Being unemployed and without funds is not much fun. No matter how hard you try, you sometimes find yourself feeling down. As I walked down Market Street last night I passed a store window which had the above CD on display.

Does Miss Ross really love me? And, if so — is it that from a distance in white gloves kind of Diana Ross love? Will Miss Ross buy me lunch? Could I be her PA, perhaps? Is her love real as that she once shared with Berry Gordy when they thought that they would take over the world? I doubt it.

No, I think this is just the name of some cheap import CD from Japan filled with those great love ballads of the 70’s! Last Time I Saw My Baby, Touch Me In The Morning, etc. But, I guess I could be wrong. Maybe she does love me. Anyway, the sight of her CD and it silly name gave me a laugh. And, that is what I needed. So, a note of thanks to Miss Ross! I do so love her! …in my way. …with my head turned to the right, my shoulders up and smiling. Waiting for my moment. Big kiss.Love, matty

January 10, 2007. Uncategorized. 14 comments.


photo by jenny bolis…

San Francisco is an odd city. It seems to be filled with ideas that never fully form but ache to expand and push forward. Is it too poetic to write that it is a city full of possibilities hidden in the fog? Maybe so. But, they are hiding there. These promises hang in the air. Half-starts are all around here. I like this “incomplete-ness” for some reason. And, by and large, I have always found it to be a “friendly” city. Everyone always seems to disagree with me on this point. Tho, I am happy here. I enjoy roaming the city, feeling the rush of sun and cool wind that managed to make me both sweat and shiver at the same time — and, I never fail to have some form of adventure during the course of my day.

Today, I had to “run” an errand. I say “run” because it was more of a slow walk as my back is still hurting. I didn’t have my iPod with me. I forgot it. I passed a large group of folks from somewhere in China. There was an overly happy white guy standing in front of this group of puzzled-looking people. So, I found myself stopping for a minute to listen to what this almost manic man was saying. He spoke too loud. Like those annoying people who think that a non-English speaking person will understand them if they scream every word.

“If you get lost, just reach out and stop someone and say, ‘Help me! I’m lost!’ This is a VERY friendly city and you will be assisted!”

A queer urban hispster was standing next to me and he chuckled. I turned and looked at him and he said, “This IS NOT a friendly city! Yeah, reach out and touch someone. That’ll work!” I smiled and he walked away. He was wearing really cool orange shoes.

About an hour later I was seated on an F Train headed to the Castro. A man who smelled like old newspapers got on at the Powell/Market stop and asked me if I could spare him a dollar. I reached into my jacket pockets. I had five quarters. I gave him four. His hands looked so dry, tired and old.

I smiled and said, “My mom used to give me incredibly small amounts of money and then advise me to not spend it all in one place. The funny thing is she was always serious about that.”

We both laughed.

We rode on in silence. I watched out the window wondering what things had gone on in some of these seedy little hotels you pass when going through the Tenderloin. I think we had been riding about five minutes. And, this man, who had been rolling those four quarters from one hand to the other, turned to me. He thanked me for speaking to him.

“You’re the first person to actually talk to me in three days. I had started to think I was invisible. A lady gave me a dime an hour ago and asked me not to use it to buy drugs. What a stupid bitch. You know why I wanted this money?”


“I have to do my laundry. I stink. I have to do my laundry and she gives me a fucking dime and thinks I’m going to buy drugs. With ten fucking cents! I wanted to throw the dime right back at her.”

I laughed. He laughed. The lady across from us looked at us with this look of total disgust.

“This is my stop! Hey, kid, you have a great day!” ….The man got up and lurched forward as the F train sort of slammed into the stop. I pulled out my wallet and handed him a five dollar bill.

“You’ll need that for the dry cycle.”

He took it, smiled and jumped off the train.

Maybe this is not a friendly city. But, I like to pretend that it is. Of course, this has always been my problem. I love to pretend.

January 8, 2007. Uncategorized. 21 comments.



