THE VOICE OF BAGEL

As B and I were driving around the city of Oakland, I commented that while I would like to imagine that Bagel would have the voice of Shirley Temple if given a human voice. However, I suspect that she would most likely have the voice of diesel dyke if given a voice.

B disagreed. “Bagel would never sound like Shirley Temple and I can’t see Bagel being a very respectable lesbian.”

He thought about it. And, without much more than a minute stated:

“No. I think Bagel would have the voice of Valerie Perrine.”

Such a random thought and assignment of voice could only mean one thing: Bagel would have the voice of one, Miss. Valerie Perrine. ….If she had a human voice. specialtymag999900358079magazinebc.jpg In fact, I’m almost certain she would have the voice of a too-many-cigarettes-and-whiskey-big-boob’d-model. I just hope she would have the good sense NOT to agree to appear in splashy Village People film musical directed by Nancy Walker. cant-stop-the-music-789591.jpg No, Bagel is far to smart to make that sort of error.

If Bagel could speak and she sounded like Valerie Perrine — requests to play “catch” would take on a whole new meaning that I don’t even like to think about!

December 10, 2007. Uncategorized. 27 comments.

SEXY-UGLY

When I think about it I realize that there are few things I will not blog about when it comes to me, but there are a few things I try not to blog about:

1. Work
2. Personal Matters Intimately Involving Others Close To Me
3. Carol Channing (that would just be rude and unnecessary!) OK, I admit to writing about Ms. Channing from time-to-time as it can be quite hard to avoid, but I do my best to never mention her or upload her image.

One of my dearest friends — well, actually, a member of my family, lost someone very close to him. One of those losses that one never gets over, but learns to accept and move forward over the course of time. And, it always hurts to see a loved one hurting.

So, I’ve fallen even further into the land of escape these last couple of days as this friend had to leave town for a few days. Yes, I’ve fallen into one of those unholy cinematic pits we call HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN
— and I’ve loved every tacky minute of it!

Now, for the very few of you who may not be aware of this cinematic error so far off the mark that it hits a level of entertainment one must embrace, it was filmed in 1990 and released in 1991 and no one noticed. It was beyond a flop. …But, I loved it!

I believe it was in KISSING JESSICA STEIN that I first heard the phrase “sexy-ugly” and it ringed so true to me. Some of the sexiest men are the ones that hover between being really gross out dirty and totally lip-smacking hot! Like, say, Gary Oldman or Harvey Kietel. While there was once a time when Mickey Rourke was considered a real piece of male beauty he quickly fell into the “sexy-ugly” category. Most likely this was due to excessive partying and too much boxing! Don Johnson was always pretty, but he became very uncool by the time this movie was filmed and has since slipped into a sort of odd place of looking like a golf playing lesbian. But, in this film, he was most certainly “sexy-ugly” if for no other reason than it appeared that the dirt on Mr. Rourke had rub’d off and both were in need of a bath.

…But, who wouldn’t have wanted to give them that bath back then?!?!!?!? …I mean, here is a photo of Mickey Rourke taken for Playgirl at the time HARELY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN was released! …Someone has been a very, very bad boy and you have to kind of like that! However, one too many fights and a few too many attempts at re-structuring of the checks is starting to show. No longer pretty — Mr. Rourke had officially become “sexy-ugly” and one couldn’t help but suspect that his man-scent might be leaking off the page. Still, I must confess that I still find him hot. Even in his recent mug shot from driving his moped while under the influence. Not even cool anymore — oh, and he lost all of his upper teeth from boxing. If you watch the special features of ANGEL HEART
(a movie in which he was still quite pretty but probably starting to smell) one can watch him in present day pop out his dentures! I’m not really all that ashamed to admit that a few sick and dirty thoughts did cross my mind. I know! Gross! But, true. Hey, I’m only being honest!

Anyway, I think HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN was intended for a str8 male demographic ages 12 to 90. Viewing it, however, it seems quite clear that the only true demographic for this “so bad it’s pretty darn fun/good” movie are gay men and women with nothing else to do but eat pizza and watch a fun movie! Plot, you ask? Well, the filmmakers thought it would “way cool” to set this film into the future! …all the way into 1996! Now, that is visionary cinema for you! So, it is 1996, a large segment of Hollywood has been turned into an airport and people are taking a highly addictive drug that is quite pretty. For some reason, even tho, we only get to see the drug in bags — just as well as we are told one must put the pretty blue chunks into the eye to get the best high since The Big H!
Anyway, our two boys may be on the wrong side of the road when it comes to robbing banks but they “ain’t no dope dealers!” — so you can imagine how upset they get when they discover that the bank car that they just held up had no money but just a lot of this silly drug of the future 90’s! And, then they get really pissed off when one of the lesser Baldwins (Daniel!) and his group of very gay looking gym rat boys kill their best buds! Vanessa Williams is also hanging about singing a few songs —- OK, now come on! What str8 guy is going to want to watch Vanessa Williams sing two songs?!!? There is some silly female nudity, but the real eye candy is left to our two boys.

