DECONSTRUCTING MATTY

I was reading Ginabeab’s Blog this morning. As per usual, is was a beautiful piece of writing filled with ideas and feelings that can touch to the core. I begin to think how interesting it is the way we, as readers, often think we are fully grasping the originating thought of the writer. Sure, we do understand what is written, but I think it is interesting how we humans absorb ideas through personal filters which can completely alter or re-shape the meaning of what was given. Understanding, relating and connection to an idea or feeling. And, of course this is one of the many joys of both writing and reading — the fact that it is somehow cosmically collaborative.

I guess this is the true magic of poetry. The words may mean one thing to the poet but something very different to each reader. And, of course this can be a problem. But, mostly, I think it is gift to be able to write or create something that makes another think. …that makes another feel to the core and stirs a reaction. …And, touches.

“Poet. A priest of nothing” …Stevie Nicks

It made me think about how people view or “read” me. I do not pretend to be a writer. Gina and Ing are writers. I am a blogger.

Lately, I’ve been in pain. Feeling at once a bit lost and also rather found. Finding myself in a new place which is filled with love, friendship and possibilities — a new “home” which brings me joy but also carries a level of danger. Challenges I fear I haven’t the strength to beat. Challenges that seem to be bigger than the ones I’ve managed to beat before. How many obstacles do we have to overcome before “Life” gives us a respite? …A break? …Is this my respite?

Is “home” where the heart is when my heart seems to often be in the hand of my lover or my friends? Are those loving hands my place to call home? Is that another shoe I hear falling from the sky? If I step too far to the left or if I slip on the next stair — do I lose my way forever? I lean to my sense of humor and count on my comic timing to get me through the hardness of these moments which fill me with dread and doubt. I joke. I laugh. I smile. I hug freely. I run to life and jump in feet first. I make decisions and try to never look back. I have closed doors to my past that I sometimes wonder I should have maybe left half-open. But, the pain, hurt and fear prevented me from doing that. I act tough. And, on most levels — I am.

“Fuck with me and I will fuck you up!”

And, when forced to say this I do mean it. I am not weak. I will fight to the bitter end for something I believe in and for those I love. I will not back down or turn away. But, at times it come down to me I simply adapt to survive. I deal my way through till I reach the safe side of the street. And, I’ve been down some scary blocks.

I’ve survived a great deal in life. I’ve had my share of fights both internal and external. Sometimes, I wonder if this is what a soldier feels after fighting for years. Beat. Beaten. Exhausted. Ready to wave a white flag? Ready to surrender? When I joke about things such as being mistaken for a hustler do people understand that there is more there than amusement or joking about? Or have I learned to hide things so well that they lose their meaning when translated through my filters to those of another? By writing that do I make another feel like they should not laugh at my miss-adventures? I hope not. I find it all funny, amusing, pseudo-flattering, disturbing, insulting and odd all at once. One must laugh. Better that than to become angry or cry over things of which we have no control.

Do moments of being serious make other uncomfortable? Do these moments make those who care about me worry? How does it all filter? How does it process? Well, there is no need to worry for me. I’m fine and will remain fine. But, I might falter from time to time. I might be a little lost. I might be a bit tender. I might seem a bit like hold a bit tighter to the rails of the stairs. I might take a bit more pause prior to giving you an answer. But, my feet are securely on the ground. I am grounded.

…It’s just that the ground upon which I stand shakes and moves. These earthquakes make it a bit difficult. But, I guess, if I lean and step with the movements I might not fall. And, if I should fall. I will just get back up. And, if you should be near — maybe you can lend me hand?

Filter as you need. Understand as you will. But, know this — I don’t give up. And, I never turn away a the lending of a smile.

We will survive. We have all survived a lot worse. I write “we” because I know that there are at least “a few” of you reading my spun words who are also fighting some seemingly impossible challenges. …And, now is the time for us to be stronger than ever. These challenges only seem impossible.

And, never forget that when you hold the heart of another in your hand — and, at some point, you will. Hold it with care. Hearts keep us living. Hearts are filled with love. …And, life. When you hand it back, keep that in mind. And, smile.

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January 21, 2007. Uncategorized.

12 Comments

  1. hot lunch replied:

    It’s nice to see a “serious” post from you, though it is the humourous and witty ones that drew me in. We all have different sides we choose to show, and via blogs, we create a type of persona that we want people to view us as, I believe. I can be a very bitter, depressing, and jaded person – after all, the names of my last 2 blogs were bitterwoo.com and jadedbitch.com. Both now defunct. With Hot Lunch, I wanted to have a space that allowed me to be happy and more fun. There can be a lot of negativity in the world and I wanted to counter that, in a tiny way, whether that meant posting the latest Kylie video (because Kylie makes everything happy!!) or regaling readers with tales of crazy coworkers to get a laugh or to reach someone out there who is going through similar antics.

