HELL ON WHEELS
No, this is not me. But, if only. You see, once upon a time there was an 11 year old boy called “Matty” who was quite good on his wheels and he often thought that the path of life would lead to be just like this man! But, then disco became uncool. As did perms and bushy staches. Not to mention flare leg’d pants. However, now, at 40 I think I’m ready to take my spin on the roller disco floor! But, I’m still not sure. But in the near future I shall invest in a pair of roller skates. I know I will not be able to aspire to the level of smooth 70’s funky cool as this gent, but I do hope to be able to do that move in my boot cut Mavi jeans! …maybe I will find a vest at the thrift shop.
Of course, my best pal, Ing, is a champion skater from way back and has still retained her skills. She will be my coach. I’m thinking that once I get mine back she and I just might build a barn in your back yard and put on a roller disco musical! It is high time for one. You have to admit!
But, one thing is for sure! I will be starting my biking adventures as of tomorrow! Yes, I’ve insurance as of tomorrow! Today, I might pick up a basket for my kick-stand’d bike. Why? Because I’m wicked cool and do not want to get my messenger bag caught in the wheels or to slip from my person! Silly! Why do you ask me such silly questions!
Yes, I’m soon to be on wheels! Watch out, baby!
Like my dear friend, Cher, once sang:
“…Well I’m hell on wheels say I’m roller crazy
I won’t go too fast no I won’t go too far
We’ll be high on wheel if the room gets hazy
Just look out for me I’m your guiding star
guiding star, guiding star
See something you like, better go for it
See something you want, better get down on it
See something you like, better go for it
See something you want
Let’s roll hell on wheels let’s roll
Come on and roll with me
I roll at a quarter till three yeah
And let’s rock hell on wheels let’s rock
Come on and rock it with me
I’ll make you feel so free yeah, look out
If you see something you like, you better go for it
If you see something you want, you better get down on it…”
Matty's Bit Of Space 
ing replied:
I roll at a quarter till three yeah
WHAT?
Yes, I will definitely be your coach! And I used to be able to do that move, the one the man in the ‘stache is doing — I used to do it backwards, weaving back and forth between cones! Now, I don’t know. But I can definitely lift you up over my head while I spin.
Have fun on your bike! I’m going to take mine out next weekend, unless I’m still sick, but how could that be?
Wear your helmet!
March 31, 2007 at 8:18 pm. Permalink.
joe replied:
I want to go to Xanadu. Alas, I don’t have flared disco pants, but I do have super super wide rave pants that probably could cover fun fur boots, but also makes my ass look super hot (very tight there). I’ll pass on the roller blades, tho. I’ll just have to enjoy them vicariously through you.
March 31, 2007 at 8:29 pm. Permalink.
Meredith replied:
I read “bushy staches” as bushy snatches (again, could be the vodka, could be the dirty mind). I was wondering what on earth THAT ever had to do with roller disco.
I miss roller skates. The real ones with the knobs in front to stop with. I wonder if you can even buy them anymore. One just can’t roller disco in roller blades.
March 31, 2007 at 8:30 pm. Permalink.
brooke replied:
Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’
Keep movin’, movin’, movin’,
Though they’re disapprovin’,
Keep them doggies movin’ MATTY!!!!
April 1, 2007 at 5:12 am. Permalink.
Old Cheeser replied:
Roller skating is coool! And very “in” again.
How strange that you should write about this topic just now, Matty. Just the other night a friend of a friend invited us to a Roller Disco in Vauxhall (South London)which sounds like loads of fun!
Only thing is I don’t think I’ve tried it since I was very young. So serious practice is required.
And look at how many movies have featured roller skates The incomparable “Xanadu” (I’m shortly due to write on that one) with Livve as the roller-skating goddess of dance and the weird-looking Robert Beck following suit! And Roller girl in “Boogie Nights” was the height of cool (although not very nice when she kicked that guy with her skates, the bitch).
And…ahem!…what is Cher doing in that photo?? What’s the name of the song by the way?
I think we need a Dr Who story set in a roller disco.
April 1, 2007 at 7:43 am. Permalink.
matty03 replied:
Ing! I don’t think there are any disco cones, but I could be wrong! There is a way cool roller disco in Oakland from what I’ve heard! No bike riding this weekend, but I’ve got my basket attached and am ready to roll for tomorrow. I might wear my helmet.
Joe! Hey! We can find you some true flare-leg’d pants and no line skate! No sir! We are talking hardcore roller skates from days of yore! Yes! You can do it!! You must!!!
