…this is a great book of an on-going art project that not only inspires me, but manages to make me marvel at the endless possibilities of us. It can be found every where and will cost you about twenty bucks. I promise you will not be sorry you spent it.

Anyway, I had my first therapy appointment yesterday. It was rough. B had to sit with me on the stoop of the Castro Victorian from which she works for about ten minutes. I just couldn’t walk. But, I actually felt hope for the first time in over two months. This therapist has been working with adult men and young boys who have been sexually molested for over twenty years. I felt comfortable and safe there.

And, she actually seemed to understand what I meant when I attempted to describe this constant sensation that has been shrouding me for over eight months. …this feeling that I’m trapped in a bubble. Like I’m stuck in some horrible dream in which I am watching everything happen to me but I’m not really “here” or “there” or participating. I’ve always dealt with this sensation, but this has been the first time it seems to never go away. This feeling is with me 24/7 — only when I’m lost in cinema screening or find myself with B or friends and laughing does it go away. But, as soon as I realize that I feel “normal” it returns. I often just put on music I love and hold Bagel.

Lately, I’ve wanted to just bash my head against a wall or with a hammer just to be sure I am actually here. Doctors have been nodding their heads and muttering something about an extreme dis-associative disorder or some such, but they just never seem to get it. This therapist did and seems committed to fighting with me to bust out of this bubble. I see her again next week. It will be an even more challenging session because I will need to fully discuss what happened when I was ages 4 to 9. I know we have to do it, tho. So, deep in take of air and push forward.

I have to say, tho. I was starting to feel I had no more push left. I just want my life back. Thank God for B and all those who love me enough to put up with my limitations these days. And, my Bagel. …and, all the music that keeps me rolling. …speaking of which, B and I were in this East Bay town the other day and I found this LP in a bin!!!! When I was a kid Showtime seemed to play this lame Robby Benson movie on an endless loop. But, I always loved the theme song sung by Seals & Croft! The rest of the record is really bad, but I do so love that one song — “My Fair Share”

Anyway, let’s hope therapy can break me out of this bubble! The therapist was also able to review my medication. I’ve gotten my second opinion. She feels that the medication is correct given my current circumstances. However, she was obviously upset that Kaiser had failed to provide any therapy to actually help the medication do what it should be doing.

She also indicated that my blacking out, losing time, confusion and general klutziness is due to “the bubble” and lack of quality sleep more than the medication. By the way, this is all my wording.

Well, enough of that. I’m thinking of posting my “crazy person” collage artwork I’ve been doing. Ing promised me that it was OK and that WordPress would not be able to stop all the galleries and museums from pursuing me for art showings! So, I’m relieved about that. I’d hate to allow my blog to shoot down my career as a great artiste! I just have to figure out how to photograph them so that they capture all the artistic detail and merit of my obsessions!

This is what was playing as I created this post which I will not be reviewing for mistakes for fear that I will be too embarrassed to post it if I look at it! (shut up! it really IS a great album!!!) Oh, and Happy Valentines Day!

February 13, 2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized.


  1. Pants replied:

    I was just looking at the Learning to Love You More website the other day! I think it looks awesome. I especially liked the link to the family (in WA?) who had completed all the tasks. So much more meaningful than reading the Bible together. *yawn*

    I’m glad to hear the appointment went well…though tough. I know it’s rough but it’s so worth it. The therapist who helped me deal with sexual abuse from my childhood really saved me…I know exactly the “pit” you describe, I spent a great deal of time there before I found the right person to help lift me out of that dark, dark hell.
    *end overshare*

  2. hot-lunch replied:

    happy valentine’s!!! and i like this therapist of yours already!! there

  3. ing replied:

    I can’t wait to check out that book!!!! I just ordered it at my Local Independent Bookstore (as, I’m sure, did you).

    And I’m so thrilled that you found someone you can talk to, I am! So glad, so glad!

    Captain and Tenille made a handsome couple, didn’t they? I used to have Toni Tenille’s exact same hairdo (round brush, curling iron). But their children are sort of funny-looking, aren’t they?

    Happy V-Day (early). Love you!!!

  4. Java replied:

    SO SO SO SO glad you feel comfortable with this therapist!!!! that is so important for your treatment. I’m relieved, at least cautiously a little bit for a beginning. This sounds very positive, honey.
    My Captain and Tennille memory: In 9th grade I took Spanish. The Spanish teacher had a record (a 45 maybe?) of Captain and Tennille singing “Love Will Keep Us Together” in, duh, Spanish. She played that record every day before class started. Every F*CKING DAY! Ruined that song for me, and that’s the only thing I can remember about Captain and Tennille. ‘Bout the only thing I remember about Spanish, too, even though I can’t tell you any of the words in the Spanish version of the song. So sad.

  5. pakipoptart replied:

    This is going to take all the courage you have. I am so proud of you that you have gone forward with this. Even if it doesn’t meet your expectations, some good should come out of it.

  6. matty03 replied:

    Pants! Yes! The website is really cool! I need to further explore that link to the family in WA! I’ve only scratched the surface of that site!

    Do families read the bible together? …that is kind of creepy.

    I like it when you “over share” and I don’t think you’re “over-ing” it at all. But, I know it takes courage to share such private stuff. Thanks. And, yeah, my hope is really that she might be able to show me how to save myself because I’m not managing it very well anymore.

