…this is how I felt at about 4:45am this morning when I got up.

It is almost 11am and I’ve had my maximum amount of Maxalt-MLT for the day and I’m feeling a bit better. Movin’ slow, probably thinking even a bit slower and the idea of eating feels beyond disgusting. But, I’m about to take my prescription strength ibuprofen, shave, shower and go for a walk! I don’t care how I feel! I can’t lay about in this apartment today. I need to find some joy.

However, I am a realistic soul. I’m not going to venture too far. Besides, I don’t need to have 3 doctors lecture me next week. No. I’m just going to walk over to the ATM withdraw $20 — see my “connection” and score some caffeine (I don’t care what anyone says — it makes my head feel better!) — then I plan to sit under the Big Gay Castro Flag, let the breeze blow on me and watch the people. I plan to force myself to smile. …the big MRI was last night. One of the two big tests which I dread the most. Results should be in by Tuesday of next week. I need to clear this head of mine.

And, I want my life back!

I want to go back to get back to work!

So, today — I’m trying sheer will as an option! Like I said, I’m a realistic soul — I don’t expect to be all well by the end of the day but the staying down and breathing stuff is wearing me out. My goal is to push myself a bit and see if it might not help more than sitting in out apartment all day. I know I couldn’t work right now.

But, do I have to be such a downer?!!?? “NO!” I say! No! Also, I fear I’ve become a big ass bore. I worry that friends are avoiding me because I much be such a drain with which to hang out. And, I don’t have that much energy. I need to find a way to put a mask on. …I know. I know. Not exactly a healthy concept but one of survival. And, trust me, if I feel too bad — I won’t be any good at putting that mask on anyway. But, why not at least give it a try every now and again! It’s not like I have much else to do at the moment!

Can I return to work after next week?!?!?

“Maybe!” I say! Just maybe! And, just maybe I need to push a bit more vs. just laying about. Just maybe.

And, for the first time in over a month I’m going to drag my ass into a movie! Yes! I am! I’ve not gone to a movie in so long because there really hasn’t been anything I felt was really worth seeing to put myself through the pain of dealing with way I feel in a cinema seat.

Well, today — and for the rest of the week — The Castro Theatre is screening the highly controversial 1980 film, CRUISING. And, I’m going to the 2pm showing. Actually, it is such a sick choice of a film it might actually work in getting my mind off things!My father took me to see this movie when it came out. I think I was 13. I knew I was gay and I found the viewing to be most worrying. I wonder what I will think of it now. …so many years later.

I remember being both excited and horrified. Men with men — it was cool. And, I thought Al Pacino was dreamy. But, then they (and he) were doing things that went beyond my understanding at the time. Oh, and of course there was the whole idea of gruesome gay sex murders.

I remember the cinema manager voicing concern about his taking a minor to see this movie which she called “smut” — which made me all the more interested in seeing it and seemed to make my father all the more determined as well. I guess he had the maturity of a 12 year old anyway. “Hips or lips?”

I still remember that line. I leaned over and asked my father what that meant. I think he said, “I don’t know” …Yeah, this was a great film to take a 13 year old to see!

To say my father was sick is an understatement, but he did bring me into the world of movies. And, he seemed to enjoy almost all of them. Particularly the darker ones. …and more perverse. I don’t think any of these viewings harmed me, but he did. However, by the time I was 10 he couldn’t hurt me anymore. I had threatened him. I guess it was a risk, but it was survival. And, it worked. He didn’t hurt me like that anymore.

Anyway, today is an odd day.

Today is my brother’s birthday. …this was a pretty big LP around the time he was born. I can remember skipping school and sitting in a field all day worrying about he and my mother. I couldn’t wait for him to come home! This morning, I tried to call him. I did my best to not sound like my head was about to split open. I got his voicemail. I’m not sure if I managed to sound convincing but I know he knows I love him and am thinking of him. I hope he is having a kick ass B-day! He is 29 today! Wow! And, I will be 41 in November! …Man! Where is the time going?!?!?!?

But, today is also the 10th anniversary of my father’s death. Mixed feelings. So many things never said that should have been said. I guess that is the way it always is. But, I do miss him. I do. No one could make me laugh like he could and no one will ever be able to make me so angry. Extremes. He was extreme. He was insane. And, he was sad.

