we have two kids — in the form of small shih-tzu and a perfect cat. now, Bagel is our dog. due to circumstances beyond our control she doesn’t get to go out as much as she would like or as much as she should. so, Little Bagel has a pee pad and she is good about using it. the challenge is noticing when Bagel has done her business on the pad because Lola, our cat, thinks it is her job to go to the pee pad and treat it like her litter box. …when that happens Little Bagel makes the mistake that it is time to play and sometimes attempt to eat the pee pad. we are pretty good about catching it in time.

sadly, at some point during thursday, while we were out Little Bagel and Lola did their “Pee Pad Shuffle” act.

by the time i walked into the apartment the pad was in shreds. i cleaned up the mess.

a few hours later i could tell Bagel didn’t feel well. she just wanted to be near me or be held.

this morning Little Bagel took what I can only imagine was a most uncomfortable dump.

now, the interesting thing is that this particular dumpage looked like 4 rather large sized marbles. …and they were quite colorful. streaks of the blue plastic fibers and white/yellow tissue — they really looked like fucked-up marbles.

i almost took a picture, but that seemed to be too out of the limits of taste. so, instead, i decided to share the warmth with lower-case text.

love and kisses,

March 19, 2010. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

‘TIS THE SEASON FOR AN ODD PAIR OF HOLIDAY TREES! of two 'holiday trees' created by matty stanfield

…When one has a cat named Lola who enjoys tossing down items to a tiny dog named Bagel — who then feels the need to eat those items — a traditional tree is simply out of the question. So, this year — with Mr. B’s assistance — I made two flat “trees” which are fully Lola/Bagel proof’d — this is the first tree. I call it The Star of Barbra! …please note the Wild At Heart ornament. …Most proud of that touch!

Star of Streisand Tree Top plus David Lynch's Wild At Heart Ornament!

And, here is the second ‘tree’:

...probably the more artsy of the two trees -- I mean a Goldfrapp ornament!?!?

…please note the way cool Edie and David Bowie ornaments!

Star of Scary Doll Face & Bowie/Edie Sedgwick/Isabelle Huppert Ornaments!

All n all — odd holiday trees — so it is quite fitting for our home. I doubt that there are many trees decorated in this manner and this brings me comfort. However, I suspect it might be a bit worrying for Little Bagel…

...a very sleepy Little Bagel -- this picture was taken at about 5am this morn.

November 29, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 10 comments.


Peaches scares me, but in a really positive sort of way...

Peaches scares me, but in a really positive sort of way...

Tho I downloaded the new Peaches album when it came out I don’t think I had ever really listened to it until yesterday afternoon. I love it. In fact, I’ve been playing it over and over. I love the way she continues to sound as if she has recorded her work in a Canadian basement somewhere. Most cool. I particularly like “Talk To Me”

Therapy was so fucking difficult yesterday. After I stumbled outside of the therapist’s office I felt as if I had been in a rough-n-tumble fight with myself. I very nearly colided my body into several boys on Castro. I fear I might have looked like a confused gay boy on meth or something. However, I think I was dressed smartly enough. I know I’m no boy. I turn 43 this coming November, but I like to think I will always be ‘the boy’ — tho, that moment fleeted by in about 1993. …when I had hair and most of it fell in front of my left eye. However, I am still the same size! Yay!

Anyway, therapy. Well, it is the way out of the PSTD Flashback Hell I seem to be living. So, pushing forward. I’m quite blessed really. I have a partner whom I love and who loves me, two perfectly crazy pets, a mom who loves me, a cool brother in NYC, some fucking awesome friends, a great therapist — even if she wanted me to throw a pillow at her —, great music at my disposal, cool shoes and it’s an easy walk to the beach. So, things will and ARE coming together. I have faith in that.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to share a glimpse of my Little Bagel. That is B’s voice you will hear. And, if you look really close, you will see one of my feet at the very end of the clip. It was late and I was wearing only a night shirt. I refused to be captured on the iCamera. But, really, I ask you — what good are clothes at bedtime. Nude is the way to go. Tho, I’m not opposed to jock straps.

Here’s Little Bagel! Let’s hope I do this right! I did mangage to post it to Facebook!

