DISCARDED WIGS AND THE SUCH…

…I should have known it was going to be a strange outing when I passed this on my way to our neighborhood BART station. I am not sure, but I suspect the sight of a discarded box of detergent, a sweater and a wig at the side of the street is an omen of some sort. However, I snap’d a picture and kept walking toward the day’s destiny.

I wasn’t feeling great, but nothing new there. I was feeling a little bit better about myself, tho. Yes, I’ve lost 2 pounds! I’m into taking baby steps at the moment. So, 2 pounds lost is so much better than 2 gained any day!

Anyway, it is quite sunny and gorgeous — but I knew that there would be a slight chill in the air once the train landed me at Embacadero Center. So, I had my cool Diesel hoodie on along with my stylin’ flip-flops. …At least I think that they are kind of SF stylin’ cool. I don’t know.

After the train made the first stop in San Francisco, I step’d off my train and walked toward the up escalator which was actually working. Just before I boarded two persons bearing roller luggage and strapping matching fanny packs cut me off and slowly pulled themselves on to the ride. I was going to wait for two steps to pass and put some space between us but a tide of newly arrived folks surged forward and I ended up standing on the step directly behind the male of the 50-something couple.

At one point, I noticed that he prod’d his wife and they moved as close to the rail as possible with his giving me a not so discreet sign to pass them. However, I’m not full of grace as of late and need to lean on the rail.

So, the three of us rode up the escalator as everyone quickly sprinted by us. It was almost comical watching the two of them scurry off the escalator as if life depended on it. They step’d to the side as I step’d off. I figured that they were just nervous tourists on the escalator. I bet they had taken the BART from the airport to save cab fare. They were probably more than a little lost.

I walked to Subway and ordered my usual. As I placed my order I noticed that they were right behind me in line. I had that uncomfortable feeling of being watched. The girl behind the counter asked me what was on my iPod. I showed her. She squealed and asked if Goldfrapp was the group who sang the song about the vibrator. I confirmed that they were. She did a quick dance motion and told me to enjoy the day.

I sat down with my copy of The SF Weekly. The couple moved their luggage in where the chair opposite me would be. The chair made an awful screeching noise as it was dragged away to make room for the ugly luggage.

And, then — the dreaded moment came. He spoke to me — in a very southern accent.

“We were worried that you were a pick pocket! But, then we noticed how you’re dressed. That escalator was so crowded! This is our first time in San Francisco!”

“Me? A pick pocket? That’s too funny. Welcome to San Francisco.” …I quickly went back to my paper.

“We were kinda wondering — are you one of them gays?”

(awkward pause as I tried to determine how I wanted to respond)

“Why, yes. I am one of them gays. We actually roam free in San Francisco.” (I did my best to imitate his accent)

“Aw shoot, man! I didn’t mean nothin’ by it! But, we don’t have any gays where we come from.”

“No problem. From which fag-free state are y’all from?”

(another awkward moment as the male tourist tried to determine how to respond)

“Well son, we’re from Idaho.”

“You’re right. I doubt that there are any homosexuals in Idaho. Jesus! Did you two just fall off the Ignorant Boat?”

(the wife leaned forward and spoke)

“I’m so sorry! He’s just nervous!”

“It’s cool” I returned to my paper and sandwich wondering why these things only seem to happen to me and if it was the PTSD which had caused me to be so rude. Oh, well. They will get over it, I thought

…but, then the conversational shoe fell.

“Any suggestions about what we should check out on this beautiful day?”

“You can look at even more gay men and women in The Castro. You might even see a tranny on such a grand day. Watch out for the giant erect penis monument! Be sure to have your cameras at the ready!”

…and, I got up with my sandwich and left. I had forgotten my paper and my Diet Coke. Somehow, I figure it served me right. I should not have been that ugly.

I picked up a Diet Coke at the shop next door and headed to the Bay where I sat in the sun for a while.

I think I’ll blame it on that damn wig.

