THE DEAR MATTY EXPERIMENT!!!

Solving the problems of others is fun!
Dear Matty: At my age I’m supposed to be happily married to my man and have two cats. Why is it that I’m still loving being single? Am I normal? Signed, Alan.

Dear Alan: No. You’re not normal. And, that’s a good and cool thing! I’m not normal either. Actually, I am not sure anyone knows what “normal” is anyway. But, be glad you’re not! I do not believe in this silly societally-imposed life milestone plan thing, either. If you’re happy being single — then you just rock on and continue to enjoy it! That is the most important thing! Be happy! So, be single for as long as it works for you! Just a quick note, tho — Remember: What happens in the gay pool hall stays in the gay pool hall. Someone forgot to tell me about that when I was still single and loving it. Boy, if only someone could have told me I could have been spared much embarrassment! Oh, and I’m glad you mentioned cats. Single people should avoid them! Dogs are great, tho! But owning cats is likely to forever curse you to be single. I do believe that is some sort of actual fact. Anyway, Alan, keep your options open. Am glad to hear that you know better than to get a cat!

Dear Matty: Who do I need both of my hands to jerk off? signed, Joe.

Dear Joe: Color me impressed! I guess I’m thinking that sometimes it takes two people to move a large pole and the same theory must factor into your masturbation technique. So, be glad yours takes both your hands to move toward pleasure!!! If you’re growing tired, drop Alan a line!


Dear Matty: Please don’t include my real name or email address. I’ve been involved with this great guy and he has asked me to move in with him. My mother is thrilled. I think she thought her daughter would never find a man. I do love him and want to move in with him but we have always had this one problem. He refuses to go down on me and makes me brush my teeth after I go down on him before he will even kiss me. My best friend tells me that a lot of guys are like this and I’m being stupid about it. What do you think? Signed, Frustrated In A Red State
Dear Red State: So, like, this is, like sort of a, like serious question. OK. I’m down with that. I can be real. Right up, I think that sex is VERY important but it is NOT the most important thing. However, that having been written. I would tell this boy to get a grip and return the favor. I don’t understand why someone who loves you and is your lover would fail to do such a great thing — and, not want to do it for the pleasure it would bring. This would make me worry about such future issues as trust, sharing, caring and really being there for you. I wouldn’t move in. But, that is just me. However, that is very easy for me to write. Not so easy if you love this selfish lover man. Hang in there!

Dear Matty: Why are all the good men either taken or gay? Signed, Brookelina.

Dear Brookelina: A trick question!!! Cool! I think I figured out the answer to your riddle! …There aren’t any good men! LOL! …but, seriously, Brookelina, there are a few good men out there. Sadly, they appear to all be either gay or taken. Not sure why. I think it might have to do with global warming. I really do think that Al Gore dude is on to something!

Dear Matty: Why is Barbara Striesand such an ugly talentless hack? Signed I Hate Barbara Striesand Forever.

Dear Hate: I’m afraid I don’t know the answer. I don’t know who “Barbara Striesand” is. You might want to check out Barbra Streisand. She is absolute perfection and like buttah! Voice like velvet and, while not ever having fit the traditional view of beautiful she is gorgeous!

Dear Matty: What should I do on Valentine’s Day while everyone else is looking for a place to display all of their flowers & stuff? Should I get a cat to dote on in my old age? Signed Alonefrapp in SF.”

Dear Alonefrapp: Valentine’s Day is a cruel greeting card holiday designed to make us all feel lonely and inadequate. Don’t allow it! Fight back! I suggest that you set up “shop” and drop water filled condoms down on unsuspecting flower holders and various persons out showing off their love from those windows to your fabulous new apartment!!! It would be fun! No cats until you’re Coupledfrapp in SF — owning a cat will only further ensure that you will continue to hate Valentine’s Day! A dog is good pet when one is single! …and, often act as lover magnets if you work it right!

Dear Matty: Does the sentence for manslaughter commute in relation to the number of years married? Signed Curious in London.

Dear Curious: I’m so glad you brought this up. Sadly, no it doesn’t. This is why I suggest hiring hit men to ‘ice’ the respective groom/bride. I am not sure where one would go in the London — however, if one should be living in the greater Boston USA area — a quick drive out to Roxbury and all one has to do is cough up $50 and a bottle of Everclear and you can have just about anyone put down. …not that I would really know. Anyway, I’m sure that there must be a similar place in the UK.

Dear Matty: Sarah Silverman recently said that she thought that when Meatloaf sang that ‘he would do anything for love but he won’t do that’ — that this ‘that’ meant anal sex. What do you think “that” was? Signed Bay Area Hottie.Dear Hottie: Far be it from me to disagree with Ms. Silverman — who happens to be a personal hero of mine. But, I don’t think Meatloaf’s ‘that’ was anal sex. I suspect Meatloaf insists on anal sex. No, I think his ‘that’ is all about commitment. It was 1977 after all.

Dear Matty: Why do I only seem to like married/taken me, men on the rebound, men who cannot have relationship? Genuine, bonafide single men, I seem to loathe them. Signed Callipygian Love in Toronto.

