…things are actually starting to get better. looks like it is still a long road to go, but i’m learning to accept the pace of “healing” — and to keep what gifts of hope the ones i love offer. i wish i could write that i take comfort, but this doesn’t come easily for me. i’m used to being the one who gives, tho i hope i’ve never stopped giving all that i can.

we put in an application and deposit for a lovely apartment in san francisco. i think we will get it and we should be moving back to the city within the next two to three weeks. moving back to the city and away from the trains and general horrors we have witnessed here. however, this move presents a new sort of struggle for me.

…and, i don’t mean the struggle of having to scale down on possessions to move from 1800 square feet to 600. that is no big deal to me. the things i really value are often quite small in size but unmeasurable in worth. we can fit in 600 square feet without worry. but, the thought of actually trying to pack and move is scary. sometimes just trying to fall asleep is more challenging than swimming across an ocean. just getting from ‘point a’ to ‘point b’ is not always something i can do right now.
but, one takes in a deep bowl of air and simply tries the best one can. and, that is enough. …to just keep trying and pushing forward.

it is almost 2am.

b and bagel are fast asleep. i sit alone trying to sort through my scramble mess of thought and calm down enough to face the bed. i suddenly realize that my ‘gut’ has gotten smaller and that the ‘man tits’ are turning back to ‘man chest’ again.

i feel a great sigh of relief to notice that my body is returning to form. …a way to go, but it is coming back.

i sip my tea and a sigh of fear tries to envelop me.

as the layer of fat starts to finally evaporate i realize i am more exposed.

how odd that the feeling of healing in itself can illicit fear.

vulnerable and almost naked — i push forward back to life.

May 19, 2008. Uncategorized.


  1. Steve Rebooted replied:

    Yayyyy! Glad things are improving!

  2. javabear replied:

    My husband is amazed by the size reduction in your living space with the new apartment. He wants to know if it has an outbuilding. I said “It’s an apartment.” So he wants to know if it has an out-apartment.

    I hope you get the new place. I hope San Fran is better for you than this place. I hope you won’t be able to hear the train whistle from the new place.

    I know a similar fear. It involves processing stuff as well. I am not packing to move, but I am supposed to be clearing things out, cleaning up, getting rid of some of this junk in my house. The whole idea paralyzes me. I begin, and my heart starts to race, my hands twitch, my eyes brim with tears. It hurts. I don’t know why it hurts. So I back away. And continue to stare at the piles of junk as they mock me.

    Maybe tomorrow.

  3. Walter J. Briski, Jr. replied:

    “Or the ripples from a pebble
    Someone tosses in a stream… (MIchel Legrand)

    matty dearest,
    i’ve a feeling you will be much happier back in san francisco.
    the space?
    is less important than the size of your happiness.

  4. Pants replied:

    Packing is the WORST. Even if the move is positive, it’s is the mofo pits. I’m sorry that I live in the land of Mormons…otherwise I’d come help you wrap your valuables with bubble wrap. 🙂

  5. Old Cheeser replied:

    I agree packing and moving is horrid! And you always have much more stuff than you think. But’s a positive move Matty and good luck with the application with the San Fran apartment!! I would find it annoying with train noises outside my window (not to mention all the other negative stuff you’ve mentioend) so I don’t blame you. It’s a move for the better!

  6. hot-lunch replied:

    change can be a good thing, i’m happy for you and hope things continue to get better!

  7. matty03 replied:

    Steve! Yes! Yay! Things are continuing to look up and get better! …still a way to go, but I’m getting there!

    Java! LOL! Tell him that this is just life in the Big City! Apartments in SF, like NY and Boston tend to be tiny unless one can afford $4K a month! …which we can’t, but this is a very cute/nice place with a separate room for the bedroom! …and, tell him that we do have a FULL bathroom! LOL! I know, all the things that seem ‘little” to others can just be so hard for some of us. My therapist says it takes ‘baby steps’ …so that is what I’m doing. And, yes, moving back to the city is going to be a great thing for me — and B and Little Bagel!

  8. matty03 replied:

    Walter! Yes, and thanks for chatting with my scattered self on the phone today! Size never equals happiness. …on so many levels!

  9. matty03 replied:

    Pants! You said it, baby! I hope you’re able to escape the Land of Mormons! …if escape is what is best for you! …the only real valuables I have are B and Little Bagel. The rest will either get across the bridge unbroken or not! Fingers crossed that nothing breaks or gets lost! I’ll have B and Bagel in the car with me!

    Cool Old Cheeser! Thanks! Yes, it is a move for the better of life quality! …and, I don’t think our friends will be afraid to visit us anymore. In fact, I think that they will all want to come over for cookouts on the beach or laying in the sun! (when the fog clears, anyway!)

    Hot Lunch! Yes, it will be! Please send me lots of positive thoughts!

  10. The Sagittarian replied:

    Oh, neat photo! (er, do people still say “neat”??) anyway, you know what I mean!
    You seem to take two steps forward then three steps back…yet you seem to do so much better on the forward steps, darling!! I know you have it in you, don’t be afraid. You are lovely. You are worthy of love and life and all the best they can offer. Take that step. Feel the ledge, its there and there are heaps of hands to hold you….

  11. matty03 replied:

    Sagittarian! Yes, I still say “neat” anyway! I know. My therapist is having me work on my habit of dread, fear and worry of everything. Thank you for your words. You know, they mean more than you could ever know. love, matty

  12. Daniel replied:

    I hate moving with a perfect hatred.

  13. Daniel replied:

    I lost all my “possessions” long ago. It was just too much work to hang onto them. I understand the fear. The only thing I know to do is to walk into it. As long as I keep moving, it hasn’t defeated me. Maybe that’s a good thing to think of when moving back to SF.

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