watch out! ing and matty are getting desperate!!!

watch out! ing and matty are getting desperate!!!

oh my god! oh my god! so, for those of you not aware, French & Saunders have been touring (for the very last time as THE light comedy duo) — alas, only in the UK. i am in GayTown, USA and am not able to “do” live events, parties, etc at this time. But, some of their shows have been recorded and are set to be released to DVD in the UK in just a few weeks.

yeah, yeah i know. i, too, have heard something about a “big” election about to happen which could have some sort of “impact” on the world. blah, blah, blah — Kids! Come on!  the pending UK only DVD release of the final French & Saunders Tour is a  BIG DEAL OF GREAT IMPORT!

Let’s get our priorities sorted! OK?

good. glad that is settled.

of course, this all is hitting me at a very bad time. sure, i have two region-free DVD players, but i don’t have any money. seriously. no money. well, that is not entirely true — i have $4.63. …but, i was thinking of trying to get big gulp tomorrow.

as i was sitting under the sink crying into a sponge i came up with a plan! now, understand that i am just writing out loud here — so, excuse if my plan seems just a tad scatter’d. i am quite confident that this plan will work.

desperate times call for desperate measures.

i’m not sure who said that first. tho, i think it might have been andy dick while on a bender. or, maybe it was FDR. nevermind. i don’t know. it is not important. anyway, my plan actually might assist me and my best bud, The Lovely Ing!

Ing has been dealing with a lot of pent up anger. and, i’ve just been dealing with a lot of ghosts who have decided to rampage my personal life. so, my plan will allow Ing a way to vent that anger and me to run from the ghosts of the past — AND SECURE THE FRENCH AND SAUNDERS DVD AND A NEW DRESS FOR ING!

you see, i believe that there are a couple of way-hot dresses Ing has been needing but has not had the cash to fill that need.

now, my first thought — as i have lost most of my weight and am in sort of ok shape (physically, that is) was prostitution. for reasons that escape us, Ing and me are often mistaken for whores. i don’t know. i don’t see the big deal for us to hang out on that corner in little clothing (sometimes we get hot) and our smokes. my point is that we have gotten a number of uninvited invitations. it is not our fault! and, Ing can’t help that she has cleavage to die for and a swing that seems to make str8 boys fall out in awe. and, i certainly can’t help the sheer awesome-ness of my second-hand shoes! i guess what i’m trying to write it that we can’t help that we might appear to be sex workers! it is our natural charm.

(Ing still hasn’t forgiven me for refusing to let her into that limo when the dude waved that $100 bill at her. how did i know that the dude was Bonnie Prince Billy. i didn’t know.)

…and, Ing, i just want to take this opportunity to tell you that i’m sorry i made you miss the chance to turn a trick out of Prince Billy. i didn’t know. let me stress, i really didn’t know. i mistook him for a plastered sailor who stole a car! sorry!

but, the bottomline problem with this plan is that neither of us would be good at that sort of thing. we are both quite pure. really. almost as pure as ivory soap. …or, at least Sauve shampoo.

plus, B would really get mad at me and i’m farily sure that A and Gina would be furious with us both.

so, i was thinking — i need $21 and Ing needs about $300. we need $321.00.

i have not yet had a chance to discuss the plan with Ing, but i am almost certain she will be up for it!

yes, Ing and I are going to knock over a 7-11. i mean, Ing can totally pull off a sexy faye dunaway turn and will have loads of fun tormenting the clerk(s) and the ghosts will supply me with the required adrenaline (i don’t know how to spell that word) to grab the cash. yes, we have the potential to be the Bonnie and Clyde for the 21st century! …only more glam and less issues because i’m gay and she is str8!

now, i suppose that there is the outside chance that we could get caught and that B and A will have to come bail us out. …boy, will they would be so very pissed at us. …a sort of Lucy and Ethyl moment from Hell. i’m not sure if B or A would be Ricky. there is no fred in this scenario unless that scary guy who tries to get Ing to smoke weed as she jogs thru the panhandle. (but, Ing would be Lucy. I’m always the Ethyl. …sad fact of life, but on the good side of things — in other adventures i am ALWAYS the Rhoda to Ing’s Mary)

so, i figure the best thing to do to avoid any possible problems with B and A would be to knock over an Apple Store. B loves all things Apple and has been caressing some of their new products in a most worrying and borderline inappropriate ways. and, A is a gifted photographer. i know he would enjoy one of those big apple programs to assist with the processing of his art.

also, Apple and 7-11 are wealthy giants. they will not miss a thing and we can become local Bay Area Heroes.

however, i guess we could just get it all from Apple. surely they must have $320 in their cash register not to mention the bribe gifts for B and A.

anyway, with these gifts for B and A — our life of new found crime will go over much better! i’m sure Ing can think of some way to buy off Gina’s scorn!

yes, OUR plan. …because i am certain that Ing will support me in this. i mean, she has been dying to wear that beret!

and, then. ….then — i can order The French and Saunders DVD, Ing gets her sexy dresses, A & B can get some cool new hi-tech equipment and Gina will most certainly get something cool.

of course, we will need to take if we should enjoy a break and sit outside taking in the San Francisco sun just as Gavin Newsome’s mob squad attempts to riddle us with bullets.

