Peaches scares me, but in a really positive sort of way...

Peaches scares me, but in a really positive sort of way...

Tho I downloaded the new Peaches album when it came out I don’t think I had ever really listened to it until yesterday afternoon. I love it. In fact, I’ve been playing it over and over. I love the way she continues to sound as if she has recorded her work in a Canadian basement somewhere. Most cool. I particularly like “Talk To Me”

Therapy was so fucking difficult yesterday. After I stumbled outside of the therapist’s office I felt as if I had been in a rough-n-tumble fight with myself. I very nearly colided my body into several boys on Castro. I fear I might have looked like a confused gay boy on meth or something. However, I think I was dressed smartly enough. I know I’m no boy. I turn 43 this coming November, but I like to think I will always be ‘the boy’ — tho, that moment fleeted by in about 1993. …when I had hair and most of it fell in front of my left eye. However, I am still the same size! Yay!

Anyway, therapy. Well, it is the way out of the PSTD Flashback Hell I seem to be living. So, pushing forward. I’m quite blessed really. I have a partner whom I love and who loves me, two perfectly crazy pets, a mom who loves me, a cool brother in NYC, some fucking awesome friends, a great therapist — even if she wanted me to throw a pillow at her —, great music at my disposal, cool shoes and it’s an easy walk to the beach. So, things will and ARE coming together. I have faith in that.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to share a glimpse of my Little Bagel. That is B’s voice you will hear. And, if you look really close, you will see one of my feet at the very end of the clip. It was late and I was wearing only a night shirt. I refused to be captured on the iCamera. But, really, I ask you — what good are clothes at bedtime. Nude is the way to go. Tho, I’m not opposed to jock straps.

Here’s Little Bagel! Let’s hope I do this right! I did mangage to post it to Facebook!

July 29, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . Uncategorized.


  1. brandnewwoo replied:

    awww how cute is THAT!!!

  2. matty03 replied:

    Alan! Thanks — we rather love her. And, I’m most pleased with my tech-savy ass for getting that little clip up on wordpress and facebook! I think I’m ready for the big time. Silicon Valley, here I come!

  3. The Sagittarian replied:

    What a wee sweetie! Such a cute wee girl, you’re very lucky.

  4. matty03 replied:

    The Sagittarian! Thank you! Yes, we love our babies!

  5. Urspo replied:

    I appreciate you sharing your PTSD experience in your blog. I hope it turns out well viz. the past no longer haunts you it is no more upsetting than thinking about a ballpoint pen.

  6. matty03 replied:

    Urspo! Well, I find it often makes me feel better to simply write out what I’m going thru — it also seems to help me feel somehow less ashamed/embarassed to write down in a fairly public forum.

    It’s interesting — This nightmare I seem to be stuck in. There is the logical side of me that has always viewed what happened to me as a child as a horrible matter of fact that I survived. …but, since about 2003, some sort of child-like emotional and illogical side of me has managed to outweigh the logical. Sometimes I can stand back and just sort of shake my head in frustration. …but, most times, I just feel so lost.

    Right now, this whole thing has literally disabled me from the ability to function.

    These flashbacks seem almost impossible for me to articulate. …The way that they manifest even seems a bit crazy to me.

    So, I’m just doing all I can with the therapist and the shrink to figure it out and find the tools to deal with it so I can get me and my life back.

    This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to work through. Scary stuff.

  7. Susanne replied:

    Dear Matty,

    i follow your blog for a while now (hope that sounds not like a little stalker…) and i like to read it. Bagel is so sweet! My family has a dog too; his name is Frodo, he is a Labrador Retriever. Wish you all the best for your future!

    Greetings from Germany,

    Susanne 🙂

  8. matty03 replied:

    Hi Susanne! No, I’m so flattered you read me! I need to see if you’ve a blog! I love the name Frodo! And labs are such very sweet dogs!

    And, thank you for the well wishes.

    Someday, I hope to see Germany!

    love and kisses,

  9. Anita replied:

    Interesting to read of your treatment on the blog. It has always seemed to me that the good light of day shining on anything is the most healing thing that can happen. So the more communicated; the better. The terrible secret of sexual abuse preserved your young life and other family members lives; but now it serves no purpose and must be regurgitated to leave you in peace. You were such a strong little soul..and so alone in the you are a strong young man and by no means alone. Let it flow outward the best you are able until you are free and it is put into your past life. What a marvelous person you are. God Bless you always and make the sun shine on you! Love Anita

  10. joe replied:

    omg, Bagel is so cute!!!!!!!! Like an Ewok!!!!!!!

    oh, and you’re cute too, Matty. 🙂

    i’m still alive, btw! and thinking of heading out to Palo Alto in Sept. 😉

  11. matty replied:

    Mom — I love you, too. By the way, did you give Little Bagel fleas? I gave her a bath and a flea flew off of her. Most worrying!

    Joe! I’m so glad you’re OK! If you come to P.Alto, you MUST call me! I was just in Toronto but we were there for a funeral and it was just the wrong time to try and meet up. Next time, tho!

  12. Ian replied:

    It’s not too late yet..,

    Get rid of yourselfes and present the world ‘an as is’.


  13. matty replied:

    Ian — Clearly, you are disturbed or cruel. But all the same, seems equally pathetic that you hide so that there is no real email or blog site.

    Please do not post here again.

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