IN MY HEAD ( a list )

My best-est pal, Ing, has tag’d me!

I’m to list 8 random facts about myself. I really liked Ing’s list which managed to be intimate, a little sad, filled with hope and infused with the humor one needs when on a quest to gain understanding of yourself. …In short, Ing’s 8 Random Facts gave the reader an honest glimpse into her. I doubt I will be able to do the same. I’m not as eloquent or talented a writer. But, I’m going to give it a shot and am going to fight the urge to make it all comical or turn into a flight of whimsy. However, I guess that would not really be me if I did.
So, off-the-guff and shooting-from-the-hip — here is my list of 8 Random Facts About Me:

1. The only true way I’ve ever been able to escape the mess of thoughts and worry in my head is to slink deep into a seat in a dark cinema and lose myself in whatever story is being played out on the screen. The darker the story on that screen — the better. I rather like getting lost in the dark fantasies to be found in the dark. This is why I love movies so much. Escape from my reality.

2. Bur, I am most happy when I’m on the beach. Sure, I can’t really escape all these ramble’d thoughts but they seem so less important as I listen to the waves, people, birds and feel the sun and ocean breeze. Oh, and thus far, I’m most impressed with the beaches of Northern California. However, I suspect I would like the beaches of Greece even more.

3. I’m going thru a pretty rough patch right now. I really wish I could close my eyes and be at least one month into the future and discover all these health issues will be OK and I will be back at work and having fun again. I am weary of this worry and all these headaches. I’ll get through it, tho. I’ve almost fallen off the edge before. I will not allow that to ever happen again.

4. I have spacial issues. I fear spaces and do not fully understand them. I’m always a little lost and am most comfortable in small places. I once read a novel called HOUSE OF LEAVES which was (sort of) about a house with a hallway that keeps changing size and direction. This book horrified me. I still have nightmares about it. …It was like the writer managed to pull me to my unspoken fears. I am much happier in a studio apartment than a one bedroom because the larger the home — the more fearful I am of it. Actually, this is true of all spaces. I do not enjoy being in big places and I don’t like closets.

5. For the first time in my life I have a job at an organization I really respect and I work with people I really like. I really love my job. I’ve never experienced that before. It’s most cool.

6. I hate getting older. It is better than the alternative, but I really do hate it. I think we should all stay between 27 and 30. …smart enough to know better but not really old enough to care!

7. I do not like being alone. I will go sit on a bench just to be around other people.

8. I hate crying in front of others. I am quite supportive of those who do and can, but I feel to vulnerable when this happens to me. I often lock myself in the bathroom and cry in the shower or tub. …and, then I usually throw up.

Three Bonus Facts:

1. It takes a great deal to make me mad or angry. I seldom am. However, the one thing that is certain to piss me off is when someone tells me how I feel or that they “know” how I feel. None of us really knows how the other feels and none of us has the right to “project” our opinions of how another should feel. I think I get the most pissed off at myself when I fail to follow my own rules here. I have done this to several people in life who I love the most in an attempt to help them. I think I caught myself and apologized to each of them for having done that. I worry that I haven’t, tho.

2. I have faith in God, but not the one represented by any organized religions. I feel the presence of God when I am near the ocean, in the kiss of my love, in the hugs of those for whom I deeply care and in some Hallmark cards. And, I can hear God in some music. I can sense the presence of God in Schubert…And, I hear Her in some of those pitch-perfect-pristine-notes-sung by Barbra. It puzzles me when people tell me that they do not believe in God. I find that I am both impressed and cautious. Impressed by the bravery to face a life without faith and cautious because I am not sure I ever believe these individuals. …there always seems to be more than a little anger laced in with the belief that there is no God. Why be angry about it or at those who do believe? …unless their belief smoothers the rights of others. Then, be angry. Tho, it will get you no where.

3. I did not chose to gay. I was born gay. There is no choice in this for me. However, I would not change it for all the money in the world. It is what it is — and it is a very good thing.…and this woman put me off orange juice at a very early age.

Wait. Was that 5 or 9 additional facts rolled up into 3?!?!? …that were not a part of my 8 anyway?!?!

Sorry. I was never good at following rules or coloring in the lines.

I’m not going to tag anyone. Go tag yourself if you’re of a mind to do so! (insert smile icon)

September 1, 2007. Uncategorized.


  1. Dessie replied:

    I know how you feel.

  2. Dessie replied:

    Does that earn me a slap?

  3. arkano18 replied:

    House of Leaves was written by Poe’s brother. In fact, they did a common project: brother wrote the book, and sister composed the album “Haunted”, they were on tour together.

    Personally, i think the book is awful but interesting. And the album is just awful.

    BTW, I’m J, and I came here from Steve’s blog, Defying Despondency.

    See ya!

  4. Insert Name Here replied:

    Great list! And I love the creativity through pictures. I think for most, the only way to lose oneself is to get their mind on something. For me it’s music, art, and writing (and of course sex πŸ˜› ).