July 29, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 13 comments.


going on about 3 hours sleep, but feeling oddly energetic. however, i don’t have anything to write about at the moment so i thought i would post two pictures of Little Bagel and Lola!

Little Bagel at about midnight this morning!

Little Bagel at about midnight this morning!


Lola at about the same time!

Lola at about the same time!

B took these with the latest version of iPhone. I need to learn to use the video option and then I could post up some tiny vlogs. …mabye. i don’t know. …coffee is calling!

Happy Sunday! And, for those of you fellow queer souls embarking on the Alley Fair adventures — have fun and play safe!

love and kisses,

matty, lola and Little Bagel

July 26, 2009. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 6 comments.


um, that's not 007 by those words. it is me. really. i mean it.

um, that's not 007 by those words. it is me. really. i mean it.

Yesterday, while in therapy, something was explained to me that I never knew.  These horrible sensations that have been haunting me in the most unrelentingly manner for almost two years now — and, indeed, for most of my life in far less incapcitating ways — are not “panic attacks” “freaking-out” or “stress” but are actually flashbacks.

I have always associated flashbacks with leftovers from bad acid trips or veterans who end up thinking they are still in battle/war. But, I guess the true definition of a flashback is not as hallucinatory or limited as I had thought.

FLASHBACK defined:

a psychological phenomenon in which an individual has a sudden, usually powerful, re-experiencing of a past experience or elements of a past experience. The term is used particularly when the memory is recalled involuntarily, and/or when it is so intense that the person “relives” the experience, unable to fully recognize it as memory and not something that is happening in “real time”. The medical term for the phenomenon is “hypnagogic regression”.[citation needed]

Flashbacks are not necessarily episodic — that is, the re-experienced memories may not include specific identifying features (such as images and sounds) that were part of the original event or experience. Because there is a strong emotionaltraumatic event. This is especially true for young children who were lacking the cognitive abilities needed to define and characterize the trauma when they experienced it, but who may, nevertheless, relive all of the emotions associated with the traumatic event. In addition, those adult survivors of childhood trauma who have component to memory as well, flashbacks can occur as a rush of feelings, emotions, and/or sensations associated with a solely these emotional memories to draw on, also may experience them in flashbacks.

When they occur involuntarily, flashbacks may be due to a disorder such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (in cases of war-related trauma, physical or sexual abuse trauma)

eraserheadAs always, it made me feel really odd to hear a term like that applied to me. It upset me. I was up all night. Just couldn’t sleep. And, my nicotine patch be damned I think I nearly off’d an entire pack of Marlboros just to make it through to the sunrise. That sucks because this is my fifth week on the patch and I’ve cut back to only 2.5 cigarettes a day.

see? i dyed my hair and eyebrows. this is how i apply my patch.

see? i dyed my hair and eyebrows. this is how i apply my patch.

But, i think it was unavoidable as the cigs kept me from crawly out of my skin. I fell into sleep around 5:30am and woke up at 9am. Odd thing is that I woke up feeling pretty damn good.

I went to the beach, took Little Bagel for a long walk and did some basic errands.

I think, maybe, given some time to digest the information I feel a bit relieved to know that there are real names for what is experienced. And, as “we” continue to work through all this shit in therapy — I will gradually learn tools/techniques that will help me get through these episodes.

The goal of therapy is obvious: To get ME and MY LIFE back. To be able to once again enjoy my life, live it and work again! I keep having to remind myself that it will happen. It will.

…just would be ever so nice if there were a pill or some medical procedure that could remove several years of my childhood from my brain.

Last night I sat in the midst of flashbacks — Actually, I think I was in Flashback City.  Anyway, I sat in that sad little city and just wished that all pedophiles, rapists and other evil-doer’s would just evaporate. …in a really painful way!

…And, I was also thinking that I wished cigarettes were good for us, that Diet Coke could act as a major vitamin, that chocolate/sugar conatined 0 calories and that working out was bad for us. And, that vegetables and fruit turned out to be the dangerous stuff.

Well, that is my post for the day. Now, if you will excuse me I think I might go out into the sunny day armed with my Diet Coke and my patch. I hope to leave the flashbacks in the apartment. …Maybe Little Bagel will eat them like she eats everything else.  Tho, I doubt it. Little Bagel tends to only eat the objects we value. Like photographs, art and pretty glass lamps.

poor Little Bagel. she was up all night with me. but, this is an older picture.

poor Little Bagel. she was up all night with me. but, this is an older picture.

