WHAT THE FATHER KNEW

…this photo was taken of my father about a year before he died.

i find myself looking at it from time to time.

he didn’t know his picture was being taken.

that window looked out on the the courtyard of my grandmother’s apartment complex.

…this is the same complex where my mother now lives.

when i first saw this picture i thought he was smiling at something.

then i thought he was grimacing.

it was later that i realized he was just staring off into space —

looking rather lost.

this picture
this captured glimpse of my father
this moment from his short life fills me with several feelings

was he thinking of his pending death?
was he thinking of me?
was he thinking?

insanity or eccentricity?

anger, loneliness, hostility, hurt, sadness, regret, grief and guilt.

sometimes i hope he was feeling miserable for the things he did
and
sometimes
i like to pretend that he just didn’t realize
…that he really did not understand

sometimes, I like to think that
maybe, he just didn’t know.

a picture that manages to say nothing but almost too much.

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July 15, 2007. Uncategorized.

9 Comments

  1. Robert replied:

    In the end, whatever you’re thinking about your father, I hope it brings comfort and condolences to your heart.

  2. matty replied:

    Robert – Thank you for the sweet comment. This post was probably “too personal” …but I felt the need to write it.

  3. Old Cheeser replied:

    It’s good that you can be so open and honest! When did you last see your father Matty, if you don’t mind me asking?

    I didn’t meet my real Dad till I was about 25!

  4. matty replied:

    Cool Old Cheeser! Thanks, I believe I last saw him alive in August of 1997. He passed away in September of 1997. I believe he would have been 54 if he had made it to December of that year. He was young.

  5. ing replied:

    I’m sorry he didn’t tell you what he was thinking. Sometimes people act like they don’t “know” because they can’t accept the truth.

    You’re the best, Matty, and that’s all that matters.

  6. matty03 replied:

    Ing, no. You’re the best. Where would I be without you, my friend?

    I’m sorry he didn’t tell me, too.

    He did tell me that he was sorry the last time I saw him. I asked him for what and he told me that I knew. And, that was that.

    Funny thing is — I miss him. He could make me so angry with just a glance and he could make me laugh with another. Extremes. It is impossible, I think — to not need to try and love your parents. I do think you can hate and love at once in such situations where such major hurt happened.

    I finally found a way to face and deal with the anger. Much therapy. There is still anger there. There is still hurt. I’m damaged, but healthy and Ok.

    Still, that picture haunts me. It floats around in my psyche.

    I miss him, but I’m glad he is gone. Hard to believe it has almost been 10 years.

  7. Pants replied:

    This post makes me want to give you a hug.

  8. matty03 replied:

    Pants – Oh, thank you. It is funny how parts of the past never want to let you go. You know?

  9. Pants replied:

    I sure do.

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