SIFTING THROUGH THE CLOUDS

images.jpg Sometimes I wake up and find myself just laying there thinking about the journey of my life. I’m sure this is something we all do.

I find myself thinking of the amazing way I have traveled, grown and changed over the years. True, in many ways I am still the same person I was at seventeen. But, it is also true that I am a totally different person than that confused kid. In fact, when I think about it — I am, in many ways, so different from the individual I was just five years ago.

I’m in a much better space. I am a better person. But, I often sit back and wonder if we all share this experience. Thus far, it is as if I’ve been 5 different people over the course of 40 years on the planet.

I was the sad and abused child who felt so alone in that little town in Texas.

Then I was totally screwed up teenager and young adult in that same town.

Then, I drove across the country to Boston and got it together as an adult. I formed healthy friendships and explored a number of odd and, with hindsight, scary experiments about who I was trying to become. Trying to find me and my voice.

Then, I became focused on a career that ultimately meant little or nothing and embarked on a committed relationship which led me to sadness — but, at the same time gave me great insight into who I was and what I really wanted.

And, now, as I enter my fourth month of being 40 I find myself in a deeper, more evolved love. Sure, this love brings a relationship which presents its own set of challenges but it feels so worth it. And, I find myself in a new job that I actually am loving in a way I’ve not loved a job before. Surrounded by artists and doing what I can to make that environment more condusive for the teaching and creation of art. I am a different person from the one who arrived in San Francisco in April of 2005.

And, I woke up this morning from a dream of clouds. At first stormy — as it seems much of my life has been a storm. But, then the clouds cleared and turned to soft, fluffy things into which I wanted to fly and find comfort. Into which I wanted to push into with my head. To feel the cool, moist air.

I woke up and began to think about this journey of mine. Where I’ve been, where I am and I began to muse over the awesome power that is life. What’s next? No one knows. But, you have to be true to yourself. You have to try. You have to fight for what is right and defend the ones you love.

…no matter the storm that might come up, you’ve got to hold on, face it, deal with it and refuse to surrender to fear, self-doubt and the cruelty of others. You have to live. And, you better damn well live it fully because while it may be a complex journey — It is a frighteningly short one.

Get a grip and enjoy this ride. moblog_94379eebb7936.jpg

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March 13, 2007. Uncategorized.

15 Comments

  1. Minge replied:

    The older I get the shorter life seems to be. I could cry.

  2. Rah-burt replied:

    Well said Matt! xoxo

    We have material possessions, yet nothing we can take with us when we depart. Be the simple good person you want to be. Live and learn and share with others. That’s all I ask for myself.

  3. Pants replied:

    Cheers to travelling and growing into better spaces!

  4. Joshua replied:

    All we really want to know is if the sex has gotten better with age 😛 Seriously, great insight – and I’ve been on and in that cloud many times!

  5. brooke replied:

    I love love love this post. And someday I am coming to California so we can have drinks and celebrate life together.

    You’re fabulous.

  6. Meredith replied:

    It’s the ability to make the leaps of faith and changes that have made you the fabulous person you are. Texas to Boston!? Holy culture shock!
    I love that you dreamt about clouds, all I ever dream about are doors and windows and tight spots I need to get out of or into. Hmmm, go figure.
    Lately I’m dreaming about places that are supposed to be Barcelona but are actually illustrations from a Morrocan Dk travel guide. I’m thinking this means the Universe wants me to go to Morroco and not Barcelona. I wish the Universe would sent a visa card (like on What Not to Wear) and a ticket so I’d know for sure.
    xo

  7. ing replied:

    Dreams. I had a dream that I was back in my old apartment, being threatened by a strange man who my roommate had invited over. So I guess it’s good I’m no longer there.

    I’d like to say something to Joshua, from my point of view: the sex gets much, much better, and also more infrequent.

    Okay, Matty, I’ll try my best to live it now. I’m preparing for what might be a new chapter. I’ll make an honest attempt tomorrow morning, and we’ll see. I’m so glad you love your new job. I thought you would.

  8. ginab replied:

    Matty,

    And seventeen is oddly the important year. In other words, for me too. I nearly croaked back then, but a friend 🙂 saved me. Really, he looked after me. I had pneumonia to the ninth stage, no bennies, ice cubes in the pits. I learned a lot about friendship and trust.

