REJECTED PRESS RELEASE FOLLOWING BATHROOM FALL!


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
MATTY STANFIELD TAKES A FALL IN BATHROOM AND LAYS ON THE FLOOR CONFUSED
2008 – 1 – 31 WEST OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA USA

Currently disabled, confused but disarmingly dreamy former office management executive states that while he is still fucked up and suffering with an ear infection (currently under treatment of HMO doctor) is in good state of physical health following an odd fall in his tiny bathroom.

Mr. Stanfield confirmed he was “OK” to no one in particular Wednesday morning in a statement posted to his blog. Mr. Stanfield has noted that he did discuss the matter at length with Little Bagel, the Stanfield-B pet Shih-Tzu puppy. Bagel had been crying and pawing on the other side of the closed bathroom door after hearing one of her daddies take a tumble.

Stanfield, who prefers to be called by the nickname “Matty” noted that he was getting ready to embark on a ride into the lovely city of San Francisco to meet up with his husband, B, for lunch and then a possible visit to the dollar bins at a cool record store Matty frequents — when he was over come with the need to clean the bathroom sink.

Matty discussed the fact that his desire to clean the bathroom sink rose from an odd constellation of events: Mr. Stanfield woke up too early due to the “beautiful and amazing sunlight which was filing the loft” and felt this might have contributed to the upsetting incident.

Matty has confirmed that he was playing his vinyl copy of Devendra Banhart’s “Cripple Crow” when he decided to cuddle with Bagle on the sofa. Matty suspects he drifted off to sleep at some point mid-cuddle. Following an odd mixture of the normal horrible trauma dreams and an equaling traumatic erotic dream involving his husband, B, and lame comedian/actor Dane Cooke, Matty woke up “with a start!” and got up.

Matty noted that all drugs he takes are prescribed by a psychiatrist of some note.

Matty’s desire to clean the sink started at approximately 9:00 AM USA West Coast time. Matty confirmed that he was quite relieved that he did not allow Bagel to enter the bathroom at the time of the attempted cleaning.

To the best of his recollection, Matty started to feel confused, dizzy, disoriented and light-headed before he even began to clean the sink. Matty remembers trying to hold on to the top of the toilet, but stated that this didn’t seem “to the trick” required. Matty refused to answer any direct questions from Little Bagel, but did state that the next thing he knew he was on the floor looking at the bottom of the bathtub. Matty could hear Bagel crying and clawing at the other side of the door. Matty also made mention of a fallen towel breaking his fall which spared his head from any injury.

Upon getting up, Matty stated that he felt somewhat less normal than his normally very abnormal feeling self of late.

Matty confirmed to Bagel that he did consider phoning B or Ing for a few minutes. Tho, he felt that might be “silly over-kill”

And, after holding Bagel and listening to the comforting strain of Devendra Banhart, he started to feel better. Not quite up to “conquering the world or running a sprint down the street” but Matty confirmed he felt much better.

Before embarking on his BART journey to The City, Matty stated that he did change his clothing as he did not trust the tidiness of the bathroom floor. Matty is looking forward to a Diet Coke and the warm sunlight mingling with the sweetly sea breeze tinged air of the Bay in San Francisco. He could not remember the actual name of the bay but was fairly certain that the cause of this memory lapse and restroom tumble should all be blamed on Dane Cooke.

“In fact,” Matty added “I think all bad things should be blamed on Dane Cooke. When will the madness end!?!?!”

Bagel refused official comment, but seemed optimistic that her Daddy would have a nice day once he got out of the house. It was clear she was most appreciative that Matty had given her a piece of ice with which to lick and play.

Matty did ask that someone inform Dane Cooke that he “just better” stay out of his dreams and stay clear of his B or there will most certainly “be trouble” Bagel seemed to want to add something. At first it was believed that she was concerned that Matty was turning into Britney, Bitch. However, as it turned out, she was most likely worried that Matty would pick up the fallen towel as she was looking forward to taking a nap – or possibly even a wee on it.

END.

…everyone should have a copy of “Cripple Crow” by Devendra Banhart. really. everyone should rush out and buy and or download it at once! …except for Dane Cooke who should just stop it. Matty was heard screaming, “Dane Cooke! Just go away! You’re not wanted here! And, take that Jessica Simpson and her sister as well! Don’t like ’em! Don’t trust either of ’em!” Matty was then see to kick a pole and attempt a conversation with a tree. No one noticed.

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January 30, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized.

25 Comments

  1. Dessie replied:

    Wow… Dane Cooke is hot. Why have I never seen this man before? Not even on Famousmales?

  2. johnmichael replied:

    I hope you’re okay!

  3. matty03 replied:

    Dessie! No! I’m tellin’ ya — I think he is just a few more beer busts and tail gate parties till he triples in size! At least, this is what I am telling myself! He can’t have B! No! Plus, I think he might be a really stupid str8 guy!

  4. matty03 replied:

    I by that I mean non-ivy league frat boy aged 30 something!!! …not pretty.

    Tho, B was a frat boy — but at Brown. So, that spares him. Plus he was in the closet!

  5. matty03 replied:

    johnmichael! Oh, thank you. I’m ok. Just one of those things I guess. I think I need more sleep.

    And, we must stop this Dane Cooke person!!!

  6. Dessie replied:

    I’m sorry Matty but I find myself drawn to him like a filthy moth to a very rough flame.