Lovely Meredith! Yes! You can buy them! There are some wicked cool ones out there! Just do a google search. Sadly, it appears that one has to buy them online. I’d prefer to try them on. Anyway, it was suggested that I start out with the men’s rollerskates sold by Target.com. …they don’t sell them in their stores. Anyway, I ordered a black pair today! whoo-hoo!!!!
Brooke! You bet! I’ll be rolling my way into the hear of San Francisco! …Maybe I could even figure out a way to work baton twirling into it!!!
Old Cheeser! That is too funny you mention that. I was talking to a skater yesterday and she was talking about all the cool clubs (some underground) in England where the roller disco “movement” is starting to move into full swing. She told me about some cool club in London that is 3 floors! I really need to move to the UK. Oh, XANADU — as you know, one of my fave bad movies! And, you’re referring to the fab Linda Blair!!! She rocked (and rolled) in ROLLERBOOGIE! …and, Cher sang the theme song to ROLLER BOOGIE!!! It was called “Hell On Wheels” …and those are the lyrics in my post. That picture was taken at about that time! Cher was a big player in the disco roller scene of the late 70’s! Cher rules!
…Dr. Who on skates. Hmmmmm…
April 1, 2007 at 5:18 pm. Permalink.
Dessie replied:
Oh Matty – do mind your fingers and ankles!
I shall be so worried now.
April 2, 2007 at 11:33 am. Permalink.
ing replied:
I’m sure B will make him wear a helmet and kneepads. Which, that’s a very good idea. . .
April 2, 2007 at 3:02 pm. Permalink.
Tim replied:
I’m liking this use of the apostrophe to replace the letter e when you would normally add ‘ed’ on the end of a word – very Olde English Matty. What a classical chap you are! And I know that roller disco you mentioned in London, I was thinking about going there for my 30th birthday in a few weeks! How spooky!!!
April 2, 2007 at 3:21 pm. Permalink.
Tim replied:
PS : This is the London one – it’s now spread to 2 venues, one north and one south! http://www.rollerdisco.info/
April 2, 2007 at 3:24 pm. Permalink.
matty03 replied:
Dessie! Awwww, you worry about me! I’m touched! I shall be fine! I’m a roller boogie expert from way back!!!
Ing! No!!!! No knee pads or silly helmets are allowed when disco roller skating! No! We shall not tell B!
Tim – Why, thank ye! LOL! I’ve always liked doing that! Like the look of it. Anyway, I am so totally stoked that you will be ringing in 30 at that awesome disco roller boogie place of glory! Now, that I know you know where it is — please work with Y to make a space for me, B and Ing so that we might live with you two as the three of us pursue our disco dreams! Well, B probably won’t be too up for the whole disco glory thing but he will enjoy the museums and stuff! None of us are very big, have no drug problems, are clean and quiet as mice. We’ll be there in a few! Kisses!
…Tim, I can’t believe you’re about to turn 30?!?!? Where in the hell has the time gone!?!?!? I remember when you were just a baby! …and I was not old. sigh.
April 2, 2007 at 5:17 pm. Permalink.
ing replied:
I won’t tell B if you promise to watch your step around me! I’m small-boned.
Are we going to London, then? Yay! Just to clarify, what constitutes a “drug problem”?
You aren’t old, Matty. But rest assured, you’ll always, always be older than me. You don’t show it, but it’s true. This makes me so very happy.
April 2, 2007 at 5:35 pm. Permalink.
matty03 replied:
Ing – I’m the fragile one! You need to take care when you toss me about above your head during the proto-hustle move you working on!
Yes, I think we should grab B, toss him in a cab and rush to the airport and off to Tim & Y’s cool/swank London pad!
Yes, I am older than you. But, tragically, B, Tim and Y are all younger than both of us. I think I look older than everyone at the moment. oy.
April 2, 2007 at 5:49 pm. Permalink.
ing replied:
You don’t show it! C’mon!
April 3, 2007 at 6:13 am. Permalink.
matty replied:
Ing – awwwwwww!!!! thank you! …even if it isn’t really true!
April 3, 2007 at 11:43 am. Permalink.
Tim replied:
The rollerdisco’s on me then! Although not literally I hope, as that might be a tad painful, and I’m not very sturdy. London’s dreamy spires, ancient culture, post-modern urban chic venues, and ….. ROLLERDISCO await you!! And probably a few chavs as well 😦
April 3, 2007 at 4:22 pm. Permalink.
matty03 replied:
Tim! Cool! …we will pay our own way. Actually, Ing will pay. I’ve no patients for chavs! I’ve no time for haters! I shall do them in with my fab rollerdisco moves!
April 4, 2007 at 5:44 am. Permalink.