Warning: This Post May Contain Information of a “Sensitive” Nature. Reader Discretion is Advised!

But, if you’re reading my blog you probably already know that. Anyway — I may not be nuts about living this far from GayTown — but no one can say that life is dull living on the cusp of West Oakland!!

As I started to drift off in my shrink-induced haze of sleep ’round about 2am this Sunday morning I heard the following pour through one of the half opened windows of our loft:

screeching tires and two car door slams

“Oh, Baby!”
“Oh no, nigga! You pay up front!”

then I heard what sounded like whimpering and slapping.

Bagel started to freak out and I was worried that a woman was being beaten. I sort of fell out of bed and fumbled down the stairs of our bedroom loft to the window. We don’t live in a good hood. The parking lot/front yard is very well lit — and what should greet my eyes?!?!

Well, I will tell you.

A red sports car, a tall man and a rather large woman. These three things might not be so unusual except the woman wasn’t really whimpering so much as she was moaning in fake ecstasy, and the slapping I was hearing was not the sound of a hand hitting another person — but the sound of hip slamming into booty.

Yes, there it was. A large (and horrifyingly well-endowed!) man and a crack ho with her mini skirt hiked — revealing a rather large butt! She was spread out with her chin on the hood! The man was grinning like he was the happiest man on the planet.

At first I thought I might be tripping and then the following came from the open mouth of the rather “gifted” woman: “Oh, daddy! Yeah! Give it to me, Daddy! Daddy! Give it to me Daddy!”

B had slipped into a quiet sleep ’round 11pm Saturday evening. I had no choice. I woke him up as if some natural disaster was happening in the parking lot! You see, I needed a witness!
B jumped up and we both looked down in a mix of horror, confusion and open-jawed shock! We also had to fight the urge not to giggle!

“How is she able to take him so easily?!?”

…and, then, all the more interesting and exciting — a surfer dude artist who lives here walked out and up to the “very bizzzzzy” couple and began to talk to them. We could not make out what he said, but the ho jumped off the hood and into “Daddy’s” car, and “Daddy” started saying to our resident surfer artist dude, “Oh, you’re a good man! Thank you, my man! No problems here, my man!”

…and, with that — Daddy and Crack Ho took off with a skid mark (so to speak) and were but a nasty low-fi porn memory!

I really want to move! However, I was so upset when Ing and A asked me why I had not taken a picture! I honestly do not know. I think I was just too surprised by it all — not to mention blitz’d out on my dolls! I don’t shock easily, but one typically does not see this sort of thing in his/her front yard.

(a sigh and a shudder!)

April 6, 2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized.


  1. Steve Rebooted replied:

    OMG, that’s too funny!

  2. Pants replied:

    Yikes! Oakland certainly is colorful…when I was living on Lake Merrit I was smoking cigarettes and talking (cell phone) on my front stoop, late one night. I saw some movement across the street on the small lawn area between Lakeside Dr. and the lake. Took me a minute to figure out what it was: two people fucking on the lawn. It was er, really strange and SO freaking public!

  3. matty03 replied:

    Steve! I know! It really isn’t, but it totally is!

  4. matty03 replied:

    Pants! Yes, we are living in a tainted rainbow!

    Um, I think that couple you saw might have been me and B.

    (not really — we were in the lawns of the castro. LOL!) …Isn’t it really odd and uncomfortable to actually witness something that should be so very private!?!?!

    I mean, we’ve all done it outside, but you have to maintain a bit of dignity! lol!

  5. Old Cheeser replied:

    Yet another fabulous Matty ancedote!! You see it ALL babe. Sounds like something out of a porn/blaxploitation movie. Trasherama!! I agree with the comments about seeing something so private in public – kind of weeeeeeird. Actually I remember in our last flat, we had these neighbours who insisted on having really loud sex all the time – okay so we couldn’t see them, but we could definitely hear them through the wall! The poor girl sounded like she was in pain. The funny thing was they always seemed to have it off at the same time, every Saturday. Me and Gustavo had a theory that she was a prostitute and he was her regular client and nick-named her Mrs Saturday Shag…

    Anyway! Well I think you’re positively lucky to live in a neighbourhood with such high drama, mister!

    Okay, let’s be serious. Do you really regret moving to Oakland? I know it does sound a little rough but it can’t be that bad surely? What about your wonderful new loft?

    Love the Barbie and Ken by the way!

    OC xx

  6. matty03 replied:

    Cool Old Cheeser! I remember reading about that noisy former neighbor of yours! LOL! Aren’t those perverted Barbie dolls da bomb?!?!?

    The loft/apartment is so fab! It really is! If only we could just air-lift it back to San Francisco! But, such is not the case.

    Regarding Oakland — there are some lovely areas in Oakland. Where we are IS NOT one of them. It is not safe to walk from the public transit to our place — especially after sunset. And, tho it is right just outside of GayTown — no one wants to visit us because of the area. So, that is a bummer.

    Also, for reasons I will not go into — the very close proximity of the rail ties into the trauma I experienced as a child which only makes it that much harder for me to relax and sleep.

    And, ultimately, both B and I really miss GayTown. We miss being able to hold hands and we can’t walk Bagel anywhere near here due to all the needles and broken glass from car windows. Also, the homies do not think Bagel is cute. They all have pit bulls who would snap up little Bagel.

    And, tho some of the other areas of Oakland are cool — you need a car — and, ultimately, it is suburbia and neither of us want to live in the burbs!

    So, back to the city we shall try to go. We gave it a fair shot I think!

