JUST ASK BAGEL


She may still be a few weeks shy of 3 months old and weigh less than 4 pounds, but Ms. Bagel seems to feel that she has all the answers. Indeed, along with B, she gives me reason to wake up in the morning and push forward.

She doesn’t say much. She is a very quiet and well-bred young lady who knows her way ’round a wee wee pad and simply adores great music. We do diverge on a few things — she was quite upset by the sounds of and general color scheme of the Paul Lynde Halloween Television Special from 1976. We only just watched the DVD and it changed my life. However, it caused Bagel to bitch up a storm. …Particularly when Paul, Margaret Hamilton, Witchie Pooh, Florence Henderson, Tim Conway and KISS sang “Disco Baby” — she seemed to be begging to be “put down” — But, I digress. Taste aside, Bagel seems to be pretty damn intelligent!

Both Ing and Miss S recognized this immediately and they’ve not even met her!

Just last night as I realized that we were having an earthquake and that I had not gone completely bonkers she calmed me by telling me that people view her as “difficult and temperamental” — she just wants things to be “right and best for her” —- Well, I was amazed!
I explained to Bagel that this is almost exactly what Barbra once told cinematographer, James Wong Howe! But, Bagel corrected me and told me that this had been a misquote. These genuine words of need came directly from Bagel.

Anyway, feel free to leave a question for Bagel and I will ask her to answer.

Here are two rather lengthy questions posed by Ing and Miss S:

Dear Bagel: I don’t know if you read this blog, but if you do, I was wondering if I should choose a life of aesthetic purpose or if it would be better to live on the edge, in a cliff house made of stones that I have gathered myself, one by one, in my spare time? If you don’t have the inclination to reply, I understand. Just thought I’d shoot for the stars. Thank you. Ing.

Bagel replies: no i am unable to actually read but i like to watch. i’m not much for aesthetic purpose, but i’m all about living life to the fullest. quite often this does mean living on the edge. for example, i like to climb up the stairs to matty and b’s loft bedroom but never down. i sit on the edge of the top stair and cry until one of them comes to pick me up, cuddle me and then toss some odd little toy for me to “fetch” back and forth. what can i say? it seems to amuse them and matty smells quite good. i guess what i’m saying is that if you sit on the edge someone just might do the same for you! edgy is good, but take care not to fall. cuddles, bagel.

From Miss S: 1) What is the meaning of life? 2)What happens on the marriage night? 3) Who should I vote for to be the next president of our glorious nation. 4) Should I go to the Hilton and make sexy time with a man I met over the internet?

Bagel replies: 1. the meaning of life can only be found in socks. try chewing on one for a few hours. the clarity of it all just sort of weaves its way into your consciousness. if the sock is unwashed the impact is all the greater. trust me. 2. it’s not so much what happens but how one breathes. it is all in the breathing. try not to pant. 3. the US is doomed. chew an extra sock on election day. 4. i find that more joy in the carpet tiles than one can find in making sexy time at the hilton. besides, if you simply must make sexy time with a stranger do it at one of the by the hour motels in the tenderloin. much more exciting. just be sure you’ve finished that last cycle of shots! cuddles, bagel.

Feel free to leave more questions for Bagel. …or not. To be honest, she doesn’t seem to care. At the moment she is sound asleep.

October 31, 2007. Uncategorized.

15 Comments

  1. johnmichael replied:

    Bagel is a cutie!! And aren’t all cuties very knowledgeable?

  2. matty03 replied:

    johnmichael! Isn’t she a doll!?!? I don’t know, I’ve known some cuties who were a bit dim, but Bagel is pretty darn smart!

  3. Pants replied:

    I am head over heals IN LOVE with bagel. Too stinking cute!

    I have a question…

    Bagel,

    I knew I was moving to a dreaded “red state” when I moved to Utah, to live with my parents (mortifying, I know). I plan to return to school and spend time with my one-year-old niece while she grows up. I knew there would be obvious sacrifices: my pride, freedom to purchase and consume liquor (like a normal person), along with various co-dependancy issues.

    My question for you is, will I find anyone half way decent to date in this state? I was horrified to discover that people my age (thirty-one) are married, divorced, or have multiple children. I’m an old maid! Is there hope for finding another person like me, here, amongst the blazing red state madness?

    xoxo,

    Pants

    Ps. I’ll understand if you suggest therapy in place of an answer. I obviously need to have my head checked, leaving the bay area for this.

  4. matty03 replied:

    Pants! We love her, too! And, today, she master’d stairs!

    Anyway, Bagel replies: why hello, pants. i was actually born in the state to which you have returned. i think you will meet someone soon and the chances that he won’t be a nancy boy like my two masters are far better than had you stayed here. still, i think you should consider a ticket back to the bay area. matty says that your missed. but why the concern with men? i say chew on a sock. much more satisfying if you ask me. cuddles, Bagel.

  5. Pants replied:

    Aw, bagel! You’re the BEST! Thanks so much for your kind words. I heart you!

    Tell your Matty that I’ll be in the bay area next weekend…from the 8th to the 12th! I miss my bay!

  6. ing replied:

    Dear Lord, I don’t know if you read this, but if you do, why are you so angry at me?

  7. matty03 replied:

    Pants! yay! I let Bagel know and she did a little happy dance — that, or, she is chasing her tail. Hard to be sure.

  8. matty03 replied:

    Ing — Oh dear. You know, Bagel is cute and all but she is not “the lord” in fact, I don’t think she is even “a dame”

    I shall send you an email to check on you as I’ve no phone at the moment.

  9. Old Cheeser replied:

    I agree that dog is too damn cute! Glad she is bringing you hours of joy! And proving to be a very good Agony Aunt. I’ll have to think up some questions of my own…

  10. ing replied:

    I’m just looking for answers, Matty, answers! And after seeing this forum, I wondered what the world had come to. . .

  11. matty03 replied:

    Old Cheeser! Yeah, we lover her! I love watching her run till she just drops and falls into sleep like in the last picture. puppy love is the best! …I need an Agony Auntie. Where does one get one of those?

    Ing – Aren’t we all.

  12. Miss. S replied:

    Dear Bagel,

    Thank you kindly for the answers to my questions. I do so enjoy socks, and with your permission, will continue to do so in the future. Sexy time did not happen at the Hilton or in the Tenderloin. So, is the way of the world.

    Oh, gotta go clean my abode!

    ❤ S

  13. matty03 replied:

    Miss S – I wish Bagel shared our joy of cleaning our respective abodes. She seems not to care. In fact, the filthier — the more fun she seems to have. I wonder if there isn’t a hidden meaning there. If there is, I don’t care to know or understand it and am forcing Bagel to live in a more germ free and clean place. I think it for her best interest. Of course, I love that Bagel is wild at heart.

  14. pakipoptart replied:

    Such a cute post and that last picture should be on a greeting card…although i’m not sure what the card would say.

  15. matty03 replied:

    pakipoptart! i like blank cards — so I should think it would be blank! …if Bagel were to star on a greeting card! lol!

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