    And then I was all about England. I even tried to save the world, I was still young enough. Comes as no real shock I work in grants at least now given all I worked to try to do back then, in dear England.

    And lo came the higher ed. My intellectual savior.

    I agree. And if I were a tree, damnit, I would be in California (or is it Washington?) with a snowy owl (is it the snowy?) nesting in my branches.

    The clouds alight do pass and in passing they shadow us, like never imagined dreams and friends and love not known to be possible. There is all of that and that is life.

    You are a gem, Matty dove.

    -ginab

  9. Old Cheeser replied:

    Nice post Matty, and so glad to hear that everything is coming together for you now! Great to hear that the new job is shaping up well. As for relationships I think you learn from previous ones – not only about other people but also yourself. A cliche but true. I’m far happier and more grounded in my marriage now then I was in my first relationship! It’s an age and experience thing I think. If only we could start out wise aged 20! Then again, that might take the fun and point out of life – we couldn’t grow as people otherwise.

  10. hot lunch replied:

    Waiter, waiter! i’ll have what he’s having!

  11. ing replied:

    Matty, please tell B that I was only kidding when I said that 300 was “supposed to” be funny. For the most part, I don’t think it intended to be. Nevertheless, it was! And I’m still not clear whether or not the narrator’s Charleton Heston delivery was supposed to be serious, because that kind of delivery has been parodied to death.

    And I honestly do think there was a subversive subtext in that film, much like the one in Johnny Guitar. Someone was being sneaky! All those swords thrusting, Spartan’s reluctance to “get on his knees” before the tranny Xerxes, the skimpy skimpy mankini uniforms, the fat man with the crab claws & wearing the s&m gear getting “punished”, and that moonlit ass-shot. I do believe the movie was homophobic. (And homoerotic. I saw that, too. The message was conflicted, just as male violence and bloodlust is an idea full of conflict.)

    You know, the Spartan politicians were pitted against the Spartan warriors, and the bad guys were depicted as those who relied on “reason,” while the good guys were those who relied on their own feelings of hatred and need for revenge. That’s an interesting choice. When the Spartan Queen tries to reason with reasonable men by citing the warrior’s bravery and self-sacrifice, she’s cut down by a politician’s words, and her only recourse (in the movie) is an act of violence that mimics the act of rape she physically submitted to out of bravery and self-sacrifice.

    You know, though, this posting is probably dreadfully dull to your readers who haven’t seen 300.

    Sorry! How rude of me!

    Matty has a dashing friend who drives a car with a genuine wood-and-leather interior. His “B” is cute and scholarly.

  12. Lubin Odana replied:

    I think it’s interesting that in a sense, we are always dying – the “people” who you used to be, don’t really exist any more (although hypnosis or drugs might bring them back briefly). Their physical bodies don’t exist – in fact you’re made up of completely different atoms now.

    That’s depressing in a way, but also something of a consolation – it kind of puts “real” death more into perspective.

  13. matty03 replied:

    Minge! Oh, don’t cry! I know what you mean! …but enjoy it while we got it!!! No time for tears!

    Rah-burt! Thank you!!! I agree!

    Pants! Yes! Cheers! I raise my Diet Coke!

    Joshua! Very good point. I do agree. Tho, it seems my drive was not what it once was and a friend just told me that a person over 30 should avoid reaching orgasm more than once every 8 days as it drains one’s chi. Hmmmm…

    Brooke! You’re the one who is fab! And, yes!!! You must come for a visit! We will find a whole new color in which to paint The City!

    Lovely Meredith! Yes, it was a bit of a culture shock. Mainly getting the idea into my then young head that New Englanders do not make eye contact or speak to strangers. I fit in better here. Tho, I did get to be pretty New England for a while. You know, if you set your mind to it and repeat what you want to dream of over and over again as you fall asleep — you sometimes will dream of those things!

  14. Tim replied:

    I can’t believe you’ve been in SF for nearly 2 years already! That’s insane, it feels like it was just yesterday. How time flies ….

  15. matty03 replied:

    Tim! I know! Isn’t it creepy?!?!?! …and, time seems to be going by faster as I get older!

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