Dear Callipygian Love, This reminds me of that old Marx Bros joke that Woody Allen used to introduce his film ANNIE HALL. …he would never want to join a club that would have him as a member. Try looking for what’s right about a single guy who you find attractive. Oh, if you should find yourself in a gay pool hall — keep your clothes on! Trust me on this one!

Dear Matty: How do I tell these uninteresting single men that I’m not interested in much more than a friendship with them? Signed, Callipygian Love in Toronto.

Dear Callipygian Love: I shall answer your question with a question! Why do you want to even be friends with people who do not interest you? You were not meant to be around the dull!

Dear Matty: Why can’t Dr. Who be sexy and is it possible to exploit zero-point energy? Signed, Callipygian Love in Toronto. Dear Callipygian Love: You sure have a lot of questions. However, they are all quite good! Actually, I did see Dr. Who all sex’d up! It is in a ‘lost’ episode called “Dr. Who Ever, Dr. Who When Ever” …it featured a surprise cameo by Linda Lovelace as The Bride. Petition the BBC now! And, while I am not sure one would want to exploit zero-point energy, I do feel it could use a better publicist.

Dear Matty: Why are you so adorable? Signed Callipygian Love in Toronto.

Dear Callipygian Love: Yes, lots of very important questions! I am not sure. So, I asked a fellow bus passenger this morning if he knew why I was so damned adorable. He told me I was ugly and that my mom dressed me funny. I told him to stop speaking in bad bumper sticker quotes. He then told me to fuck off. I poured my water on him. He tried to bitch slap me. Long story made a bit shorter. We both ended up getting kicked off the bus and having to walk to work.

Dear Matty: How can I stop cracking up at your new ‘do’? And, otherwise, what is it about me that attracts pervs, pigs, egotists, and all other heart-eating theives? Should I change my perfume? Signed Ginab

Dear Ginab: Oh, feel free to laugh! I know I do! It is so upsetting when your hair did is all done wrong! I plan on returning to the salon first chance I get and demanding a new wig, uh, I mean cut! You know I had the exact same problem when I was single. I was a sort of freak magnet. Of course, I tend to hang out in some sketchy places. It took me a while to fully realize that the bus station is not the best place to meet men. Still, I’m a rebel. I live on the edge. In the end, I’m not sure who we attract has all that much to do with us. I blame them. That’s the way I look at it. You’re awesome and I’d bet money you smell great!!! Just be you! And, NEVER settle!

Dear Matty: This is not a valid email address. We ‘dated’ back in 1992 when you lived in Boston. I loved you. But you didn’t seem to want my love. I’ve always wondered why. Back then, when I asked, you told me you were not interested in monogamous relationships. What was the real reason? Signed Please Do Not Print My Name But I Dare You To Print This.Dear Matty: If someone with multiple personality kills themselves, is it murder or suicide? I need to know… Signed Sorted Lives.

Dear Sorted Live(s): I was going to say that it would be murder, but Josepi (the little fellow who lives in my left ear) said it would be suicide. Then, of course, Mary had to put her two cents in! She got all pissy and claimed this would be a mass murder. However, Mary tends to get very over-the-top whenever Josepi offers an idea or opinion. So, I don’t think we should be listening to Mary. Besides, she stole the jar off that shelf. We all know it was her. But, Frank told me that if I didn’t do something about that mess that both I and Noreen would be in a heap of trouble! And, naturally, Miss Hippysyndrome had to join in and she has that screechy voice that makes people on the street stare at us! Then Bob got mad and started yelling at us. And, of course that is never good because Bob makes my head hurt and I get all confused. This time, I ended up in a tiny hospital room with a cut hand. Some nice doctor named JoAnne tried to convince me to imagine I was in a park. I think she wanted me to hug Mary, Josepi and Bob! The nerve!
> AND, THE LAST QUESTION!!!!

Dear Matty: Who is crazier — Courtney Love, Allison Goldfrapp, Bjork or Tori Amos? Signed Diva Lover in Spain

Dear Spanish Diva Lover: Bjork. …but, she cleans up well and might be slightly brilliant. Crazy, but brilliant.

…and, DEAR MATTY is all done!

How did Abby do it!?!??

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February 12, 2007. Uncategorized.

24 Comments

  1. Dessie replied:

    Now I’m late for work you bugger! And I have a stitch from laughing!

  2. YarravillePaul replied:

    Matty done proper good!

    Oh, and Doctor Who is dead sexy in the new series…Christopher Ecclestone or David Tennannt…worth a google, they both pushed my pleasure button.
    And look out for Captain Jack Harkness (David Bowerman) who plays a bisexual time traveller.

    Cheers, Paul (perhaps a nerd)

  3. hot lunch replied:

    I think the Multiple personality killing would be a muder-suicide pact, no?

    Dear Matty, Why do you hate cats so much?

    I LOVED YOUR COLUMN!

