UNPEELING THE iONION

The psyche as an onion... At the moment, my life is consumed by confusion, fear and therapy. It’s an old and over-used metaphor, but sometimes one must look at his/her life as onion. In therapy — especially the type of three days a week’s worth which I am in — one must rely upon metaphor to grasp an understanding so that the mind can get a grasp around the core problem. At the core is the key to the way toward integration.

So, I sit with my therapist and think of a conference table at which to negotiate and make peace with parts of myself unknown to me. Fragments of me that have long ago split away from the person I know as myself. We are unpeeling the layers of my life — my onion. Some of the layers I know. Oddly, the most soured/bitter layers I already know. But, other skins are layers that have been long hidden somewhere in my psyche.

Sitting on a beautiful beach this morning with my toes pushing through sand, sun pouring down upon my head, cold ocean breeze messing my hair, cigarette in one hand and a coffee in the other. I watch the waves as the surfers head to catch some magic waves. I begin to think of this onion that is my life and all these layers I’ve never really known that are slowly returning to my memory. Suddenly odd choices I’ve made in my life start to take on a sense I had long since tried to understand.

The sting or stench of the smell can be unbearable as we peel. Bringing tears of regret and fear to my eyes. I do my best to toughen up and get a grip to face the truth that is my life. I am tough. I can roll with the toughest of them and, if required, can usually take them down if they push me against the wall. But, I grow so very weary.

Pull back this layer and I suddenly remember experiences and misadventures that seem so alien that it doesn’t seem possible that these memories are mine. Here is a layer that reveals a long lost trip to New York with a black dude who was into things far twisted from my own interest that I was in way over my head. Another very thin layer and parts of a debauched night spent in a hot apartment in Harlem. Another layer and I discover a trip with a doctor to Fire Island. Is that me auditioning for a career in porn? pornAnother several layers and prostitution reveals itself. $50 for this and that. Closeted lawyers, law students, MIT professor, an old man, a married “straight” doctor from New Hampshire, some sad sack editor and some guy named Julio who gives the smell of meth on his breath. Here is another layer. I’m walking down an alley with some big scary looking guy. I think we’re behind some educational institute annex on Newbury Street. I’m thinking to myself, “Is the money worth it? Is he a cop? Am I going to get killed? Arrested” …As I try to push this slice of skin to the side I find myself wondering if maybe that is what “I” wanted.

As I think about my first physical in San Francisco I remember being so very relieved that I was totally STD free. And, yet I can remember wondering why I was worried about these tests. As I move the bits of onion to a tuberware container for further examination at a later date, I realize that there must have been some “aspect” of “me” urging me to be tested just to be sure I was OK.

She leans forward and tells me we are doing hard work. …unpeeling such a complex onion. She encourages me by letting me know that we are moving forward at a very good pace and she feels quite positive that I will come through this fine. That this is the hardest part of my journey and that it will be quite difficult as we work it all out and try to understand “me” and the things that “me” wants that “I” don’t understand or know. In the meantime, life gets turned upside down for me and my significant other (the most important “aspect” of my life) — I try to get a grip and be tough. I try to find reasons to laugh and smile.

I escape into movies and music quite a bit. I lean on FaceBook and sometimes to find the level of concentration required to read a book — but that can be a stretch. I find it hard and almost impossible to be reliable. …to be on time. …to be in a place where there might be more than one or two people. Some people who are strangers to “me” at the beach seem to know “me” — I go along with it best I can. I pretend and act like I know them. I try to approach it like I’m some private investigator in disguise trying to resolve the unraveling mystery of the onion that is my life. I’m trying so hard, but sometimes I really have to fight not to give it up.

This onion stinks. This life is a hard one. But, then, who ever said it would be easy? Like PE coaches love to tell their students, “Look kid, life isn’t fair. Give me ten.”

…I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly..

Joni Mitchell
One of the greatest musical works of our time is also the most harsh... …I find myself leaning heavily on the likes of Ms. Mitchell, Tori Amos, Barbra Streisand, Tom Waits, Jennifer Warnes and Leonard Cohen lately. Then again, I always have. When you’re feeling down and out who can resist a defiant cover of “Cry Me A River” or Captain Tom Waits invitation to the blues and a drive in an ol’ 55? Let me tell you – no one can.

And, I wait til 3pm to pick up my peeling knife to work closer to the core of Me.

April 7, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

DARK CORNERS, DENTAL WORRIES, SKINNY-FAT & ODDLY COLORED PUBES…

one of isabelle's new movies which has yet to open in the US! ugh! great poster, tho!

one of isabelle's new movies which has yet to open in the US! ugh! great poster, tho!

Well, it has been far too long since last I posted a blog entry. Actually, it has been far too long since I’ve last been on the computer. But, now, I attempt to return to some order of a life starting today. At least I hope so! I suppose I should bring anyone who might still be stopping by my site up to speed on the events of my “life” — Let’s see.

