THE HOLLYWOOD PITCH!!!

As I rode MUNI today trying to ignore the crack whore was was trying to use the trolley car rod for a pole and the other passenger who was egging on her on by giving her change as attempted to gyrate. The frat boys were enjoying it at her sad expense. However, said crack whore seemed more than happy. I just tried to hold my breath to avoid the body odor. Anyway, as this was happening my mind naturally drifted to Britney Spears. Lazy stripping always makes me think of Ms. Spears.

Which led me to thinking about my own ideas which I feel would make for some hot movie action!

Normally I would reserve these ideas for my meeting with either Tom or Suri but I am feeling generous and want to possibly share that moment in the Hollywood sun with someone else so here are a few ideas for movies which should most definitely be pursued — and, besides – Tom is planning on having Suri commune with Malibu bark this week.

1. Untitled Product for Old Actress (read 35 to 40) …Maybe Jennifer Garner. And, yes, I know Julia is desperate for a good role — but I just feel she is a bit too old for the part! And, don’t even go there with Nicole!

Caring mother of 3 discovers she has some fatal disease which will kill her in less than a month. It is that disease that eats away everything inside of you but leaves you looking absolutely transplendent till the very bitter end — which, naturally will be in a comfy bed at home — true, the actress’ hair will need to be a bit messed up in the final scene but that will only add to the authenticity of it all.

Anyway, the estranged husband has fallen in love with a great woman who can be played by a middle aged actress (read 25 to 32) — Maybe Jessica Simpson? Note: Who ever plays the girlfriend should be introduced by giving the dad a patriotic strip tease to lighten his spirits when he finds out his ex-wife is dying of a movie disease. Oh, and the girlfriend bonds with the kids by teaching the girls to properly apply make-up and kissing the little boy on the checks when he asks if he is as handsome as his dad.

The dad has lost touch with the 3 kids — a troubled-on-the -verge-of-sexual-promiscuity-15 year old, an all-knowing-and-and deeply-smart-12 year old girl and a so-cute-you-kind-of-wanna-kill-him 5 year old boy. The father should be played by someone really hot. Anyone hot and under 65.

Teary scenes in the kitchen, some heated arguments in school parking lots, revelations galore and a great scene in which all the characters resolve their problems by lip syncing to some cheezzzy old song which the divorced parents listened to when they were in love. All the girls use brushes for microphones, the dad will use a fork and the little boy will use a stick of celery.

Dying mom and kids play a hilarious prank on the mean old lady (read 45 to 50) neighbor (Amy Sedaris would be a bit of dream casting because she has a cool factor and is old) which totally melts all the ice between children and mom — at they all cry and laugh and Amy Sedaris lays in a vat of chocolate pudding that the kids set up to drop on her head — the mom gets a sharp pain. She dies within the next few minutes.

Bette Midler sings the theme song. Penny Marshall should probably direct.

Oh! But, very important sub-plot — kids discover that their estranged dad is actually kind of cool because he is not really a dull business man. No, he is a top secret agent. Big ass car explosion in the old lady (read an Amy Sedaris type) neighbor’s driveway. Kathleen Turner might be able to play the old lady neighbor if they can get her to look a little younger and less fat. Tho, I fear she is probably far too old by Hollywood standards. Amy is a better fit as she is just old and not elderly. One must be cautious about making too much fun of the elderly! Anyway, no one gets hurt, but the neighbor gets stuck in her tree. Amy could do this scene really well!

Create a catch phrase for this neighbor character whenever something bad happens to her as a result of the kids!

Big hit for Christmas I should think!

Also, there is my dream project: A cool SF urban hipster dude is followed by a kid from Walnut Creek — the kid trips and hits his head on a cool art object d’art in Union Square. When he wakes up he forgets who he is and somehow ends up with the hipster’s man purse — the kid tries to figure out who is he and is thrown by the Hello Kitty dildo in the murse! An evil Mission Hipster is after the dildo and is willing to kill for it. The SF Urban Hipster runs into the kid’s misfit old mom (read 35 to 40) and they work together to find the kid who has taken a job as a stripper at The Nob Hill Theatre.
Hilarity and confusion ensues.

I call this project: DESPERATELY SEEKING MATTY! I think Heath Ledger would be great as Matty — NOTE: Important that that the producers ensure he bathes and speaks clearly in the role. No mumbling about!

…would be way cool if Kylie could sing the theme song, but Danni is more likely to take this gig. Bette Midler could maybe play the misfit mom if we re-write for her to be the misfit grandma. I see that oddly surgically enhanced boy from the High School Musicals in the role of the boy with amnesia. Zac something, I think. Actually, he might be able to sing the theme song!

