( secrets )

as a cloud starts to lift i find myself taking a re-stock of life. perhaps life, like art, should not be expected to make sense. maybe one is better to just allow it to wash over you in all its mess, troubles, woes, joys and trauma.

when food becomes an enemy, when sleep becomes the portal to danger, when memory is something to be seared from the brain, when the comfort of a pillow becomes a shield and when the true beauty of the body becomes a distortion — perhaps that is the time one should take a walk, a puff on a cigarette, a sip of tea, a walk through a gallery, a ride on a streetcar to the freedom of the ocean and bach providing the backdrop for these moments. (and the way he was never able to finish that final fugue movement — forever ending abruptly. …forever stuck in 1750)

and, as i try to contemplate and make sense of the way life tosses us all about, i do find comfort. and, not so much in art but in this moment when i hear the front door close, lock and footsteps of my lover walking away — only to then hear those steps return. the door unlocks, opens and he walks toward me. i am only half into sleep as the sun slips back into our room.

he kisses me gently. …sensuously upon my lips.

my mind tries to pull me away from sleep to fully embrace the eroticism of this moment, but i drift into a silent sleep as i hear my love return to the door, it locks and he walks away to his day.

i am loved.

he has kissed me the way i him as he sleeps next to me during my times of personal horror. and, the taste of him brings me closer to safety.

perhaps the way to not let life beat me down is to accept it for what it is.

like art, let it wash over me. simply accept what the artist creates. take solace in what i have

complexities and limitations — the abstractions of life.

( maybe love is the secret )
…pushing me forward.

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March 13, 2008. Uncategorized.

25 Comments

  1. ing replied:

    Sweet! It’s so nice to know that you are loved, isn’t it? I’m so thrilled that you have love in your life, the kind that you can rely on. That’s very important.

    Dang, nice writing, too!

  2. pakipoptart replied:

    I think you are on to something. I have a hunch you are loved by many though!

  3. Old Cheeser replied:

    That’s lovely writing, very poetic. I take it you are talking about B?

  4. matty03 replied:

    Ing! Yes, it is a blessing and a saving grace. And, it always seems to be in the “small” gestures when you notice the presence of it.

    PakiPopTart! I hope you’re right. I feel like I’ve sort of been (and remain rather) absent from life. …and, I’m not even sure what that means as I write it.

    Cool Old Cheeser! Thank you, sir! Yes, my love is my B.

  5. ginab replied:

    hey dove, love is intimate. it’s the core. us on the outside, well we are a little bit lost.

    the sea is restorative tho, expansive. a mirror as vast as the world it seems. a great coin for a god.

  6. Steve replied:

    Yes, it is best to let it wash over you; but pushing forward is the most important thing! I love this entry!

  7. Java replied:

    Love richly, in the give and in the receive. It is strength.

    Life wash over you. trust?

  8. hot-lunch replied:

    that was a beautiful post.

    Other suggestions for what you can do when feeling down:

    – hunt for LPs in thrift store bins
    – read a good book
    – YouTube like mad!
    – take more beautiful photos
    – lay in a forest until leaf-people jump up and dance around you
    – play with the puppy
    – blog!!

    Or…not.

  9. Werner replied:

    My dearest Matty,
    It must be absolute Hell,of what you have to endure. I can only somewhat imagene. But I don’t want to dwell on the negative side of things,there are plenty of them.

    Leni encouraged me to read one book she had read and had for some time. It’s a Novel,called “The Ultimate Gift”,by Jim Stovall. You can Google his name. If I had your new Address, I would order this one for you from Amazon. This book had me spellbound as no other,no kidding!!!!! Matty, please let me know and I’ll order the book for you ASAP.
    The Love & concern of all your Friends is surrounding you in a mighty way and our Prayers are with you!

    Love & Hugs
    Werner

  10. matty03 replied:

    Gina – I do so love the way you can express ideas. I love that metaphor for the ocean.

  11. matty03 replied:

    Steve – Thanks! Yes, we all have to just push forward thru it. I think I’m trying to find so much meaning in it or the past. Easier written than done.

  12. matty03 replied:

    Java – I trust B with my life, but trusting these feelings takes a great deal of strength and faith. I think one can only try.

  13. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch! Thank you, sir! This is a great list! I think B and I are going to a museum and a huge used record store today! Perhaps we can also go lay in some leaves and wait for the leaf people to jump up and dance about. I’d also like a beautiful owl in a brown slacks to show up and embrace us. One can dream. One must dream.

    And, maybe I’ll take some pictures.

  14. matty03 replied:

    Werner – Oh, thank you so much. Yes, I am much blessed with love and positive energy. I think the healing has begun. No need to spend money on me! Right now, I’m re-reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass — something I do probably once a year. love, matty

  15. scarlet hip replied:

    Lovely. Makes me realize I need to get out there and try this love thing again.

  16. Robert replied:

    …and Yoko once said: “Together – is the secret!” 🙂

    Yes indeed, you are loved by many.

  17. matty03 replied:

    Robert! I hope so. Sometimes one can feel the love.

    And, Yoko. She rocks.

  18. The Sagitarrian replied:

    beautiful poetic blog! It is good to be loved and even better that you know you are. Happy trails, Matty.

  19. matty03 replied:

    The Sagitarrian – Thank you! Yes, and I like the way you phrased that.

  20. Pants replied:

    I want to give you a monster hug.

  21. matty03 replied:

    Pants! I could use it! And, I wish I could give you one, too! In fact, I’m sending one to you via the cyber waves!

  22. maddieg replied:

    I totally felt your hug this afternoon! 🙂

  23. ginab replied:

    oh, I think I turned an even better, a truly great metaphor penned by Joseph Conrad. he’s the one. I can’t look at the sea without him. weird. Got into quite the conversation last night over his The Return (was made into a French movie).

    I think I learned only recently and for the first time what love is. You and B have shown it, and I’ve learned from another couple. Funny how late a person can learn a thing or two. Love wins, said a bumper sticker the other day. And it does. If I stay strong, I can have it too.

    Right now, I’m hungry!

    -ginab xo

  24. scarlet hip replied:

    My mother is blasting Barbra throughout the house.

  25. matty03 replied:

    Maddieg — I’m so glad! And, I hope you’re feeling better! I need to catch up on my emails and blogging! I seem to be plodding along lately.

    Gina! I was ready to go with you’re having created that!!! LOL! Oh, I now feel the need to read some Conrad! I fear it might be too heavy a read for me at the moment. No real level of concentration lately. Anyway, I’m sending you an email.

    …That French film version of THE RETURN is one of my faves! Ms. Huppert and Mr. Greggory — “Gabrielle” — saw it with Ms. Ing well over a year ago and am a proud owner of the DVD! You MUST NetFlix it if you’ve not seen it!

    Scarlet Hip! Wow! You ARE the lucky girl today! Sing along proud and strong! I salute your mom!

    …for those about to Barbra: I salute you!

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