socialsecuritycard47164758_std1i know that this should be viewed as a major relief and blessing. i get it. i understand.

when my doctors advised me to apply for permanent disability i was devastated. just getting my head around the idea that i might not be able to work again seems so incredibly hard to fathom. but, the evidence of this is all around me and in my head.

true, i might be able to think about returning to “a job” in a couple of years but there is much therapy and ‘healing’ to be done. after each therapy session i feel ill and as if i’ve just worked a 15 hour day and run a marathon.

so, i applied. it was quite difficult to do.

i was warned by everyone that i would likely have to appeal as most all applications are refused by the government. i dreaded that process. and, in the mean time — bills have stacked up, debt to our ears and i’ve sold almost all of my personal possessions just to have some amount of money. i’ve been going without any income for over six months.

so, to those close to me it seemed a major blessing that the government approved my permanent disability with the first application. my payments will start in march.

however, all i feel is that i’ve been further defeated by this PSTD ordeal.

feeling small, a loser, lost and insignificant is only hightened by the fact that i am now officially recognized as “disabled” — degrading and degraded.

sorry, if i whine too much. i’m quite lucky to have survived what i went through and i am quite lucky to have those who love me near and i am quite lucky that the government didn’t send me on a hassle to secure a way to help support myself.

so, i close my eyes.

…and, i try to push forward. image004


January 30, 2009. Tags: , , . Uncategorized.


  1. javabear replied:

    Ah, Matty most dear. Congratulations on avoiding too much hassle from the SSA.
    Sending you hugs from across the continent-

  2. Robert replied:

    Baby steps. Most important thing is for Matty to get better. It seems such a rough road, and it is, but you’re doing it!! It’ll be all worthwhile in the end Matty!!


    xo, r

  3. matty03 replied:

    Java and Robert! Thank you for the hugs — can use all I can get! love and kisses from a sunny day, matty

  4. Steve's Rebooted replied:

    Yeah, you’re ever-so fortunate not to have to appeal. I wish you could find another way to look at the whole situation. Hang in there!

  5. pakipoptart replied:

    Hi Matty!

    I’m happy that you continue to move forward. This sounds like another major life adjustment. I know someone who retired who told me it took her at least two years to adjust to that. I know you are a patient person and I bet something good will come from this!

  6. hot-lunch replied:

    you are so not a loser.

    i’m glad u won’t have to deal w/ an extra hurdle of appealing, so congrats on that front!! payments begin in March, that is awesome too…

    hold ur head up high, you deserve to, you’re terrific!!!

  7. joe replied:

    matty, I know saying that’s it’s ok won’t change how you feel about getting labelled. but please know that it hasn’t changed how I feel about you. you’re one of the sweetest guys around, and deserve all the love we can share with you.

    hang in there. there’ll be better days. and those days aren’t so far away. That’s what i keep telling myself too. 🙂 lots of love!!!

  8. The Sagittarian replied:

    Label, schnabel! You’re a sweetie and no mistake. Look where labels have gotten Britney, Bush and Nike!! You soooo deserve the support you are going to get, shame that you need it and it is probably poor recompense for your trauma. but it IS recognition that you’re an ok dude and derve better. Hopefully the payments can help you achieve that. Hugs from the Antipodees.

  9. matty03 replied:

    Steve — Yes! Very lucky I didn’t have to deal with lawyers and a judge. I’m trying to get my head around it. I’ll get there. Just odd to realize that this is all happening to me. Just odd.

    PakiPopTart! I don’t know that I’m very patient. Seems like this has been going on for forever. …but, it could be so much worse — and people who I know are dealing with far worse. So, I just need to get it into perspective. I just don’t seem to be able to “get a grip” on much of anything going on to me these days.

  10. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch! Thank you. I guess all of this can’t be helped. It isn’t my fault. I’ve gotten thru worse — obviously. So, deep air and I am just pushing onward — just slowly and minor pushes for now, tho, it seems.

  11. matty03 replied:

    Joe! I’m sending a you a kiss and a big hug. Thanks. Hope you’re staying warm. I’m hanging in there. Will be ok.

    Sagittarian! LOL! Yes! They have and still have far worse labels to carry. I suspect the financial endorsements must make it a bit easier. Tho, maybe not. …I know one should never make a judgement unless one has walked in the shoes. You know? But, you’re right.

    Thanks to all of you for being so cool and sweet to me. It means a great deal. …It really does.

    love and kisses,

  12. beth88 replied:

    I can totally relate to what you’re saying, having been diagnosed bipolar two and a half years ago.
    All i can say is that it sucks right now, but it does get better. Just because you’re on disability by no means, means that you have to label yourself as strictly “disabled.” It’s just a part of you, not all of you.

    Stumbled across your blog by accident and want to say that it is so refreshing to read. I love how you write. Thank you for opening yourself up like this! Keep it up!

  13. matty03 replied:

    beth88 — Thank you for the comment you left. It is always amazing (tho not new to me) to discover how we can touch each other without even knowing one another. Your comment really filled me with a sense of understanding and connection. I was just in therapy today and discussed what you had written on my blog and how your words had helped me to feel a bit more empowered.

    Thank you so much.

    love and kisses,

  14. Pants replied:

    I’m glad to hear you didn’t have to appeal…I’m sorry that you have been having such a hard time. Perhaps now that you don’t have to worry about the SSA denying you, you’ll be able to start some PTSD healing? Big hugs from Utah, Pants xoxo

  15. matty03 replied:

    Pants! Oh well, it could be a lot worse and we’re all having to deal with something. Sending you a big hug from GayTown!
    love and kisses,

  16. anita replied:

    Hey Mattie, My signal keeps me off-line a lot. Just went back and read back through Christmas. Eggnog made me laugh and so did both pics of Santa.

    Your Lard picture made me laugh too. Being older than dirt I can remember a neighbor giving her children Lard ice cream cones. She twirled wax paper into a cone and put a huge dab of lard in it then dipped it in sugar. I got one too since I was playing at their house (I was about four years old). We licked all the sugar off and along with the sugar we got a lot of lard!

    My how times change. Fried chicken never tastes as good now that we know better than to use lard to fry in–actually, we hardly ever fry anything any more. LOL Maybe we will live longer who knows? I was shocked to notice it is still sold at the Grocers!

    Never ceases to amaze me how your writing is healing for others–hope you notice that too.

    I rejoice in your quickly getting thru the SS hassle. I know your strength and ability to bounce back; these are tough times, but you are not labeled by anyone but by requirements of the SS. What do they know!! Those who treasure you know.

    Try to see yourself thru our eyes when those thoughts come. Surround yourself with our love and support against the negative feelings if possible.

    Love, and all the good thoughts I can surround you with.

  17. matty03 replied:

    Anita, I love you too.

  18. Tim replied:

    Hey Matty, Sorry to hear that you’re suffering. But I hope that this permanent disability allowance thing will give you some stability, and enable you to properly get yourself sorted. And like you acknowledge, ‘permanent’ doesn’t actually have to be permanent. Good luck, and big hugs from London town xo

  19. matty replied:

    Tim! So great to hear from you! Thanks. Sending you a big hug back from GayTown Beach USA.

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