  7. ing replied:

    Back to the city!! Back to the city!! I wish you’d settle in the Castro again. . . You’d probably see things that are almost as thrilling/scary (depending on your perspective – sounds scary & eeew-y to me).

  8. matty03 replied:

    Ing! …well, as much as we would both love to be back in The Castro — I don’t think we can afford it this time ’round. Tho, ya never know! I’ve my fingers crossed for the Ocean Beach area but I’m betting we end up in the TenderNob!

    …still, we’ve got the summer to be thinkin’ and lookin’ and the like!

    I always try to look at things from the adventure/humor perspective — but it is much easier to write that than to live it.

    …tho, very often I almost manage it!!! (i think)

  9. pakipoptart replied:

    OK. This is the type of classy blog posts that keep me coming back to Matt’s bit of space! ( : I would have called 911 (but then again that number is my solution to everything). I feel so bad that you had to experience that. If its any consolation I had to pull the testicles out of a guy during an autopsy today…ick!

  10. javabear replied:

    How is she able to take him so easily? Yes, practice. Girl parts are a bit stretchier, too.
    I can’t decide if this is more funny or disturbing. Although the more you say about your neighborhood, the more disturbing the whole thing sounds. Be careful!

  11. matty03 replied:

    pakipoptart! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Wait. Yeah. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! …did you, uh, happen to take any pictures while you were doing that?!!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

  12. matty03 replied:

    Java! Well, the thing is — I don’t think that those were girlie parts. …Um, pretty sure that it was a part that both sexes have. Um, anally speaking, so to ‘speak’ — Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! lol!

    …sometimes one has to laugh (or cry) — I try to laugh.

    pakipoptart had to pull the testicles out of a cadavar! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

  13. pakipoptart replied:

    Hey first off..love your new little pic! Very cute!

    Second… I didn’t take any pictures, but the memory will last a lifetime! ( : I guess you always remember your first!

  14. ginab replied:

    well people screw at all hours. out in the street / out in the p-lot / the p’s and c’s are doing the rammy and b-h’s

    everyone get in line to do the rammy

    jam-rammy-jammy (snap your fingers, it ain’t 2 in the mornin’ right now!)

    JAM, I say, jam-rammy-jammy in two-4 time.

  15. Karyn replied:

    Oh ew.
    I wouldnt have been able to look away either though.


  16. johnmichael replied:

    I don’t know what to say. However like you, I probably wouldn’t have been able to turn away from the site, just because.

  17. matty03 replied:

    Pakipoptart! Yeah, I don’t think I would forget what you just did! Nooooooo! Thanks! It is a temp picture. I don’t like that it is out of focus. Or, maybe that is a good thing. Not sure! LOL!

  18. matty03 replied:

    Gina! You turned it into a song! Yay! Actually, I think I will start to use your wording to describe a number of things! LOL!

  19. matty03 replied:

    Karyn! I know! How can one turn away!?!?!

    johnmichael! Again, I know. It is almost impossible to find the words, but Gina did a great job: jam jammey jammey at 2am! LOL!

  20. matty03 replied:

    …also this shot is not my current hair mis-hap!

  21. ginab replied:


  22. The sagittarian replied:

    Jeez louise, what a fun neighbourhood!
    I wonder what the surfer dude said?

  23. ing replied:

    I bet he warned them that the cops were coming. . .

    Nice new picture, Matty! You look great!

  24. matty03 replied:

    Gina! LOL!

    The Sagittarian! LOL! Well, one never knows what one might see, encounter or find! I will be glad to leave this area and return to my beloved GayTown! …just need to get thru the summer! At least that is the plan! I need to ask him what he said — he is my neighbor but he is a doctor and keeps crazy hours!

    Ing! I don’t know. Maybe… And, thanks! I think you took it with Byron’s camera at Xmas time. I was 15 pounds lighter then! Yeah! Just four months ago! ugh! But, it is the only “recent” picture of me that I like at all. Need to secure a better one that better reflects how I look NOW. …except I don’t like the way I look right now. Ugh!

  25. joe replied:

    well, that certainly interesting! ahem.

    reminds me of when we were living across a street from a big apt complex, where we can see the windows. One morning during gay pride week, while having breakfast, I looked across and saw two cute twinky-like boys fucking. While I couldn’t tell how endowed he was (alas, too faraway), I could tell they were fucking cos feet were in air, then moved to doggy style and back to feet in air. It was like watching tv.

  26. matty03 replied:

    Joe!! You should have filmed it! You could have made some money on Xtube! LOL! I wish what I saw had been on TV. As Laurie Anderson once said/wrote — seeing it on TV “tones it down”

  27. walter J. Briski, Jr. replied:

    oh dear…
    it sounds like something you would watch on saturday night live.

  28. Miss S replied:

    WOWakland!!! Isn’t it such an enchanting land?

    I ride BART by your window every day and keep half expecting to see you there!

  29. matty03 replied:

    Walter! LOL! Has SNL gone porno!?!?

    Miss S!!!!! How are you?!!? I love that …WOWakland! It is an enchanted forest of delights! …you should never know which delight will pop up where, when or how!

    I’m nearly always here! Stop on by!!!

  30. Meredith replied:

    Yeah, I’m with INg, You should have gotten pictures. Rather surreal experience in the middle of the night!

  31. hot-lunch replied:

    well at least u got a great story out of it!! i was once at my friend Jill’s, who lived across from an elementary school, where during the summer one day, while lazing about on her patio with some pink zinfadel and taking in the afternoon sun, we witnessed two teenagers having some oral fun beneath the blacktop. But really, who can resist a mid-day playground blowjob?!

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