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Boy, Interrupted or Notes From The Nut House…

I’m sorry so much time has passed since my last posting. Things didn’t work out as I had planned, but I do believe all will be ok going forward. Things got much worse with my depression and I sort of went off the deep end. I landed in a psychiatric hospital for 3 days. In a matter of 3 days, the experts were able to address all of my woes with a major change in medication and lots of sleep. It was the right place for me to be, but a scary one all the same. I hope I never have to go thru this again.

You know things are bad when you’re sitting in a psych ward comparing yourself to the other patients — thinking to yourself, “OK, I may be bad, but those 3 are really nuts!” …and then all 3 get released while you remain under observation. Ugh! Not a happy space.

Anyway, I was released from the funny farm after 3 days with the understanding that I would need to attend mandatory inpatient psych care for two weeks. I just completed my second of ten days of psych care. Essentially, I am required to sit in on group therapy from 8:30 AM to 2:30 PM during the work week. They also squeeze in an hour’s worth of one-on-one therapy each day. I have to admit that some of it is quite beneficial. I am most impressed with the staff at the Bayridge Psychiatric Hospital. However, by the end of the day, I am completed driained.

One of my doctors confirmed that they will release me to return to work on a half day basis effective for June 11th! …provided I attend all sessions and “we” have no set-backs. I am ready to return to work and get my life back to normal again. I am confident that there will be no set-backs and that I will attend all of these mandatory sessions.

This has been one of the most difficult periods of my life. I will be happy when I can move on and focus on ordinary life again! The stay at the hospital has done a world of good for me —- Karl has told me that I am smiling and laughing again for the first time in several months.

Anyway, that my update for now —- hope to get back to my standard posts soon! — And thanks for all of the sweet emails of support! They’ve meant a lot to me.

May 28, 2003. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

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A Different Nose…

Well, the fog of anesthia has worn away leaving some pain. However, surgery went well —- nose bleeds should be coming to a stop for a while and it looks like the surgeon may have even straightened my nose! The doctor had told me he would not be able to correct the physical appearance of my nose, but it looks like he may have done it for me! Hard to tell as I am still fairly swollen. I see him on Wednesday when he will pull out stitches and two blue pipe things which are running up my nostrils. Not at all comfortable.

I had been warned and advised to delay this surgery as it could make my depression worse. However, I felt that there would never be a better time to just get it done. As it turns out, there is some truth to those warnings. Am stuck in the house for six days and I think the pain meds do not always mix so well with everything else. The night spent after surgery was horrible and rough.

Am still pretty down, but am taking it one step at a time. I will be seeing one of the shrinks on Thursday. My hope is that we will have all the results from the cardio testing so that an anti-depressant can be prescribed for me which will help. Not sure how my anxiety issues are doing because I’ve not had a reason or way to put them to test.

Hmmm… Never intended for my blog page to be medical issues journal. Oh well, that will be changing soon! Am confident that am getting better. Now, I need to start some reconnection with people. Tested the waters a bit this weekend. Peter and Duncan hung out with us on Sunday. It was great to finally see them. I was a bit out of it, but still great to see them. I’ve phone calls and emails to answer. Will try to get that done by the weekend.

May 12, 2003. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

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Cliff Dweller From the Old School…

I’ve always joked that when I hear a Stevie Nicks tune it is as if she is singing just to me — that I totally understand and relate to the siren calls of Rock’s Sultry Temptress. This is a joke. If you’re at all familiar with her work, you know that Stevie’s lyrics tend to be more than a little cryptic. Quite often, it is anyone’s best guess as to what she is singing about. Don’t get me wrong, I love Stevie Nicks — but as a poet — or as she puts it, “a priest of nothing” — she can get a little foggy.

Anyway, the past 6 weeks have been the toughest weeks of my life thus far. There have been dark moments when I wasn’t sure I was going to pull through with my sanity. So, I have relied upon the love of my life partner and the music that comforts me. That music is inclusive of Stevie Nicks.

There is a song on the new Fleetwood Mac CD which, for some reason, I have been playing over and over again in a most obsessive-compulsive way. This is not a great song in terms of pretty or catch melody. There are no pop hooks. There are other songs on the CD which are pop-fun to sing along with — but this one song kept drawing me in. Yesterday, as I was on my way for yet another therapy session I was singing along with this song —- over and over again. I believe I was in the middle of singing along for the 6th time when I suddenly realized why this song touches me.

One of the toughest things about working through this depression and post traumatic stress disorder has been to find ways to get through the pain of it all. Although, “Illume” was written to record her view of the tragic events of 9/11 —- Nicks’ lyrics mean something entirely different to me. I can’t help but think this is a credit to her talents as a songwriter. I mean, it is nice to be able to absorb an artist’s work to your own definition of meaning. So much of what we get from pop stars these days is blatant and empty.

“…I’m alone now
With my thoughts
Of how we could make it
Of how we could get out
What we’ve been through
All of the trauma
The smell of Nag Champra
The Shadow of a stranger
…I cannot pretend
That the heartache falls away
It’s just like a river
It’s never ending”
Stevie Nicks

As my therapist said yesterday, trauma never really goes away. It is up to me to find a way to work and deal with it, but deep inside my soul — it feels never ending. And, I guess it is never ending to a certain extent.

I’ve also been listening to a lot of Barbra Streisand and Ella Fitzgerald music, but that is a post of a different type!

I’ve not been posting much as of late and tomorrow I have surgery to correct the issues with my nose. Fun! …not. Anyway, it may be a little while before I post again as it is my understanding that I will be in a bit of a fog for the next several days.

May 7, 2003. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

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Another Update

It has been a while since I’ve posted to my blog. Things are going ok, but need to get more ok. Am still going thru all of the medical tests. Will be leavng for another one shortly. I’ve been spending entire days at the clinic. So much fun. …not. Am set for surgery to correct my septum this coming Thursday.

Looks like they may release me to return to work by month’s end. Would really like to get back to work. I feel like it would be beneficial to have something for me to focus on other than myself. …myself. Will be glad when I can return to being me.

Sorry for such a dull posting, but I shall be back in the groove soon!

On a happier note —- my pals, Ellen and Chuck, had their baby! I can’t remember if I posted that.

May 2, 2003. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.