I’ve written this before, but one of the many things I love about San Francisco is that — with the exception of some tourists —- no one really cares what you do.

Today was a horrible day for me.

I couldn’t even make it to my psycho-therapy-marathon Thursday appointment. I tried, but after only 3 hours of sleep and a creeping migraine I could barely keep my head up. And, then my general confusion which has been slipping in as of late. I felt a mess. I stumbled on to BART at about 7am and came back home (West Oakland) and slept till close to 1pm. I woke up feeling better and had caught the migraine in time for the medication to work.

But, this was just a bad day. No way around it.

I also have a hard time articulating exactly how bad the days can be, but they can be quite bad.

Today, our foggy weather was not much help. We were shrouded in fog and cold. I showered, put on a printed T over a thermal white shirt and my Burberry long coat. I shaved and actually combed my hair. I ended up parting it on the side. It has gotten longer than usual. I worried that I looked like a label conscious version of TAXI DRIVER. …without the driver or the insanity.

Less than 15 minutes later I was at the piers of San Francisco. I didn’t take notice of which pier I opted to claim as my own, but I claimed one. I walked past the frustrated tourists trying to decide if the fog might clear or if they needed to take MUNI to get to “that bridge”, I dodged a heroin-riddled junkie begging for change and navigated thru some old fisherman who must think that it is safe to eat anything that they might catch in the bay after our recent oil spill.

Still, despite it all — the water looked lovely.

I took out my iPod, layed down flat on the planks of the pier daring anyone to give me shit. I pressed play and found temporary salvation in the velvet voice of Chaka Khan wrapping around the grooves and beats like no one else can.

As I listened to Ms. Khan funk it up I watched the fog roll about in the sky. Her funk rose high above the sounds of the pier. It transported me. I felt more grounded.

I began to think about how we are broken. …damaged. …seconds. …in one way or another. Our scars are not always visible, but we all have them. I wish I could be better at hiding them right now.

I wish I could function better.

After the digital LP had played out. I put the iPod in my Burberry pocket and began the walk back to BART as I felt Bagel probably needed my company more than the pier.
I waited for the cross light to come on and a young guy asked me where I had gotten my jacket and if it was vintage. I lied and told him it was.

…and, then he told me he liked my haircut.

“Would you like to grab a drink?”

I actually laughed and told him I was “spoken for” — I felt bad. He seemed embarrassed.

As I pushed my ticket into the BART gate I was amused: how interesting to be cruised in the midst of a breakdown. What would Chaka think?

When I got home I had an email from THE doctor telling me that he had left a prescription at the Haight pharmacy. It is a med I do not want. It can cause weight gain and loss of sex drive. Seems like they all do that. But, he pointed out that I’m taking enough Klonopen to knock out most people triple my size and it just isn’t working. I need to be able to sleep. I do not have a choice. So, I guess I will pick up the med tonight. Maybe B will come with me.

I could be wrong but am almost positive that Tom Cruise would not approve.
However, I suspect that Brooke Shields would — as well as Chaka. I live for the approval of these two women.

So, a toast of water. Let’s hope that tomorrow brings a better day. Funk this.

November 8, 2007. Uncategorized.


  1. pakipoptart replied:

    Hey Matty, I kinda thought you were going thru a continued rough patch. Somehow you have to take care of yourself–wish I could listen to that myself. I hope it gets better for you. As for that med you are dredding–sometimes when the symptoms are weight gain they could also be weight loss as the medicine is hitting the same receptors. Either way I hope it will just be temporary to give you some balance. I wish you well.

  2. scarlet hip replied:

    If Tom doesn’t approve, then take two.

    Hang in there. Know that there are people out there who have never met you, but love you just the same.

  3. ing replied:

    Aw, hon, something has to change. D’you think it’s worth a try? You can always change your mind later.

  4. diamondfistwerny replied:

    Well, as always I remain confident that things will get better for you. During times when things have been hard and I have trouble articulating; I’ve done a little trick which may work for you? I’d search for a word which describes that day (like ‘overwhelmed’ or ‘devious’) and would ‘theme’ my thoughts/writing around the overall feeling for that particular moment. It helped me get to the bottom of what was really going on.

  5. Dessie replied:

    Don’t Panic Matty!! 😉

  6. Daniel replied:

    Chaka Khan is so brilliant. I just heard today that Stevie Wonder wrote “Tell me something good” for her, way back when in the early 70’s.
    I’m going through an R&B thing lately.
    Maybe it’s ’cause everybody up here is so white I have to compensate.

  7. ginab replied:

    Feel bad for Tom, he’s from New Jersey!

    I am so sorry for you, Matty. I cannot believe how long the aches have hung on to you, like fated love (without the harmony). Damn those aches.

    I wish you were your dog-pup (and you do too). Perhaps in the next life?


  8. fashmagslag replied:

    Big hugs from NY! Right now there’s a November drizzle, so the weather here wouldn’t make you feel any better, unfortunately. And yes, What would CK do is much cooler than what would JC do, don’t you think?

  9. matty03 replied:

    Hey Kids, thank you so much. And, thanks for all the emails.

    I’ll be ok.

    I’ve been in worse spots.

    In so many ways I’m so blessed.

    Just have to drag thru it. It will pass.

    Life’s adventures, I guess.

    Still haven’t decided about that medication. I went to pick it up, but turned around and got back on the bus without getting it.

  10. ing replied:

    Do what seems right to you. It’s not for everyone.

