I had a dream. No. Not the sort that changes the course of society — I’m far too self-involved. No, this was a dream of parenthood. Or, rather, of me as a parent.

I dreamed that B and I had become foster parents to a thirteen year old girl named Krystal.

I’m sure that the dream only lasted a few seconds, but it seemed to last for a couple of hours.

B was unhappy about Krystal’s name. I spent time explaining to him that this was the name her biological mother had given her and that we couldn’t just change it. Krystal was our foster daughter — and provided all went well would be our daughter. And, besides, I rather liked her name.

But, B was concerned for Krystal’s future. He was worried about her taste in music. He had tried to turn her on to Thelonious Monk and Joni Mitchell but with no luck.

I, on the other hand was not so worried about her musical taste. Sure, I was growing weary of music made by a man with a name that indicated a worth less than a dollar
— half a dollar to be exact. And, I didn’t get the whole Disney on crack fame thing but I’m sure my mother was puzzled by The Ramones. And, unlike B — I rather enjoyed a bit of the new and dis-improved Britney and the almost glam musical stylings of Gwen Stefani. Tho, no Goldfrapp she wound it up pretty well.

No. My worry for Krystal revolved around her mode of dress. So, I sat down with Krystal for a father to daughter chat. Now, this was a dream and I did not transcribe it immediately upon waking but the conversation went something like this:

“Krystal, I think we need to re-think the way you’re dressing.”

“Oh my Gawwd! You and Dad are sooooooooo, like, dumb! Just because you think I dress like a slut that I am one! Daddy, I am soooooo not a slut!”

“Krystal, this has nothing to do with whether or not you’re a slut. This has everything to do with the fact that the way you dress is, like, really unflattering!”


“Honey, I know that this muffin top thing is cool but I think you need to be a little smaller to carry it off. I mean, you’re a size 10. I think those jeans are intended for a size 5. It is just too much muffin top’d!”

“Daddy! I am sooooooo not a 10! I’m a total 8 and this looks sexy!”

“Krystal. You’re a size 10. I wish you were a size 8. With some work we could get you there. Actually, you would be so cute if you were a size 5, but some things are just not going to ever happen and it is important you learn that now.”

“I like the way I dress!”

“Well, it is going to stop! We’re going shopping and we are going to get you fashion’d up appropriately!”

“Daddy! I don’t want to look like some nerd!”

“Um, Krystal, I don’t want you to look like a nerd either. Don’t forget we both take Bagel for a walk at the same time. The way you look reflects the way people look at me. No. The fact is you’re looking a little sad and desperate and the other kids are making fun of you. We’re going to fix that today!”

“Uh, excuse me?!?!? Oh no he didn’t!”

“Krystal, you’re not on Jerry Springer. Speak.”

“Those girls are just jealous and the boys just want to sex me and that scares you because you think I’ll get pregnant!”

“Uh, like, that would be your Dad. This is Daddy. I would love for you to get pregnant! We could have the cutest baby! Think of the clothes we could buy for her! No, I just don’t want you getting herpes, crabs or AIDS! So, that is why I bought you those condoms. Did you try the rib’d ones?”

“Like, oh my Gawwwd! No! Daddy! I didn’t touch those! I gave them to Misty!”

“Now, see? Misty is a girl with a good head on her shoulders!”

“She dresses just like me!”

“Krystal, Misty is a size 2.”

“You are so mean!”

“I am not! Now put on that thing I picked up for you at Betsy Johnson!”

“I don’t want to!”

“But, if you do we can go to Virgin and get that new Hip Hop CD you wanted!”

“The box set?!!? Really! Oh my Gawwd! You’re the coolest dad ever! What will we tell Dad?”

“I don’t know. I’ll figure it out later. Did you do your homework?”

“Duh! No!”

“Krystal! Give it to me. I’ll get it done, you show it to Dad and we’ll be cool.”


“Yeah, on one condition!”


“Liquid lunch and dinner today and tomorrow. Deal?”

“Can I wear my tube top?”

“Not when we walk the dog, but once me and Bagel are in you can take off the sweater!”

“I love you, Daddy!”

I woke up in a cold sweat and knew that I should never be a father! Never! I can’t imagine I would ever do or say any of those things but what would Freud say?!!?!?

