6 STAPLES FROM SCANDAL!

It could happen to anyone.

You see, today was a big day! I was finally cleaning up/out and re-organizing some of the space at the office! I’ve been wanting to do this for sometime! So, I arrived to work very early, dressed in B’s oldest jeans and ready to roll! I was prepared and ready for the dirt and labor!

I should have known to ‘re-think’ my plan when B busted a new bottle of wine all over our kitchen floor this morning at about 5:30am. But, no. I pushed forward! I figured, “Well, anyone could drop a bottle of wine at 5:30 in the morning!” B wanted to stop and clean it up, but I said no — and we tossed a roll of paper towels (recycled) on top of the broken glass and cheap wine. I was on a mission to clean the office!!!!

And, for over 5 hours I forged through dust, old boxes and carted large loads via two of our office “dollies” (or ‘trucks’ for those of you who are more manly than I!) — and, I was essentially finished at about 11:45am. Not too damn bad!

However, I am not one to do things half way! No! Sure. I had accomplished what I had planned on doing, but I had finished 3 hours sooner than I had expected. So, I decided to do a bit of re-organizing of our storage cages. This was where I had brought much of the stuff from the office space.

As I attempted to lift a monitor I heard a noise. One of those, “Oh no!” sort of noises. You know the type I mean — the noises that always signal that something bad is about to happen.

Apparently the monitor was holding up a wall of heavy items. I held on to the monitor as I backed out of the way of falling cans, boxes and odd pieces of electronics. I escaped tragedy but somehow managed to get the backside of B’s jeans caught on a sort of pole-like-thing.

“Is that a tripod or a fishing pole?” I remember thinking.

It sort of felt like I was stuck. I decided to turn around to see why I couldn’t move away. Mistake.

I heard a rip and felt a rush of cold air. …on my butt.

Yes, my jeans were ripped open.

I was exposed.

Of course, the challenge was to figure out how to get myself back to my desk without mooning the staff and other innocents in the office.

Luckily I was wearing a long shirt and B’s jeans were fairly loose. I pulled the shirt down and hoisted up the jeans and started to make my way back. As I stepped down a set of steps I heard another rip.

No way! Was this really happening?

Yes. It was.

The jeans were starting to rip from the back up to the front.

I walked slowly to the front desk and asked my co-worker if she could hand me the stapler. Navigating my way down that hall, to the men’s room and firmly latching myself into the physically-challenged stall (as I do appear to be physically-challenged!) — I began the process of stapling my jeans together.

I was too cheap to call a cab. I decided I could make home it if I walked carefully. I knew I couldn’t do the bus as I would not be able to stand up, hold the rail and my jeans — and I knew the staples were likely to pop if I sat down. I walked slowly.

I was back in the Castro in about 30 minutes. I was walking cautiously and pretending not to notice the tourists who were giving me odd looks — when my friend, “S”, grabbed me from behind to surprise me. Oy! I felt another slight rip!

I explained my “issue”

He gave me one of ‘his looks’ and said, “Well, you’re in the Castro. Let ’em fall, baby!”

But you see, at this point my concern was not about exposing myself — as it was about the places where those staples were likely to stab if they broke free. I sort of rolled myself up Castro Street. By the time I reached our stoop the jeans were starting to fall off.

But, it could happen to anyone. …I think.

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July 13, 2007. Uncategorized.

16 Comments

  1. ginab replied:

    Matty,

    YOU MADE ME LAUGH!!! You did! Thank you!

    I am so happy B’s pants ripped and ripped. Too funny. (I am truly glad you didn’t get hit on the nut, no pun intended, by say a moniter…as you would be telling the world a whole different story!).

    I hope your Saturday is bright.

    Thank you, truly, for making me laugh so hard I nearly peed.

    -ginab+bb

  2. Daniel replied:

    too funny!Watch out for those sharp objects.

  3. Old Cheeser replied:

    Yeah that scene is like something out of sit-com! Or a Babs Streisand screw ball comedy. I could see Ryan O Neill doing the same thing.

    Have to say the photo of the fingers poking into the jeans looks rather rude, but that’s probably just my mind talking…

  4. jungle jane replied:

    oh my word Matty! What colour knickers were your wearing?

  5. hot lunch replied:

    blame it on it being friday the 13th! what i’m most disturbed about is the waste of perfectly good wine!

  6. matty03 replied:

    Gina! LOL! I was quite worried (at the time) that it was about to take a very nasty turn! But, luckily, it was just comical.

  7. matty03 replied:

    Daniel! Yes! I’m watching out for all sharp and falling objects from now on!

    Old Cheeser! Yes, well, it is all very Main Event-ish, isn’t it?!?!? Why! Who would ever suspect YOU, Cool Old Cheeser, of having a rude mind!?!?! lol! …I’m ready for my close-up.

  8. matty03 replied:

    Jungle Jane!!!! You’re back! My knickers? Well, that would be whole different post.

    Hot Lunch! I had not even thought about the fact that it was Friday, the 13th! Oh dear! Fear not, it was cheap wine from that wholesale place/club. …I can’t think of the name. Yes! Wait! Yes, I can — Costco. Wine purchased at Costco!

  9. Old Cheeser replied:

    Close up forthcoming!

    And yes Matty, I agree with Jungle Jane, we DEMAND to know about your underwear!!

  10. matty03 replied:

    Cool Old Cheeser – Well, really, there isn’t that much to tell excepting I really was a few staples from scandal as there was no underwear present that day. Oy! Last time I get dressed that fast!!!

  11. ing replied:

    Oh, sweetie-pie, this could only happen to you. . .

    Well, okay, I suppose something similar happened to me last week when we were getting pizza.

    Were you wearing your HOT COOKIE underwear?

  12. matty03 replied:

    Ing! …I think your incident was potentially worse than mine! I mean, I could have made some extra money. …well, maybe. were I a bit younger and more thin!

  13. Kevin replied:

    It figures — going commando on “rip your jeans day” at the office. I always miss the fun activities!

  14. matty replied:

    Kevin! …well, I think it was more funny than “fun” lol!

  15. Pants replied:

    I did something very similar on a dance floor in a Vegas nightclub. It all started with the Running Man and ended with dropping-it-like-it’s-hot. Oh it was hot, TOO hot!

    I opted for six kamikaze shots over staples…not that I had much of a choice. I will never forget that night. Sadly, neither will the asian tourists who I offered some “luck” to at 3:30am on a Monday morning. 😉

  16. matty03 replied:

    Oh, Pants, you’re my kinda girl!

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