I was sitting at the window waiting for the dizziness and confusion to die down. It is so difficult to put all the woes which seem to keep me in this state of debilitation. Often I find myself thinking — for the first time in my life I finally have all the things I ever wished and dreamed of having — real love, a home and a future filled with hope and warmth. And, I have all these blessed things under the perfect sun and clear air that can only be had in San Francisco.

But, yet, here I sit rather crippled by the ghosts of the past. I limp through the struggles of therapy. As I do so I feel like I am dragging those who mean the most to me down into the mire of this misery. It is an odd and horrible space to sit.

“…bring them all the pain you’ve carried down the line
beggar standing on the corner dry your eyes
the tears you’re tasting now are only salty time.
The out of tune ravings of the crippled crow
Moving down the ladder slow
Where your friends on knee will help you…”
Donna Weiss, 1972

…Little Bagel peeking up at the dinner table…

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May 12, 2008. Uncategorized.

25 Comments

  1. walter J. Briski, Jr. replied:

    you look terribly handsome.
    those eyes, those lips…
    and i love bagel’s shot.
    hang in there, stud muffin!

  2. matty03 replied:

    Walter – thank you. i have never felt “handsome” — always feel i look so very ordinary that i sort of blend into the background. and, now, well — i don’t think i’ve ever felt so unattractive. but, thank you! i like that shot of bagel, too! …but, she is my little baby bagel. kisses, matty

  3. walter J. Briski, Jr. replied:

    matt…
    i think you are so attractive n handsome!
    just take it, man…
    x

  4. matty03 replied:

    Walter, it has been taken in for further review and consideration! LOL!

  5. Steve Rebooted replied:

    Can your dog get any cuter???????????? And and you’re cute too 😛

  6. matty03 replied:

    Steve! Awwwww shucks! You know, I keep thinking Bagel is as cute as possible but then she manages to top it! She just keeps getting cuter! …she is the Belle of the Ball at the doggie park in Alameda!

  7. Miss S replied:

    Can you or Bagel get any cuter? I saw you today, from the train window. You were wearing a red shirt and opening up the shades or blinds. Everyday that I go by, I say: Hi Matty! Hi Byron! Hi Little Bagel! I suppose you can’t hear me with the train and all.

    I was thinking along a similar track today.

    I feel like I’ve kind of found this steady, happy dream but it’s like this really fragile bubble being tossed around by ghosts and memory. It seemed easier to deal with the “ghosts” when they were real and present, and sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting for some thing to happen. It’s a bit suffocating.

    But, enough of that. You know I heart you, Matty. And, you do look good!!!

  8. hot lunch replied:

    i second and third everyone’s comments that you are looking very cute!!!

  9. Robert replied:

    Hey Matty. Y’know from that picture, I didn’t even recognize you! ahaha! Handsome indeed, love your long hair!

    Whatever that’s troubling you, keep working on it. It’s just a matter of time you put this all behind you. Only YOU can make it happen!

  10. The Sagittarian replied:

    That dog is such a sweety! I saw some bichon Maltese cross pups the other day and just wanted to scoop them all up and take them home! I didn’t tho’ cos we have a rough and toothless cat who wouldn’t like that one itty bit (or is that a tough and ruthless cat? sigh)
    As we say over here, don’t let the bastards grind you down!

  11. somewherejoe replied:

    Odd how that works, Matty… aggravation hates a vacuum. Seems it’s almost better to keep some trivial crisis, or disequanimity at least, going. Keeps the spooks away.

    I have to join the consensus here… good lookin’ face.

  12. javabear replied:

    Oh, honey, I have always thought you were handsome. Or cute. But definitely adorable. But not as adorable as Bagel, I have to admit. She wins the cute contest.

    I get so tired of being ill. I want to be all happiness and cheer, but I keep being shot by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. sigh….

