MEMO TO MS. STREISAND

I’ve done this before, but that six circles thing didn’t same to work and my memo must have failed to reach Barbra because she has failed to put into my action items into play. So, I feel duty bound to attempt to provide professional guidance to Barbra one more time! I mean, we all know that I give only the finest of advice on any matter imaginable! And, as I’ve loved the work of Barbra since I was four years old, I feel that I am of particular value in this regard. Barbra, can you hear me?

First of all, Barbra, we all know you don’t like to work. No problem! My suggestions are actually quite simple. Actually, I am recommending that you just get back to the basics! A new studio recording is really needed. However, it should not be full of lush orchestrations and perfection. No, this recording just be as follows:

Just you, a piano and a bass player. All you need do is select the songs and hire a producer other than yourself or Jay Landers — not that you both don’t do gorgeous work, but let’s have a change! I really think that Tommy LiPuma would be an ideal choice! As for the songs — select classic standards, but let the music guide you more toward jazz and emotion vs. easy listening/MOR. Set aside five days, sit down and just sing!

I would love to hear you and two competent musicians do a new re-freshed cover of “With One More Look” — and, really, you never recorded that song in full! I also think you could add a great deal of sparkle to “Wicked Little Town” from that Hedwig movie you probably heard about.

And, I still feel it would be a bit of heaven to hear your voice mingle with that of Anthony (of Anthony and the Johnsons)! He has written some lovely songs. Babs! This could be your chance to claim a whole new generation of listeners and re-appreciation of those of us who love you! And, there is still a trunk full of Harold Arlen songs just waiting for you to bring them back!

But, of course, there is the concern of your image. Barbra, I have to just say it: “Get over it!” …the 70’s are gone and so are your days of baring your ass, legs and shoulders. It isn’t cute anymore. Think simple.

This look no longer works. It is tired and there are drag queens who now look more like you than you do. Let the buttah thing go. Trust me on this one, but for God’s sake — keep the nails!!!

This look really worked quite well — and, it sort of returns you to your biggest commercial look of the 70’s. …but, retaining the dignity of your age! And, let’s face it: both looks are thanks to wig’ing. No big deal. Just work it.

For the artwork, find a photographer with whom you’ve not yet worked and just trust him or her to capture you. I’ve a very talented friend who happens to be a kick-ass photographer! His name is Walter Briski, Jr. …Google him and see his stuff. Anyway, don’t worry with promotion — just let Sony deal with that. I think a good title for the LP would be “Simply Barbra!” …Yes, go with that!

As for film work, well just say no to some lame Little Fockers movie! Just say no! Woody Allen is said to have been trying to work with you for years. Now just might be the right time! The comic pairing of you could be great! Or, George Segal! Think ‘edgy’ but that doesn’t mean insipid bathroom humor – it means playing funny. …think THE OWL AND THE PUSSYCAT for the 21st Century. Play your age! And, don’t direct it. Just play a part.

…You can still keep up with your computer fun, gardening and eating.

Well, I certainly hope you were taking notes!

Thanks,
Matty

PS Please do not contact me directly because I’m simply far too busy and that would just kill me anyway!

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May 22, 2008. Tags: . Uncategorized.

14 Comments

  1. javabear replied:

    Wonderful advice, Matty. You obviously have a classic sense of style. That bare butt worked really well for her then, but it isn’t a good look for her today. I do, however, love that extensive broad beaded necklace she’s wearing over her bare shoulders. Not necessarily the shoulders, but the necklace is fab.

  2. Steve Rebooted replied:

    You’re so noble, providing astute advice to a Diva. Let’s hope she listens this time.

  3. Walter J. Briski, Jr. replied:

    really, matty…
    if she does not listen to you…
    i give up.
    how do you think we should photograph her?
    she has done tons of photos on the beach…
    but i think pictures on the beach could still work well, because of the bounced light and because it is golden, at the end of the day…
    but really, i would be happy to shoot her anyway she wants.
    as long as it is tasteful and it can be done outside.
    with natural light.

    x

  4. The Sagittarian replied:

    I agree, fab necklace! Maybe Bagel could give her some advice on how to be photographed?