November 14, 2007. Uncategorized.


  1. sue replied:

    OMG…that was so REAL!

    Happy Be-lated Birthday, Matty!

    Rock on, Rap off!


  2. matty03 replied:

    Sue! Oh, I hope it isn’t real! After I woke up I just felt like I would end up being the world’s worst father! Of course, it was just a dream. One does a number of things in dreams.

  3. Krafty Bitch replied:

    Sigh. I’m a size 10. I wanna be an 8. I would look really cute as a 5, too, but I like having all of my ribs.

  4. pakipoptart replied:

    What a vivid dream! Matty this was just too funny! I wonder what it means? Oh and hey happy Birthday??!!

  5. Dessie replied:

    Crystal… meth?

  6. Old Cheeser replied:

    Yes is it Many Happy Returns then?

    What a bizarre dream, but perhaps a PROPHETIC one? Could this be what you SECRETLY want, Mr Stanfield? Actually now you’ve adopted a dog, a real living human being is only a step away…THINK ABOUT IT!

    WHY am I writing in CAPS?

    I think our dreams say so much about where we’re at (very obvious I know) which is probably why I had such a rude one about John Barrowman the other night…ahem!

  7. Old Cheeser replied:

    Love the Britney album cover by the way – very 80s tack. I heard the new album was rather good – do you have it?

  8. johnmichael replied:

    That conversation is funny. And I loved the way you said “you are not on Jerry”.

  9. matty03 replied:

    Krafty Bitch! I know! Ribs can be such a bitch, but as Raquel Welch taught us — they, too, can be removed! …I wonder what holds everything in, tho. Can’t be a girdle. Hmmmm… Yet more to ponder.

    Pakipoptart! Thanks! I’m old. Yeah, I guess I can be funny in dreams. I just don’t think I’d be a very good parent to even dream that! shudder to think!

    But, I would allow my daughter to have the full range of Barbie products. I think that is a good thing for any young girl. …Or, boy for that matter. Actually, yeah. I guess any child of mine would have to learn to collect and love Barbie.

    (I should not be a parent. Rosie and Tom would so disapprove! I be Brooke wouldn’t, tho.)

  10. matty03 replied:

    Dessie! No! You know someone else emailed me about that! I never thought that the title of that post would lead to that thought. I was trying to think of a way to write “crystal clear reasons for me not to parent” …and, of course, then I come off looking like a meth addict. ugh! I’m not. Tho, I have been known to take psuedofed.

  11. matty03 replied:

    Cool Old Cheeser! I’m not sure why you’re writing in all caps but it does provide a certain design element to your comment.

    I don’t think I want a child. And, based upon my dream, I really shouldn’t have one. I think I am over-the-top-worried about weight gain at the moment which is so very boring and trivial. So, I have forced it down into my dreams. But, I’ve been having so many bad dreams a dream like this one is most welcome!

    Regarding the new Britney CD — Yes! I have it! Downloaded it the first day it came out! It is an actually damn good dance/club record excepting the last track. I think it might be really good because she was unable to be that involved with it — sounds like these really hot DJ producers created all these great beats and then sort of prop’d her up in front of a microphone — recorded her saying/singing various things and then cut/pasted them into their respective grooves. It works!

    …Even B likes it!

    Hey, it’s Britney, biaaatch. lol!

  12. matty03 replied:

    johnmicheal! Thanks! I think I made that part up — I don’t think that was in the dream. But, doesn’t it seem like a lot of people under 25 sound like they think they are on camera at the Jerry Springer Show?!?!?! It is most worrying and annoying! And, it is my BART experience every day!

    “Oh, no she didn’t!”

  13. Tim replied:

    Your dreams rock!! You may not be a GOOD parent, but you’d be a COOL one, and that’s what matters most right?!

  14. matty03 replied:

    Tim! I’d like to think I’d be a cool parent, but I worry that Chrystal would have many self-esteem issues —- and eating disorders. Poor Chrystal, but I’d make sure she dressed well!

  15. karyn replied:

    Sweet merciful crap, Matty, that was the funniest damn thing I’ve read in ages.

  16. matty03 replied:

    Karyn! Happy Thanksgiving!!! LOL! Thanks! …my nightmares are always good for a laugh! lol!

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