BETTY, MY UGLY BABY…

The other night I dreamed I had a baby daughter. babydoll.jpg
It was hot, but dry and I realized I was living in Arizona. I was living in the desert. I was driving a green pick-up truck and my baby was sitting next to me. She couldn’t have been more than a few months old but she wasn’t in a baby seat. Actually, she wasn’t even wearing a seat belt.

“Betty, I’ve told you time and time again — wear your seat belt!”
She didn’t answer me. She ignored me. I looked over at her and it struck me that Betty was ugly. My baby was ugly and mean.

“Betty. I’m speaking to you.”

Once again, she ignored me. Her father. But, if I was her father — who was her mother? Where had Betty come from and why were we in Arizona? And, why was I expecting a baby to speak to me? And, why the hell wasn’t she in a secure baby seat facing the seat instead of the dashboard? As all of these questions ran through my head and sweat poured down the fore of it — my baby spoke.

“Pa, I don’t wear no seat belt. Ya know better. I’s wears what I want when I’s want. And, ya better call me by my right name!”

“Betty, what do you mean? I named you Betty. It is your only name. Betty Stanfield. That is your name!”

Betty jumped up on to her tiny feet. I was terrified she might bang into the dashboard or the windshield. And, then I noticed that I had one of those little scented pine trees hanging from the rear view mirror. What had happened to me? How could this be real.

I slowed the car down to a stop. I was careful not to stop too fast as I didn’t want Betty to get hurt.

“I’s wanna to be called ‘Pumpkin’! I’s wanna be your baby pumpkin! I’s your baby pumpkin and I’s do what I’s wants!”

Betty began to jump up and down.

I instinctively knew that the only thing that would calm my ugly baby down was to plug in the Foghat 8-track tape she loved. As she jumped wildly about the front seat, I reached into the glove box, pulled out the tape and plugged it in.

“…Blessed are the days I spent with you,
Realizin’ precious moments we never knew.
Right now I’m just imagining this thing…”

Betty started to calm down. I noticed she had tiny razor sharp teeth. I felt a bit afraid. But, she sat back down and somehow managed to pull her seat belt on.

“I’s wants a new baby doll so me’s can play house with Johnnie-Ray! Pa, you’s gonna buy me a purtty baby doll!”

I knew I only had $3 but I also knew that I better find a way to get Betty the doll she wanted.

“Don’t you worry, sweetie. Daddy is going to get you the coolest doll that Daisy sells! You’re my pumpkin!”

“I loves you’s, Daddy!”

I sighed, started the truck and we were off to Daisy’s Department Store. I wondered if I might be able to convince Daisy to trade a doll for one of the birdhouses I had made. And, then I wondered when I learned to make doll houses.

As we drove down the long stretch of pavement Foghat sang on.

“…because I need, I need you baby,
I need, I need you by my side,
I need, I need, I need you to keep me satisfied,
Gonna hold you, I’m gonna to squeeze,
I’m going to love you…”

It struck me odd that I would have an 8-track tape — and, even more odd that it would be by Foghat. I hate Foghat. And, I realized that while my baby was an evil, illiterate, ugly vampire baby — she was my child. And, I loved her. Even if she did like Foghat. foghat1.jpg

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March 20, 2007. Uncategorized.

15 Comments

  1. ing replied:

    Okay, I have a theory about Baby Betty, but I will tell you my theory in private. I agree that you love her, though you understand that she’s not reasonable in certain ways.

  2. matty replied:

    Ing – Ok, but I think this horror is the result of hearing people talk about some TV show I’ve not ever seen, eating too many nachos for dinner and happening to hear Foghat blaring from a Mission garage as I walk home. All adds up!

  3. Pants replied:

    It’s no wonder you bought a dream catcher!

  4. Daniel replied:

    What delicious horrors lie hidden in your psyche!

  5. brooke replied:

    That is the scariest fricking thing I’ve ever read.

    However, I love the name Betty. I think if you did have a daughter you would name her Betty. And she would be a total Betty as well.

  6. matty replied:

    Pants – Well, the dream catcher was originally for those dreams brought on by the scary psycho date you had to endure! …but, now I probably need to use it for my ugly dream baby, Betty. Actually, I don’t have a dream catcher. Not too cool. LOL!

    Daniel – Oh, I know! Most worrying!

  7. Meredith replied:

    Your creepy baby dream had a very Rob Zombie feel to it. I got goosebumps. Wonder what it all means?
    You’re not pregant are you? 😉

  8. matty replied:

    Brooke! Isn’t it most worrying?!?!? You know, I’m not too nuts about the name “betty” — I tend to assign it to dolls, things and other such stuff because it is easy to remember. I really love the names: Sara, Sophie, Lily and Brooke (yes!) …don’t make fun, but I always have thought that Brooke Sheilds is so stunningly beautiful — that I think I’ve always loved your name! And, I suspect you’re a hottie, too! I would want my daughter to be a hottie!

    Lovely Meredith! Oh, I think Rob Zombie is sooooo hot! LOL! Cool! I don’t know. Ing seems to have a theory which she is planning to share with me in private. Hmmmmm… I think it was just indigestion and too much news on that TV show I’ve never seen. I don’t think I’m pregnant. However one never knows!

  9. ing replied:

    If you’re pregnant, my theory is blown. Otherwise, it stands. These details add up, but they add up FOR A REASON! And as you know, everything I say is true and correct.

  10. matty replied:

    Ing, PR Person At Large! No, I don’t think I’m preggars. And, yes, I know you’re always correct. You told me so yourself. …That time you held me upside down over the interstate demanding that I agree? Well, I agreed! Stands to reason!

    YOU HAVE AN AWESOME NEW JOB!!!!! YAY!

  11. hot lunch replied:

    can i also call you Daddy?

    maybe you were having an Ally McBeal moment?

    By any chance, did you also hear this song playing in the background: http://www.radioblogclub.com/open/51380/hooked_on_a_feeling/Blue%20Suede%20-%20Hooked%20on%20a%20Feeling

  12. Tim replied:

    Crikey, that’s a very disturbing dream! Baby Betty is NOT to be messed with!!

  13. matty03 replied:

    Hot Lunch — I don’t think I much the “daddy” type, but you may call me that if you like. LOL! …And, no, thank God! It would be just tragic if Hooked on a Feeling was ruined by a nightmare. I never cared for Foghat.

    Tim – Yes, I don’t ever want to dream of her again! LOL!

  14. Ellen replied:

    Cripes, I’m 31 weeks preg and I haven’t had any f’d up dreams like that, Matt! And where’d you get that creepy picture?

  15. matty03 replied:

    Ellen!!!!! Who knows?? But, I think I found the picture somewhere in the vast galaxy we call google.com! LOL!

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