OK. Ibuprofen, shave, shower, gel my hair, put on the Lucky jeans (I’m down to 172 lbs!!!) and head out into that cool San Francisco breeze. …Now, if only I could find a good mask! Oh, well. I’m gonna smile! And, I’m going to smile big! And, watch a really gross and disturbing movie!!! …I wonder how bad my iPod would hurt if I tried to use it? Hmmmm…

September 7, 2007. Uncategorized.


  1. scarlet hip replied:

    Today is my birthday too. That album was popular when I was about…uhhh…when I was born too! Yeah!

    When I blow out the candles tonight, I am going to wish for you to have your life back – better than ever.

  2. Minge replied:

    I hope your brother had a good day and everything’s crossed here that Tuesday is a good day for you, love.

  3. matty03 replied:

    Scarlet Hip! Happy Birthday!!!!! Yay! …and, thanks!

    Minge! Hi! I’m sure Tuesday will be fine. It’s getting from this point to that point!

    …but my walk and movie were OK. Not great, but OK. I think I’ve forgotten what it is like to not have a headache! ugh!

  4. Anita replied:

    Hi Baby,
    Not fair, Not fair. Wish I could give you my good health right now and take on the pain so you could be feeling well and working like you should be able to.
    It will get better. Hang it there. I know how tough you are. Keep looking for the mask. The forced smile does work wonders; somehow it changes the energy around us; and then our internal energy gets more positive. It is hard not to fear the unknown test results; but fear is always worse than reality. You can take that to the bank. I love you sooooo very, very much. Know that good vibrations are coming your way constantly.

  5. Meredith replied:

    hey sweetie pie! Hope you had a swell day! Here’s a big hug and good thoughts. You’ve got survivor genes! Now buck-up and get out there, you smiley little ray of sunshine. *wink*
    I’ve shut down all my blogs until further notice. Nothing new happening just occupied with other things. Need to actually WRITE. Email me.

  6. Daniel replied:

    Oh, I’m so….whatever! Certainly not old, or anything like that…
    Boston, Wasn’t that like the fourth biggest selling album of all time? When I was in COLLEGE!
    Cruising….As fabulous as Pacino is, that film is like most gay films made for a straight audience. Ultimately it pathologizes gays.
    But Pacino is really hot.
    If your dad was around, I’d go kick his ass for you, for free. Even though I know you can take care of yourself, yada, yada, yada. But I’d be happy to do it for you, for sure.

    I can’t find my brother…

    You are a wonder to me. even when your head hurts.
    Hang in there, love.

  7. diamondfistwerny replied:

    Matty, I really feel for you. I’m hoping things get brighter real quickly!

  8. hot lunch replied:

    happy bday to your brother! i can’t believe your dad took you to see Cruising! Hope you feel better soon, sweetie!

  9. matty03 replied:

    Anita — Thanks.

    Lovely Meredith — Oh, I will miss reading your blogs! Let me know when they are back up! I will email ya — and you to me! K?

  10. matty03 replied:

    Daniel! LOL! You are NOT old! Stop it! Yeah, I think at that time it was one of the all-time biggest selling LP’s of all time. I still like a few of the songs but I think the LP art had a great deal to do with its popularity!

    You know, I wish you had been around to kick his ass! LOL!

    The day went pretty well. I did similar yesterday. Just not feeling up to myself yet. Friends came over last night and that was great!

    I don’t know that I fully agree with you on CRUISING. Very flawed, but quite interesting document of the scene that ends up serving as a backdrop for a sleazy/silly slasher story line. That, I think, is the whole problem with the movie. The main plot seems like an after thought for the director.

    It did not strike me so much as homophobic — there is a great scene which addresses police bashing of gay men simply for being gay — and the idea that they only care about solving the murder case when a gay celeb is killed.

    BUT, why the slasher movie? Why?!?!?!

    It is worth a look — I believe it comes out on DVD later this month. Am really curious to hear Friedkin discuss this film.

    …also — Warners actually spent money and have created a pristine transfer! This film captures a gay subculture and time in NYC which will never exist again.