  7. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch! Same to you and thank you!

    Bagel has been sick since about 4am!!! Ugh! And, I can’t locate B! LOL! I’m typing this as if someone can hear me as I type! …I’ve lost it! lol!

  8. hot-lunch replied:

    oh no! hope u find B! Where was he at 4am? what’s wrong with Bagel??

  9. matty03 replied:

    Ing! See?!?!!? Indie book stores should have a book like this in stock!!! But, yes, I do support indie/local shops for local people. However, I secured my copy of this great book at SFMOMA — so, I feel it is like the same thing! Besides, I get a 20% off discount there as I am a member! Are you proud of me?

    Yes! C&T were a hot little couple! I sorta had a crush on the captain. tho, i think that was forever ruined by my mom’s sex education discussion using them as samples.

    You know, I can remember their babies’ names! The doggie on the left is “Elizabeth” and the doggie on the right is “Broderick”!!!! I wonder if they are both still with the C&T?

    Post a picture of yourself in that haircut from the 70’s! Your fans want to see it.

    Bagel is sick. She has thrown up 5 times since 4am. I’ve had an hour’s sleep thus far. Not cool. I can’t find B.

  10. matty03 replied:

    Java! Yeah, I feel really good about her. Am dreading the next appointment, tho. I think that is why I couldn’t sleep last night/today. That, and the fact that Bagel has been sick.

    Oh, I’d so love to have a copy of them singing Love Will Keep Us Together in Spanish! I’m sorry it ruined the song for you, tho.

    …and, thank you.

  11. matty03 replied:

    Pakipoptart — I figure it can’t be worse than what actually happened and it has just got to help me! Something has to give. I’m strong, but need all the positive vibes I can get!

    …and, Bagel is not well! Ugh! Where is B?!?!?! …In his meeting I suspect.

    reaching up and breathing…

    and, blogging. how odd is that?!?!?

  12. ginab replied:

    happy val day to you and B.

    my simple advice (I am glad you have a good therapist) is do your best at this turn to recognize your limits. for instance, I can’t walk into a house (like a house-house). And then, my aunt’s doesn’t count. On the whole, LARGELY, I can’t do it. And so, I won’t. Limit one. I realize I am free.

  13. matty03 replied:

    Gina! Hope you’re having a great day!

    Yes, I think I will have to face up to some limitations. I’m just not sure what those are as of yet. I’m not ready to restrict myself just yet — other than the things I am “temporarily” avoiding.

    I’m glad you’re free.

    I’m still trying to figure out what that means. The “free-er” I get the more confined I seem to become. But, it is probably the way I am looking at it. So and so…

    Sending a hug from here where the sun is bright and Bagel is alright! Just a stomach bug of some sort. Light diet and they gave her a fluids injection! ??? Poor Little Bagel!

  14. Krafty Bitch replied:

    Matty, dear, I’m so glad you found a therapist who gets you. I know how important that is. In fact, it is key, in my humble opinion.

    Hope dearest Bagel is filling better. A creature that cute and adorable should never feel blue. Guess that last sentence applies to both you and I as well. 😉

  15. Krafty Bitch replied:

    ps. I hope Bagel is feeling better, not filling better. Sometimes my fingers have a mind of their own.

  16. Old Cheeser replied:

    Glad that the therapy is going well Matty – you are so brave – and as everyone else has said, important that you feel comfortable with the therapist themself!

    Mmm I have a best of Captain and Tennille which I haven’t played for a while – deliciously cheesy! I seem to remember you doing a post on them ages ago and people writing about “Muskrat Love” etc? I think these were probably some of our first exchanges!

    They don’t make music any more do they?

  17. matty03 replied:

    Krafty Bitch! …You know, I’ve heard that about your fingers! lol! Thank you! And, YES! Bagel is feeling much better — in fact she decided to simply not show any signs of being sick when we got to the vet. Typical Bagel behavior! kisses!

  18. matty03 replied:

    Cool Old Cheeser! You know, I do think that might have been we started reading each other’s blogs! Yeah, you have to find a therapist that can understand you — or manage to make a connection. Anyway, I really like her and am feeling like it might be the magic fit! Fingers crossed!

    And, YES! They are still working! …However, not as the “Captain & Tennille” — now, the focus is all on Toni Tennille who has developed quite a following in the US for her big band and jazz recordings. …I believe all of which are produced and arranged by her husband, The Captain!!! They are still married and in total Muskrat Love according to all reports. …I think that is so cool.

    Also, Ms. Tennille has established a fairly solid career as a comedic and musical actress —- that started when she took over for Julie Andrews in the Broadway musical of Victor Victoria.

    That is my official update on the Captain & Tennille! lol!

  19. Kris replied:

    Glad to hear the therapy went well, and you found one that you seem to be getting along with 😀 Hugs Matty!! Like you tell me, hang in there! I checked out the LTLYM site and might do some later on… Hugs

  20. matty03 replied:

    Kris! Thank you! I will. I always do. lol!

    Isn’t that a cool site?!?!?!?

  21. Steve replied:

    Happy Belated Valentine’s! Did your dog get my Valentine’s dog bisquit?

  22. matty03 replied:

    Steve! Thank you! No, Little Bagel has not yet received her bisquit. Did you send her one?

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