July 8, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 12 comments.


Well, Bagel appears to be recovering quite well from her “spaying” spa session. Poor baby. We spent the whole weekend in with her. We opted to not leave her overnight with the vet since they were not going to have anyone on all night duty watching the boarded pets.

Our little princess demands attention! Also, what ever there were — God forbid — a fire! Worse yet, I kept thinking that Bagel would have to need some form of pain medication during the night. And, I was correct on that score!

I don’t think it really fair to cut out someone’s girlie parts, sew her up and leave her in a cage for 12 hours. Just seemed wrong to me.

So, we made a huge bed on the living room floor and waited on Bagel all the weekend long! Turns out Bagel really enjoys being hand fed. Who knew? Seriously, tho. The poor baby was confused, uncomfortable, afraid, jumpy and in need of lots of TLC!

So jumpy was Poor Little Bagel that I had to cancel a scheduled karaoke competition with Ing and Miss S! I phoned them to let them know that I had to cancel. They didn’t seem appropriately upset or bummed-out. I informed them and then they both told me that this last minute cancellation not only ruined their weekend but was threatening to ruin their entire year! I felt really bad. But my singing is known to send Bagel running round in circles — I dare to think what might happen when Ing and Miss S. perform a duet of “Material Girl”!

Anyway, the real trouble for Bagel started yesterday. She was in her cone and started yelping something fierce. It took us a while to figure it out, but it would appear that Bagel is having some major irritation with her diddle — or, vagine in medical terms.

We were afraid to remove her cone for fear that she might paw at her spay incision. And, then it struck us that Poor Little Bagel had not really urinated all day! After much discussion, it was decided that one of us was required to give Bagel a hand.

Yes, I massaged my dog’s vagina.

It was as if I had given her a dog treat direct from God. And, within about a minute of my stopping — she pee’d up a storm on her wee pad!

However, nothing will ever remove the stigma of dirty that I still feel. A few minutes later, she began making a horrible screeching noise and writhing about on the bed we had made her — I am queasy even writing it but Poor Little Bagel was spread eagle and begging for more relief. It took no discussion at that point — off came the cone — and, Poor Little Bagel was free to provide her own form of relief. Not wanting Bagel to be in any danger, pain, discomfort or to become a doggie porn star — I phoned the vet this morning. Seems that a vaginal infection does sometime happen. We are to watch her thru tomorrow and if it hasn’t taken care of it itself we are to bring her in tomorrow afternoon for the vet to take a look and most likely prescribe some form of anti-biotic.

It does seem to be getting better. But, I find that Bagel and I are still a little uncomfortable around each other. I will be so happy when she is back to her bouncy puppy self. She is still crying from time-to-time. I’m not sure if it is from her confusion over her discomfort or the fact that I skidled with her tiny diddle.

I just don’t know. …but, I do love my dog. …Just not in that way.

This is what I was playing — the vinyl version — as I wrote my post of shame.

February 11, 2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 12 comments.

Poor little Bagel. I was just about ready to set out for my off-balance walk for the day and I could not find Bagel. Then I found her. …chewing on a capsule holder of FAST KILL ant poison!!!! Of course, I freaked out. Too off-balance to drive a car right now so I had to pull B out of work. We called Poison Control and the vet — about an hour later and poor Little Bagel was being forced to vomit. We were sent away for an hour so I don’t know if they pumped her stomach or not. However, she was pretty much back to her normal self and we were assured that she would be OK. To further her bad day, we had to give her a bath as she smelled a bit of vomit. But, now she smells really nice, fluffy, clean and quite tired.

Oh, and we are not really quite sure how she found that poison. All we can think is that she somehow found it in B’s work area. So, he has fully puppy-proof’d his space. B tells me that he was made to feel quite guilty when he asked for the poison back as they handed our poor little shih-tzu back to him. But, without it, we get ants. Oakland has loads and loads of ants. I don’t know what we would have done if Bagel had been hurt. It was horrible.

I stayed in the car after we left Bagel with the vet. I was more comfortable calming myself in the luxury of the Element.

…just another day.

And, this is what I was listening to while drafting this post.

January 23, 2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 20 comments.