  4. sortedlives replied:

    LOVED THE COLUMN!! You soo rock. But, I am still in a condundrum about multiple personalitiies, murder, and suicide. My 5 personalities don’t seem to agree with your 5. Make the voices…SYBIL… go away!!

    love ya babe

  5. fashmagslag replied:

    Dear Matty

    Why, in the spirit of a joke, do Chinese people put pee pee in my coke? Like, what’s up with that?

    fashmagslag

  6. matty03 replied:

    Dessie! LOL! Actually, I think you should strive to be late every day. When they ask why you’re running late tell them it is a long way to go to get to your new desk spot. I mean, what are they going to do? Fire you?!!!?? Sleep in!

    YarravillePaul – I do so love your online name! I don’t think you’re a nerd! But, I do have trouble finding Mr. Tennannt to be very sexy. However all of that is so subjective. I am all for bi-sexual time traveling! Three cheers!!!

    Hot Lunch! Well, I think the whole Multiple Personality murder/suicide question is one that will be raging within me(s) for some time. No one can come to an agreement and it hurts my head!

    OH! And, I LOVE cats! I do! I wish I had one. However, I do not think that they make good pets for the single person. No! Poor pet choice if you’re single!! Go for a dog or bird if you must have a pet and are not partnered. Trust me!!!

    Sorted — Sending you a big hug and dose of love! Yes, it is a hard row you, I and all of our personalities work! But work it we must!

    Dear Fash Mag Slag – You know, I think your Chinese friends are only telling you it’s in the spirit of a joke. Pissing in another’s soda is just not right or funny. It is wrong! Of course, urine can be a good weight loss supplement! However, you’re thin. Maybe I should ask someone to pee pee in my Diet Coke.

  7. Minge replied:

    Pure fabulousness!

  8. matty03 replied:

    Minge! Thank you! LOL!

  9. Kevin replied:

    Good for you. I tried to do something like this back in my other blog existence, but it didn’t take off. Apparently my readers didn’t care what I had to say. 😦

    Keep up the great work. You make me smile.

    K

  10. Pants replied:

    Abby has NOTHING on you! 😉

    I had a boyfriend like Frustrated In A Red State’s. At first it wasn’t that big of an issue because it’s not all that important to my bed menu…but eventually, it consumed me. I went from not caring much about it to being completely obsessed with it. Run girl, RUN!

  11. sasskitty replied:

    Matty…you have made my day. And you have kicked Abby’s ASS!

  12. Smiley replied:

    Happy Valentine’s Day

  13. Brookelina replied:

    This is the greatest post ever. I have to go read it again.

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

  14. Matt replied:

    I fell off my chair laughing too hard…Barbra Streisand? LOL

    Happy Valentine’s Day.

    Hugs.

  15. Daniel replied:

    Ms Matty, you have such a gift for dishing up the advice.
    And I love the hair!

  16. Caress replied:

    Fierce as all hell – I love your twist on things!

  17. Jonell Estillore replied:

    your blog is so amazing!

  18. Tony replied:

    Love the column…A few responses gave me some good chuckles!

  19. Alan replied:

    Am I on your blogroll? Can’t see myself and you know how self-centred I am (yes, that is the Queen’s English version of self-centred, not Self “Oh, Say Can’t You See….” centERed i.e. the AmeriUSAcan version.

    I’m drunk and I need someone to guide me to a bed. Any bed.

    Alan x.

  20. Karyn replied:

    What?! You mean this is the end of Dear Matty? NO! Say it isn’t so!

    And Frustrated – you totally need to tell this sumbitch to put up or shut up, go down or go away.

  21. matty03 replied:

    Kevin! I think you should try it again! I would love to secure your perspective on my problems. And, I’ve got boatloads of ’em!

    Pants! Ah, thank you! Sadly, Abby and her legacy to buy and sale me several millions times over. But, money isn’t everything, right? I agree! She needs to run! I sent her an email on Thursday. Hope to hear from her soon!

    Sasskitty – Thanks! I never meant to kick her ass. I just wanted to deliver a slight bitch slap.

    Brooke! Oh, thank you! Hope you had a good one! I need to catch up on my blog reading this weekend! Work took me over!

    Matt! LOL! I hope you didn’t hurt yourself!

    Daniel! Thank you! Well, I thought I liked my new “do” but have since reverted back to my old one. It is easier to manage with my V05 Treatments.

    Caress! Yay! I’m fierce! Thank you!! Am I really fierce?

    Jonell! Thank you so much! I need to check our yours!!!

    Tony! Hey! Thank you!

    Alan, my drunken, salty, “old” sailor! Yes, baby! You’re on my blog roll and have been for some time! Ever since my first posting and you moved to that non-gay friendly place. Just look thru my list! Your link is there! …and, I hope you found a bed with another body to keep you warm!

    Karyn! I think it is the end of Dear Matty. While it is fun, it was hard! Maybe I will do it again sometime! You should do it!!! I hope Frustrated drops his ass to the curb!

  22. Smiley replied:

    Maybe your next dear abby can be about thanking everyone who was gracious enough to leave a comment on your blog, but one? 🙂

  23. matty03 replied:

    Oh, Joshua — I’m sorry!!! I was on a different computer and the mouse must have slipped as I was reading the comments!!!

    I hope you had a great Valentines Day!!!!

    matty

  24. barbra streisand boyfriend replied:

    barbra streisand boyfriend

    Please visit my site, click my ads and buy my crap

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