THE HARDEST PART

As I sat looking out to ocean the old song on my iPod suddenly took on a new meaning for me.
Interesting how we all tend to project on to all manner of things — pop songs probably the least interesting, but projecting onward I made a connection to a Blondie hit which I never thought I’d make.

As I nudged my way back from the incoming tide the tip of my sneakers were covered by a bit of the Pacific. I cursed under my breath and Blondie’s “The Hardest Part” came on. Now, I’ve loved Blondie since I first saw them on some late night show when I was about 9 years old and they were singing about snipers and “x” offenders. But, I never paid much attention to their lyrics. I just thought they were incredibly cool in a way that so few ever manage to be.

And, at some point, I do remember being amused that there was a hit pop record about a failed attempt to rob an armoured truck full of money.

In fact, I can remember pointing this out to an older friend at the time who just rolled his eyes. “Who cares” he said. But, I pressed on and advised that this was the ultimate in rebellion in pop music — this was anarchy sneaking in under the radar. This was the last bit of NYC Punk Esthetic hiding behind this thing they called “new wave” that would soon crash back into disco called “dance” music. …Madonna. Soon, there’d be no more true cool — just slick, trim and tidy. the odd edge of pop would soon give way and go away…

Anyway, I never really thought much of it beyond that part. “Atomic” “Victor” and “Dreaming” were my fave songs from the LP. “…oh, your hair is beautiful!”

But, as I sat in my wet shoes looking out at the perfect ocean one can always seem to find in San Francisco I thought about this vile depression I’m trying to work my way through. All the valuable things are there to get me thru… A loving life partner, good friends, medication, deep breathing, rest, exercise, a warm puppy who fills my heart with joy. …And, yet, I can’t seem find my way clear. Can’t seem to find my way out of this funk from Hell. …or these headaches. …or these nightmares.

Why is it so hard? As Blondie sang about attempting to commit the perfect felony, “…the hardest part” was not the 12 tons of steel, stealing or the planning of the heist but the “…big man of steel behind the steering wheel —- in a wire mesh cage with a twelve gauge”
So, what is the hardest part of this struggle?

I guess the hardest part is the fear of facing it all again. The hardest part is simply dealing with the hell that started it all. I guess this hell from the past is the big man of steel behind the steering wheel — and, I need to figure out how to get control of the 12 tons of steel I use to navigate through life.

And, I wonder — is this too honest for my blog? will I regret writing about it later? I’m not sure, but I think it best to start trying to deal with the hardest parts sooner vs later. Maybe then I can get some better sleep and get back into the proper groove of things. Maybe then.

It is just so fucking frustrating to realize that I’m still fighting through crap that happened well over 31 years ago. Talk about feeling haunted beyond reason.

The hardest part to the beat…

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October 18, 2007. Uncategorized.

23 Comments

  1. ing replied:

    It’s wierd how the things we thought we’d faced or been through or dealt with keep on coming back. At least, that’s how it is for me sometimes. I wish there was an easier way. I wish that time and hard work & feeling a little better would mean the end of it. I wish we could wash our hands and our minds and be done with it once and for all. Keep on struggling through it, Matty. It might take a while, but things will get better again. After going down for a while, you’ll come back up. I think so.

  2. Dessie replied:

    I’d like to give you this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt to think on Matty:

    “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

    Much love. D xx

  3. hot-lunch replied:

    we’re here for you, matty!

  4. matty03 replied:

    Ing — Yeah, I know. It can all get so hard sometimes and without warning. Bummer of a post. ugh. You are right and I know it. As always I shall push forward to the very best of my ability. …it just seems my very best is not so good enough at the moment.

    …but, I don’t think that old saying “time heals all wounds” is really true. …many wounds just seem to scab over. then we bump into something.

  5. matty03 replied:

    Dessie! I like that quote! I’ll figure out how to put it into practice! I will! It’s going to be OK just have to work through it. Just gets old sometimes. you know?

    Hot Lunch! …You’re such a sweetie. Thank you!

    Big hug to all three of ya!

  6. Dessie replied:

    You’ll love this, Ann Coulter’s website was hacked… lol

  7. matty03 replied:

    Dessie!!! That so totally rocks! …am I allowed to pretend she really made that post? I’d so like to think it could be true and might have happened!!! …well, a boy can dream!

    I wonder what really roams in that brain of hers? …I don’t think she has a soul or a heart. So, I’d settle to get inside that brain! lol! …or, not.

