It was a beautiful day. We walked up the beach and watched Bagel have a blast trying to connect with other dogs and chase the tide.  As I walked my dog thru the sand, the dizziness started to set in and I began to feel confused.


…A feeling to which I seem to becoming all too familiar. But, today, in the sunlight holding on to Bagel via her leach I just held on to the idea that this is my reality despite the odd floating/dreaming sensation which seems to swamp up around me.

I began to think to myself that maybe — just maybe — this post traumatic stress disorder horror is just an extension of me now. A sort of “being” that I do not desire but which seems to have spliced into my genetic code. Sort of like being trapped in that silly Ken Russell film — or, more possibly, that lame distortion of the Russell film in the Ah-Ah video clip.


…If only there were a wall into which I could thrash myself to shake this feeling off. But, that is not the case. And, in a few days, I shall no longer be using cigarettes as a crutch to get me thru this feeling.

I simply have to cope.

Maybe if I can find a way to simply stop and attempt to enjoy the insanity of it. I suppose there are a number of people who pay to experience these sensations as trips.

But, I was never one of acid or mushrooms.

“They” tell me these sensations are “normal” and that — given time, therapy and medication — they will pass and I will learn to develop coping skills to work thru them — and, hopefully, be able to return to a more predictably functional state. However, this ability is most likely a ways off.

For now, I simply have to adapt and let these disorienting states wash over me. All, the while it feels like what I’ve known as “life” or “being” has evaporated. Leaving unable to work, deal with standard life issues and alienate me from my friends.

Tonight, I sit looking out at the city lights of the Outer Sunset. Taking in the smoke that sort of makes me feel like I’m really here. I guess I should try to look on this time in my life as an adventure.

But the truth is — this is a nightmare.

…pushing forward. …trying not to look back, but ahead to returning to a state of wellness — and being.

January 11, 2009. Uncategorized.


  1. ginab replied:

    it was at length I’d responded here, but the wordpress didn’t let me know I HAD to include my e-mail address and so poof went all my wisdom.

    Um, I think I wrote and perhaps I’ll write it better now: I am wary of meds. These always made me feel like a lump or sick to my stomach and dizzy and sweaty and anxious. I don’t trust them and I would take experiencing chronic depression over chronic mystery any day.

    By the way, I’ve been ‘diagnosed’ with pto and before that disassociative disorder (personality-something) and before that noted for having a chronic fear of people (I always preferred ‘chronic reluctance toward peeps’ because they’re just lovely all around). What I really believe is in a gesalt approach to therapy that truly at its base resides everything Buddhist. Mainly, the onus resides with us–the onus being what ails us.

    I’m responding here publicly because you posted so publicly.

    What makes that approach so naggingly tough on anyone whose been through anything–fucking damn war; famine; rape; a lone survivor of a crash of any kind–is the wall of stereotypes society has built brick by brick and why? (Gina says ‘because people are so darn nice’). Because as peeps we want to assume another person’s experience, an experience too we don’t want to know ourselves–which explains the height of this ‘wall’ and the true interest in building it in the first place: to keep bad things out.

    Once this wall is torn down and there resides the bare root or the root is beared, there is the onus–the root of our fear (adhereing to a role because, well, we or you or I or s/he were young like a tree that’s young in the winter that’s plunging the midwest right now, it grows leaning).

    What about the famine? The person who survived famine without their children? What’s the fear–maybe it’s having plenty to eat with the irony the famine and age and forth took her out of the game of having a child or maybe it’s the reasonable panic of feeling truly useless at allowing a thing to live. Another tree perhaps.

    What am I getting at? Um, and I do not write one word here without compassion (which is different from the Christian sense of forgiveness or the Catholic atonement and so forth). Once the root is there and when looking at it (the wall is torn down, the pressure is gone really) there’s the role and the fear (and the role the fear plays) and then the post traumatic (the latest jargon); the recognition of the fear and its rooting; well, it’s more buddhist and less the gesalt (books and books about it) to review yourself with light and the courtesy of understanding, but there’s some way of getting there using the gesalt theory that if you’re not able to believe in buddhism to get it.

    Back to that wall, I got to add: the B-faith does not actually believe in victims. And what I mean is, yes a flood comes and experienced a flood and its aftermath. There’s no real onus except you remained. Maybe you remained because you were too poor and there the onus becomes more greatly societal and then there’s that horrible wall that will say in its stereotype led song and stresses: the poor cannot climb because they’re _____. What do I mean? I know i said this better earlier. I know I did.

    Um, the wall of stereotypes that’s so hard to bring down (even its book on how to behave and on reading minds is invisible) IT’S BUILT adhereing to a victim mentality.