    I think the film is fairly honest in it’s graphic depiction of the gay leather scene in the meat packing district. The Anvil let Friedkin in!!!!?!?!?

  11. matty03 replied:

    Mr. Diamond! Thank you, sweetie. It is going to work out. Just have to be more patient I guess. Pain in the ass.

    Hot Lunch! Yes!!!! He is 29 years old!?!?! So strange to me! Yeah, my father took me to see everything! I think DRESSED TO KILL bothered me most, tho. I liked it, but I was really “a scare’d” of my future as a gay man by that movie! LOL! All I ever saw were gay men killing people — usually themselves and women!?!?!? Most worrying for a kid.

  12. ing replied:

    Hey, baby!

    I feel bad that I’ve been so busy lately. All of my friends have noticed that I haven’t been around & haven’t been answering emails and stuff. Guess I get so tired on weeknights I can’t keep up with the phone calls and emails, and then on weekends I tend to run around & hate to be taking phone calls and hopping on the computer when I’m trying to spend time with people.

    If you ever want company on one of your movie days, let me know! Right now, for some reason, I have several people vying for my attention whenever I have a spare moment & that’s been a lot to juggle. I know it’s tough for my friends, but right now I have to plan ahead a bit & can’t be as spontaneous as I once could.

    I love you, my dear.

  13. matty03 replied:

    Ing, Bebe! …don’t feel bad for being busy and having a full life (and plate!) —- and, don’t worry — if I need your shoulder or help — I’ll be calling (and, quite likely sitting on your stoop!)

    It was awesome seeing your gorgeous self last night, by the way!

    Now, go rock that publishing world out!!!

  14. matty03 replied:

    And, Ms. Ing, I love you very much! (just in case you didn’t know!)

  15. hot lunch replied:

    i’m not sure i know Dressed To Kill. Is that the one with Richard Greico? 😛

  16. ing replied:

    Matty, do you know anyone who might be interested in seeing Deep Water at the Clay Theater on Weds at 7:00?

  17. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch – Oh, no! DRESSED TO KILL is the one in which Angie Dickinson (AKA Police Woman) plays a sexually frustrated housewife who is murdered in an elevator after a sordid sexual fling! …very graphic! …problem is she is murdered by a man dressed as a woman who wants a sex change. So, wrong. Yet, it is quite entertaining and a very scary slasher flick.

    …I think it is much more offensive than CRUISING.

    Ing! I would love to see that, but I have a late evening appointment on Wednesday and don’t think I’ll be home till after 7pm. Is that the documentary about the yacht race that turned into a horror show in the 60’s?!?!?!

  18. sorted replied:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you are feeling better. You are too pretty and young to be sick.

    I look forward to seeing you back to your ol’ self — feelin’ all purty and just a postin’ in the wind. I am glad you have “B” to help you through this.

  19. matty03 replied:

    Sorted! You know, I was just telling a doctor that very thing: “I’m simply too gorgeous for this sort of mess!” LOL! …He didn’t seem to agree!

    Thanks, sweetie! I’ll be OK. And, yes, I’m VERY lucky to have B! …my angel.

  20. Josh Williams replied:

    Hope you find relief for your migraines. I went to the theater with both my parents and watched Midnight Cowboy and The Graduate, on one of these occasions I remember the usher or manager stopping my folks and told my father that the movie was filled with profanity and my father replied, “Ha you should hear her at home” I still think it was funny and my mom even laughed but the movies I covered my eyes while looking through my fingers at the appropriate moments.I feel very lucky that I have a good relationship with my parents and siblings, dysfunctional as we are,best I can tell the movies did not scar me…I turn 45 on Friday and will meet my folks, sister and bro in law. They wanted to have a party but to tell you the truth I prefer to hang with my family without a party, I feel like I am ignoring them if there is a crowd, so it shall be.Saturday, well that’s a differ ant story… Say, if you see ing tell her my birthday is Friday and if everyone pitches I could use a new car, something with class but is not to ostentatious…Kind Regards JW

  21. matty03 replied:

    Commander Josh! Happy Birthday a couple days early!!! That is awesome! Yeah, I don’t think movies will scar a person, but I probably would not take my children to see many of the movies my father let me see. Still, you folks to you to film classics! Excellent taste!!!!

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