Bits and pieces of a conversation I heard while I ate my lunch and pretended to be writing very important notes and ideas — when actually all I was doing was transcribing the things that these three rather large men were saying. They were all in their late 30’s to early 40’s, overweight and kind of, well, slimy. I don’t know how else to say it.

At first I noticed them because they were so gross. It was just the four of us in the tiny courtyard of this way cool Mission restaurant. They were trading fart jokes and comparing the sexual merits of women by their ethnicity. It was disgusting. There was also a good deal of stupid conversation around the world wrestling federation, star trek and some poor girl who was just hired. All three of them are betting on who will get to “bed” her first.

The shocking thing was that it turned out that these cretins were actually publishers/editors. And, after all their stupid conversing over their lunch they began a business meeting. They were discussing plans for what would be published and how to deal with the writers. Much to my surprise they each said a few intelligent things! Like, they all agreed that Michelle Tea is brilliant.
Tho, after they discussed her for a while — the eldest added that it made him sad that she is a lesbian (actually, he said “dyke”) …and then the fattest one commented that just the thought of her being a lesbian gave him, and I quote, “a fuckin’ huge boner, dude!”

Anyway, I sat there and wrote the comments that seemed the most odd and interesting. I think they are most fun out of context. Here are my fave comments by the 3 straight publishing “dudes”

“I’ve no concern with telling him to change his religion to sell his damn book!”

“Oh, please! That is never going to sell! What is the titty count for that one?”

“Yeah, but can he really raise Satan? Is this a valid claim?” (um, this was stated in all seriousness. i am not kidding or exaggerating)

“Can we just talk about erect nipple fiction?”

“I don’t agree. Ethics doesn’t even factor in here. All that matters is that we sell the fucker!”

“What about weed? Do we have anything working up about or ‘how to’ when it comes to the 420?”

“Shit on me if I know. I mean, I really can’t believe that idiotic book about porn stars is selling. Maybe this will sell too. And, if it doesn’t, I’m sure we can push it thru Urban Outfitters later on.”

“No. I will not suggest that one. The bottom line is that the whole dick trick thing is over.”

“I’ll take that meeting. I mean, she is the real deal. She is a great writer and has a great pair of tits!”

“Look. I don’t want to talk about board books. ‘Martha’ was talking about board books all fucking morning!”

“I know the pictures are about tying women in knots, but how is the text?”

“Is he willing to change his religion to sell this book? If we can tell PR that he is an actual Baptist it might work with the right cover.”

“We need better gay fiction. No more AIDS shit. The gay guys don’t want to read that crap!”

“I love this one. She has essentially created a novel about a girl who claims to want to have a baby so she can just fuck day and night. I swear to you! The character is using birth control the whole time! And, then she has an abortion. I really think it will sell!”

“Who does that bastard think he is?!?!? Capote?!?! Give me a fucking break!”

“What’s going on with that Marilyn Manson book? Do you think anyone is going to care?”

…lunch there will never be the same.


May 14, 2007. Uncategorized.


  1. hot lunch replied:

    i need to send them my manuscript!!

  2. matty replied:

    Hot Lunch! Yes! Do it right away and be sure to include a high “titty count” …this seemed to mean a great deal. And, please! Don’t go saying you can raise Satan and not come thru!!!

  3. ing replied:

    Oh my GOD, if only my tits were just a weensy bit bigger, maybe they’d hire me!

    Hey, when I saw that picture of you with the chicken, I my very first thought was that maybe you’d landed a new job at a fried chicken place. I don’t know why. But I also thought that this wasn’t a great move, even if you thought it would be “cool” to have a job where you got to talk directly to the chicken. I was sort of advising you in my head not to get carried away by the status of it.

    So I was relieved to read your entry, in which you make no mention that you found a new job.

    Those dudes will never, ever get laid by a woman.

  4. matty03 replied:

    Ing — You know me all too well! If I had the op, we both know I would take ANY job that provided me with the chance to speak directly to a chicken! But, in my heart of hearts I know that it would be a dead end. I guess.

    Poor, poor chicken.

  5. Old Cheeser replied:

    My god, you get to observe/hear all the best conversations don’t you, Matty! What a horrible bunch of people they sound. And how frightening to think that fat cretins like that are actually publishers! Is there any hope?

    I just LOVE their comment on gay fiction.

    I think you should find out which publishing company these guys work for, then who their MD is, and forward all your recorded comments on to them. It could produce some “interesting” results.

    And erm, why are you posing with a chicken, Matthew dear? (Still no worse than my plastic waxwork shots in Somerset I suppose)

  6. matty replied:

    Cool Old Cheeser! I know! Wouldn’t that be cool! I need to check with my “inside connection” to the world of publishing to figure out who is out here. I suppose they could have been meeting with a writer and just having lunch, tho. …It’s a nice spot.

    But, yes. I think I might be a bit of a freak magnet. Being such gives me certain opportunities not afforded to others. Some good and some quite bad.

    Actually, I’ve a theory that if we all stopped and just listened — we’d all be quite surprised at what we hear. People say “Krazy” things all the time. I think it is my job to take note!

    I can’t really speak about the chicken. If I did, I could be killed.

  7. Meredith replied:

    I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry. Cry I think, I’m crazily jealous of your people observing ability there in civilization. My interesting quotes are few and far between here.
    I’m dying to know who they were referring to in the comment about Capote and what exactly is erect nipple fiction. I think I could possibly get into that genre.

  8. matty03 replied:

    LOL! …don’t be jealous! Trust me! I need to look at my notes — and at 1am I’m too lazy. But, I know that the erect nipple stuff had to do with some translated stuff from Japan.

    …I think the oddest thing was the discussion of a book on statanism and the fact that one of these goofs actually asked, in a very serious way, if the writer could indeed call up and have Satan rise upon command as he felt that it was important that they know that claim to be valid. …and this guy was serious.

    …welcome to San Francisco! LOL! …I love it.

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