Would be totally cool if Lily Allen could play the ticket girl at Nob Hill Theatre who develops a crush on Zac —- we just need to make sure she stays a little fat (read size 4)

Big hit for summer.

Well, those are my ideas for a couple of hit Hollywood movies. If budget is a problem we could just make a movie about a gay guy coming out.

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December 5, 2007. Uncategorized.

15 Comments

  1. ing replied:

    Wow, Zac looks kind of like my yoga teacher, Jehfree (who’s a really great teacher, by the way!).

    Could you pitch something about a yoga teacher who tries to introduce Cindi Lauper music into his yoga routine, and the evil gym owner, played by someone authoritative but old enough to be evil like Arnold S or Sylvester Stallone, tries to thwart him, saying one can only do yoga to the sounds of wind chimes and Enya, but the wacky old ladies in his class (Renee Zellwiger is chubby and therefore wacky, but I can’t think of anyone old, because the old ones aren’t much in the media. . . Drew Barrymore?) band together on his behalf and rally the young folk, and they create an interpretive yoga dance about the evils of corporate manipulation and win the hearts of everyone in the surrounding neighborhood, and it’s all resolved when the members shut down the street and have a roller skating party? And Stallone gets a pie thrown in his face? And Renee and Drew lose weight in the process and become attractive to a couple of men who’ve come to town for a business conference – Danny DeVito and John Travolta – and in the end there’s a double wedding on yoga mats?

    Oy, pitching is tough. Can you fix it up for me?

  2. joe replied:

    can I be an executive producer? I always wanted to be a sleazy Hollywood money raiser.

    or maybe the best boy? because, you know, I’m the best.

  3. karyn replied:

    Guy, that sounds a lot like Stepmom. Maybe you meant it to.

    Either way, it’s depressing that I’m in the “old actress” age group now.

    And Kathleen Turner looks ROUGH! WOW! If you hadn’t said who it was, I mightn’t have known.

    Anyway… you look good, lovey.

  4. matty03 replied:

    Ing!?!?! Does your yoga coach have an LA nose??!? Wow — well, it looks like you have a pitch there yourself! …but, I suspect Travolta and DeVitto might be a bit too old for romantic leads — tho, being men — it might fly. I don’t know. Would Zac play the teacher? …that way a musical number or hit song could be tied to the film! …tho, his character might need to be “butch’d” up — no gays for pay here, missy! This is Hollywood!

  5. matty03 replied:

    Joe! Yes! I feel you should serve as both producer and best boy!

    …but no gaffing for you!

  6. matty03 replied:

    Karyn! Awwwwwww! Thank you! All my surgeries are paying off! Oh, no! I would never try to rip off an idea from another film! I’ve never even seen Stepmom! Besides, don’t all great Hollywood films about movie diseases feature lip-syncing into hair brushes?!!??! And, besides, I stand secure from lawsuits because there was no wacky neighbor in Stepmom! …right?!?!?!? uh, oh.

  7. matty03 replied:

    Anyway, I’m pretty sure my DESPERATELY SEEKING MATTY idea is totally unique!

  8. pakipoptart replied:

    OH WOW! What a great post! That’s so funny, I also think of funny movies to pitch like that. Although mine are always much more dramatic–you know I’m a drama queen! What’s even more interesting is last night a friend and I were pitching porn movies to each other. Not about the sex that happens, but the story that leads up to it. Matty, I think now you have inspired me to blog about some of the ideas we brainstormed for the industry…porn industry that is.

    Btw, I think your movies would be great to see. I would definitely though put Julia Roberts in the lead of the dying woman since I bet Julia’s been searching for a tear jerker role since “Dying Young” bombed.

  9. salty replied:

    you look too thin. Eat something, lady!

  10. matty03 replied:

    Pakipoptart! …I’m always pleased when I can inspire any sort of assistance in the area of free commerce porn — and or for-profit-porn!

    Can’t wait to read those porn treatments!!!!

    Salty — God bless you!

  11. Old Cheeser replied:

    Yes getting writing that script!

    But…why no Barbra Streisand appearance? Perhaps she could get a cameo in there somewhere.

    Kathleen Turner does look rather porky now doesn’t she?

  12. matty03 replied:

    Cool Old Cheeser! Oh, I’ve lots of career ideas for Babs, but she ignores all of them! Yeah, I feel mean for putting that picture of Kathleen Turner in, but the truth can hurt right? Like when I see a picture of me. Shudder!

  13. diamondfistwerny replied:

    One of the few pics where I actually find Zac hot 😛

  14. matty03 replied:

    Mr. Diamond! LOL! Noooooooooo!!! I think he might be made of ice-cream!

  15. hot lunch replied:

    Is there a cigarette girl role I can audition for in Desperately Seeking Matty??

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