REJECTED PRESS RELEASE FOLLOWING BATHROOM FALL!


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
MATTY STANFIELD TAKES A FALL IN BATHROOM AND LAYS ON THE FLOOR CONFUSED
2008 – 1 – 31 WEST OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA USA

Currently disabled, confused but disarmingly dreamy former office management executive states that while he is still fucked up and suffering with an ear infection (currently under treatment of HMO doctor) is in good state of physical health following an odd fall in his tiny bathroom.

Mr. Stanfield confirmed he was “OK” to no one in particular Wednesday morning in a statement posted to his blog. Mr. Stanfield has noted that he did discuss the matter at length with Little Bagel, the Stanfield-B pet Shih-Tzu puppy. Bagel had been crying and pawing on the other side of the closed bathroom door after hearing one of her daddies take a tumble.

Stanfield, who prefers to be called by the nickname “Matty” noted that he was getting ready to embark on a ride into the lovely city of San Francisco to meet up with his husband, B, for lunch and then a possible visit to the dollar bins at a cool record store Matty frequents — when he was over come with the need to clean the bathroom sink.

Matty discussed the fact that his desire to clean the bathroom sink rose from an odd constellation of events: Mr. Stanfield woke up too early due to the “beautiful and amazing sunlight which was filing the loft” and felt this might have contributed to the upsetting incident.

Matty has confirmed that he was playing his vinyl copy of Devendra Banhart’s “Cripple Crow” when he decided to cuddle with Bagle on the sofa. Matty suspects he drifted off to sleep at some point mid-cuddle. Following an odd mixture of the normal horrible trauma dreams and an equaling traumatic erotic dream involving his husband, B, and lame comedian/actor Dane Cooke, Matty woke up “with a start!” and got up.

Matty noted that all drugs he takes are prescribed by a psychiatrist of some note.

Matty’s desire to clean the sink started at approximately 9:00 AM USA West Coast time. Matty confirmed that he was quite relieved that he did not allow Bagel to enter the bathroom at the time of the attempted cleaning.

To the best of his recollection, Matty started to feel confused, dizzy, disoriented and light-headed before he even began to clean the sink. Matty remembers trying to hold on to the top of the toilet, but stated that this didn’t seem “to the trick” required. Matty refused to answer any direct questions from Little Bagel, but did state that the next thing he knew he was on the floor looking at the bottom of the bathtub. Matty could hear Bagel crying and clawing at the other side of the door. Matty also made mention of a fallen towel breaking his fall which spared his head from any injury.

Upon getting up, Matty stated that he felt somewhat less normal than his normally very abnormal feeling self of late.

Matty confirmed to Bagel that he did consider phoning B or Ing for a few minutes. Tho, he felt that might be “silly over-kill”

And, after holding Bagel and listening to the comforting strain of Devendra Banhart, he started to feel better. Not quite up to “conquering the world or running a sprint down the street” but Matty confirmed he felt much better.

Before embarking on his BART journey to The City, Matty stated that he did change his clothing as he did not trust the tidiness of the bathroom floor. Matty is looking forward to a Diet Coke and the warm sunlight mingling with the sweetly sea breeze tinged air of the Bay in San Francisco. He could not remember the actual name of the bay but was fairly certain that the cause of this memory lapse and restroom tumble should all be blamed on Dane Cooke.

“In fact,” Matty added “I think all bad things should be blamed on Dane Cooke. When will the madness end!?!?!”

Bagel refused official comment, but seemed optimistic that her Daddy would have a nice day once he got out of the house. It was clear she was most appreciative that Matty had given her a piece of ice with which to lick and play.

Matty did ask that someone inform Dane Cooke that he “just better” stay out of his dreams and stay clear of his B or there will most certainly “be trouble” Bagel seemed to want to add something. At first it was believed that she was concerned that Matty was turning into Britney, Bitch. However, as it turned out, she was most likely worried that Matty would pick up the fallen towel as she was looking forward to taking a nap – or possibly even a wee on it.

END.

…everyone should have a copy of “Cripple Crow” by Devendra Banhart. really. everyone should rush out and buy and or download it at once! …except for Dane Cooke who should just stop it. Matty was heard screaming, “Dane Cooke! Just go away! You’re not wanted here! And, take that Jessica Simpson and her sister as well! Don’t like ’em! Don’t trust either of ’em!” Matty was then see to kick a pole and attempt a conversation with a tree. No one noticed.

January 30, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. 25 comments.