Say what you will, and I will say I’ve never liked any of her films — but Lina Wertmuller came up with some wicked cool titles for them in her day. The one poster’d to the left is my personal favorite. It is one of her typical films in which men and women go at sex like a battle and argue politics in really ugly clothing. This one was worse than usual because it starred Candice Bergen speaking English while everyone else is either speaking that or Italian, but every actor’s mouth seemed to not match the words coming out of their respective mouths. Henry Miller must have had sex with her because he made a gave her a very glowing review of thought that seems to follow her where ever her film work and politics take her. However, this post has nothing to do with that movie or Lina Wertmuller. I just thought I would use one of her cool titles. I do think Ms. Wertumuller gives best title this side of Carrie Fisher — who is also a master of great titles. But, once again — I digress.

As I injured my back I’ve had several “miss-starts” this weekend. I tried to go out a couple of times yesterday to do various little things — like take a walk or visit Ms. Ing at her book shop where I could possibly harass her for the hardback novelizations of FOR THE LOVE OF BENJI or YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE …but it wasn’t meant to be. It hurt too much to move. So aside from a couple of very short walks all I really did Friday night, Saturday and up till 3pm today was lay about watching DVD’s and trying not to eat much. I AM going out tonight, however much the pain!!!! I can’t stay in the house anymore! Wahhhh! Anyway, I’ve important plans with my bud, Alan. We are taking over the world tonight. Or, at least taking that first all important step toward world domination. That’s not true. We’re just having a cheap dinner and seeing a movie but should the possibility of world domination come up I’m sure we will go for that!

My Broken Back Film Fest started with a viewing of Tony Scott’s uber-cool THE HUNGER with running commentary from Susan Sarandon and Mr. Scott — both of whom sounded really old. Why are all my fave film actors getting so bloody old!?!?! What is up with that? At any rate! I am never ceased to be amazed at how fucking cool it is when you put Bauhaus, Ann Magnuson, Susan Sarandon, David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve in the same movie! AND, you mix in bi-sexualized goth vampires with loads of early 80’s stylin’ clothes and “noir-like sinematography” — Well, you end up with a flawed but totally kick ass movie! Still, I sure wish that they had retained the novel’s original ending which made sense. The ending to the movie just annoys — tho that is a great shot! Oh, and I learned that Ms. Deneuve is really sweet, smart and loves to garden and it takes lots of hand cream to keep her hands looking soft for the screen. And, if you ask me, she does remain the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in movies. Tho, I would rather watch Isabelle Huppert. What is it about French women!?!?

Then I made it a David Bowie double feature by watching the director’s cut of MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH. …Every time I see this movie I forget how very much I like it. Does anyone get any cooler than David Bowie?!!?!? Ever?!?!? Now, I just need to watch it again with Mr. Bowie’s commentary. I do wonder what that is like.

Then it was time to plug in the latest twisted film from Korean Cinema’s Bad Boy, Ki-duk Kim!!! TIME — or SHI GAN (for those of you who might be able to speak Korean) has caused a bit of an uproar with Ki-duk and his nation. However, that seems to happen with every film Ki-duk ever makes. I really suspect much of this is of his own doing. Too bad as I think he may be the most important director to come out of Korea. But what is one to do when the writer/producer/director insists on making films that push every envelope and then decides to take every critical comment as a personal assault. Still, Korea is more than happy to push him to other countries at film fests! So, it is our win. He is incredible and complex in his film making. But, be warned – You never know what you might get. When he is good he is very good. When he is bad, he is even better. But, when he is awful, his movie can suck. …really badly suck.

I had really been curious about this film and upset when it failed to get ANY distribution and only played at a couple of film fests in other countries. I do not think it ever played the US. As cultural obsession with beauty and fitting the “ideal” body type has reached just about all of us — I was quite interested in seeing what he would do with this topic. This is what I would call a visually intellectual piece of filmmaking. The surreal aspect of the film is both interesting and frustrating because it hurts the socio-political context of the idea but the film is well worth seeing. It is not his best. I had read that many critics and viewer’s had trashed the acting of the performers. This is unfair as it is quite clear that they are giving us just what Kim wants — almost opera-level theatrics to match the over-the-top nature of the story. By the way, I MUST get to Korea to visit the sculpture park (if it is real)
Does anyone know?!?!!? Look at this sculpture! If it is just a film set, I LOVE it! I hope it is real, tho! I need to go touch and explore these statues!