    When I read your blog, I am inspired. I learn new things (Babs trivia, Blythe dolls), I laugh, I marvel at your language, and I envy the fun that it looks like you and your friends are having in your photos. I aspire, I’m entertained, and I look forward to coming back.

    I am stumbling, and my feet have never really been solidly planted on the ground. I have chosen to see this as a positive. I may be stumbling, but boy am I ever excited to see where my foot will land next! Hopefully not in a big pile of doo, but even so, shake it off and stumble some more! If I am stumbling near you, and you are just standing there with both feet on the ground, can I, may I, grab hold for support?

    I like that picture, even if it’s all separated like a magician has been at you with a saw in hand. I als like the tiny smiley face at the bottom of the page that I just noticed. 🙂

  2. ing replied:

    I like a good dose of serousness, and I usually think that’s the best stuff, though “serious” might seem uninteresting to the writer. And the part about people worrying — I think it’s better to talk about this stuff and not deny that you feel what you feel. Your feelings are so very real, and if people can’t allow you to be sad or scared or whatever, you’re going to have a tough time navigating through it all. There’s a place in our minds and in our bodies for feelings like anger and stress, and we should acknowledge those feelings and learn to let go of them somehow. It’s not the feelings that are harmful, it’s the retention.

    But Matty, one thing that can either block you as a writer or make you write poorly is fear of the reader’s reaction, for sure! (I know this one.)

  3. sortedlives replied:

    I love reading your blog. Insightful, funny, and real. That is why I come back. Your blog is never the same. You keep writing, I will keep coming back.

  4. matty replied:

    Hot Lunch — Thank you so much for the sweet note. It means a great deal to me. And, yes! Kylie does make all things happy!! I think I shall play her today!!! And, if you should be near me and slip — YES! I’ve got you covered! I won’t let you fall.

    And, if you’re not close but feel low — you know you can reach me via the cyber way. I have a cell phone, you know!

    Anyway, I do have a great deal of fun in life! I love life. I just had a bummer weekend and there are a great many external pressures going on right now. I think I needed to vent.

    A big hug to you! And, I’ve got my fingers crossed for that job you’re waiting to hear on! It sounds great!

    Ing – I always worry that I whine vs. express well articulated ideas about my personal feelings. But, I have no fears or concerns regarding whether or not someone will not want to read what I write for my blog. It’s my bit of space. So, I figure people read it if they want or skip it if they prefer. I was really more interested in expressing the idea of how I might write one thing — Or, how a writer might write one thing intending to draw a certain response but the reader filters it and projects on to the writer’s idea so that the intended meaning evolves/changes once it reaches the reader. That interests me.

    Aw, Sorted Lives — I think you totally rock! Thank you.

  5. Pants replied:

    I like to think that pain and suffering have helped me. If I were to shuffle through life with everything handed to me, how I would appreciate the sense of normalcy I’ve fought so hard for?

  6. hot lunch replied:

    hello matty! just sending in my daily i love you!

  7. hot lunch replied:

    sasskitty is calling me a total matty slut. i must apologize. i’m just hyped up on caffeine at the moment, which means i had one cup of tea. anyhow, i’m sorry to hear u had a bummer weekend. i hope the week picks up for you!

  8. sasskitty replied:

    A beautiful post matty…thank you for sharing and inspiring:)

  9. hot lunch replied:

    all i want to do is comment. u need to write another post soon so i don’t look like a complete stalker. there’s a chocolate bar sitting on my desk calling my name. a sugar rush on top of a caffeine rush? the number of comments left would be endless. i feel like i’m having an affair with your blog. plus i was listening to goldfrapp earlier and watching the Madonna Confessions Tour DVD trailer and flapping my arms up and down around my coworker like I was flying. i will leave you alone now. if only for a minute.

  10. matty03 replied:

    Pants – Yes, I agree. I think we are more prepared to handle things when they come at us. And, hard times also gives us a perspective which allows for greater understanding for others.

    SassKitty – Thank you! I can’t believe that I inspire, but you certainly make me feel good! Big hug via the cyber waves!

    Hot Lunch — You can’t be a stalker! You’re too much stalk-ee material! LOL! Your comments have saved my day which was in dire need of being saved!!! …you’ll never know!

    And, it is my opinion that there is just no such thing as too much sugar or caffeine or Goldfrapp or Madonna or Kylie …and, there especially can never be too much Barbra! So eat, drink, watch, dance and be happy!!!!

    I hope no one finds out that our blogs are having an affair! That could be scandal! Comment away, baby! I still need to get back to your blog and catch up on your adventures!

  11. Brooke replied:

    I love this post. I love how you inserted parts of your picture into your thoughts. I love you Matty!

  12. matty03 replied:

    Brooke! Thanks! I’m glad you ‘got it’ — love to you, too!
    matty

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