  8. Krafty Bitch replied:

    Matty,

    I agree with Ing. And I also see your point of view. I find myself in a similar situation, almost deja vu…like, didn’t I do this already? Child, we both just gotta keep our heads up, let our lights shine, and hopefully banish all darkness.

    I’ll be thinking about you and sending positive energy your way.

    ps. Just so’s you think this comment isn’t totally random, I am a frequent(ish) reader of your blog. Just never commented before.

  9. matty03 replied:

    Hey Krafty Bitch! I’m sorry. I agree — we just have to push ourselves thru it. We’ll get there. …Tho, sometimes, doesn’t it seem like you can barely move? I made some lame solo plans today as I training Bagel to crate — decided to go into SF and see a generic/easy-going movie — but, after forcing myself onto BART and into the city streets I was met with flop sweats and confusion. It was sooooo pretty. not. But, I had the sandwich then I came home to little Bagel.

    Glad you commented. I need to see if you have a site!

    Hang in there, kid-o! That’s what I’m doing! Just sort of rolling with it. You know?

  10. diamondfistwerny replied:

    Absolutely beautiful, what you wrote! You’ll get to where you need to be, my friend. And if blogging turns out to be an avenue which helps catalyze that process – I will be commenting with ya, every step of the way. I’m truly sorry that you’re in such a deep depression. At any rate, enjoy your weekend. And thanks for the Blondie flashback. I used to know every word to that ‘rap’ 😆

  11. joe replied:

    matty, I wish I had the answer, because I could make millions! I could be on Oprah! I could be hosting the next Saturday Night Live!

    but, nope I don’t. I do know that living these past years holding back, putting up a wall, and protecting my heart and soul didn’t do anything but made me very hard to trust myself and anyone new. I have lots of good friends and family and employed, art on my wall and entertaining adventures. but i don’t feel anything inside. and when i do let a little something in my heart, it hurts and hurts and i cry in my dreams.

    i’m sorry you’re down, but if you were here or me there, I’d be sitting with you getting flashbacks with ya!

    you’ve got a beautiful soul and a lot to give the world. hang in there.

  12. matty03 replied:

    Mr. Diamond — Thank you. I’m just going to roll with it and am fighting it at the same time. I’m sure it will pass, but the thing is I need to figure out how to just keep it away! Very tiring, tho. And, very draining!

    …I still know all the words!

    “…Fab Five Freddie told me everybody’s high
    DJ’s spinnin’ are savin’ my mind
    Flash is fast, Flash is cool
    Francois sez fas, Flashe’ no do
    And you don’t stop, sure shot
    Go out to the parking lot…”

    LOL!

  13. matty03 replied:

    Joe — I wish you you had the answer(s) too! Maybe this is somehow tied into the meaning of life: trying to gain the understanding of our lives, trouble and disabling woes.

    I hate that you’re going thru what you’re going thru as well. Keep allowing those walls to thaw and melt away — I suspect that is the beginning for you.

    Sending you a warm hug and lots of hope.

  14. pakipoptart replied:

    Dear matty,

    I wish I had some enlightening words for you, but I just don’t. As you know I’m working through my own depression currently. I also feel the way you do in that I am frustrated dealing with reoccurring issues from my past. Particularly how I allow myself to become depressed over things I can’t control.

    All I can say is that it is indeed a battle everyday and you just have to employ every means you know to get thru it. Sometimes its good to just to distinguish between chronic vs. acute problems in our lives. That way you can work thru stuff in the short term while trying to tackle issues more long term.

    There is no secret to this. I was reading some of your old posts recently. There was one where you went to trade in some of your old clothes that didn’t fit you and the women in the resale shop wanted to know the secret to losing weight. I think you wrote that it was just diet and exercise–no fad diets or things to buy. This situation is the same, the solutions are within you–its just a bit more cloudy for you to find them currently.

  15. Daniel replied:

    When someone told me life is like peeling an onion, I didn’t realize how true it was for me. The digger I deep, or the more layers I peel away, the more things look the same. It’s almost as if life has assigned me one main problem to wrestle with, and the main thing is that I well and truly wrestle, ’cause there’s no solving it. Maybe you’re ahead of the pack, in that you’ve at least figured out what you’re wrestling.

