Sometimes I feel like I’m chasing my way down this tunnel to say in a bit of the light that I think I see waiting at the end of it. Yesterday, for a while, I completely lost the sight of light at the end. It was rough. Actually, it was horrible. The absolute worst for me is to just cry. So as I sat in the car coming back from an important but difficult therapy session I leaned my head out of the window and let it happen. I fell apart for the third time that day. And, I remained in a sort of haze for the rest of the night.

And, somehow the fact that I was able to get back into my size 30 jeans this morning didn’t really even lift my spirits. But, then I noticed that little heart of mine sitting on the end table and I felt some relief.

Letting in the air as deep as I can get it, I continue to push forward. Trying to get me back. It is not easy to stay this course, but I will do it. It is just so fucking hard.

July 16, 2008. Uncategorized.


  1. Walter Briski, Jr. replied:

    love is all around you.

  2. Krafty Bitch replied:

    you are loved by the whole cosmos

  3. ing replied:

    It’s enough just to bear with it sometimes. Sometimes it’s an amazing achievement, to get by.

  4. Pants replied:

    When I’m in the middle of “it” I get really freaked out…being really, REALLY, fucking-out-of-my-mind depressed makes me worry that I’ll never find my way back to the light. Sending love your way from the icky red state. xoxo

  5. matty03 replied:

    Thanks! Yeah, I’m getting there. Slowly. Seeming to be very slowly, but get there I shall! Pushing forward!

    love and kisses,

  6. javabear replied:

    Congratulations on getting back into the size 30s!
    I like the heart.
    Good work, Matty. You’re doing great just holding on, pushing forward no matter how slow it goes.
    Love and hugs, darlin’

  7. The Sagittarian replied:

    Such a wonderful blue heart! What’s it made of, painted stone or something else? It seems strong whatever it is made of, and you will be too buddy! As we say here, Kia Kaha (be strong/have strength)

  8. karyn replied:

    I hear you – I understand – I just wish I could be more helpful to you.

    Hugs from the coast…



  9. anita replied:

    Hello Sweetie,
    I had trouble getting my new server to access your blog. But today out of the Blue (heart?) I was able to do it! Hooray.

    As some country western type sang; They shuffle and they deal life again! Aha! And, what I love about you is you are jumping over the barriers and starting anew once again. You go brave heart!!

    I am cheering you on and here for you when you need to come and relax from the fray. Congrats on the size 30’s. Don’t do it too fast honey–take a little time with the weight loss so the body can adjust.
    LOve,LOve, LOVE,

  10. Miss S. replied:

    Something in the air or about the time? Planets strangely aligned? It’s been a tough week…epoch…something…wrong word.

    You’re in the thick of it, but you’re sweet, sweet, sweet and tough as nails, and I know in my heart that one day you’ll look back on this and find yourself bursting with the joy of having made it through.

  11. Steve Rebooted replied:

    It can be hard. But take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. Not only do you have your man and the ever-adorable, Bagel; but you have all your blog fans….

  12. Kris replied:

    Just take your time! You’ll come out of it a better person. It sucks when life can be f&#cking too difficult, but that’s life for ya, really can’t ask for its opposite.. Hugs*

  13. hot lunch replied:

    Skinny jeans!!!

    Thank you for being so honest and frank in your posts and sharing this bit with us.

  14. Ginab replied:

    is your heart still on the sil?

    no…no way. Chipper to dawn, are you there?

    Dawn to Chipper, eye.

    Chipper to dawn then, over and out!



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