  7. matty03 replied:

    Dessie – Well, if you must know. If you secure a copy of the “unrated” US version of GOOD LUCK CHUCK — which is painfully bad —- the special features contains a “Deleted Sex Matrix” of him grinding into poor unsuspecting girls with fake boobs. …but, be advised, they digitized his “member” from the matrix. I suspect it was just too small to actually show.

    I think this Matrix trigger’d my insecurities about my weight and this is why I had the nightmare of he and B doin’ the nasty!

  8. hot-lunch replied:

    Gosh I hate it when that happens when I’m trying to clean the bathroom sink! Don’t get me started with what takes place when I’m scrubbing the toilet!!!

    In other news, Hot Lunch is very glad that Matty is okay and that a towel broke his fall. “Thank God for that towel!” exclaimed Hot Lunch, out loud at his desk at work, while his coworkers continued to ignore him.

  9. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch! I know! Actually, I think I’d like to know what happens when you scrbu the tiolet! Do you have any pictures?!?!?!

    …Are you wearing clothes?

    Anyway, thank you! And, yes! I’m so glad for the towel and relieved it wasn’t Little Bagel who broke the fall. I fear that would have broken Little Bagel!

  10. ing replied:

    Is this a result of dieting?!? It better not be!

  11. anita replied:

    So glad you weren’t hurt! Just got back on line & checked your blog. Computer problems! I can tell Bagel has grown when I look at the picture of B holding him. it seems despite all odds you are still having some fun and enjoying friends and life. You Go Kid! Much love and good wishes to you, B, Bagel and Ing!
    Anita

  12. matty03 replied:

    Ing! So cute that you would think I’m dieting! LOL! No. I think I was going on too little sleep and should have caught my breath after such a horrible nightmare. I sort of bolted off the sofa.

  13. matty03 replied:

    Anita! I was going to call you today, but things just didn’t work out that way and now it is too late to call you. Will try to catch you tomorrow.

    And, um, Bagel is a girl.

    I just told her that you thought she was a boy and she is really devastated. Tsk. Tsk.

    Oh, yeah. We’ll make it. Came this far. No turning back. No matter what other big ass ugly shoe is going to drop from the sky.

  14. ing replied:

    Please don’t kick my pole. It gets me lots of good tips at the club. My bread & butter.

  15. Old Cheeser replied:

    Good boy cleaning the sink but sorry to hear about the accident. Still as the others say at least you had a towel to protect you. Glad you’re okay now.

    Joanna Eberhart would be proud of you (get the reference, dude?)

  16. matty03 replied:

    Cool Old Cheeser! Yes! I do get the reference! Are you impressed?!?!? And, yes! Thank goodness for towels to break the fall! …the sink has still not been cleaned.

    (sigh)

  17. Pants replied:

    Oh, Matty, Matt, MATT! I want to give you a big giant hug…and hold your arm while you walk. I hope you’re doing better!

    Though I do believe you’re onto something with your Dane Cook = evil analogy. I’m not sure how, but I’m pretty sure I had terrible cramps because of him and it’s snowing too much…also his bloody fault. Why do people like him? Oh yeah, because people are fucking dumb!

    Ahem, cheerio then!

    xoxo,

    Pants

  18. pakipoptart replied:

    matty I’m concerned about you because this is your second fall in a week right? Is this side effect of one of your meds? Can you switch to another one with less dizzy effects? I’m just worried that if this continues you may have a more serious tumble and I don’t want that to happen.

  19. hot-lunch replied:

    Yes thank goodness Little Bagel was alright and that you always close the door when you go number two (or “clean the sink” as you like to call it)!

  20. Dirky-do replied:

    This is troubling! I think that you need to have your meds reevaluated…it sure doesn’t seem that you’re getting the best of care from the HMO…we, your fans, do so worry about you!

  21. matty03 replied:

    Ing! I would never kick YOUR pole! My tips have been falling off. Can we switch poles?

    Pants! Thank you! Maybe I will get one of those walkers with tennis balls on the two front legs. I could start a trend. …well, maybe not. Damn that Dane Cooke! We need to form a committee! Yes, sadly — most people are stupid.

  22. matty03 replied:

    Pakipoptart! I’m worried, too. I’m sort of caught in a corner, tho. I need the meds and I need a second opinion. Securing a therapist has turned out to be quite a challenge but messages are pending with two psychologists and one psychiatrist. So, soon. My doctor thought this last fall (which was really me blacking out/passing out was most likely caused by a combination of getting up too fast from a horrible nightmare and possibly being a bit dehydrated. ? Who knows. …It will get figured out soon and hopefully before I fall on Bagel.

    Hot Lunch!!!!! I don’t go number two! Ask anyone! I don’t need to pooh! I’m above that sort of thing! No, I closed the door to keep her away from the cleaning products! When I wee, I close the door for privacy. Actually, I’m quite cute when I wee. Ask anyone! Well, anyone who has had the pleasure of watching me wee!

  23. matty03 replied:

    Dirky-do! LOL! No, I agree! Let’s hope we get that second opinion and start therapy by next week!!!! Fingers crossed! And, thank you!

  24. Steve replied:

    Me thinks Bagel weeed on the floor and you slipped on it. Or maybe it was a mini-me bagel poo? 😛 Glad you’re alright.

  25. matty03 replied:

    Steve! You’ve returned! Hope you’re feeling better, my friend! No. Actually, Little Miss Bagel is very good about wee’ing on her wee pads and her tiny poohs are always on or quite near the pads!

    The doctor said I needed to catch my breath after one of these horror dreams I get …and drink more water. ?

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