  16. Anita replied:

    Hi Sweetie, I love the apartment–Sooo impressive. You had described it to me, but honestly, I couldn’t have imagined such a wonderful space. Tell B. and Ing they did wonderful work. And, Bagel is so precious. I printed out her pics to show to Naomi. She will fall in love with Bagel.

    Re: the current depression: Wish I could do something that would fix it–too late for me to do that; but PLEASE know you are treasured and loved to the max.

    It seems to me that the more light you shed on it and the more you can share the pain of it with everyone the better it will soon be. But, I really don’t know that for sure–it just seems to be the way out to me. Anytime you want to share with me you know I am here for you. LOVE, HUGS AND GREAT BIG GOOD WISHES HEADING YOUR WAY ALL THE TIME. LOVE ANITA

    One other tidbit: I read something one time about the fern and the bamboo. It seems that ferns shoot out of the ground quickly and reach up to the skys in no time; while bamboo may lay beneath the earth for five years before putting out a simple little leaf or stalk. Then suddenly it begins to shoot up much higher than fern and reaches the heavens and spreads all over. It seems during that five years or so, it was forming the deepest roots under the ground. Roots that are so strong it can hardly be removed without sprouting somewhere else immediately.

    Perhaps, you are growing some very deep roots and they are now starting to sprout and soon you’ll be reaching the stars and clouds in the sky instead of living deep under.
    Regardless, I know how strong and truly amazing you are.

    Re: the nightmares, remember that you can program yourself to talk to the nightmares: You can say to them–you are just a bad dream that I have often and when I wake up you will be gone, but I will still be here and so you have no power to terrorize me anymore. This really works because I have had some recurring nightmares that I have used that technique on–they soon stop when the brain starts telling the dreams that they are just that– recurring dreams. Try it, next time you have one and see if it works for you. I think it helps depression by actually changing the chemical makeup of our brains.

    much love to you. Anita

  17. matty03 replied:

    Pakipoptart — I really like and appreciate what you wrote. I love that analogy back to selling all the clothes that no longer fit me. I know the answer is within me — I think the challenge is finding out how to get in there to find it. “we” tend to build up so many defenses and coping mechanisms over the years — the ones I’ve created just don’t work anymore but have cluttered things up. It will all get sorted. I’ll figure it out. As the shrink advised — it will take a bit of time. One can’t give up — you have to keep pushing forward. My current problem is that I seem to be stuck and can’t get the wheels to turn. Then he told me to be patient. I guess sleep is the first thing that needs to return. sigh. forging on the best i can…

    Your CD’s are almost done!

  18. matty03 replied:

    Daniel — I like that idea, too. Empowering. Also, the way I look at it — I’m ahead of the curve. I don’t think a lot of souls would have made it thru what I got thru so I know I’m strong. My strength is just a bit low at the moment. It will come back!

  19. matty03 replied:

    Anita — Sending you a hug. I think this is one of those battles that pulls you and me both down. I’ve been trying that technique to not much luck. But, I do think things are getting batter. I do.

    And, yeah, the new apartment rocks! B has been doing even more work this weekend and it is really taking even more shape.

  20. johnmichael replied:

    Hi, I don’t have anything intelligent to say or any real advice to give. Just know that somewhere in blog world, someone is thinking about you.

  21. matty03 replied:

    johnmichael — Actually, that means a great deal. Thank you.

  22. Robert replied:

    I’m so late. Late late late. I feel like the white wabbit from Alice in Wonderland.

    Hi Matty. I missed you. It’s been awhile since I visited. Life’s been busy, but am still here. 🙂 Everything seems like such a struggle. We go thru life day by day and hopefully we get something meaningful out of it, and we do. Sometimes the actor [or actress! heh!], sometimes the audience. But at the end of the day, the end of our day, the end of our time – What exactly have we learned? That’s the question I ask myself.

    I hope things get better for you. And it has, might it not be now, but it will, again. I hope all this doesn’t sound too far out or makes me sound like a loon. Hey, I absolutely love Blondie, so I can’t be THAT weird.

    Oh and the lyrics to Eat To The Beat is just too much. Don’t you think? Much luff from me to you!

  23. matty03 replied:

    Hey Robert! Thanks for the sweet message. And, no, you’re not a loon. And, not just because you love Blondie! What you wrote makes sense. We must have a reason to live through what we do. It’s just hard to see or understand it as we’re living through it. Actually, I often find it hard to understand afterward. But, this will pass.

    Eat to the Beat!!!!

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