A ROLLER DISCO FAILURE

I’m going to be honest. I have to admit it, own it and work through it.

Today was such a stunningly beautiful San Francisco day! And, Ing and I met up, walked to Golden Gate Park to master our new roller skates! Yes, we each have our key! I expected this to be a triumphant day. After all, I used to a major playa in the world of roller disco! …when I was 12. A dear friend was so kind as to recently remind me that this was over 27 years ago and that a lot can change in 27 years. Gotta love friends like that. …Especially when they turn out to be right. Ugh!

Yes, we sat down under a perfect tree. We laced up our new roller skates. Mine are black with blue wheels. Ing’s are white with pink wheels. Ing stood up and took to her skates like a goddess — Ing skated to a level of disco finesse not seen since Linda Blair strutted her stuff in the summer of 1979! In short, Ingrid rocked the streets of San Francisco! Fetching boys stopped all that they were doing to watch her work her wheels! Her slight, yet curvy frame filled the park with awe by her very disco grace!

Enchanted and inspired, I jumped up and shot out with my best Roller Disco King move — and promptly slammed into a street light. In the next five minutes I ran down two toddlers, a mean man with an ice cream cone and an old lady on a respirator. It was a roller disco tragedy!

As Ing was signing a few autographs for tourists and discussing a possible endorsement deal with reps from Bebe, Inc. — she told me that not every one could achieve the level of roller disco perfection as she. She told me to be patient, brave and to keep my chin up — as she did a double jointed spiral turn into the air causing several of us to hum an old Earth Wind & Fire song.

At one point, as I attempted to avoid crashing into that dude in the wheelchair with the basket full of puppies I heard some mean guy with overly-pimped out hair humming Sesame Street! The jerk! I missed the disabled guy and his puppies but made a point of rolling over this guy’s toes.

Finally, I fell to the ground. I cursed the Heavens and wished a plague of locusts on The White House — and tore off my skates. No, my friends, I have not given up! I can’t! Ingrid needs me to master this! I am required to be able to hold her up and twirl after she does her big finale move! After all, it is up to us to save the local disco roller rink from the mob who intend to turn it into a Starbucks! And, only our winning the Big SF Roller Disco Prize of 1977, uh, I mean 2007 can prevent that from happening!
She can count on me.

I think I just need to get to an actual roller rink. I may even need to take a few lessons. Ing offered to teach me, but I can’t afford her rates. Even with that “best friend” discount she promised me. Listen, I totally understand: Disco Superstars do not stay superstars by being cheap!

Anyway, after Ingrid caused all the men in the park to swoon and the women to be totally jealous. She took off her skates and we walked about 30 miles (we both tend to get a little lost) — and, I had to actually pop a wiz in one of those scary ass Golden Gate Park public restrooms! I was standing there — doing my business (so to speak) — and had to hear the most impossible sounds coming from the stall next to where I was standing. It was horrible and the stench was almost unbearable. I only share these details to reveal a very important bit of knowledge with each of you!

Well, you see, as the my fellow public restroomer was going thru some sort of intestinal problem from Hell — he was also on a cell phone — one of those Nextel Walkie Talkie cell phones that usually look like Hummer vehicles — only smaller. Anyway, he was bitching at his friend because he was far too sick to make it to Geary Street in time for the “Sunday Pick-up” — so he was telling his pal that he needed to get his butt to Geary to pick up the pills so that they could make their money tonight! I was only in the restroom for about a minute. Ingrid and I waited patiently to see what San Francisco Drug Dealers look like these days. (I really wouldn’t know!) …and, after about five minutes, we discovered that they actually look like professional golfers. Go figure. I was also surprised to see that this guy could walk with such ease! Trust me! I was surprised he could stand upright after the case of shits he had just gone through much less walk.

Anyway, Ing dried my tears. Made me sign a pack in my own blood that I would learn to skate very soon and we had dinner at Orphan Andy’s where Ing ate some sort of curd’d cheese and I sarf’d down a chili omlette. It was delicious!
We love Orphan Andy’s!!!

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April 15, 2007. Uncategorized.

24 Comments

  1. ing replied:

    Liar!!

    I tried to pretend that the guys were looking at me and my skates, but actually Matty and his cuteness were distracting everyone from my disco moves! I guess disco is dead. . .

    You did just fine, Matty. I’m the one who broke my ass, not you. We’ll get to a rink, and soon you’ll be skating circles around me, you’ll see.

  2. Daniel replied:

    Matty, I know perfectly well you were just doing your Marx brothers routine on skates, in order to distract the crowd, and provide the foil to Ing, so she could work the crowd for money
    So how much did you guys make?

  3. Old Cheeser replied:

    Hilarious story. Darling, I think you need a little more practice before you become Kira the Goddess of Dance. I mean even old Livvie must have had the odd lesson or two. Keep trying and you will surely master the art!

    And the pic of you grabbing the pillar is rather funny. Look on the bright side, at least you had something phallic to hold onto.

    I have to admit going out of control and having an accident on a pair of skates is something I dread. My friend of a friend still wants to go to a roller disco for her birthday in a couple of months and I am simultaneously looking forward to and dreading it!

