things are odd right now.

i guess that things have been ‘odd’ for a while now.

i haven’t been able to sleep well for over a year now. given enough pills i might be able to drift off for a few hours without the sort of nightmares that want to drag you into insanity. usually, tho, i manage to fall into a light sleep.

i wake up. sit by the window and hold either Little Bagel or Lola. …or, i might look at a dvd. …then, when the sun starts to rise i can slip back into a bed and fall into a semi-restful sleep.

mostly, i catch my real sleep in what i would call ‘cat naps’ — on the bus, on the beach, on the sofa or lying on our bed — when i finally am able to surrender and fear gives way to rest.

‘they’ tell me this is all normal. ‘they’ tell me it will pass. i hold on to that and the love of my man. …and, the love of my friends.

yesterday morning at about 2am i decided to stay in bed.

i rested my left leg over the right one of B and began to read a book by a very talented person i know. as i read i found myself thinking:

“so, he flew away in a saucer? why did he say that to the owl? and, why did the owl respond to him as if she were a fox?”

and, then it struck me that i was somewhere between sleep and awake. i couldn’t quite be sure so i blinked my eyes a couple of times. there was nothing about the narrator flying in saucers or speaking with owls who act like foxes.

i closed the book and fell into a sleep filled with ice and fire.

but, it is all ‘normal’ and i hold on. next week i have the humilation waiting for me to sit across the table from a social security worker to discuss a formal application for disability. judged, maybe? but, it is ‘normal’.

‘they’ say i might not be able to work. and, if i should be able to work it will be at least a year away.


but, i hear the music of love in my life and that is really all that matters. if there is love, there is hope. and, in hope there is strength. and it is with strength one faces judgement.

…and sleep.

October 4, 2008. Uncategorized.


  1. The Sagittarian replied:

    One day at a time, sport! You’re doing fine. It is weird when you think you’re awake but then reaslise you must be alseep…have had that myslef before now and when I realise that I suddenly feel wide awake!

  2. joe replied:

    to sleep, perchance to dream. to wake, surely to breathe. you are in my thoughts and prayer. I hope your dreams, asleep or awake, are beautiful and lift you up.

  3. Steve Rebooted replied:

    Be sure to mention the flying saucer, owl, and fox when visiting that worker. Just randomly throw it in. It may be what it takes to get that disability 😛 I’ve always got you in my thoughts. PTSD does lessen over time. Keep that in mind and remain hopeful.


  4. ing replied:

    I hope all your dreams become happy dreams, or harmless dreams. (All dreams are harmless, you know. . .)

  5. hot-lunch replied:

    hey there! i have faith, it will happen!! wishing you the sweetest of dreams and lullabies!

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