It so totally sucked. I had rehearsed the number time and time again. And, I had carefully reviewed all the cues with Ruddy but he still screwed it all up. Once again, as the song reached that single second when slide back into the chair and pull the chain so that the water splashes all over me with the full-on-impact of the light shining out from behind me to the audience — nothing but the thud of the bucket hitting the stage.

Yep. Ruddy forgot to properly secure the bucket AND he forgot to fill it with water! And Feelisha left her special pole in view stage left.

So, there I am. My back arched perfectly. The back of my neck braced against the top of the chair. I mean, I was in perfect form! It should have been magic.

…and, then they laughed at me.

No applause or gasps at my generous artistry. Nope. Just chuckles and a few shout outs for Feelisha to return with her stupid pole — which is in dire need of a washing I might add!

I did my best to recover.

I jumped up, managed a triple back flip and pulled my the right top of my torn sweat shirt further down my shoulder. I held up both hands and did my best to dazzle. I then pranced around the chair while I drop-kicked the bucket backstage. And, I swear! I didn’t know that Bebe Big Tits was standing there! Maybe I do need glasses. I hope those stitches don’t leave a scar. Bebe has had a pretty rough year — not to mention her soiled moment during her tribute dance to Rod Stewart. I’m telling you, you can plan all you want but sometimes the body functions have a mind all of their own. Anyway, Bebe was pretty sweet about it. I’ve almost got that taste out of my mouth.

After I rid the stage of the stupid bucket, I pranced down the kitty walk to see if I might collect any tips. As per usual I was able to dodge most of the beer bottles. We all know I’m nothing if not a fucking pro! However, there is always that one stray long neck! So, I was a little out of it when I made the mistake of thinking that the napkin at the end of the walk was a dollar bill. It was so totally nasty! Damn Feelisha and her wanton pole work! Why don’t they just toss those wipes on the floor?!!?

It is nights like those that actually make me happy just to get back to the site and focus on my welding. Even still, I think my lack of sleep is catching up with me. I almost welded Joe to my bracing bar. Damn! Good thing he was wearing his metal mesh muscle shirt! It was so cute — had had shown up with flowers. I think he should be out of the hospital next week. Note to self: Get him a card!

Maybe I’m getting too old for this game. Last week this smart ass kid told me that my “flash” was more like a “spurt”

…I don’t know. He might have meant it as a compliment. He hadn’t thrown anything at me or Lacey — who has never been the same since she lost that last ice skating competition. Poor baby. Anyway, Bebe convinced me that changing my banner to “Spurtdance” might work for her but I better stick to my “Flashdance” one. I still think I need to have a new sign made, tho. I’ve been using this one since 1988 when that bitch at the ballet academy fired me.

I do have a new idea for a dance, tho! Of course I will still be using my strobe lights, mime talents and prancing but this time I think I might work in a moment when I can break out a few new jazzer-cize moves! Note to self: Pick up some more glitter skin paint!

love and kisse, m

March 28, 2007. Uncategorized.


  1. Tim replied:

    It took me a while to decide whether this was a genuine moment from your rather colourful past, or just a product of your fevered imagination ….. I’m still not entirely sure … ;-p

  2. ing replied:

    I remember when that happened to you! What a feelin’!

    In the second poster, I forget what those blue things falling from the sky actually were — were they giant sperm, or tampons?

    Now that you’ve made it, do you think you’ll ever take up welding again?

  3. joe replied:

    two words. leg warmers.

  4. matty03 replied:

    Tim – It’s all true. Every word. I do not write fiction. I live it, baby!

    Ing – I know! You were there. I’m sorry your roller skating idea didn’t fly at the club. Don’t give up on your dream! However, you might want to consider letting go of the Spartan flag during your Figure 12’s. Just a thought. We’re still trying to patch the holes you made in the roof. Those are the drops of water from those leaks. If Ruddy ever did his job correctly it would be a total splash of water raining down on me. …You’re thinking of Bebe Big Tits. She is the one who tried that avante gaurde number with the tampons. Oh, excuse me, my rainbow color’d leg warmers are slipping into my clogs. I might trip! That will never do at the wielding site tomorrow. I’m a wielder by day. Flashdancer by night. Always and forever!

    Joe! You’re well enough to write! I’m so relieved. I’m really sorry for that accident with my torch! But, you’ll be up and about in not time. Maybe it is a good idea to stop with the metal mesh muscle shirts. cotton is just as good. I’m going to invest in some new leg warmers that won’t fall down so easily! I promise!

  5. Kevin replied:

    Oh dear God – I need to see the video.

  6. matty03 replied:

    Kevin – Oh, sorry. No one wants to film me. Oh, wait. You mean FLASHDANCE! …Yes, you must!

  7. Meredith replied:

    Welding. The word is welding. It took me forever to figure out what you meant. That might have been due to the vodka or it might have been because the Flashdance theme was playing incessantly in my head. Thank you sooooooooooooooo much Matty darlin!

  8. matty03 replied:

    Loveley Meredith! Oh no! A major type-o! I must repair it now!!!! LOL! I think I type too fast for my own good!

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