that you set up “shop” and drop water filled condoms down on unsuspecting flower holders and various persons out showing off their love from those windows to your fabulous new apartment!!! It would be fun! No cats until you’re Coupledfrapp in SF — owning a cat will only further ensure that you will continue to hate Valentine’s Day! A dog is good pet when one is single! …and, often act as lover magnets if you work it right!
Dear Matty: Does the sentence for manslaughter commute in relation to the number of years married? Signed Curious in London.
Dear Curious: I’m so glad you brought this up. Sadly, no it doesn’t. This is why I suggest hiring hit men to ‘ice’ the respective groom/bride. I am not sure where one would go in the London — however, if one should be living in the greater Boston USA area — a quick drive out to Roxbury and all one has to do is cough up $50 and a bottle of Everclear and you can have just about anyone put down. …not that I would really know. Anyway, I’m sure that there must be a similar place in the UK.
Dear Matty: Sarah Silverman recently said that she thought that when Meatloaf sang that ‘he would do anything for love but he won’t do that’ — that this ‘that’ meant anal sex. What do you think “that” was? Signed Bay Area Hottie.Dear Hottie: Far be it from me to disagree with Ms. Silverman — who happens to be a personal hero of mine. But, I don’t think Meatloaf’s ‘that’ was anal sex. I suspect Meatloaf insists on anal sex. No, I think his ‘that’ is all about commitment. It was 1977 after all.
Dear Matty: Why do I only seem to like married/taken me, men on the rebound, men who cannot have relationship? Genuine, bonafide single men, I seem to loathe them. Signed Callipygian Love in Toronto.
Dear Callipygian Love, This reminds me of that old Marx Bros joke that Woody Allen used to introduce his film ANNIE HALL. …he would never want to join a club that would have him as a member. Try looking for what’s right about a single guy who you find attractive. Oh, if you should find yourself in a gay pool hall — keep your clothes on! Trust me on this one!
Dear Matty: How do I tell these uninteresting single men that I’m not interested in much more than a friendship with them? Signed, Callipygian Love in Toronto.
Dear Callipygian Love: I shall answer your question with a question! Why do you want to even be friends with people who do not interest you? You were not meant to be around the dull!
Dear Matty: Why can’t Dr. Who be sexy and is it possible to exploit zero-point energy? Signed, Callipygian Love in Toronto. Dear Callipygian Love: You sure have a lot of questions. However, they are all quite good! Actually, I did see Dr. Who all sex’d up! It is in a ‘lost’ episode called “Dr. Who Ever, Dr. Who When Ever” …it featured a surprise cameo by Linda Lovelace as The Bride. Petition the BBC now! And, while I am not sure one would want to exploit zero-point energy, I do feel it could use a better publicist.
Dear Matty: Why are you so adorable? Signed Callipygian Love in Toronto.
Dear Callipygian Love: Yes, lots of very important questions! I am not sure. So, I asked a fellow bus passenger this morning if he knew why I was so damned adorable. He told me I was ugly and that my mom dressed me funny. I told him to stop speaking in bad bumper sticker quotes. He then told me to fuck off. I poured my water on him. He tried to bitch slap me. Long story made a bit shorter. We both ended up getting kicked off the bus and having to walk to work.
Dear Matty: How can I stop cracking up at your new ‘do’? And, otherwise, what is it about me that attracts pervs, pigs, egotists, and all other heart-eating theives? Should I change my perfume? Signed Ginab
Dear Ginab: Oh, feel free to laugh! I know I do! It is so upsetting when your hair did is all done wrong! I plan on returning to the salon first chance I get and demanding a new wig, uh, I mean cut! You know I had the exact same problem when I was single. I was a sort of freak magnet. Of course, I tend to hang out in some sketchy places. It took me a while to fully realize that the bus station is not the best place to meet men. Still, I’m a rebel. I live on the edge. In the end, I’m not sure who we attract has all that much to do with us. I blame them. That’s the way I look at it. You’re awesome and I’d bet money you smell great!!! Just be you! And, NEVER settle!
