As B and I were driving around the city of Oakland, I commented that while I would like to imagine that Bagel would have the voice of Shirley Temple if given a human voice. However, I suspect that she would most likely have the voice of diesel dyke if given a voice.

B disagreed. “Bagel would never sound like Shirley Temple and I can’t see Bagel being a very respectable lesbian.”

He thought about it. And, without much more than a minute stated:

“No. I think Bagel would have the voice of Valerie Perrine.”

Such a random thought and assignment of voice could only mean one thing: Bagel would have the voice of one, Miss. Valerie Perrine. ….If she had a human voice. specialtymag999900358079magazinebc.jpg In fact, I’m almost certain she would have the voice of a too-many-cigarettes-and-whiskey-big-boob’d-model. I just hope she would have the good sense NOT to agree to appear in splashy Village People film musical directed by Nancy Walker. cant-stop-the-music-789591.jpg No, Bagel is far to smart to make that sort of error.

If Bagel could speak and she sounded like Valerie Perrine — requests to play “catch” would take on a whole new meaning that I don’t even like to think about!


December 10, 2007. Uncategorized.


  1. littlebagel replied:

    Oh, Mr. Matty, if only you had better ears. I am always speaking to you, but you just don’t hear me. Which is why I had to take matters into my own hands and type you this note. Someday soon I will play you and Mr. B that concerto I’ve been composing in your honor. If I sing, will you hear me? Will you sing along with me, Mr. Matty?

  2. matty03 replied:

    Little Bagel …if you must type on my laptop I simply must require that you not chew on the electrical cable! I fear it could hurt you! Is this really you or is this your Auntie Ing With The Boobs?

  3. joe replied:

    bagel is cute!!!! but is she a montreal bagel? a new york bagel? store bought no-name brand bagel? oh how I wish I had some cream cheese right now!

    so cute! oh you guys are cute too.

  4. André McFarlane replied:

    Matty, I love your dog, but I love you more! You’re a hot one!


  5. Pants replied:

    100% in love with Bagel, no matter how she sounds!

  6. johnmichael replied:

    Huh! I thought I was the only one who tried to imagine what human sounding voices pets would have!!

  7. pakipoptart replied:

    Those pictures are so adorable! Forget Shirley Temple–what about Karen Carpenter?

  8. matty03 replied:

    Joe! I think Bagel comes from Utah — however she is pretty much a ghetto fabulous shih-tzu now. She likes her bling and is known to get her groove on.

    There will be no cream cheesing of Bagel, please.

  9. Amanda replied:

    I reckon she may sound like Maggie Simpson if we ever get to hear that! 🙂

  10. matty03 replied:

    Andre! Oh, wow! You’re Minge! I only just got that! I’m so smart it hurts! Thank you! I love you, too! And, you’re the hot one, mister!

    Pants! Awwww! I will let her know! She is easy to love, but I might have second thoughts if she had the voice of Ethel Merman. That would be most worrying!

  11. matty03 replied:

    johnmichael! No, you’re not alone! I often imagine this with a number of various animals! Pigeons mostly.

  12. matty03 replied:

    Pakipoptart! Wow! If Bagel sounded like Karen Carpenter I’d put her in a cage and make her sing all the day long! …but no food! No food!

  13. matty03 replied:

    Amanda! Hmmmm… Maggie Simpson. Is that the voice that used to be Rhoda’s sister? Or is that Marge Simpson?!!? I don’t think I know what Maggie Simpson sounds like — I will have to do a search on youtube and figure it out!

    …right now she sounds like an excited little puppy who needs some attention! I better go throw the ball!

  14. Amanda replied:

    As long as she ain’t that breathless babyish Mrs Banderas!!

  15. matty03 replied:

    Amanda! Oh! If Bagel sounded like Melanie Griffith that would be painful! I know she would never sound like that!

  16. ing replied:

    Marilyn Monroe.

  17. matty03 replied:

    Ing! You know, the other night, when the lights were dimmed, I could have sworn that Bagel was barking something, “Happy Birthday, Missssssster Preeeessssssident” …but, I can’t be totally sure.

    One never knows.

  18. scarlet hip replied:

    Stop it! She might sound like Valerie Perrine when she talked, but if Bagel sang, she would sound like …

    wait for it…

    … Goldfrapp!!!

  19. matty03 replied:

    Scarlet Hip! Oh! Would that not be glitter-fantastic!!!?!?!?!

    I had wanted to name her Goldfrapp but it sounded odd — Bagel sounded better for a cute puppy. She does enjoy the Supernature LP, tho! …the first Goldfrapp makes her bark and run in circles. I think it is the yodeling.

  20. ing replied:

    Would you please tell Bagel to stop hacking into my account?!

    Come to think of it, she does sound a little like Alison Goldfrapp. . .

  21. matty03 replied:

    Ing — I will tell her, but you know how she is! Of course, Miss. S would not know because she has never met Bagel. Tho, pending any emergency organ transplants, I do believe Miss S plans to meet her this Saturday evening!

    …perhaps you can help me train Bagel to not run in circles and bark when the real Alison Goldfrapp yodels on the first Goldfrapp CD! It is most annoying!

    I can’t wait to show you my record collection!!!!

  22. William Shakespeare replied:

    I am neither Sir Francis Bacon or the talented Miss S, but I can most assuredly assure you that Miss S will have the pleasure of meeting Miss Bagel this Saturday. How do I know? I hopped into my time machine and watched it unfold!

    I will be using this famous meeting of the minds as the basis for my newest and most famous fourteenth century play!

  23. matty03 replied:

    Sir Shakespeare! Wow! Color me impressed! Now, will you be falling in love? If so, please be sure to do so with either Miss S, Ing or Alan. Both B and I are very taken. …of course, were you to fall in love with B it would result in some confusing hilarity suitable for a Weinstein Brother production! No tragedy, please!

  24. scarlet hip replied:

    Can Shakespeare hop me into his time machine and fly me on out there this Saturday night? Now that would be fabu.

  25. matty03 replied:

    Scarlet Hip! Oh, I hope he can! That would be most cool!!!!! …and, yes, fabu!

  26. karyn replied:

    Matty – you. Look. AMAZING.

    Holy crap.


    And as a Hetero, I hope that doesn’t offend you. But Christ.

    You look fantastic.

  27. matty03 replied:

    Karyn! You are so very sweet! Thank you!!!! You made my week! …and, no, why would that EVER offend me?!?!? Flattery will get you everywhere! LOL!

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