SCORCH’D!!! …Torn from the pages of my secret journal!!!

Journal Entry — Date: May 4th 1976. Scorchy, AKA Undercover Federal Agent Matty Stanfield, AKA Scorchy to the vile criminal underworld. …”Sure, they all think I’m some mild mannered kid working his way up the corporate ladder. Today the mail room, tomorrow the corner office with a view. Little do they know who I really am! And, today I got docked half a day’s pay because I came in a bit late. But, Dear Journal – what am I to do? I can’t very well tell my boss what really went down last night!

I had just gotten “home” when I got the call. I hate it when the BPD contacts me. My platform shoe is already hard enough to work on these gobble stone streets and it is even harder to navigate when one of them rings. And, not a soul in that cold gray building seems to understand that people take notice when a boy stops strutting to pull off his platform shoe and put it to his ear. Sure, we know it’s a phone but the average Joe thinks I’m talking into a glitter shoe.

Anyway, Whitey was on his way to Pleasure Dome Motel in Roxbury. Damn! That gave me all of about 5 minutes to run to my “real” apartment, shower, slip into my silky work clothes and get to crime busting! But, I did it. Why? Because I kick ass!

By the time I get to Pleasure Dome Tony was waiting for me. I know what you’re thinking, Dear Journal, but Whitey is never on time and it had been a whole week since last I saw Tony. Well, he was so glad to see me! He pulled me into his big arms, busted down the door to our suite, tossed me on the bed and ripped my clothes off! It was hot! I almost lost my silver wig with maxi wings! Anyway, he was grinding away! It was x-tasy! I’m telling you!

Now, my therapist told me that I was “deflecting” — Yes, Dear Journal, I finally told him all. I explained that I’m really an armed and dangerous crime fighter devoted to bringing Whitey and his team of thug drug dealers to their knees. Dr. X told me that while he felt it was normal to be upset — you see, Whitey’s Top Man busted in on us and killed Tony with a stab in his back just as I was about to reach my “special moment” — Well! Of course I was upset! I freaked, actually!

I pushed Tony off me. I pulled out my 45, tossed my wig maxi wings with a level of flare seldom demonstrated and plugged Whitey’s Top Man! I iced him on the spot.
Of course he fired a shot at me. Dear Journal, I still haven’t figured out why or how, but no one is ever able to hit me! It is the coolest thing. They always miss me. I’m like this impossible target. I think it must have to do with my incredible hot looks and super swinging style.

Anyway, I was so mad! Dr. X said that I was not being honest. Sure, it is tough to lose your lover in such a way but the real problem were the blood stains on my haute couture silk jacket that was lying under us! He is probably correct on that score.

It was a good session, tho. I’m feeling more empowered and am so ready to take those bastards down! Of course, as much as I hated to do it. I iced Dr. X. I mean, NO ONE CAN KNOW WHO I AM AND WHAT I DO! However, I did give him my very best wig flip before I pulled the trigger. That has to be worth something in this world!

Well, Dr. Journal, there is much to do! I have to meet with the CIA, FBI and the Massachusetts Governor at 4pm and I’ve got a copy project from Hell that I’ve got to get to that creep in Finance. And, then there is the sticky matter of Tony’s funeral. I want to go, but I will have to secure a great disguise. Perhaps I should call Bond. James Bond. He might have an idea.

You know, someone should really make a movie of my adventures!

love and kisses!


April 5, 2007. Uncategorized.


  1. hot lunch replied:

    Fo’ Sho’ !!!

  2. ing replied:

    Hey, Scorchy!

    1. I can absolutely picture talking into a platform-shoe-phone.

    2. WINGS aren’t for wigs, they’re for maxi pads. Specifically, Always brand. Which, doesn’t that sound like a Judy Blume title, Always?

  3. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch! You said it, baby!

  4. matty03 replied:

    Ginger69! Uh, I mean, Ing! I thought you were not going to reveal your undercover identity?!?!?! Of course you can picture the platform shoe phone! You have one! But that is top secret stuff! And, on top of that —- I thought I was the only one of the Crime Fighting Team that was going to reveal my true age. 70. Wings were not applied to maxi pads in 1976, baby! Remember? Wings were for angels and hot babes in frosted wigs!

    …oh, wait.

    I just realized that you were trying to keep me undercover and I ended up blowing yours.

    D’oh! Sorry, babe!

    Time to go underground again! I hear that there is a new syndicate working The Bernal Heights area. I’ll meet you at the Witching Hour where the crow calls for more!

    (secret code that only we undercover agents know)

  5. Kevin replied:

    OMG I can see your nipple!

  6. matty replied:

    Kevin — I know. I’m scandalous.

  7. Dirk, too replied:

    My friend bacame an inadvertant extra in the film when they were location shooting here in Seattle. He always referred to it by what he insisted was it’s true title…Trashy.

  8. matty replied:

    Dirk, too! Oh my God! Your friend is so lucky and cool! Was he the guy with the motorcycle who gets killed so the other guy can take his wheels!?!? I am most jealous! Please tell him! It is a crime that this masterpiece is not on DVD for me to watch over and over again!

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