    Doesn’t Tom Cruise look like a barrel of laughs, though? I feel so relaxed in the presence of that image. I wonder if he’d like to join me for a quiet walk on the beach or a trip to the library. Or I know! I bet it’d be fun to bring him home for Christmas! It’s always nice to have someone like that around when I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and under the knife.

  11. Miss. S replied:

    No, no, Tom Cruise would definitely not approve, but in my humble opinion I always found him just a bit creepy anyway. Who needs his approval? Oi, I wish I had it. There, I said it.

    I’m sending you an email.

  12. The Sagittarian replied:

    Its always darkest before dawn they say. I dunno, really fdeel for you. Maybe you need to come to NZ and stroll along the beach in a north east wind…

  13. Java replied:

    Oh, Matty. I know. Hold on. Remember to breathe.
    Love and kisses

  14. Dessie replied:

    Matty! They got you!! RUN!!!!

  15. matty03 replied:

    Ing… I don’t know what to do. Still thinking about it. No, I don’t find Tom Cruise very comforting. His “energy” makes me a bit nervous. Your mom might like him, tho. However, all that love might drain once he started jumping up and down on your Dad’s easy chair.

  16. matty03 replied:

    Miss S! You don’t want to or need Tom Cruise’s approval. Now, the approval of Laura Dern. That might be worth a pretty penny.

    I shall check my email!

    THE Sagittarian! Yes! I do need a walk on the beaches of NZ! …doesn’t everyone need that?!?!?!

    Java – thank you — sending you love and a hug.

    Dessie – what is that?!?!?!

  17. ing replied:

    what is a lolinator????

  18. Dessie replied:

    It’s what happens when kittens take over web pages – frightening isn’t it!

  19. matty03 replied:

    Ing! …odd, scary and sort of cute isn’t it??!?!

    Dessie! It is just amazing what those kitties can do when they access a computer! …and a digital camera!

  20. Werner replied:

    Dear Matty,
    Today is YOUR Day, Your Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    While listening to Barbara on my mp3 and her voice filling my ears with her so beautiful song,..”MEMORIES”!!! My thoughts went immediately to you!!!!!!!!
    Love fills my heart and my very best WISHES coming your way. Can you feel it???
    God,I wish you a solution and healing to your headaches and the reason for them.
    Matty,you are so special, may you and B have a wonderful time celebrating your BIRTHDAY,today.
    Kisses & Big Hugs,


  21. matty03 replied:

    Werner — Just sent you an email. Thank you so much.

    kisses from Oakland, matty

  22. Tim replied:

    Hey Matty, sorry I’ve been so absent. Will be thinking of you though, and remember there’s room for 2 at Casa Tim if you and B ever want to get away from it all 🙂

  23. Josh Williams replied:

    I have 1977 Pink Floyd blaring I can hardly hear myself hunt and peck…Mr Pink Floyd is my Babara, yes Tom does not approve, so what can you do?

  24. sue replied:

    oh dear boy, i do hope that your tomorrow is a better day, and that the best is yet to come.

    i thought of you; i caught FUNNYGIRl the other night on a movie channel. it was in HD and was absolutely fucking brilliant. it was my favorite movie of all time, and i think it stands the test of time. the scenery, the clothes, la streisand….all sublime and purrfect, in every way. i got chills when fanny(barbra) sang “don’t rain on my parade” it was just like the first time i heard it. i was only about 7, but i still remember like it was yesterday. one thing i still can’t figure? why did they pick the gorgeous and exotic eygptian omar sheriff to play a ny jew? it didn’t make sense to me as a kid, and still doesn’t. but oh well, hooray for hollywood!

    i hope that you can get some sleep, just think of babs and those eyes, those dreamy eyes!


  25. sue replied:

    oy vey….i’m tired and i can’t spell…forgive and read with edits in place!

    good night!

  26. matty03 replied:

    Tim! Thank you! That is so sweet!

    Commander Josh! That rocks! I guess I will ignore Tom. I’ve no choice.

    Sue! Yes! What a movie!!!! The ending all was gets me — so tragically gorgeous! And, yeah, odd casting there — but it is all about Barbra so it works. Sort of! lol! As long as she sings — it is magic! And, thanks!

    Today was a really good day. I turned 41 — which was not too horrible. B was home. He presented me with a kick ass turntable and we went for a drive and visited some cool vinyl shops. I think it was the first fun day I’ve had in several months.

    Hope! I can feel it!

  27. johnmichael replied:

    I’m so sorry you had a bad day. I hope that this week you are doing much better!

  28. hot-lunch replied:

    what’s a little weight gain and less sex anyway? omg, welcome to my life. and i don’t even have fun meds to blame it on!! and is that the new line to use when cruising? “nice jacket, is it vintage?” I love that in San Francisco, one can just cruise out in the open like that and assume that everyone around you is gay because they probably are!!! And aren’t iPODS the greatest thing ever?!

  29. matty03 replied:

    johnmichael – Thank you! Actually, had a very nice day yesterday! I need to create a new post! stuck in my funk. …and, that is not so funky.

    Hot Lunch! Oh, stop it! You’re hot. Own it, baby! Yes, well, I picked up the meds today so will start them tonight. And, yeah, it is cool being in such a gay place. I know that there are more gay boys in Atlanta and NYC, but it is just so much more open here. Still, I am spoken for and quite happy about that! But, it is nice to be so near a place so incredibly queer!

    iPods RULE!!!!! How did I ever get by without one?!?!?

  30. pakipoptart replied:

    Hey Matty! Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you are well.

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