    Back to the fear laid bare: no loud noises. Just fear like a bone in the ground.

    point to it.

  2. johnmichael replied:

    I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer. I can just offer my friendship.
    I hope things get better…

  3. hot-lunch replied:

    do u mind if i ask u a bit more about it? was this something u’ve always had or did this just come about in recent years? feel free to not answer. hugs to you matty!

  4. ginab replied:

    “words of wisdom” was a joke! 🙂 compassion is most important, I believe.

  5. matty03 replied:

    Gina! No, I think there are some very valuable words of wisdom in what you wrote. Trying to figure out the best way to deal (and defeat) this thing is so difficult. I’ve always dealt with it one level or another.

    …In youth, it was via the world of “street” drugs. As I entered the adult world I focused more on therapy with mixture of various prescribed drugs — and my own determination to succeed. I threw all my energies into my work/job and my social circle. Some time in 2002/2003 it all sort of caught up with me and my normal methods of dealing failed me. I got derailed, but pulled it together after a hospital stay — which led to a more focused range of meds.

    I got off most of them and my personal life fell apart, then my professional life crumbled and I moved here to start fresh. It worked quite well for a while until about the end of 2007.

    It has never been this bad before. “They” tell me that this is not unusual for men as they enter into their 40’s. I don’t know.

    My therapist is great and she combines a belief in both views — treatment via therapy/development of healthy coping skills and some meds. My shrink seems to think that the meds are the best way. I think, for me, my therapist’s approach is the one that will work.

    But, sometimes the pressures, confusion and frustration of it all seems to much with which to deal — but I hold tight and grit my way thru it.

    How does it go? …this, too, shall pass. I will survive it and come out stronger. But, it sure looks like it is going to take a while. Odd phase of my life. …and one that I never expected — especially when so much in my life is right and great.

    But, the journey of life is not a thing for wimps.


  6. matty03 replied:

    johnmichael — thank you.

  7. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch! I probably answered that in my response to the magical Gina — but, yeah, I’ve been dealing with it since as far back as when the abuse was happening to now. But, I always managed to function — this time my ability to do that has failed me. So, am trying to get back to a way to function (work/socialize/”live”) again. I’ll get there.

    love and kisses,

  8. hot-lunch replied:

    yes you will get there! and i hope this blog is a good tool for you as well in helping you out!

  9. Steve's Rebooted replied:

    Awww, Matty, I’m sorry. IT DOES PASS with time….

  10. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch — I sure hope so! It is getting soooooo very old! …And, yeah, it does seem to help to whine via writing format.

    Steve — That’s what they say. I’m still waiting for it to pass. Passed out in the kitchen last night. ugh!

  11. ginab replied:

    erm…I should say “prescribed” meds always made me feel…just as I said.

    I’m terminally wary of contact and nothing can correct it. No man is big man enough! 😉

    be careful or as the new president said yesterday, “be grateful, humble, and mindful” of yourself in your surroundings. He’s wise. Or, he speaks really well!


  12. mattilda bernstein sycamore replied:

    I can relate, darling.

    Love —

  13. karyn replied:

    Was going to say “Been there, done that” – but realized it’d be more appropriate to say… “Am there, doing that”. No good.

  14. anita replied:

    Have no good answers, but know this from personal experience.

    Think only on these things as much as you can:
    What is good, joyful, kind and decent in your life.
    What is fun, warm and loving in your life.
    Be grateful every morning for those things in your life. Be grateful every night for those things in your life.

    As much as you can when the confusion, fainting or whatever comes, cling as much as you are able to thoughts that are associated with the best of the best in your life.

    Repeat the good things in your life to yourself if you can at this point. If nothing else comes to mind remember the two B’s in your life. One human and one animal who love and value you and your happiness so much.
    Say BB Then smile, say BB and Then laugh say BB and Then rejoice.

    Many experts think we can change the chemical reactions of our bodies and our brains this way. Don’t have a clue if it is true or not. But, it does work for me.

    Smile when you don’t feel like it.

    Be grateful for the good things in your life when you don’t feel so grateful.

    Talk to people when you don’t much feel like talking.

    Move about when you don’t really feel any energy.

    Laugh when you don’t feel like laughing.

    And most of all rest and sleep when you don’t feel like it.

    Be kind to yourself and gentle with yourself about everything. Don’t put yourself down about anything.

    At some point the bad stuff has to move over and give room for the good in your life. The 2 B’s and I hope me and a huge group of friends and family that treasure you.

    I am betting on you sweetie. You are too smart, too good looking, too loving and too loved for these feelings to win.

    Love and hugs and kisses to you.

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