Now Harley and Marlboro are pals who share hotel rooms and offer to hold hands as they jump off Vegas hotels into swimming pools and who tend to look into each other’s eyes longer than is required but they are totally straight! OK? They are straight dudes, man! Straight dudes who enjoy listening to Vanessa Williams and who are more interested in their clothing than all the dames roaming about in the background. I mean, the only reason that neither is taken by some beautiful woman is because one is married to his bike and the other is married to the rodeo.

It is an action movie without much action, but loads of comedy — some intended and some of pure bad filmmaking decisions. I’m sorry I haven’t more pix of Don Johnson to share with you but it appears he has tried to remove all stills of himself in this movie from the Internet. Too bad — as he looks really Eagles-like good in it! And, he has some nice fairly close to nude moments in bed with an actress called Chelsea Field. But, there are plenty out there of Mickey! I don’t even know if Mr. Rourke knows how to use the Internet. There are certainly some interesting pictures out there to be seen.

Anyway, Mickey Rourke has blamed this particular film for many if not most of his personal and professional problems he is still working through. Hard to believe that — everyone on screen seems to be having so much fun! I know I enjoy watching it!

If you’re a gay boy or str8 girl with a pizza, some ice-cream and a DVD player — this is one well worth the rental. …If you ask me. And, if you’ve a taste for “sexy-ugly”

Oh, and the costume designer for this movie, Richard Shissler, should think about suing the makers of THE MATRIX as The Baldwin’s gang is wearing the exact “uniform” as sported by Keanu and team in MATRIX! …and this was 1990!
God bless the “sexy-ugly’s” of the world and thanks for HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN!

December 7, 2007. Uncategorized. 21 comments.

THE HOLLYWOOD PITCH!!!

As I rode MUNI today trying to ignore the crack whore was was trying to use the trolley car rod for a pole and the other passenger who was egging on her on by giving her change as attempted to gyrate. The frat boys were enjoying it at her sad expense. However, said crack whore seemed more than happy. I just tried to hold my breath to avoid the body odor. Anyway, as this was happening my mind naturally drifted to Britney Spears. Lazy stripping always makes me think of Ms. Spears.

Which led me to thinking about my own ideas which I feel would make for some hot movie action!

Normally I would reserve these ideas for my meeting with either Tom or Suri but I am feeling generous and want to possibly share that moment in the Hollywood sun with someone else so here are a few ideas for movies which should most definitely be pursued — and, besides – Tom is planning on having Suri commune with Malibu bark this week.

1. Untitled Product for Old Actress (read 35 to 40) …Maybe Jennifer Garner. And, yes, I know Julia is desperate for a good role — but I just feel she is a bit too old for the part! And, don’t even go there with Nicole!

Caring mother of 3 discovers she has some fatal disease which will kill her in less than a month. It is that disease that eats away everything inside of you but leaves you looking absolutely transplendent till the very bitter end — which, naturally will be in a comfy bed at home — true, the actress’ hair will need to be a bit messed up in the final scene but that will only add to the authenticity of it all.

Anyway, the estranged husband has fallen in love with a great woman who can be played by a middle aged actress (read 25 to 32) — Maybe Jessica Simpson? Note: Who ever plays the girlfriend should be introduced by giving the dad a patriotic strip tease to lighten his spirits when he finds out his ex-wife is dying of a movie disease. Oh, and the girlfriend bonds with the kids by teaching the girls to properly apply make-up and kissing the little boy on the checks when he asks if he is as handsome as his dad.

The dad has lost touch with the 3 kids — a troubled-on-the -verge-of-sexual-promiscuity-15 year old, an all-knowing-and-and deeply-smart-12 year old girl and a so-cute-you-kind-of-wanna-kill-him 5 year old boy. The father should be played by someone really hot. Anyone hot and under 65.

Teary scenes in the kitchen, some heated arguments in school parking lots, revelations galore and a great scene in which all the characters resolve their problems by lip syncing to some cheezzzy old song which the divorced parents listened to when they were in love. All the girls use brushes for microphones, the dad will use a fork and the little boy will use a stick of celery.

Dying mom and kids play a hilarious prank on the mean old lady (read 45 to 50) neighbor (Amy Sedaris would be a bit of dream casting because she has a cool factor and is old) which totally melts all the ice between children and mom — at they all cry and laugh and Amy Sedaris lays in a vat of chocolate pudding that the kids set up to drop on her head — the mom gets a sharp pain. She dies within the next few minutes.

Bette Midler sings the theme song. Penny Marshall should probably direct.