Dear Matty: This is not a valid email address. We ‘dated’ back in 1992 when you lived in Boston. I loved you. But you didn’t seem to want my love. I’ve always wondered why. Back then, when I asked, you told me you were not interested in monogamous relationships. What was the real reason? Signed Please Do Not Print My Name But I Dare You To Print This.Dear Matty: If someone with multiple personality kills themselves, is it murder or suicide? I need to know… Signed Sorted Lives.
Dear Sorted Live(s): I was going to say that it would be murder, but Josepi (the little fellow who lives in my left ear) said it would be suicide. Then, of course, Mary had to put her two cents in! She got all pissy and claimed this would be a mass murder. However, Mary tends to get very over-the-top whenever Josepi offers an idea or opinion. So, I don’t think we should be listening to Mary. Besides, she stole the jar off that shelf. We all know it was her. But, Frank told me that if I didn’t do something about that mess that both I and Noreen would be in a heap of trouble! And, naturally, Miss Hippysyndrome had to join in and she has that screechy voice that makes people on the street stare at us! Then Bob got mad and started yelling at us. And, of course that is never good because Bob makes my head hurt and I get all confused. This time, I ended up in a tiny hospital room with a cut hand. Some nice doctor named JoAnne tried to convince me to imagine I was in a park. I think she wanted me to hug Mary, Josepi and Bob! The nerve!
> AND, THE LAST QUESTION!!!!
Dear Matty: Who is crazier — Courtney Love, Allison Goldfrapp, Bjork or Tori Amos? Signed Diva Lover in Spain
…and, DEAR MATTY is all done!
How did Abby do it!?!??
Well, kids — I saw the new David Lynch movie today. Yes, INLAND EMPIRE is a full 3 hours David Lynch assault to the senses. Did I like it? Yes, I think I did. Actually, I may love it. I need to process it. While I did find it a bit long, I was never bored and I my eyes, ears and mind were stuck to the screen the entire time. This is a film which seems to require multiple viewings. There were more than a few people in the audience who had seen it twice already. Hypnotic, oddly gorgeous, without linear thought/plot, brilliant performance from Laura Dern, horrific, confused, lost and funny — if you like David Lynch you will not want to miss it. I plan on seeing it again with my pals Ing and Alan. I am still trying to figure it all out in my head. What did all those symbols mean? Most importantly, what does it symbolize to have Nastassja Kinski sit on a sofa while Suicide Girl types dance and lip sync to the late/great Nina Simone? I guess she could stand for a lot of things. And, why the Beck song? Word to the wise: if you do see it — stay thru the final credits! I love that the cinema in which I saw the movie was playing selections from the new Tom Waits compilation CD! Quite fitting! Oh! And, regarding my “Dear Matty” experiment! Wow, you kids have problems! I’ve gotten more emails than I expected! I’ve only had to decline 3 from my blog — a few folks came up with questions too profane for even me! …but, I did answer all 3 of those. I just did it offline via email. I hope I don’t get anymore questions involving rubber ducks, duct tape, enemas, tar or Crisco. …The 3 of you know who you are. I’m still in shock, but I hope my insights were of use. Anyway, my goal is to do my Dear Matty post for no later than Tuesday evening! Feel free to keep ’em coming thru to Monday afternoon California, USA time!
Kisses from GayTown,
So, this is an idea that I sort of “borrowed” from the No Milk Please blog I love so much. Ok. Ok. I have stolen the idea, but it makes no nevermind. The problem is I don’t yet know how to create links in wordpress and I’m far to lazy to bother to do so. Anyway, No Milk got his friend to answer pervy questions on blog ala a gay Dear Abby. And, dammit! I want to solve everyone’s problems if I can’t resolve my own!
I asked fellow blogger, the Lovely Meredith, to join me in this experiment. …she could do a Dear Meredith thing. Once again, far too stupid to provide you with a link to her site. Just look at my blog roll!
Anyway, fire ’em away!