To be honest, I have been quite busy. Seems that there has been much time required for me to sit in dark corners focusing on refining my confusion, depression, lack of sleep, nightmares, and general inability to function. Basically, it is time spent huddled in a dark corner quietly weeping while my iPod struggles to not run out of battery power.

Not to say that I’ve been totally consumed by required time in the dark corner. Dear, no! There are other pressing issues that drive me out of my dim little corner. …For a while these were mainly dental worries.

dental-bridgeWhile my incredibly talented brother was visiting I fell prey to horrid dental pain. Thank goodness B found an awesome dentist who basically saved my life. I had to take anti-biotic and was given a pain killer before anything could be done. The pain killer really worked like magic. Unfortunately, it made me more than a little “tipsy’ and I worry that I made a junkie sort of impression on my brother’s way-cool and beautiful girlfriend. They both kept telling me that it was fun to hang with me, but I worry that the lamp shade and toilet plunger incident was a bit too much.

Anyway, the tooth issue was quite bad.  Scary infection(s) resulting in the extraction of my two lower front teeth. I looked like the kid with the banjo in DELIVERANCE. …deliverance-dueling-banjo-with-hillbilly-close-up-smiling-702353

Sadly, the banjo-pickin’ skills do not come with missing front teeth — just an odd sort of lisp.

Two cool things did result:

1. My dental bridge! Aside from being one of the sweetest people I’ve met with two incredibly cool assistants, she is an absolute artist! My new teeth look better than any of my other teeth and yet she managed to blend them in!

2. Pain killers sort of numbed my general worries for a while and made me realize that all problems in life might be solved if we could all walk around with morphine drips. I could be wrong, but I seriously doubt it.

Of course, there are future dental worries to be addressed later this year. It could be that another tooth might require extraction and I believe I need to have two or three root canals to be re-done and a crown replaced. If it didn’t feel a bit “alien” I would enjoy having my entire tooth selection bridged. Tho, this experience does make me wonder how our elders ever really dealt with dentures. I mean, you don’t realize it — but one does feel with their teeth. Odd, that. Oh, and before you suggest it, implants are not an option for me. Not enough bone or something. …who took my bone?

All my time in the dark corner and essentially no doing much thanks to this hell they call PSTD — I have somehow managed to get to the correct weight. But, I think the lack of activitiy is resulting in the fact that I am skinny-fat. I don’t mind being skinny, but I must draw the line at skinny-fatness. It is odd. I need to find some sort of pulley system that will allow me to work out without falling down. Adding that to my list right now!

Oh, and can I just share something with the world that is really annoying? …And, kids, be prepared it will eventually happen to all of you. Why o why must pubic hair turn to odd shades of gray?!?!!? Isn’t it bad enough that we must suffer gray on our heads and in our beards?!?!? …now the odd gray hairs show up on the toilet privates. Not cool.

And, none of my issues has been helped by the fact that Isabelle Huppert’s films from last year have yet to play in the US! Color me even more annoyed and distressed. However, there is a new Barbra LP coming for end of September! And, I have been enjoying the new Tori Amos LP — even if it isn’t really all that new in style/sound. I still like it. But, please! Let me see Isabelle’s new movies!

i know i am probably one of the gayest men on the planet, but i could just stare at Ms. Huppert for days on end. So cool!

i know i am probably one of the gayest men on the planet, but i could just stare at Ms. Huppert for days on end. So cool!

Oh, and regarding my self-published Amazon.com book:  odd experience.  …even tho, I ‘ve kept a blog for years and have always been upfront about my life — the book brings it to another level.  I didn’t expect that. I also did not expect it to sell. I just felt the need to do it. What has happened is that it has sold more than I thought it ever would — tho, not that much mind you.

My worry is that it will sell just enough so that I put my disabilty payments in jeopardy.  I really can’t work right now and I have no idea when I will get to the point when I can return to any sort of nomral functional capacity. I’ve a new therapist and it sure appears that I’ve a long way to go.  Anyway, the book brought up more than a few things for me. I hadn’t expected that either.

Donut Holes  (my book of sticky pieces of fictionalized realities)

Donut Holes (my book of sticky pieces of fictionalized realities)

I’m just going to roll with it and try not to worry. I figure what with oddly color’d pubic hairs sprouting about I have enough to contend with! Right? Thank you for the affirmation.

Another odd thing about my book is that when I have googled it I have discovered that it is being sold off of websites in the UK, Canada and Germany. …It looks like these sites are somehow linked into Amazon.com. Also, there is this web site devoted to newly published short story collections that wants to review my book on their site. So, why not? …but, what if they really hate it and point out the really stupid “type-O”s that crept into the final print!?!?

Sigh. Once again, I will just roll with it. One really can’t be bothered by this sort of thing when dealing with graying pubes.

Well, I shall close this post as I do want to catch up with the blog world I know and love. Once I do that I will pet Little Bagel and Lola — and, then, return to my dark corner for several hours of uncontrolable weeping and moaning.

love and kisses,

matty

July 6, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 6 comments.