  5. matty03 replied:

    Java! Yeah, that is a gorgeous necklace! I think I should be a consultant to Barbra’s fashion consultant! She needs my help!

  6. matty03 replied:

    Steve – You know, I’ve always seen myself as a noble visionary destined to provide advice to my icons of choice. …if only they felt the same way!

    Walter! Oh, yes! I think the beach would be fantastic! And, of course — whatever Babs wants she can have! I just hope she will cover her shoulders and reconsider her wig choices!

    The Sagittarian! Yes, Barbra knows her jewelry! I don’t know about Bagel being involved with the photo shoot. She would most likely want a lot of tennis balls and string. …and, what looks cute on/for my puppy would probably not suit Ms. Streisand — but, who knows?

    …Bagel is not always very lady-like. …I blame her Aunt Ing!

  7. Old Cheeser replied:

    Very wise advice to a divaaaa Matty! I agree, some of Babs’ more recent productions have tended to swamp her singing style. I remember a version of “Somewhere” she did not so long ago, and whilst her voice was perfectly decent the overblown production just…well, overdid it! So yes, I think a “Babs goes back to basics” albums would be a very good move.

    On the other hand…

    Do you remember rapping on one of your posts (in fact I’m sure that was when I first made your acquaintance!!) about Babs going for a “Ghetto Barbra” style?! Hanging with da hood in a velour tracksuit and lots of bling bling jewellery! And with that high volume perm she’d look just perfect!! I can just see her doing a gangsta version of “Evergreen” or “Woman In Love”. Okay so this woman is in her mid sixties, but so what?? Madonna’s just gone for the same style on her new album so I say Babs does the same!! (Except perhaps without the type of highly embarrassing album cover Madge opted for, playing with her…erm…nether regions…)

    And now the Cheeser shall get off his soapbox! Have a fab weekend Mr Stanfield!!

    OC xx

  8. matty03 replied:

    Cool Old Cheeser! Yes! I so agree! All those synths and lush orchestrations are just tired. And, yes, I did once suggest that Babs consider going for an R&B Hip Hop Buttah Flavored sort of sound under the care of someone like P-Diddy — but, I just don’t think that this is Bab’s best option any longer.

    I’d so love to hear her perform Will Oldham’s “Love Comes to Me” as a duet with Anthony! That could be gorgeous!

    I like you on your soapbox!

    And, I hope you’ve a great weekend as well!

  9. hot lunch replied:

    are there any upcoming plans to record a new album for her? Do you know? Do you think she would?

  10. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch! Baby! Well, I’m not aware of anything but she usually records/releases a CD every 3 years or so. So, next year will probably be her next record. I’ve heard “rumblings” that she may be working on a gospel type CD related so some work she did with Leon Russell back in the 70’s. Don’t know for sure about that, but she did mention it in her commentary for A STAR IS BORN. Still, Barbra does what she wants to do when she wants to do it! …and, I shall alway support her — tho, I do wish she would follow my advice. …I give great advice. …not so much for me, but I’m great at telling others how to live their lives! ’tis true! lol!

  11. ing replied:

    I don’t think Barbra will ever cover those shoulders. And Bagel acts as a lady should! Barbra would be a lot happier if she followed suit.

  12. matty replied:

    Ing, Well, I suppose she might not ever cover ’em — but I sure hope she doesn’t take up some of Bagel’s inappropriate behavior. Maybe it’s me, but I don’t think Little Bagel should be doing that at the dinner table!

  13. Daniel replied:

    For hair and makeup I recommend that guy whose work we saw on Mrs. Doubtfire. I think he’s got the look down. Nothing like latex for creating a new look!

  14. Daniel replied:

    And Cheeser is right, Babs does tend to overproduce the sound, just a bit. I’d love to hear her do some Parisian cabaret songs, a la Piaf. Accordion and all.

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