Ing and I don’t mind “the blaZe of glory” part, but i don’t think either of us wants to “go out” on any terms. safe to say we would like to avoid that tragic ending example by Warren and Faye!

but, i do think this plan could work. i wonder what music Ing will want to play as we drive about town to knock over these capitalistic whore corporate stores? …i hope it it is something by L7, but one never knows with Ing.

maybe i should consult with her. naw, i’ll just lay out my plan and she will take charge from there. i hope she won’t mind if we use her car. i don’t think A will let me use the Element. …tho, i suspect we should not tell anyone of our plan.

tho, i am writing out loud on my blog and that might not be the best of ideas — oh. oops. well, no one will take notice anyway. i don’t think the FBI is tracking Ing anymore since she returned those files.

oh, shit. what will i do if the BBC ever releases the Julia Davis TV film of FEAR OF FANNY!?!? i am so dying to see that!!!!!well, one DVD release at a time. right?

i’m a little stump’d and feeling more than a little tired from my planning. i think i will climb back into the kitchen cabinet for a while.

love and kisses,


October 29, 2008. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized.


  1. Steve Rebooted replied:

    Just walk Bagel around the Tenderloin everyday and you’ll certainly be a successful prostitute. For that advice, I expect a pimping fee….

  2. ing replied:

    Bagel is NO HELP – she makes too many suggestions & complicates the process.

    Matty, I think this is a very good idea, but I think it would all go more smoothly if A would let us use his sexy car with the leather interior. I don’t think the word “Hyundai” belongs in this glamorous adventure. Unless B will allow us to push the button on the dash of his Element that makes it fly. . .

  3. ing replied:

    p.s. Did you get that link I sent you? You can watch Fear of Fanny on youtube, and it’s really good!

  4. matty03 replied:

    Steve – well, aside from upsetting B, the other problem is that Little Bagel gives it away for free. Sort of like a really, sweet, ball of fur with no interest in commerce.

  5. matty03 replied:

    Ing! yes, i agree. Little Bagel would be like our estelle parsons in this plan. would most definitely send the bullets after us! i already thought of the flying button, but it appears that B has concealed it using a combined method of wielding and super glue! dashed again!

    …and, no! i have not received that link! the whole movie is on YouTube?!?!? Send it again! Please! I will be unable to assist in our big plan until I see it!

  6. ing replied:

    You have to watch it in eight parts, but all eight of them are posted in clairefaerie’s library. . .

    Arg, I’m ravenous! Hungry, Matty, HUNGRY! Like the wolf!

  7. ing replied:

    p.s. You are NOT Rhoda! We are BOTH Maries!!!!

  8. Old Cheeser replied:

    Hilarious!! I think you should go do it, Matty (the robbery that is). Such a pity you can’t make it to the UK to see F&S for real, and of course it would be an ideal opportunity to meet up! A shame this is their final tour, I had no idea.

    Let me know how the wobbery goes. “Knocking over” a 7-11 sounds strange though! How can one physically topple a building that is secured in the ground?


  9. Walter Briski, Jr. replied:

    i think you could easily play Doris Washington, Wadsworth, Wellington, Wilmington…
    think about the ca$h.
    never mind about the guy.
    after you are done, and you have the money you worked so hard for, flash his pants down the toilet and just run away.

  10. karyn replied:

    God, Matty, I adore you. And this post had me howling with laughter at an obscene hour when there is not much to laugh about…so thank you for that!

    I’m not much of a financially savvy whiz-kid or a criminal mastermind…but I suggest Paper Planes by M.I.A.. Or Southside by Moby.

    Those are probably not cool enough for you but I suggest them with all due affection. ❤

  11. joe replied:

    Oh, I am so disappointed in you. DO U NOT HAVE THE FEAR OF GOD? <— note that I type in typical crazed religious right style… WHAT WUD JESUS DO? SURELY, AS I AM SURE THAT GOD SPEAKS TO ME (and the smoking lady in suite 602, who talks like she’s got Linda Blair stuck in her throat), JESUS would know that people who shop at Apple use their credit cards. They couldn’t possibly have $321 in their cash registers. Actually, they don’t have cash registers!!

    I think you guys should reconsider whoredom. And okay, I’ll make an exception and pimp you guys from out of the country. I know a few congressmen and senators who might have wide stances and vote for Mr. McCain and Ms. Palin, who need some extra help. 🙂

    Love you Matty! hehehe

  12. Robert replied:

    A happy happy early birthday wish to you Matty!!! Before I forget and cuz I often do! Hope you’re having a great day today and for the rest of your birthday week!!

  13. Walter Briski, Jr. replied:

    happy birthday, matty…

  14. ing replied:

    Happy Birthday, Matty!!!!

  15. matty replied:

    Hey Kids! Thank you so much for the well wishes and comments! I’ve really sucked at keeping up with the blog world and Internet in general. …Trying to get my shit together, so to speak.

    Anyway, I DID secure my copy of the final performance of French & Saunders and it is amazing!! I loved every second of it. Tho, I must admit I was rather sad at the close of the show — because I do think they are calling it a day as a comic team. …the end of a great era for comedy. But, they went out with a bang!

    Ing and I did not move forward with my plan as I was able to raise the funds legally. Tho, poor Ing still does not have that expensive dress. So, one never knows!

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