WEST OAKLAND FLESH BANGIN’!

Warning: This Post May Contain Information of a “Sensitive” Nature. Reader Discretion is Advised!

But, if you’re reading my blog you probably already know that. Anyway — I may not be nuts about living this far from GayTown — but no one can say that life is dull living on the cusp of West Oakland!!

As I started to drift off in my shrink-induced haze of sleep ’round about 2am this Sunday morning I heard the following pour through one of the half opened windows of our loft:

screeching tires and two car door slams

“Oh, Baby!”
“Oh no, nigga! You pay up front!”

then I heard what sounded like whimpering and slapping.

Bagel started to freak out and I was worried that a woman was being beaten. I sort of fell out of bed and fumbled down the stairs of our bedroom loft to the window. We don’t live in a good hood. The parking lot/front yard is very well lit — and what should greet my eyes?!?!

Well, I will tell you.

A red sports car, a tall man and a rather large woman. These three things might not be so unusual except the woman wasn’t really whimpering so much as she was moaning in fake ecstasy, and the slapping I was hearing was not the sound of a hand hitting another person — but the sound of hip slamming into booty.

Yes, there it was. A large (and horrifyingly well-endowed!) man and a crack ho with her mini skirt hiked — revealing a rather large butt! She was spread out with her chin on the hood! The man was grinning like he was the happiest man on the planet.

At first I thought I might be tripping and then the following came from the open mouth of the rather “gifted” woman: “Oh, daddy! Yeah! Give it to me, Daddy! Daddy! Give it to me Daddy!”

B had slipped into a quiet sleep ’round 11pm Saturday evening. I had no choice. I woke him up as if some natural disaster was happening in the parking lot! You see, I needed a witness!
B jumped up and we both looked down in a mix of horror, confusion and open-jawed shock! We also had to fight the urge not to giggle!

“How is she able to take him so easily?!?”
“Practice!”

…and, then, all the more interesting and exciting — a surfer dude artist who lives here walked out and up to the “very bizzzzzy” couple and began to talk to them. We could not make out what he said, but the ho jumped off the hood and into “Daddy’s” car, and “Daddy” started saying to our resident surfer artist dude, “Oh, you’re a good man! Thank you, my man! No problems here, my man!”

…and, with that — Daddy and Crack Ho took off with a skid mark (so to speak) and were but a nasty low-fi porn memory!

I really want to move! However, I was so upset when Ing and A asked me why I had not taken a picture! I honestly do not know. I think I was just too surprised by it all — not to mention blitz’d out on my dolls! I don’t shock easily, but one typically does not see this sort of thing in his/her front yard.

(a sigh and a shudder!)