Then, it really was time for bed. I was so tired. However, the back hurt too much. So I lined up all the pillows, took Ibubrofen and decided to watch me some Takashi Miike. When you’re not feeling all that great, are sleepy but unable to sleep and you’re home all alone — you might now want to watch his segment from 3 EXTREMES. …it is called BOX. Beautifully filmed and slowly paced — it sort of slips up on you. If ever you see a pair of little girls intent on fitting themselves into a box — I suggest you just walk away before anything suspect happens. Because little girls should not try to fit themselves into tiny boxes. …Especially if the box is made of wood, locks and is near a oil burning lamp. Most worrying. I also watched 2-LDK, Yukihiko Tsutsumi’s funny horror movie, for the 30th or 100th time.
…It always leaves me feeling relieved that I’m not a gorgeous Japanese fashion girly-girl model in need of a fellow glam model roommate. …because, like pretty little girls fitting themselves into tiny boxes — this also spells loads of trouble. What is it with fashion models and their love of chainsaws? …Or is this a strictly Japanese horror/comedy device?!?!?!

Anyway, I’m up. My back feels MUCH better! And, I’ve got my fingers crossed to hear from some job prospects starting tomorrow! …and, he rambles on and on.

January 7, 2007. Uncategorized. 5 comments.


well, the laundry has to be done. i bet i can fit all the towels, socks and underwear into this one laundry bag and carry it down the street to that laundrette across from flore. the bag slipping out of my arms. it is so damn heavy. maybe this wasn’t a good idea. are my feet tripping over each other? shit. yes. they are. SPLAT.

“Hey! Are you okay?”

am i okay? “Yes! I just tripped. No big deal. Thanks!”

“Man! That is a big bag of laundry!”

“Yeah…” …why, yes, it is. shit. can i get up? maybe it was my shoes. diesel shoes are kind of strange.

i’ve got that bag, i will not drop it and i will not fall down again. shit. is my back out? ok. my back, like, totally hurts right now. i’m okay. i can do this. $10 just to wash these loads? i still have all the shirts and jeans to lug down here. how am i going to ever get these loads back to our apartment? my back so hurts. shit.

“You know you can get a rolling cart down at the ace hardware store on market. Looks like you might need one.”

yeah, right.

“You mean that doesn’t come assembled? I have to pay $50 and it does not come assembled?” oh, good. they are assembling it for me. is that my phone ringing? maybe it’s B.

“Sure, I would love to meet with you on Monday!”

“You know, we are very busy here and we don’t put up with bullshit so don’t be late for this interview! Do you understand?”

“You know, I don’t think this is going to be a good fit. I am going to pass on this position. Best of luck and thanks for calling me.”


bitch. what was that all about?

B called. now, i’ve got his voicemail. oh well.

“Are you sure you want me to use ‘1’? Have you used it before?” jesus. i do know how i want my hair cut. leave me alone. just cut my hair.

why would someone send me the DVD of MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH and not tell me who they are? why do people do that? it is really cool and sweet, tho. isn’t it?

i forgot to eat. maybe that is why i feel odd. this chair is so ugly but the vibrating feature feels so good on my back. i love this chair.

have i been doing laundry all day? i have. i really should eat. wait. i did have a cookie and a diet coke in between the second set of loads. who needs real food? i think i do. i wonder if alan and ing are free tonight. nope. they are not. nor are they free for tomorrow night. wait. i forgot to ask them if them if they were free tonight. oh well, my back hurts.

does this beard look good are really bad? is scott caan cute or not? he’s like one of those frat boys that you would want to avoid because they are so dull and stupid.

isn’t it sad that the film directors think it is so unusual for a lower middle class family would have an office in the side of the living room? “We love the idea that they had an office in the living room! How strange, but oddly ‘real’!” …yes. these two LA filmmakers understand real life. not.