  13. ing replied:

    Matty, you’re one of the handsomest men I know. . . maybe the handsomest! I mean it. And you make me happy every time I’m feeling blue. Ever since I met you, that’s been true. You were my first new friend after my, uh, incident, and just when I needed you, there you were. It’s been the same ever since, and you have proven to be a real and true friend, the kind I’ll hang on to always.

    xx. You are undeniably cute. So is your boyfriend. So is your dog. But I appreciate that you and B don’t lick my face.

  14. Daniel replied:

    I had this dream when I when i was driving across West Texas, moving from Louisiana to Arizona. I was just swimming along in the ocean without a care in the world. Deep below me in the sea were several giant sharks circling around, looking at my skinny little legs flailing in the water.
    Arizona turned out to be a really rough experience for me.
    But i came through. I think you will too.

    And you ARE cute. and hot.

  15. Daniel replied:

    And you can lick my face anytime.

  16. Old Cheeser replied:

    Very butch with the beard, Mister!

    The bagel shot is hilarious – actually looks like she’s been photoshopped between someone’s thighs. A girl who likes to be between someone’s legs…mmmm mmmm!!

  17. matty03 replied:

    Miss S! Oh, next time waive, jump & down and scream my name! …I probably won’t be able to see or hear you but your fellow passengers will enjoy it! LOL! Honey, I know. We’re both working thru a difficult time. Seems like so many I know are. We just have to hang tight, remember that we are going to make it, we are worth it and push forward. I’m pushing as hard as I know how! And, I hope Bagel gets no cuter! If she does I will simply have to smoother with my love! Sending you my love, a hug and hope to see you sometime soon!

  18. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch! LOL! Thanks! Am still really jealous of your voyage to China! So glad you’re back all safe and sound — starting anew!

    Robert! I had to give up haircuts so I could keep getting my cologne of choice! But, it is kind of fun to see how long it gets! Yes, I will push thru this. Slow going, tho it is.

    Sagittarian! I think she is a sensible kitty! Puppies/dogs are so cute but they need such attention. Took Bagel to the doggie park today and you would not believe how long it took to bath her and get the twicks, leaves & branches out of all that hair!?!?!? Kisses!

  19. matty03 replied:

    Joe!! I like the way you phrased that! Sending you a hug!

  20. matty03 replied:

    Java! I know. Me, too. I try to project this airy/happy way about me — but so many dark sad things continue to brew and bubble up. …leaving me a heap of a wreck. Hang in there! That is what we have to do — and push forward thru the dark clouds and ghosts of our past. And, yes, I rather think Little Bagel is God’s gift to cuteness! Well, right after my B!

  21. matty03 replied:

    Ing!! …You know, you’re my best friend. My sister. I feel the same way — I thank whatever might attempting to run this wreck of a universe that has allowed us to enter each other’s lives. You’ve saved mine so many times — you’ll never know. And, you’ve a hot body CREATED for French fashion! If only we had the money. Funny you should mention it, but B and I were just discussing the fact that we plan to start licking your face as soon as we see you! Love you, my dearest of friends.

  22. matty03 replied:

    Daniel! I’m so happy you left Arizona behind and have started a fresh, new life — or, continued the journey somewhere else.

    Oh, and be careful or I just might lick your face!

    Cool Old Cheeser! Wow! No one has EVER described me as “butch”! I feel so uber-manly! Like I should eat some beef jerky and spit in public! However, you can’t hear the Barbra Streisand re-mix blaring from the car stereo as I took the picture! LOL!

    …Um, yeah. Bagel is a bit the slut. Just ask Ing!

  23. ing replied:

    Matty!

    I’m sorry I get so caught up in my problems! I want to congratulate you and B on getting the apartment thing straightened out. I honestly can’t wait to have you back here in SF, where I can bug you in person!! Things are going to work out! We’re living life!

    xxxx

  24. Daniel replied:

    Oh my, are you guys back in SF? It seems like you just got settled in Oakland, the navel of the “uber”verse.
    Well, I know you love it in SF. Are you back in the Castro?

  25. pakipoptart replied:

    Hey there! I’m so glad that you are still working through this–however difficult it is, you are stuck through it, and that you should be very proud of!! Your courage is inspiring!

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