    And the drug dealer tale is interesting. I will never look at golfers in the same way again.

  4. Robert replied:

    BTW, you guys didn’t get ’em shiny spandex boot covers?!? Shame on you two!

  5. hot lunch replied:

    you mean you didn’t get on the ground with one arm behind your back and kick your roller skates out in front of you and back again like in that Madonna “Sorry” video? oh well, maybe next time!! it looks like such fun!

  6. brooke replied:

    This is the best blog post ever.

    I want to move to San Francisco and play with you and Ing.

  7. sortedlives replied:

    Like Brittney and Madonna says… practice, practice, practice. The story was hysterical. I have a very similar about someone in the restroom on the phone when someone else’s ass exploded in the stall next to him.

  8. ginab replied:

    Rinks are slippery! Watch out Ing for Matty on a slick wood floor.

    But yowza, only perfection for the roller disco divas!

    I think the trees were happiest with the weather! Another kind of passer-by?

    -ginab

  9. ing replied:

    I tried to warn Matty about the slipperiness of rink-skating and how fast people go on those smooth floors. But he insisted that the rink was essential for his “professional development.”

    I sho ’nuff want to try that Madonna move from “Sorry!” I’ll search around on youtube and see if I can master it BEFORE Matty steals my thunder.

  10. matty03 replied:

    Ing — Disco will never die! It never did! This is why God gave us Madonna!

    Daniel – Do you know all we made was a lousy buck seventy five?!?!? Ing was a bit shy about me breaking out the boom box or I think we could have made more.

    Cool Old Cheeser — I don’t know. I think Madonna emerged from Michigan with all she needed to know. Still, I totally understand your fear! I didn’t realize how strong mine was till I put my boogie roller shoes on! I must — and so must you — face my roller fears!!!

    Robert — Well, see, we’re saving the glitter and shine for when we are really ready to hit San Francisco full on with our roller glory! Soon, my friend! Soon!

  11. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch – Ok, OK. I will fess up. I did do that move when Ing was about 25 yards ahead of me. She was rushing forward. And, I figured, “It’s now or never” — so I did it. …to a great deal of applause!!!! I told Ing the cheering was for her moves. It’s not easy being as talented and glam as me!

    Brooke! LOL! Thanks! Come and play!!!!

    Sorted Lives! Oh, come on! Share the story!!!! We want to know more!!!

    Gina – the trees were very happy! And, I was hugging all of them as I moved along the street! I know the floors are slippery, but I think I will feel more comfortable with rails and a wooden floor vs. concrete with cracks, toddlers and old lost people.

  12. matty03 replied:

    Ing – Oh dear, I didn’t mean to steal your thunder. It was just one of those snap-happy moments when your back was to me and I opted for the Madonna Sorry Move — it was — well, I was disco grace in motion!! …but it was fleeting. For just as I finished it — was when I slammed into that tiny lady with the basket of shredded paper.

    The more I think about it — we probably should have helped her clean up that mess. …Or, at least check to make sure she was still alive. Still. You were probably right. The faster we got out of the there the safer we were.

    …roller disco fugitives.

  13. Dessie replied:

    Look at all those gorgeous legs!!

    ::looks down at his hamhock legs::

    ::cries::

    😉

  14. matty replied:

    Dessie! I’m sure you’ve gorgeous legs! Stop cutting yourself down! You rock! We all know it, baby! kisses, matty

  15. Kevin replied:

    You’re a regular Skatetown USA out there.

  16. matty replied:

    Kevin! Oh my God! If you only knew how badly I want to see SKATETOWN USA! …I had the chance once. But a certain gorgeous person with whom I skate was too tired to stay and watch it. …but, that’s a whole other story. LOL! Wow! Scott Baio AND Marcia Brady!!!

  17. Kris replied:

    That sounds awesome! What I’d pay to see you two rollerskating….

  18. ing replied:

    Pay?!?! Where were you when we were working the crowd for $$?

    Y’know, we would have made a whole lot more if Matty would have passed that bag I gave him over the partition in the men’s room.

    And I am SO PISSED about that “Sorry” move! I’m going to study in private and find something even better!

    Dessie, I know that you’re absolutely gorgeous inside and out. I do.

  19. matty03 replied:

    Kris! LOL! Well, if I can just re-learn to skate so that Ing doesn’t outshine me too badly — you can have a front row seat at no charge!

  20. matty03 replied:

    Ing – Stick to the glory of the wheels, baby! I’ll make you a star! I didn’t want to pass the bag in that restroom for fear of what might have been deposited in it! I’m sure you can do the Madonna Sorry move! I just know it!

  21. Tim replied:

    “Roller-Disco Fugitives” … now there’s a movie waiting to be made!!

  22. matty03 replied:

    Tim! Right you are! Now, all we need is a couple of Power Producers, ELO and Linda Blair — then we will be ready to roll! …so to speak.

  23. Kevin replied:

    Ha! I can’t believe you remembered, nay KNEW, about that movie. Although to be honest, I only remember the blond guy in it — the lead.

    I would love to see it again though.

  24. matty replied:

    Kevin — Of course I know of that film!!!! I do so wish it was on DVD!!! Sad. …to deny us of guilty disco pleasure.

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