  5. Lubin Odana replied:

    Hope you get over the bad patch soon Pussycat. Thinking of you XXXXX

  6. Pants replied:

    I’m also most happy at the beach. It is incredibly weird to be so far from water…it freaks me out.

  7. Old Cheeser replied:

    A very interesting and enlightening list of facts Matty!

    And in response to some of your points:

    I too love the sea and the beach. It’s a mega-cliche but there’s something so restful and calming about being next to or close to it. It’s one of the things I miss now I live in London. I was in Brighton for six years and living by the sea was lovely even in the Winter! And sea air is so much more healthy too – I think it cleanses the mind. I think you would love the beaches of Greece – a few years ago I went to Rhodes – not Greece itself but one of the islands. Beautiful place though and lovely warm water! You’d adore it!

    Like Lubin I’m crossing my fingers that you’ll make it through the hard times – but you’re a strong and wise person and I’m sure you will.

    That’s very interesting what you say about the spaces thing!

    You shouldn’t feel bad about crying in front of others – no bad thing. (Funny that you’ve used a picture of Johnson’s baby shampoo – my surname is Johnson and I used to get called Johnson’s baby powder at school amongst other things!)

    I know what you mean about the “know how you’re feel” thing. You’re right to an extent. I don’t think it’s an entirely bad thing for someone to say though, they are just trying to empathasise – as far as someone who isn’t yourself possibly can do!

    I guess I do still believe in God but I stopped going to church many moons ago.

  8. joe replied:

    fascinatingly Matty. (it’s my new adjective! like, “Oh Jean-Pierre, you’re so matty!” as I say to that hot man at the cafe in Paris.)

    I struggle with God and faith. I don’t believe it in my rational heart, but I can’t help but want to pray when I stood in the Notre Dame, looking at the beautiful cathedral and stained glass. Of course, saturday night mass started, and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. πŸ™‚

  9. pakipoptart replied:

    Matty you have such a unique way of writing that is always interesting and full of humor. Its very interesting to learn more about you. I look forward to learning more about you.

  10. Dessie replied:

    Matty… we’re waiting for answers!

    Or e-mails.

    I worry 😦

  11. ginab replied:

    Hey there Matty, I’m with you on the sounds of water and on dark films and on large houses. Sometimes I haven’t been so able to control my tears and compared to shame, well…I’ll burst without warning!

    I’m so pleased to know someone who loves his job and who feels the presence of God in those moments you so eloquently describe.

    wishing you wellness,

    PS: Ing tagged me too but I was too glib I think. Oh well. It’s done!

  12. matty03 replied:

    Dessie! LOL! …I could never slap you!

    Arkono18! Hey! So glad you stopped by! I will have to visit your site! Yes! I know! I think I read the book after I heard Poe’s CD. (I love Poe!) …but, I know a lot of folks didn’t care for that LP. I really love the title track, “Hey Pretty” and “I’m Not A Virgin Anymore” — but the book really bothered me! Totally creep’d me out. I missed their tour, tho. Have you ever seen a copy of the first printing of the book that has all the paper clips, post its and odd markings?!?!? I liked the artistic concept but what a mess to sit on your bookshelf!?!!? LOL!

  13. matty03 replied:

    Mr. Inserting Diamond Here! (which sounds rather inappropriate — Yes! I agree! Lose yourself in the art (or the orgasm)

    Lubin — Aw, thank you! I’ll be ok. just gotta roll with it and be patient I guess. Sure is getting old, tho.

    Pants! Come back home!

    Cool Old Cheeser! Thank you, cutie. I know that they mean well. …still pisses me off, tho. LOL! Yeah, I wonder what it will be like to live in Oakland so far from my beloved beach!?!?! I really need to get to Greece!!!

  14. matty03 replied:

    Joe! You’re back! You must email me of your adventures in Paris! You must! And, I’m o-so-very-flatter’d to be an adjective for ‘sexy’!!!! Yay! I would run from a church service, too! …this is why we’re so sexy cool!

    Pakipoptart! Oh, you’re so sweet! Thank you! I’m looking forward to reading and learning more about you. What scary, interesting, challenging and empowering adventures you must be having on so many levels! Many props to you, my man!

  15. matty03 replied:

    Dessie! Sorry! I just sent you an email! It has been a strange weekend. Still debating if I will write about it or not! I’ve not been online much at all the last two days.

    Gina! Yes! B is going to create these free-standing walls in the new apartment. I think it will make it feel better to me but I worry that the divisors might creep me a bit. Oh! I can’t wait to read your list! I’ve not heard from Ing this weekend. I hope she is having a fun and romantic long weekend!!!

  16. Daniel replied:

    I feel the same way about Schubert, but also some other composers.
    And I HATE it when someone insists they know what I think or feel.
    I want to live somewhere near the water.

  17. matty03 replied:

    Daniel! Isn’t Schubert sadly magical? …that’s how I think of his work. Yes! No one knows how another feels — we can only empathize, sympathize and/or relate on certain levels. Get thee to a mass of water for comfort, young man!

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