PREPARE FOR GLORY …AND FACISIM AT THE MEGAPLEX!

300_climb2.jpg Yes, Gerard Butler is totally gorgeous as is the “look” of 300 but I had a great difficulty getting past all the odd mix of homo-erotic moments mixed with all that equally odd mix of homo-phobia. And, while I did get a kick out a few over-the-top moments I was driven to worry by the fact that the movie felt like it had been financed by President Bush and Stoop-n-Fetch-It-Woman-of-the-Moment, Ms. Condi Rice — essentially, the Spartan way of life seemed to be dedicated to pursuit of violence and bloodshed in pursuit of some odd idea of freedom that meant you were required to look and act like everyone else, take steroids and kill anyone unfortunate enough not to look like a gym bunny or overly tanned Estee Lauder model. Actually, there didn’t appear to be any real freedom or fun in Sparta-land. Just hot men in leather bikinis in need of a gay parade. And, I didn’t know that Spartans had waxing salons for men!?!?! Who knew? The king’s wife was hairy than he was. …and, actually, he had bigger tits. Tho, Mr. Butler is incredibly hot. Tho, his beard seemed to have a hard on and I couldn’t figure that one out. gbusa300mofix1.jpg …but who wouldn’t want to help him out with that issue? Admit it, if your gay or a str8 woman — you wouldn’t mind. Still, I think Gerard would look better about 50lbs lighter.

And, of course, there was a great deal of bizness ’round a drag queen like giant with loads of piercings whose voice was dub’d by some robotic computer — who was in need of a Spartan hottie to get on his knees before him. That’s really all he wanted. In the end, he could only score with a hunchback’d monster sort of Spartan who had managed to not be tossed from the mountain for being ugly. 19be315e-53ea-4c6f-a2d8-3e0a81683721_xerxes_200.jpg I must confess, I found the giant king the hottest of all the actors. I liked his cheekbones and stern look. And, I felt he actually had the best body of the bunch. Lean, but muscular. …and, of course I think he was meant to be about 12 feet tall. So, big feet and we all know where that leads.
101dal.jpg …I was thinking. Being that the movie is pulling in tons of money — there should be a sequel. I think they should bring in Glenn Close and she can play the evil HenchWoman of the Persian God — she would have lobster claw legs that behead offensive Spartans and they could call it “101 Persians Vs. 301 SPARTANS” …with the tag line, “Be prepared for glory and loads of scenery eating!” …it could happen.

I don’t know. As interesting as the film was from a visual perspective, I grew weary of all the bloodshed and I couldn’t tell where the real actors started and the CGI animation began. Still, I can’t say I was bored. And, Gerard’s ass certainly looked nice in the soft moonlight. …just before he “poked” his wife. And, that whole prophecy scene with the beautiful Spartan girl could easily just be cut from the film and turned into a Calvin Klein ad for some perfume. That girl did have lovely, pert little breasts — by the way. But, Gerard’s were still bigger.

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March 15, 2007. Uncategorized.

10 Comments

  1. Daniel replied:

    Funny! This is the weirdest movie of the year. I thought the Greek women were definitely more butch than the men.

  2. Pants replied:

    I don’t want to see this movie unless it’s subtitled with your commentary.

    I hope I didn’t give you nightmares with my dead cat guy…he’s been giving me nightmares all week!

  3. brooke replied:

    We so have to go to the movies together!

    You know I loved the look of the film and the look of the people in it, and I try my best not to read too much into movies or apply them to real life. I like to just get lost in them. Especially when they have such hot men.

    I loved when he said “boy lover,” cause I’m a boy lover too! And so are most of my boy-friends.

  4. ing replied:

    Gerard was hot, but I preferred the anguished dad-guy. Up until he lost his son and became so very anguished.

    And I am definitely going to apply the lessons of this film to my real life. That’s the way of the Spartan, and I am a woman of Sparta. I’m told that I look good in a halter-toga.

  5. matty03 replied:

    Daniel – I agree! Spartan woman are tuff! Just check out that queen!

    Pants – I did contact Warner Bros to offer my assistance in recording commentary for the BIG DVD release (and it will be big) …but, thus far, they’ve not returned my calls! Frustration! And, I have had two nightmares about being stuck in a car with cat pelts! …Sending you happy thoughts from across town to have happy dreams and for a better date!!! You deserve and will get one! I know it!

    Brooke! Yay! You don’t hate me! I was worried! Yes, the film has a great look and a great looking cast. However, I do think that a few of them might have been more ‘beef’d’ up than I like. LOL! I can’t help it. I love subtext and trying to understand what is going on within the director’s/writer’s vision. …english lit major. oy! LOL!

    Ing – I still vote for the Persian Giant King as the film’s hottie. I always wondered if you were a woman of Sparta! Like that time you came over in that toga thing with all the make up on and grand stand’d for several minutes before announcing that you needed to run thru a field of wheat. It was impressive!

  6. ing replied:

    You mean the Oscar party! Yeah, that was fun. Except Celine Dion kept stealing my thunder. Which was why I ran to the wheat field to await my husband. Less competition in the wheat field.

  7. Tim replied:

    I had no desire to see that film until I read this post. Now I have …. desire 😉

  8. matty03 replied:

    Ing – Oh, Celine did not steal your thunder. That’s you Spartan pride talking! …did Beck ever show up in that batch of wheat?1!?!?

    Tim! LOL! Yes, you should see it! Embrace the hard-on beard of the Spartan!!!

  9. joe replied:

    I just saw 300. I was utterly confused as to who were the heroes. freedom defended by crazy elitist man-tits? sexy alien persian drag queen? beautiful look, but I don’t think it was gory enough. or graphic enough.

  10. matty03 replied:

    Joe! I know! …but that was one sexy giant!

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