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February 28, 2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized.

26 Comments

  1. Dirky-do replied:

    Jeebus H. Crumbs, some folks be so ignunt!!

    Not that we need to validate that our people are ubiquitous, one of THE most attractive lipstick Lesbyterians I’ve ever known was from Boise…and she smelled great, too…Paloma Picasso perfume was DIVINE on her!

  2. matty replied:

    Dirky-Do! LOL! …I KNEW it! There are gay people in Idaho! lol! …But, I guess it is good I didn’t break their fragile little str8 hearts.

    How does that song go, “…gay is all around!” ? …it IS the new black. …or orange. I’m not sure.

    Am I not supposed to be calling myself “queer” again? I think I am. I used to call myself queer back in the early 90’s and was a member of Queer Nation. …but, then we were told to call ourselves “gay” …now, from what I can best gather — we’re “queer” again.

    Quick! Someone call Larry Kramer to confirm!

  3. ing replied:

    Hee hee, people from Idaho do NOT have Southern accents!! Idaho is way up north!

    It’s just stress. When I moved to China I used to get testy with people, after a while, who wanted to poke and prod and ask a lot of questions, because I was just a person like everyone else, and some days I didn’t feel like representing a whole group, I just wanted to be left alone.

  4. pakipoptart replied:

    Wow what a strange experience! Don’t be too hard on yourself. I think anyone in that situation would have been weirded out! I would have run for the hills!!

  5. ing replied:

    Jeez, did you notice how many COMMAS I used in that sentence?!

  6. johnmichael replied:

    Very weird conversation indeed!!

  7. Miss S replied:

    Wow. Just wow.

    I guess some days it’s just better to chill and not be “World Ambassador of The Gays.” It’s surprising and sad and completely predictable. I guess you should have take
    the high road, but I’m really, really glad you gave ’em some sass!

  8. Old Cheeser replied:

    Yet more proof that you are a magnet for the weird and wonderful people of this world, Matty!

    Well…perhaps those people you describe were less than “wonderful”. But they didn’t sound particularly hostile either, just….lacking in awareness. And my, weren’t you brave speaking to them like that! Sassy indeed! If I’d said anything like that to someone I probably would have got a fist in my mouth.

    As for the wig, sweater and detergent, that is too funny/odd. I strongly suspect they belong to Cher. Fallen on hard times, she has obviously moved to Oakland (no offence!) and is using the local laundromat. Unfortunately whilst in the process of loading a bundle of her disco outfits into a washing machine, the door slammed shut, catching the end of her long black wig and ripping it from her head. Embarrassed at being exposed so publicly, Ms Cher fled from the aforementioned laundromat, picking up the dropped wig and detergent. So disorientated was she, she also accidentally picked up some old guy’s sweater in the washing basket next to her. Once outside, she quickly discarded all of the aforementioned items and fled back to her Oakland trailer.

    Miaow!

    Personally though I would have nicked the wig for myself and then handed it to the bigoted couple – it might have helped in their much-needed reducation…

  9. Java replied:

    Matty! You’re one of them gays???? OMG! How was I to know? Maybe the stylin’ San Francisco flip flops gave you away. You need to post a picture of them for us to judge whether they be stylin’ or not.

    You know, I don’t think we have any gays in South Carolina, either, except in Charleston. It’s a funny place, Charleston. That’s why all the folks in the know go to Myrtle Beach instead. Charleston is for the forrin tourists.

    P.S. Congrats on losing the 2 lbs! (I’m afraid I may have found them…)

  10. matty replied:

    Ing! I know! …but I didn’t know how to better describe their accents. They sounded like they were from Alabama or somewhere like that. They didn’t sound like FARGO people. ?

    No, I was a jerk.

    Lately, I have quite a quick temper with strangers. The doctor tells me that this is normal, but it is opposite from what I’m normally like.

    I hope I’m not turning into Travis from TAXI DRIVER. ugh!