…is that supposed to be that soft? yeah. maybe that’s the way it is supposed to be.

maybe i fell to earth. no. i just fall on the earth. …a lot. …and damage my back.

January 6, 2007. Uncategorized. 8 comments.



…without the aid of mirrors or advise of personal assistants.

Now, I want to know how this happened to Val Kilmer! This hardly seems right or fair.

…And, this just KILLS me –
Noooooooooo!!!! True, she is 65. But, Noooooooo! …maybe it was the smoking?

This posting is mean. I’m sorry. But, all my faves are getting old. Which means I am getting old. Which sucks! The ways of the human flesh can be so cruel!

January 5, 2007. Uncategorized. 23 comments.


MY FAILURE TO LAUNCHLast night was filled with rain and wind. Normally that is an ideal recipe for great sleep! However, this did not hold true. I’m honestly not all that stressed out at the moment. I am not totally broke just yet and I’ve really only been job hunting for one full week when one discounts the holdidays. So, I anticipate calls starting tomorrow or early next week as this is the first week back to work for most. But, yesterday I spent a bit too much time on job boards. As a rule, I try to limit myself to 5 hours a day. Any more than that and I start to go bleary-eye’d and freaked out. But there were lots of postings yesterday and a couple of phone calls — so I kept going. I ended up with a massive headache.

To say that B is stressed out due to some VERY serious and horrible family situations in Canada would be a vast understatement.

Last night was filled with tossing/turning/bad dreams/limbs akimbo …and me getting pushed off the bed. B is lucky if he got any “rest” at all and I think he was only asleep for about 4 hours. Just by luck I got in bed a bit earlier so I did get to sleep from about 11PM till about 2:30AM, but after that I don’t think I slept much. I finally gave up at about 3:15AM. I got up, took my blankets and pillow to the living room and crawled into the sofa. …And, was unable to fall asleep again for about two hours. My head felt like it was going to explode. 2 cups of tea and 4 Tylenol later I started to drift off to sleep when I heard B’s alarm going off. He somehow managed to go to work. The poor baby looked exhausted but he leaves for Canada tonight and had to go into the office. I’m getting a micron. So, I don’t know that a job search is happening today. I just tried writing a new cover letter and tweaking my resume, but the results SUCKED!

So, I am about to lay down for a bit which could translate into half the day. I can just tell. I have failed to launch. But, there is always tomorrow.

Oh, and I do not care much for Jim Carrey and consider Joel Schumacher to be one of the worst film directors of all time. BUT, Jim Carrey looks soooooo HOT in their new horror movie. …I may have to see it just to watch him move it about it. I wonder if I will be able to convince Magical Ing to watch it with me? Who needs high art when we can watch a hot-looking-long-haired Jim Carrey shake it about for 90 minutes in a lame horror movie?!?!? I think I will try to sell her on the idea of the plot which seems to revolve around a book Jim Carrey’s wife buys for him at an INDEPENDENT book store! This, alone, might appeal to Ing. A hot looking guy with long hair reading a book purchased from an independent book merchant. OK. I will probably be seeing it alone. Oh well. I just hope this headache is gone by then.

Stanfield out. (um, I can’t believe I just wrote that…)

January 4, 2007. Uncategorized. 12 comments.


“…MY HOT DOG HAS A FIRST NAME!” But, I don’t think it’s “Oscar” — actually, I’m not too concerned with it’s name — first or last. What concerns me is what it may or may not be made of. Now, I prefer to stick with the kosher hot dog. However, I am old enough to remember what Ralph Nader found out about wieners back in the 70’s —- rat shit and drift wood if memory is serving me correctly.