Oh! But, very important sub-plot — kids discover that their estranged dad is actually kind of cool because he is not really a dull business man. No, he is a top secret agent. Big ass car explosion in the old lady (read an Amy Sedaris type) neighbor’s driveway. Kathleen Turner might be able to play the old lady neighbor if they can get her to look a little younger and less fat. Tho, I fear she is probably far too old by Hollywood standards. Amy is a better fit as she is just old and not elderly. One must be cautious about making too much fun of the elderly! Anyway, no one gets hurt, but the neighbor gets stuck in her tree. Amy could do this scene really well!

Create a catch phrase for this neighbor character whenever something bad happens to her as a result of the kids!

Big hit for Christmas I should think!

Also, there is my dream project: A cool SF urban hipster dude is followed by a kid from Walnut Creek — the kid trips and hits his head on a cool art object d’art in Union Square. When he wakes up he forgets who he is and somehow ends up with the hipster’s man purse — the kid tries to figure out who is he and is thrown by the Hello Kitty dildo in the murse! An evil Mission Hipster is after the dildo and is willing to kill for it. The SF Urban Hipster runs into the kid’s misfit old mom (read 35 to 40) and they work together to find the kid who has taken a job as a stripper at The Nob Hill Theatre.
Hilarity and confusion ensues.

I call this project: DESPERATELY SEEKING MATTY! I think Heath Ledger would be great as Matty — NOTE: Important that that the producers ensure he bathes and speaks clearly in the role. No mumbling about!

…would be way cool if Kylie could sing the theme song, but Danni is more likely to take this gig. Bette Midler could maybe play the misfit mom if we re-write for her to be the misfit grandma. I see that oddly surgically enhanced boy from the High School Musicals in the role of the boy with amnesia. Zac something, I think. Actually, he might be able to sing the theme song!

Would be totally cool if Lily Allen could play the ticket girl at Nob Hill Theatre who develops a crush on Zac —- we just need to make sure she stays a little fat (read size 4)

Big hit for summer.

Well, those are my ideas for a couple of hit Hollywood movies. If budget is a problem we could just make a movie about a gay guy coming out.

December 5, 2007. Uncategorized. 15 comments.

falling

It’s those few seconds — the ones right as your feet leave you and something almost primal in you realizes you’re actually about to lose that grip.

You know that you are falling.

Then there are those few seconds as you began to fall that all those thoughts run through your mind — some silly, maybe a couple are of profound origin and then others are quite real:

“Can I catch myself before my ass hits the pavement?”
“Do I let the iPod go to cover my head?”
“Am I going to fall down those stairs or will I be able to catch myself on one of them?”
“Oh shit. Stay loose! Watch the neck! Am I going to break my neck?”
“I’m going to look like such an asshole!”
“Am I really falling?”
“Don’t land on your face!”
“Don’t drop the iPod!”
“Turn but don’t twist!”
“I can smell vomit are my knees going to land into homeless vomit?”
“Jesus! Don’t land on your back! Turn to your side!”
“Is there anyone behind me?”
“Please don’t let anyone see me!”
“Maybe I can catch myself on the railing and I won’t actually fall!”
“No, I will just look like a real dork!”
“Oh, fuck! There goes the iPod!”
“Don’t let anybody steal the iPod!”

And, then your mind sort of clears. You fall. And, somewhere in your mind — you wonder what sort of injury you could sustain as a result. But, all you can do is just let it happen.

In this case you land on your knees and then sort of bounce down three cement steps. Luckily, you land right near the iPod and you’re head and back have not touched the ground like last week.

The iPod is still playing so that is a good sign. Your face feels flushed. Did anyone see you fall?

And, then you hear two voices:

“Are you OK?”
“Here take my hand!”

And, of course two gorgeous Castro boys are helping you up. You feel the total idiot. And, no, you’re not “on the market” and you’re not interested — but you don’t want to look like an old ass to two hot boys.

Then, they both flirt with you. One asks if you need a cup of coffee. You smile. Thank them both. Decline the coffee. Ramble on about being glad you didn’t land in the homeless vomit not too far down the stairs. Awkward laughing.

As with all non-danger falls — there is a great deal of awkwardness. You try to walk quickly away pretending that you’ve got it all together.

But, you’ve fallen down. You move forward. One foot in front of the other realizing that walking is really just falling but catching yourself just in time with each step.

And, you pause to ponder if you first heard that idea expressed by Laurie Anderson or William Bourroughs.
…And, you’re just not sure. But, it was probably Ms. Anderson.

Falling down is easy. It’s getting up that is the real challenge.

I’m trying my best to get up every day.

Lucky for me, I seem to only actually fall down about once a week. Of course, that is a whole other story.

December 4, 2007. Uncategorized. 19 comments.

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