  11. matty replied:

    PakiPopTart! LOL! I know! I wish I had just run or just ignored them. I don’t think I ever run. …unless the person is just really crazy or smells really bad.

    Ing, Stop, with, the, commas!

    Johnmichael! Yes, well. Welcome to my world.

  12. matty replied:

    Miss S! Yes, I really do wish I had taken the high road. Oh well. I guess I gave them “sass” …I feel like I was just a total jerk to them. ‘Tis done.

  13. matty replied:

    Cool Old Cheeser! Oh, I love that idea! Maybe it was Cher! …staying in Oakland as she gears up for her 4 year run in Vegas. I have to say, tho. Cher’s wig seems rather sad. I can’t imagine it ever having looked cool, but maybe she was “in-cog-ni-toe”

  14. matty replied:

    Java! LOL! Actually, South Carolina is just crawlin’ with queers! I used to see them on gay.com all the time — back during my single days!

    …I think I might have found those 2 pounds already. You must have found the pounds of another! LOL!

  15. Dessie replied:

    You’ll like this:
    http: // stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

  16. Steve replied:

    LOL, I can’t add to this thread. And I started lauging from the first commenter, all the way down! Great post and observations 😆

  17. ing replied:

    I think Cheeser is on to something. . .

  18. ing replied:

    Dear Matty:

    I am up late, late, late into the evening, updating my blogger profile. I wondered if you would have a look at the changes I made to my music preferences, because I need to know if you approve. . .

    Thanks!

  19. Old Cheeser replied:

    Hi Ing! I hope so. After all we haven’t seen much of Cher recently, have we?

    And if as you say Matty, she is doing a four year run in Vegas (is this true? The woman is going to be shattered!) then the mystery is coming together…

    And why “in-cog-ni-toe”, Mister?

  20. matty replied:

    Dessie! That is so funny!!!! …and, sadly, sort of true!

    Steve! Why, thank you! Yeah, I think it far better to laugh than cry!

  21. matty replied:

    Ing! I can’t wait to look at your new profile! And shall do so when we return from our adventures for this lovely Saturday. Not sure what those will be, but I think I need some fat clothes! …thrift shops might be calling!

    Cool Old Cheeser! Yes! I do believe she is about to start a long run in Vegas. I am pretty sure I read that! I was just thinking that Cher might not want the world to know that she is wearing a downtown wig, living in a trailer and doing her OWN laundry — in Oakland, CA of all places when she is so close to GayTown! …I should think that Ing would help her do her laundry!

  22. hot lunch replied:

    You should have sent them to Daddy’s! Is that still around?

  23. Pants replied:

    I have it on good authority that Idahoans aren’t known for their intelligence, and not just because of the stupidity that inspired this post…

    When Elizabeth Smart was missing the Idaho news reported they had found her remains. They sent them to their crime lab to be evaluated while the news continued to report their discovery for days before it was determined the remains were actually a bear. A fucking bear?! I’m no expert in skeletal remains but I think I’d know the difference between a bear and a human.

    So yeah, Idahoans are a little special fo sho.

  24. matty replied:

    Hot Lunch! Oh, that would have been a great idea! LOL! Daddy’s is no more. Or, at least, the owners changed as did the name. Haven’t been in about a year — but the vibe is different. I’m thinking that The Stud in South of Market would have been a great referral! LOL! Tho, Tranny night is Tuesday!

    Pants! That is so funny! …And, odd! How could someone mistake a bear skeleton for that of a human!?!?!? Go figure!!?!? Too funny! …and, sad at the same time!

  25. anita replied:

    Hi Sweetie, What an interesting day. Only you could have that kind. LOL And, I am glad that Ing pointed out the people from Idaho don’t have Southern accents. I bet they were from Georgia
    and just didn’t want to admit it!! LOL
    Love you much!
    Anita

  26. matty03 replied:

    Anita! …I know. No, they told me that they were from Idaho, but they sure sounded southern to me. I don’t know.

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