My problem is that I am now on a very tight budget. So, until I land a job it is Ramen Noodles and oatmeal pour moi! Of course Diet Coke remains a “must” in my daily diet. It is my fuel. But, when I do go out it will have to be hot dogs. Here, in the Castro, we have a place called Sliders which makes a $3.95 hot dog. I had one tonight. As I retrieved it from the counter a rather large man asked if I had any idea what was in “that” —- I just looked at him and said, “Please. Let’s not go there.”

…but what is in that hot dog?

…and, I think I shall call my hot dog “Larry” instead of “Oscar”

Yes, “…my hot dog has a first name. It L-A-R-R-Y. My hot dog has no second name because I don’t know what it’s made of!”Larry? Is that you?!?!?!

January 2, 2007. Uncategorized. 14 comments.



I saw the plays. Then, I read them. I sat around with friends who were actors and writers — most of whom were far smarter than me. …than I? Anyway, I discussed the plays. I read many reviews. I read interviews with Tony Kushner. I read the plays again. I admired the acting and the staging. I liked many of the ideas in the plays, but all too often it felt like the whole of the two plays was just a way to show off some fancy intellectual ideas or “ideals” and to provide some great scenes for some talented actors. In the end, the sum of all the parts did not really add up to much for me. As clever as it some of it was – I could not piece together a point to it all.

Both works had the feeling of importance, but then there would be lapses into comic bits. The metaphors seemed confused or silly. I mean, I enjoyed the idea of a gay-centric play with a gay AIDS patient as a prophet. I liked the idea that San Francisco was (or once was) or was like “Heaven” —- but I didn’t quite follow it all. The point, I mean.

And, when I asked my friends to explain — well, no one seemed to be able to do so. I would quickly give up because I felt like I was rocking the “cool thing” that we were all to like.

And, then there was the problem of that Angel of America. Was she from God or the Devil? Or was God the Devil? Or was God just pissed off? Was AIDS a blessing or a curse? I was confused by it. I was annoyed. I had lost too many dear friends to AIDS to get into some of these ideas that everyone else seemed to embrace.

Then the movie (or cable special) came out. I tried watching it twice. I couldn’t get past the first hour. I was annoyed by the first moment we saw Meryl Streep playing the cranky old rabbi. A few weeks ago B and I discussed the plays and the TV film. He likes all three. And, yet, he could not defend or explain my questions.

The other day I found a used copy of the DVD set for $10. I bought it and decided I was going to sit down and watch all 6 hours of Mike Nichols adaptation of the plays. I watched all of the film. It was a bit different from the plays I remember.

I allowed myself to just enjoy the theatrics of it all and decided to not get too bogged down in the meaning of all the ideas merged into plot. I just absorbed it. I think the biggest changes were made in the final act or chapters. It seemed a bit more clear, but still confused.

When I saw the plays I remember thinking that none of the actors looked like people from the mid-80’s. The same was true for the movie. Worse still — I get very annoyed by lack of attention to details. If you make a film that takes place in a certain time one should make sure that things belong in the scenes. The Coke cans were wrong. As were the chip bags. The logos and packaging were different in the mid-80’s. And, the hair styles were not 1985 at all. And, the subways were not correct. Things changed after the mid-80’s. Worst of all — they had a drag queen dressed as Barbra. …In 1985. …but she was dressed as Barbra of the early 1990’s! Babs had not yet shorn her curly locks completely! True, the afro was gone. But, she did not yet have the flat blonde look working. Her hair was crimped and 80’s messy-big. How could a gay film make this error!?!?!? How?!?!??!

But, still, I rather enjoyed the movie. And, I still love this line so well delivered by Meryl Streep:

“An angel is a belief with wings and arms that can carry you.”

I like that idea. I like so many of Tony Kushner’s ideas. But, I can’t help but wonder if some emperor is only half-dressed. Or am I just stoopid?

…don’t answer that. Or, if you do — please be polite.

I guess I always knew I was living in Heaven. Or a place that was once Heaven.

January 1, 2007. Uncategorized. 11 comments.

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