A TEXT MESSAGE FROM HELL

…Well, I know you have all been there-done-that but we each must share our own private life stories. You know? So, like, they told me I had to be there at 8AM. That is, like, so totally stupid but I know how to play the game. Right? So, we hired a private jet — don’t worry! I wasn’t born last week! I had them paint on my name and a pretty little rose with a spike chain wrapped around the stem. It was, like, totally cool.

Anyway, I get there and they are, like,

“I’m sorry but we do not allow personal assistants to join you and we do not allow pets.”

Like, I’m so sure. Whatever. I kissed Sha-Sha goodbye. And then, they were like,

“You can only bring one bag and we will secure it for you. You can’t bring anything into the searching and living spaces.”

Dude! Whatever. I gave them eight of my bags and my wicked cool bag from Japan. I asked Jake and JoJo to take the other twelve back to the compound. It’s all good, right? But, then this lazy eye’d bitch actually tells me as she is leading me down the hall,

“You’ll be sharing a room with two other people. They are still sleeping so you will need to take off those shoes to not disturb them. We suggest that everyone wear the healing clogs you will find by the Re-Birthing Bed.”

Ok. Look. No one told me I was going to have to wear gardening clogs! I mean, I made Rosaria stop wearing those ugly things when she works in front of the house. I mean, she can be naked and in the back of the estate — well, no, Rosaria must cover her body, but you know what I mean. Clogs?!!?!? Gardening clogs?!?!?

But, then — The Final Straw! So, like my cell phone rings. And, you know, it’s no big thing. I left the other three with Marla at the compound. But, this is my private shit. You know? So, it rings. And, of course I answer it. And, of course, it is HIM. Again! And, I just put my foot down. I mean if he wants anymore money he needs to get out there and hustle his ass like he was born to do. Am I right? Oh, yeah. I know! But, the thing that really bit my fine ass was when this bitch goes off on me for answering my phone.

I guess, it isn’t center-appropriate to have a cell phone. And, I was told that it was even worse when it the ring tone was Paris Hilton screaming “Fuck you!” …Personally, I think it is a funny and inspiring sort of ring tone. Whatever. I didn’t even give the bitch ‘tude. I just looked at her dried up old face and she actually had the nerve to take the cell out of my hand.

Yes. Oh, yes she did. She fucking took my phone and had the nerve to actually touch me.

Well, I’m sorry, but that was it. I kicked the clogs at her, I slapped her face and took my phone. I called JoJo and told him to pick me the hell up and take me back to the airport. Whatever! I told the fuckers to just hold my bags and I’d have Sondra pick them up later in the day. Don’t worry, I took my way cool bag with me as I left. Oh, and get this shit! I had to sign a binder full of forms before they would let me out of the gate.

JoJo was great. He gave me a massage as we headed back to the airport.

But, then it happened. I had the guys pull into the drive thru at Taco Bell. I was hungry. I know. I know. But, you know I love my Taco Bell. Anyway, we roll up to the window and they told us they the soda machine was down. Fucking down.

Well, I had no choice. We drove up to one of those tacky salons you see in strip malls. I marched right in, asked for the clippers and shaved my hair off. It looks kind of cool but now there is some sort of intervention shit going down and I’m so over it already. Oh, gotta run girls! I hope I am doing this right. I’m still not up on the 4-1-1 with this text messaging thing.

Air kisses from here!

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February 19, 2007. Uncategorized.

8 Comments

  1. Kevin replied:

    Did you get hit in the head?

    Or did I?

  2. hot lunch replied:

    oh, baby baby!! i’m not sure how i feel about the whole sinead o’spears look… poor thing.

  3. ginab replied:

    was wondering who you could be pretending to be. Bald? Herself, but then we’ll see. NO matter what, we’ll see.

  4. Daniel replied:

    You wicked, wicked woman!

  5. matty03 replied:

    Kevin – You know, someone may have hit me in the head. I’m not entirely sure, tho.

    Hot Lunch – I think the girl is dealing with some “issues” but I sense a big record coming out of it. I always wonder how much of these public melt-downs are for real or for the sake of publicity. I guess we’ll never know. Sinead has a better chin and head shape for this sort of “cut”

    Gina – Yes. Quite true!

    Daniel – I suspect not so much “wicked” as “silly”

  6. ing replied:

    Wait! What happened? You have a jet now? I know you love your Taco Bell, but what?

  7. ing replied:

    p.s.

    What’s your definition of “playa”? I thought it was a person (male) who gets a lot of “game”. You must appear to be someone who gets tons of action. Cool!

    I had my first day of teaching. I think I’m going to like it fine, once I get the hang of things.

  8. matty03 replied:

    Ing – D’oh! I meant to tell you about my jet! I forgot! Drop by and we can go for a ride. …maybe to Colma?

    Yeah, I saw the same two “dudes” again and they were very nice and made me do that fist handshake thing. So, I guess they were being cool to me. As I’m not a playa — more of a ‘played’ in life — but I guess it is cool.

    And, I KNEW you would enjoy that gig! I am telling you — It is all coming together!!!

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